SHARE Atlanta Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Grief Support

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"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts - Along this Path

"Forever in Our Hearts"
Memories from Five to Fifteen Years Later

Thoughts by Parents with Subsequent Children
or Surviving Children - as Time Passes...







Our house is full of activity...
constantly...
...but a Mother's heart
NEVER forgets the child
who should have also been here with us...


"KYLE LANDON RITCHEY"
by Karen
Vancouver, B.C.







Letters or Poems on this page

"You Never Forget" by Patti (5/97)

"Dear Heather" by Lisa (11/97)

"KYLE LANDON RITCHEY" by Karen (1/98) with four entries over a period of time.

"I loss my third child..." by Nancy (2/98)

"Six years ago...not much help, then.." by Wendy (2/98)

"the loss of my first born... by Leanne (2/98)

"My Darling baby girl..." by Jenny (3/98)

"Ryan" by Francine (4/98)

"Lovely little one" by Diane (6/98)

"Always to be our little ones" by Keren (7/98)

"My first...so many years have gone by and I have never forgotten, ever. " by Tonya (9/16/98)

"Joys and Sorrows" by Barb (9/27/98)

"Jeffery" by Mary Jane (10/6/98)...after five years...Mary Jane's thoughts and Marcia's thoughts on "Transition ages and better understanding them"

"Amanda Leigh & Laura Ann" by D-rae (12/26/98)

"THE SITTING TIME" by Patrick and Laura (1/13/99)

"My Gratitude for the Gift of Peace" by Joanne(1/9/99)

"Remembering Dylan" by Laura (1/17/99)

"Remembering Kayla" by Kayla's Mother (3/22/99)

"Sarah Louise Caniglia" by Elizabeth (2/8/99)

"My Little Girl, Brittni" by Shari (2/4/99)

"Sarah Louise Caniglia" by Elizabeth (2/8/99)

"Ryan Scott Peter" by Tammy (2/15/99)

"I still remember every moment..." by Lori (2/24/99)

"NATHAN - OUR FIRST AND ONLY SON" by LaRessie (5/12/99)



"Shane Michael, May 24, '93" by Lara (5/15/99)

"Andrew Paul Robertson ~ March 20, 1990" by Tammy (6/27/99)

"I think of you often and have special Christmas ornaments for you I still put on the tree." by Michelle (6/23/99)

"Our dear little Kaitlyn, we love you so..." by Cathy (7/13/99)

"Erin Marie..July 24, '87"

"Haley Marie" by Jill (8/6/99)

"In Loving Memory of Jordan Tyler 9/1/90" Jordan's Mommy (8/24/99)

"Jonathan and Lachlan" by Liz (10/6/99)

"Jay Neilson 13-5-93" by Michelle (10/7/99)

"In Anticipation" by Tammy (5/00)

Halie Maye" by Carla (5/00)

"He Would Have Been Eight"by Kathy (6/14/00)

"Ten years to have a my family...my story" by Dawna (6/13/00)

...from the moment that I told her (my 5 year old daughter) that is all she talked about...her sister Meghan...(9/29/00)

"In Loving Memory of Baby of Dreams ~ April 14, 1988" by Kim (11/20/00)





YOU NEVER FORGET

I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT PROMPTED ME TO READ YOUR WEB SITE, BUT IT HIT ME AND AFTER ALL THESE YEARS I WAS STILL ABLE TO CRY. I FEEL THIS IS A GOOD THING.

I WAS RESEARCHING INFORMATION FOR A YOUNG PREGNANT CO-WORKER AND HAPPENED ALONG YOUR SITE. WHAT A WONDERFUL PLACE TO VISIT JUST TO READ AND SHARE AND CONFIRM AGAIN THAT I WAS NOT ALONE IN MY LOSS AND GRIEF.

I AM SO FORTUNATE TO HAVE THE 2 WONDERFUL, LOVING CHILDREN I HAVE, BUT I STILL WONDER WHAT THE 5 I LOST WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE.

