We belonged to the club of "being pregnant" with hopes of joining the parent's club. For most parents-to-be, there is little thought that this progression might not really happen. We say we want a healthy baby and worry some, but, in general, we expect a living, healthy child at the end of nine months.

For those of us who experience a loss, we are denied what seems to be a natural gift... Now, we must endure months of wondering what it might have been like or being constantly reminded by all the children around us that we are missing "what should be."

We become fully aware of what the statement "Grief is a Process" means! These letters also make it clearer as to why parents experiencing a pregnancy or newborn loss MUST grieve. Marcia McGinnis

Miscarriage - Simone writes of her loss of control, security and innocence - all secondary losses that increase our pain and confusion!

I miscarried my baby at 12 weeks. For one week leading up to my loss, I bled and doctors told me I was having a threatened micarriage and that there was little I could do but take it easy.

I am a fairly strong woman mentally, but the torment of having no control of my own body will be something I will never forget. I had never experienced such a loss before, and it took me many months to come to terms with it.

My baby was very much wanted. It didn't seen fair that while my friends were having children, I would be denied what I had thought was a natural gift. For many woman it is just that. For others, such as myself, it may not come so easily. But I believe my time will come again, and when it does I will cherish every moment..

I lost my son to stillbirth. He died and I didn't even notice when. I found out he was dead on my last appointment. The doctor couldn't find his heartbeat. I saw him lifeless as the doctor took an ultrasound.

I wanted to die along with him. Leaving the doctor's office for my car seemed like the longest walk ever. I was scheduled to be enduced the next morning.

I remember lying in my bed staring at my stomach that now had my dead son in it and thinking this couldn't be happening. I went into labor that night.

My baby was born on the right day just not alive. After he was born my husband cried, he still had hope that the doctor was wrong and he'd be alive.

He was born but there was no cry from my son, it was quiet in the room I watched as the nurse put him in the baby warmer. She then wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me, that's when I started crying. Holding him lifeless, my firstborn son who I had waited with so much anxiousness and excitement. We brought some clothes we had bought for him to wear. It was big on him. He was born smaller than we had thought.

I couldn't eat with him in the room. I felt so guilty, like I didn't deserve anything if he wasn't alive.

My mother was flown in thanks to the support of everyone at the command I and my husband were stationed at. They all gave what money the could to get her there.

We took as many pictures as we could of him. I can't even look at them without crying. We made a videotape but still haven't looked at it.

Soon after he was born nurses that belonged to a group called Resolve Through Sharing started asking us what we planned to do. If we were going to bury him or cremate him. I didn't want to bury or cremate him I wanted him alive like all the other mothers had.

Why couldn't I be so lucky. Being in the Navy and stationed in Great Lakes, IL I didn't want him buried somewhere I knew I wouldn't be living the rest of my life. I felt like I barely had time to mourn him because of all the plans we had to make. I wanted him buried in my hometown of Stockton, CA where I knew I'd be going back to someday and my family was there so he wouldn't be alone.

As I was wheeled out of the hospital I felt like I didn't deserve to be in the wheelchair. I really wasn't a mom I wasn't going home with my son. I stared at the hospital as we drove away feeling like my son was going to be alone now that I was leaving the hospital.

The next morning we had to see about getting a flight to California. Thank God for the Navy/Marine Corps Relief Society. They helped us get a flight there and back, helped pay for his burial. As I watched him be lowered into the ground I wanted to go with him.

I don't even remember what the priest said at his gravesite. I was crying too hard as thoughts of my last appointment ran through my head. Recalling everything the doctor said just like people do in the movies as a loved one is buried.

I started having nightmares every night after he was born. Sometimes not wanting to sleep because all I had were nightmares. I guess it was my feeling of guilt coming through in my dreams.

I blamed the doctors because they should've noticed there was something wrong with him before this happened. But I guess when you have no complications during your pregnancy they don't worry too much about you.

I still blame myself because he was inside of me. I should have noticed there was something wrong. What kind of mother was I? They did an autopsy on him. There was nothing wrong with him. The doctor said it was his placenta.

I wonder sometimes what he would look like now. He looked like me at birth. Would he look more like me or his father as he got older?

I console myself thinking that when I die that's when I'll get to see him again, full of life. But for now who knows how long it'll take to be able to talk about him without crying.

Dear Emmie, so much time has seemed to pass since the day I held you in my arms. I long to do that again.

You were so beautiful, so perfect, you were my baby and you always will be. I talk to you all the time, and I write you thousands of letters, I just hope that you realize how much I love and miss you.

I never thought I would lose you, and I still find it so hard to go on without you here, doing all of the "firsts" that you should be doing.

And how do I explain to Caleb that his sister is gone? Is there an easy way? He doesn't remember you. I didn't let him in to see you, and I regret that.