WITH MY CHRISTIAN BELIEFS I KNOW I WILL SEE THEM AGAIN, BUT OH, WHAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE TO HOLD THEM NOW.

I GUESS MY POINT IS:

YOU NEVER FORGET A LOSS OF THIS SORT,
BUT WE CAN GET THROUGH IT AND
ONLY ON OCCASSION LET IT FIND THAT TENDER SPOT
IN OUR HEARTS WE THOUGHT HAD HEALED.
HOW SILLY WE AS HUMANS CAN BE.

PATTI MADISON
LOSS OF 5 BABIES... 4/77, 9/77,5/78, 4/86, AND 11/86
Second trimester loss
NEBRASKA
5/97

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Dear Heather,

It will soon be your birthday.

Eleven years have passed since you so briefly entered our lives but you are forever in our hearts. We are so grateful for the gift of your short life.

Grandma Ann is with you now so we know you are both okay. God Bless you sweet angel.

You are loved and missed by,
Mommy, Daddy, Jared and Mikaela

Lisa
Heather Michelle Myers
Stillborn
12/03/86
Centerville, IA
E-mail
11/22/97

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Memories and thoughts ten years later...(1/98)

KYLE LANDON RITCHEY
JUNE 2, 1988

SO WANTED... SO LOVED...SO MISSED...

As my memories take me back to the familiar place in my heart reserved for you...I remember the day we said goodbye to you before we had the chance to say hello...

You were our firstborn son, Kyle, and you should have been 10 years old this year!

We, along with your brothers and sister, WILL meet you again one day soon...And we will NEVER have to say goodbye again.

Until then, you are safe in the arms of Jesus.

Lovingly, and always misty eyed with each thought of you,

Mommy and Daddy



Entry #2:

Dear Marcia,
It sure was nice to hear back from you. Thank you for adding my little verse to your dedication page. Wherever you would like it to be seen is fine with me. I have just discovered these memorial sites recently, as I've been searching on behalf of a few families I know who are in the midst of great losses.

Oh, how I could have benefited from these sites through the years. Even now, though, they bring me comfort.

It is amazing to read the different experiences that people have had...having been through it ourselves, I'm immediately there again...remembering, and wishing so much that no one else would have to endure it.

Our son, Kyle was born at 7 months, with no kidneys(Potters Syndrome) in 1988. Just this past week, I heard of a family, here in our city,( Kelowna, B.C. Canada...), who had a son...with no kidneys, who lived for 1 hour and 29 minutes...and they named him Kyle!

The memories that that brought to me, were incredible...and I relived our situation again...and again. I am in the midst of writing them a letter to attempt to bring them even a little comfort...I will write about our experience sometime on this site, and hopefully I can help someone else.

Being that our son died almost 10 years ago...you know that there aren't many folks who still mention his name...they must fear that we've forgotten..impossible! However, I am often contacted to reach out to people who are in the midst of loss, or else I seek them out myself.

Our happy ending to this sad story, though, is that we adopted 2 beautiful, healthy children in 93 & 94 (Kayla at 5 days) and( Adam at 5 days).Then as the old story goes.. I got pregnant ! This pregnancy was very nervewracking for us, as I was sure something would go wrong...It didn't...and I delivered a HEALTHY LIVE BABY BOY! in October of 1995...(Garrison. )

Our house is full of activity...constantly...but<
a Mother's heart NEVER forgets the child
who should have also been here with us...

Well, I've rambled on here..but.it is SO nice to chat with another Mom who knows! Thanks, and God bless you for this very great and important work that you are doing. Sincerely, Karen Ritchey

"Music in Loving Memory of Kyle Landon" by Karen (10/10/98)- Karen now has a website and several CD's. (2002)

Entry #3- 10/15/98 - Hi Marcia,

I wrote to you one other time, and told you of our son, Kyle who was stillborn in June 1988. Since I wrote, I have finished a recording project of gospel music...focusing on comfort , hope and peace.

The project was done in memory of Kyle, our first born son, and his handprint is on the back of the CD. There are also tapes available...

What I have started to do, as a ministry I guess you could call it, is to try to send out as many as I can to other parents who have lost babies or older children, because of this burden that I carry for these parents in the early stages of their grief...

I shared my vision with some of the folks lately where I have done a few concerts...and the response has been so heartwarming. Some folks have shared my burden for these grieving parents, and have decided to share in the expense of mailing them out at no charge to the parents.

I would really like to send one to you, with my compliments, and see if it is something you would like to share with other parents, like yourself, who have lost a precious child.

Marcia's thoughts: I have received this loving tribute to Kyle Landon along with the beautiful picture of Karen and her family (and Kyle's handprint) and have been touched by the music. Please give Karen an email "call" if you would like to consider her music. Many thanks to Karen for her work and for her thinking of me in such a special way...

Karen shares from the back of her CD "I'll Meet You In The Morning":

"For as long as I can remember, I have loved music....In 1988, our first child, Kyle, was stillborn. The song in my heart was silenced. I could not hear a melody...music touched a place in my emotions that was still very tender. ...As my heart began to heal, I found that particular songs soothed my heart, bringing me gentle comfort. Songs of hope helped me to find joy again..."

Entry #4 - A note from Karen...

I hope that others can find my site, and somehow be comforted by my music. The following note is what I have sent,and am sending a copy to you, although you have linked my site to yours already! I have had alot of really nice responses to my music, and just tonight a lady called to tell me that her daughter in law had sent a tape with "Serenaded by Angels" to her sister in Ireland...to be played at their Mom's funeral! It is amazing how God can lead sometimes isn't it!

Do take care! THe following is my note:

I have found that heartache shared is healing begun...

Thus began the focus of my music and the recent release of my first recording project...on the 10th anniversary of the loss of our stillborn son, Kyle.

I have had the unique priviledge of sharing in the private pain of many families who have lost loved ones, and have dedicated my music to bringing comfort, hope and peace to those who know the sadness and confusion of loss.

It is my desire to reach as many people as possible through my music as they pass through the valley of grief, hoping I can make a difference ...remembering how I longed for comfort as I journeyed through my own valley alone. This collection of inspirational music is a compilation of my own road to peace. The opportunity to work in cooperation with your website as a potential link to my own would be greatly appreciated, as I believe that we share the same vision...

Karen
KYLE LANDON RITCHEY
Stillborn/Potter's Syndrome
Vancouver, B.C.
E-mail as of 5/02



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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I lost my third child, at 25 weeks, on Nov. 11, 1987.

He died within me, because I had an extreme viral infection that my doctor was not really concerned about. My temperature was above 103 for 3 days. After he was found to have no heartbeat, I had to carry him within my body for a month. Yes, a full month.

I have since had a miscarriage, and a beautiful big, baby boy! He was 9 lbs. at birth, on 10/24/89.

Yes, it has been a long time, but I will never forget him, and what I have lost.

Nancy
Metuchen, NJ
E-mail
2/4/98

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Note #1 - Six years ago...not much help, then.

Hello, my name is Wendy and I just found this page. I can't believe all the support there is out there. There really didn't seem to be much out there 6 years ago when I lost my son.

I did join a support group in my area when I lost my son. It was and still is very helpful.

Even though my loss was 6 years ago it still to this day seems like it was just yesterday. I miss my son so much. We often think about him and wonder what he would look like today. I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive.

We lost our son to Potter syndrome or they also call it poly cystic disease of the kidney's. It actually means he was born with no kidney's. We never knew there was a problem until I went to deliver. I would love to hear from anyone who has had a loss. I lost my son Jarrod on September 14, 1991.

Note #2 - Dear Marcia, Thanks so much for writing back. It is so nice to correspond with someone who knows what we have been through. I do have 2 living children Justin age 7 and Jenna age 5. Justin was my first born. He was 14 months old when Jarrod was born. Having Justin did help me a little.