Please Emalee,I hope you can forgive me for all the things I did wrong in the three short days you were here.

I still expect to wake up from this nightmare I am living in and have you, perfect with no heart problem. Sometimes I know this isn't going to happen, and other times I believe that it will.

No matter what happens to us in the future, always know how much your Mommy, Daddy, and big brother loved you, and always will love you.

I love you, Emalee. Love, Mommy, Daddy, and Caleb

Today I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. I guess with the music playing and so much of it touching a chord in my heart my emotions were overwhelmed.

Today, I changed my baby doll I named Jamie. As I sat on the couch after I dressed him wishing for the hundreth time he was real, the tears began to fall in earnest. As I touched his hair I wondered would my son have had hair. I smiled and remembered the dream where my mom showed me my son.

I got to wondering what kind of mom would I have made.

By this time, Wendell came home. I placed Jamie in his cradle as he was coming in. He wanted to know what was I hiding. He would never understand I was hiding my tears.

Reading Christa's entry about her nightmares during her subsequent pregnancy prompted me to write again.

For approximately 3 months after Ian's stillbirth 9/11/97, I lived through horrible nightmares. My sleeping patterns were messed up anyways (I didn't sleep at all or very little during the first few months afterwards), but in addition to that I started having really bizzarre nightmares.

In one nightmare Ian was a toddler and we were playing hide-n-go-seek in our side yard. He hid behind a tree and I found him there, giggling; he gave me a big bear hug. Then Ian ran; I thought he was still playing the game, but suddenly we were at the cemetary near his grave. As Ian climbed back into his grave he said, "It's okay Mommy, it's okay." That nightmare still haunts me today every time I visit Ian's gravesite.

Another nightmare took place on the dirt road we live on. Ian, as a toddler again, was walking away from the house, hand-in-hand with a man I did not know. It seemed like October, because the trees were full of leaves falling to the ground in the wind. The man and Ian kept walking and I woke myself up when I realized I was talking in my sleep saying, "No no. Come back. Come back Ian, don't go."

These are just two examples of my nightmares; I've had many others, and I did start keeping a diary of them. I'm not sure why the nightmares/dreams have been of Ian as a toddler. But I do know once I focused my mind away from the nightmares to more positive thoughts (trying to maintain positive thoughts in my waking hours), my dreams have changed to the positive side. I have dreamed of giving birth to live babies! I'm not a nightmare/dream expert; what I've learned is, I won't be afraid as much now if I do have more horrible nightmares since I've had some positive dreams in between.

Women who are pregnant are constant reminders of what we have lost.

Moms talk about feelings of jealousy and anger...and the accompaning guilt. These are normal grief feelings, but so very hard to deal with because women aren't suppose to feel these feelings! Sometimes these reactions are not directed at everyone...sometimes they are.

I am finding it very hard seeing Tom's sister who is due the end of June (when Nora would of been one). Every word from her is about the baby, and she doesn't think before speaking either. I am so envious and wish her bad which is so cruel of me. I am sure I will accept it though as time goes on. Anyone else who is pregnant doesn't bother me, after all my next door neighbour and the girl directly across from us are all due their babies in June........I think alot of it is because I fell out with her before and didn't speak to her for several months! Lisa

I was out sick for 2 days from work and wrote the following poem - thought you would like to read it.

You know how the first 2 months or so usually you are shocked and numb. At least I was, I would do things and wonder "what is wrong with me, my baby is dead and how can I be 'all right'." Well, my family was great the first month and then on Cameron's due date April 13, 1998, it really came crashing down.

I cried all the time, I was so sensitive and I wanted to hold and cry over my sisters baby, which was born 1 week after Cameron. I did this for...well, I still do this. Her baby, Rachel, is so sweet and loveable and I feel like she is kind of "Cameron's friend" since we were pregnant at the same times.

I am single and now his daddy and I never speak. We are not mad, I just cannot handle seeing him because Cameron was identical to him.

My family has gone on with things, they get upset if I bring Cameron up. They get mad if they see that I am sitting at his grave.. Is that wrong, to sit for 30-40 minutes there? It feels so relieving. My dad has lectured me several times that the family does not want to always hear about Cameron and I need to get my chin up and realize that everyone has gone on and I need to too. I don't ever talk about him. Why is my dad so hard when mom died Dec. 1996 and he is still talking about her and grieving her?

I love my family, but I am starting to not like them very much. Do you all understand what I mean?

Also, I am such a bad mother now to Cameron, even though he is not here. I felt so motherly and loving while grieving up until a month ago. Now, I almost feel that I hate people.

My sister that had the baby never calls and rolls her eyes when I talk of Cameron. I hate being this way, but what can I do. I would die if anyone knew these feeling I have. Except for you all, maybe because I don't know you. Does anyone ever feel this way?