Even through all my grief, we both still knew that we wanted more children. I became pregnant 2 months later. We were so excited and very nervous at the same time. We so desparately wanted to have more children. I went on to have a level 2 ultrasound and everything showed up fine. We felt a little better, but we felt even better when we held our child in our arms. That was the best feeling in the world.

I know I have lots more to say, but there will be more time another day. Sincerely, Wendy

(Marcia's comment: I can imagine your fear, excitement, etc. and then relief when Jenna was born. That must have been very difficult - not much grieving could take place then! Then with two little ones...Maybe you can reflect and get your breath and move further down the path now. It all takes time in our busy lives. We grieve, celebrate and move down the path of life as we can.)

Wendy
Jarrod
9/14/91/Potter's Syndrome
Moosup, CT
E-mail
2/17/98

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Eight years later...Reaching out and caring...

I HAD A FULL TERM STILLBORN IN APRIL OF 1990. MY GRIEF WAS SO INTENSE, I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIN. NOW, AFTER 8 YEARS AND 3 BEAUTIFUL HEALTHY CHILDREN I'VE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH THE LOSS OF MY FIRST BORN.

I STILL HAVE MY "MOMENTS", BUT THOSE MONENTS ARE VERY SPECIAL TO ME. THERE ARE STILL TIMES I CRY AND WISH HE WERE HERE. I WILL MISS HIM EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.

I JUST WANTED TO PUT MY NAME AND EMAIL IN YOUR GUEST BOOK TO BE THERE FOR ANYONE WHO WANTED TO "UNLOAD"..I KNOW THERE IS NOTHING I CAN SAY THAT WILL EASE THE PAIN...BUT I CAN BE THERE AND UNDERSTAND, IT IS SO PAINFUL, I KNOW, I'VE BEEN THERE.

LEANNE
JOSEPH LEE GRAYBEAL
Stillborn in FONTANA, CA
LAS VEGAS, NV
E-mail
2/4/98

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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My Darling baby girl,

It has been nearly nine years since we kissed you goodbye.
As I nurse your new little sister, my heart remembers you.
Your life had such an impact on us, I thank you for that.
Because of you we now have the chance of being in the Kingdom,
together forever.
I thank the Lord for letting us know you, even though it was only
nine months.
I will Cherish you in my heart forever, my little Gemma.....

Till we meet again
Love Mummy and Daddy
brothers, Troy and Brayden
sisters, Holly and Bryanna



Jenny
Gemma Lee Heard
30th July 1989
Stillborn
Perth, Australia
E-mail
3/8/98

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Ryan was born with a congenital heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome and died when he was 3-1/2 weeks old.

We will love you forever Ryan....
you will never be forgotten....
we will carry you forever in our hearts!




Francine
Ryan Michael Kozlowski
Other/Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome
Moscow, PA
E-mail
4/1/98

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Lovely little one

You were but a brief moment in our lives-
a pebble in a puddle
that ripples on and on and on and on.

I feel you in the wind
I hear you in the laugh of all children
I see you in the eyes of your little brother.

Never have I been so enriched by such a life,
or so saddenend by it's passing.
You are remembered
You are loved
and you are missed.

Mommy

Diane
Adam Robert
8/23/90
Second trimester loss
Elgin, Il
E-mail
6/18/98

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Always to be our little ones


I am from the UK. I live in Au, and I am writing to the USA the loss of a baby is universal.


Amber Louise Essential facial treatment began it's life 20 years ago. At seventeen years old I was enjoying being a "girl" and experimenting with various natural beauty, "bits and bobs." My aim was to create a facial that worked. With tips and tricks and a little bit of luck I formulated a facial mask that really did work. I began to use the facial treatment and passed out free 'masks' to my friends and family. Over the years they encouraged me to market the facial, but I had started a family at the age of eighteen and did not have time to be anything other than a mum.

My family grew and grew and grew, and by 1989 I had four sons all growing fast.

In 1990 I had a baby girl, Amber Louise born on the 20th of December 8lb 10oz.

Unfortunately, Amber did not survive what should have been as normal a delivery as the boys had been. I had a placental abruption that was ignored by the hospital staff until it was too late. The medical emergency team did all they could to revive Amber, but her tiny little body had shutdown. My perfect baby girl was gone.

Imagine how we all felt - I doubt it made a difference Amber being a girl, we had lost our baby - the whole family was heartbroken.

This all happened just before Christmas and we still had four sons to think of as well as a funeral to arrange. Christmas came and went but the pain inside me was strong. I suffered such a range of emotions, anger, sadness, disbelief - emotions I believe only those who have lost a child can truly understand in depth.

I found going out even to the shops difficult as people with happy faces would stop and ask me "What did you have" before I could explain they would be congratulating me on having a daughter. Friends that went as far back as school would avoid me not knowing what to say and parents of my friends would tell me how they had suffered similar losses.

I really did become a shadow of my former self and would often go into my bedroom to cry, away from the boys. I tried several things to help me cope. I raised money for the hospital special care unit, I started to collect angels. I knew I had to do something to help me live day by day and to help me face up to life after such a loss.

I decided then to package my facial and name it after my daughter. My intentions to make the marketing of my facial a family concern was greeted well by the boys who were eager to help. I took advice from agencies that were there to help new business and very soon had my facial treatment packaged and ready for marketing.

In 1991 I became pregnant with Gemma, guilt and fear hung over the pregnancy. I had just started my own product line and was doing well with the Aromatherapy party's I held. My Amber Louise Essential facial treatment had to wait a while.

Gemma Louise arrived early and after a short spell in special care was home with her family, I did find it hard not to see Amber in Gemma, and I could never dress her in white for bed. Almost two years later, Gemma was joined by Amy Rose and later (after migration to Australia) I had Meggan Ruth too. I still have bad days and in truth would say that from October to after Christmas each year I get very sad.

Now settled in Australia and having all the children apart from Meggan at school, I have more time to spend working on the marketing side of Amber Louise Essential facial treatment. I have a web site that tells about my product - in fact, the whole family has a place on this site. (www.fast.net.au/wwalker).

For those who have just lost a baby I am so very very sorry, I see the birth of Amber like a video wishing I could edit and change the results. I still get so angry at the staff at the hospital. Last year I thought I would sue the hospital for negligance but was told that I could not do this as I had waited too long.

Too long ? It had taken me 6 years to get to the stage where I could tell my story without crying.

Keren
Amber Louise
20/12/90
Stillborn
Salford, England
E-mail
7/23/98

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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My first.......so many years have gone by and I have never forgotten, ever.

But as I was just a young girl, my family never allowed you to ever be discussed. Years have gone by - you have a brother who is nearly 12, and another brother that died only at 7 weeks. I am glad to have a place where you can be remembered.

Tonya
Baby Luck
Miscarriage
Rochester, MN
9/16/98
E-mail

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Joys and Sorrows

Today as I remember...
our son plays until night,
to watch him,
is such a beautiful sight.

Yet there is silence,
an emptiness,
for two little babies,
who we can't touch or hold.
Two little babies,
their triplet can't yet know.

Joy and Sorrow
Miracles and Pain

These bittersweet feelings,
still remain.

Dedicated to Jeffrey Alan,
surviving Triplet to Jessie and Jason




Barb and Jeff
Jessie Christine and Jason Bradley
Jessie died in utero on 5/12/89
Jason was born on 8/23/89
with his surviving triplet,
Jeffrey Alan, and died on 5/25/90
Other
Delaware, OH
9/27/98
E-mail

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Jeffery


Jeffery:In two weeks, on October 14 my beautiful baby boy would be six years old. He would have just started grade one.

He would be riding his two wheeler bike and learning to read and tie his shoes. But he's not. Six years ago my baby boy, Jeffery Andrew was stillborn. It's hard to believe that it has been six years. It seems like yesterday that I held him in my arms and kissed his soft, furry head.