Am I a horrible mother? I love my son, but the way I am acting is terrible. I am so irriitable and snap at people and then cry the next minute because I was rude. I am usually a very quiet person and here I am acting like this.

Is my everyone so disinterested like this because I am single. His daddy was the only person I ever really dated. Am I so horrible?

I want to say...LET ME HURT IF I WANT AND LET ME TELL YOU I LOVE HIM.

Well, I hope that none of you think I am horrible because I really don't know whether I am myself.... Thanks for listening. Please e-mail me if anyone out there has NO ONE that will let them grieve..

My mother was wonderful and I could always tell her anything and she was never judgemental. I want to be just like her towards anyone.

I am a mother of three girls right now-their ages are 7, 3 and 1. You may wonder why there is a gap between girls 1 and 2. Well I will share with you now the reason for this.

I was 26 at the time and a happy mother of a 1 1/2 yr old daughter. I got pregnant in February 1993, and was very happy about this. The pregnancy was uneventful.

I looked good and felt good. At 35 wks I had an ultrasound and to our extreme joy, we were having a son! What a celebration! My husband brought me home a dozen red roses and kissed me and told me what good wife I was, and to take it easy.

Then at 40 wks on november 25, being 2 days late, I saw my doctor. It took a few minutes to find the heartbeat, but we did, and he told me everything was fine and he would see me in a week in his office.

I felt the baby was quiet, but I was reassured that this is normal at the end of a pregnancy. The baby was so active before, and now he was quiet.

Well, the next morning, we were awakened by a long distance telephone call-I got up and went to the bathroom. The baby was very quiet-I tried to move his leg with my hand-no response. I started to get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I went and got some juice and drank it-no response again. I went to my bedroom and told my husband.

I called the hospital and they told me to come in-we got to the hospital about a half hour later and had to wait due to change of shift. They then tried to find the heartbeat-then I was sent downstairs for an ultrasound-then we heard the words we couldnt believe-"I am sorry! There is no sign of life!" I felt myself gasp and my husband turned green and said he had to leave.

I was induced and delivered Daniel John at 1:14 a.m. The delivery room was silent-no sweet baby cry-the doctor put Daniel right on my stomach and I looked at him and screamed inwardly-move! Move! But nothing was heard audibly-then my sister cleaned off the baby and dressed him in the sleeper I had chosen for him-then handed him to me. He smelled so sweet! He was so beautiful. I just whispered to him and told him how much I loved him!

After awhile the nurse took him forever from me.

We had his funeral two days later. I kissed him goodbye and couldn't believe and still cannot to this day. Ever forget my sweet Daniel-he would be 5 1/2 years old now. I miss him so much! I missed nursing him and holding him.

I have written numerous poems to him. It helped.

Also, this year on January 30/99, I miscarried identical twin girls-due to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I was 14 weeks pregnant and didn't know I was pregnant with twins. I am still very angry and sad. I miss my babies so much! Right now I would be 7 months pregnant and very happy. I dont know why god did this to me.

So, I have three babies in heaven and three on earth. I just hope that when I get to heaven God will say to the three of them-this is your mother!

Oh, by the way, the twins names are: Jasmine Kallista and Jenna Desiree.

If anyone is interested in corresponding I would be most grateful. I would also be happy to share the poems if anyone would like this just let me know.

Seven months ago we lost our child she was stillborn. On May 30,1999 we found out we were expecting another child.. We were excited and apprehensive.

I had blood work done to make sure things were progressing well.

On Thursday evening I had a dream about me and my baby. We were getting our picture taken, and I was holding the baby. I told her to hurry and smile for the picture before she had to go.... I thought it was my Savanna(who was stillborn). The next day I called to see how the blood work they had taken was. The nurse said I was going to miscarry. On Sunday June 6. I did.

This has brought back the death of my daughter, and then more. No one seems to understand that I(we) have lost another child..I feel so lonely. Lost, and confused. Some how this is easier than my Savanna... and it's also alot harder. I still have to find out why? we miscarried.

I guess I'll never know as to why we have to go through all this heart wrenching pain in so short a time.

So, I sit here and wonder was my dream a sort of premonition about my unborn child? Was it about my stillborn daughter Savanna? Or both? Hopefully One of these days I'll have the dream where I'm holding a healthy living, breathing beautiful child, and this one will come so true..Yes I do still have hope. Imagine that!!

One day I'll write and tell you a happy story. I had a child and they lived. Oh is that to much to ask? and who would have ever thought that in 30 short years of my life that I would have to go through not one, but two losses.

My heart goes out to the parents who have experienced this and so much more... How do I get excited for the next child????I guess one nerve wracking day at a time. But we will try and try again. Hopefully just the one more try will work the next time.