Jeffery died inutero at 38 weeks gestation of an umbilical cord accident. I now have two beautiful girls. One is 5, born 11 months after Jeffery. And the other is almost 10 months. I am grateful for my girls and feel very blessed to have them. But, everyday I long for my baby boy.

I still think that if I had another son, my pain and longing for Jeffery would ease. Rationally, I know that's silly because it's impossible to replace him. But still I desire to have another son.

Six years and my baby's memory is still fresh. Time has healed the open wounds but they are still scabbed, still easily opened. I don't cry very much any more, only at this time of year. When the first snowfall comes, I cry, because the day he was born we had our first snowfall of the year.

I miss my son, but have learned so much from his death.

I was involved in a support group for three years and helped others deal with their grief. I have become compassionate for others and much more empathetic towards people.

But I wish I could go back and have my son and be a shallower person with no knowledge of the pain and grief, than being so enlightened.

But with experience comes knowledge and it's up to us to learn from our experiences and become better people. I don't have many people I can talk to anymore about my feelings of grief. I'm sure most people feel that " I've gotten over it". But every once and a while I need someone to vent to. That's what I'm doing today.

So thank you to anyone reading this, I have found a way to vent. Yours Sincerely, Mary Jane

Mary Jane's dedication to her son in June of 99....

Mary Jane
Jeffery Andrew Altman
Oct 14/92
Calgary, AB
Canada
10/6/98
E-mail
<

Marcia's thoughts: You shared some thoughts that have been discussed in our group over and over again! Very GOOD points!

I think the five, six year anniversary are very hard..we think of our child starting "real" school(even if he has been in kindergarten) and about the transitions that we would be moving through with him or her.

When Seth would have been six, I found it very hard and called a friend who told me that the year before had been very hard on her(her child was "six" the year before). I said "why didn't you call me" - she said "I thought I was strange!"

Since then, folks in my group have found this to be the "hard" year. We also find 13 and 16 harder(my group has been around for 14 years...I have friends from the first group that I went to from longer ago). I started to read about this and sure enough it's been documented!

Moms often come to my monthly SHARE meetings on their child's anniversary or at a particularly difficult time! They still need to remember and to share. You are so right - most folks don't want to believe you could "want" to talk about it, but you do. It's okay, too! Time heals, but we don't forget. You are so very right on what you have shared...we learn, we change, we give, but never forget.

As to still wishing we were never put in this place...we have had this discussion in our group so many times! Everyone agrees. Noone wanted to learn anything because their baby died. What I have found though, as the years go by, part of coping is appreciating that you know you wouldn't be WHO you are NOW if you had not had the child you lost!

That very fact gives you child's presence in your life so much meaning, and I have to believe this is how our child would want us to be. Does that make sense?!

Enough deep thoughts..take care and thank you so much for sharing with us.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Amanda Leigh & Laura Ann


In 1989 I lost my twin girls. In them I had wrapped all my hopes and dreams. They were everything that I had ever wanted. To be a mom and do the family thing.

Tragically I was married to a man that was brutally abusive. He talked only of having sons. I had found out through testing after I had been in a car accident that i was pregnant with girls. I tried to keep this information from my husband but buring an argument I told him not to worry about having sons because he was going to be the father of two girls. (I will live with this guilt for the rest of my life) He became so angry that he beat me, throwing me down two flights of stairs and leaving me in the house alone, unconscious. The three of us almost lost our life that day. Sometimes I wish that it would have been me that had died instead, but it wasn't. I have since divorced this man and am trying very hard to start a new life. He also has married and started a family. He has his son and now a daughter also. I pray that he realizes what a gift he has been given. And cherishes both of his living children.

My daughters names are Amanda Leigh & Laura Ann. ^J^ ^J^ my two beautiful angels in heaven. I will always wonder what they would have become but I am certain of what they still mean to me. They are my diamonds in heaven.

D-rae
Issaquah, WA
12/26/98


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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THE SITTING TIME


Don't listen to the foolish unbelievers who say forget.
Take up your armful of roses and remember them the flower and the fragrance.
When you go home to do your sitting in the corner by the clock and sip your rosethorn tea
It will warm your face and fingers and burn the bottom of your belly.
But as her gone-ness piles in white, crystal drifts,
It will be the blossom of her moment
the warmth on your belly,
the tiny fingers unfolding,
the new face you've always known,
That has changed you.
Take her moment, and hold it
As every mother does.
She will always be your daughter

And when the sitting is done you'll find
bitter grief could never poison the sweetness of her time.


Joe Digman



Entry #2: ...Nobody in our family has ever understood our grief and we found those words as our only hope for may years. I would love to be able to say that I knew the man who wrote this, but I do not. When our daughter died, we were given a pamphlet type book called "When Hello Means Goodbye", we found that poem there and it has been our mainstay since Siobhan's stillbirth.

I am in the process of designing a web page for Siobhan and hope to be able to include it on her site. It is a relief for both my husband and myself for finally being able to grieve with others understanding and accepting our grief.

Thank you and everybody for helping us in this new journey. I also would be very interested to read your healings page and possible use something from there on her web site. Could you send me the address for this page? Thank you again. I look forward to hearing from you.

PS. I get this alot "How do you have her name?" Try this and it will help. Siobhan is Irish and the American way of saying it is "SI" sounds like "SH"; "BH" sound like"V" so it sounds like "Shavon". I get that alot, so now I just normally add it so people do not have to ask.

Patrick and Laura
Siobhan Brianna McDonald
Stillborn
9/9/92
Fort Campbell, KY
1/13/99
E-mail

Marcia's Thoughts: Please let me know when you have Siobhan's website in place and I will link to it from our pages "Coping Skills/Websites in Memory of Special Babies." I believe these websites are wonderful coping mechanisms to help parents heal, and they provide an incredible outreach for parents to other parents and those who are looking on.

Our pages concerning family and friends highlight both the positive and the negative reactions of those we love. Hopefully, together, we are educating folks about loss, grief and healing!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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My Gratitude for the Gift of Peace


I wrote this on my daughter Marissa's 5th Birthday/Anniversary. I had sat down to wait for a friend to come over for coffee, I felt this almost urgent need to write.

I hadn't written any poetry for over 5 years and knew that it was time. I proceeded to write the poem within 20 minutes. I felt such a peace come over me while writing, I knew that this was the right time. I felt truly led by the Spirit and the words just poured out.

I have also felt that it was time to share my story with others and try and help other's along their journey to find peace. Marissa was stillborn at 39 1/2 weeks, cause unknown. The one thing that I am sure of is that she suffered no pain as I had felt none.

She was the 3rd of my 4 children, and gave me the gift of a closer family and The Church. I have a heart that is full of Gratitude for the Peace that has come over time and the Blessing of My angel who is in my heart always.

When I first held you
I thought my heart would stop
you were so tiny, and so very beautiful
every inch of perfection

From the moment I knew about you
I loved you with all my heart and soul
as each day passed, you grew inside me
and filled me with your presence and love.

How you liked to let me know you were there
from the tender kicks, to the somersaults,
you were felt and loved.
Our family eagerly anticipated your arrival
it seemed to take an eternity

Your time came, we were in such a hurry
to meet you and to hold you tenderly.
If only we had known
that a lifetime was only to be an instant.

You were so beautiful, an angel, a blessing
in a brief moment you changed me.
It is with your love felt from inside me
that has made me find the strength
to face challenges and to be truly thankful.

My angel, always as close as the next heartbeat,
felt with each breath.
My love for you fills each day.
I thank God that we had the time together.
I didnít know then that my heart would be filled with gratitude,
for the brief moments we shared.
My angel I know now, how thankful I am for you.
Beloved is the precious child.
Blessed is the mother who loves much.

Dedicated to my Angel Marissa Desiree

With Love Mommy

November 4,1998




Joanne
Marissa Desiree
Nov.4,1993
Stillborn
New Westminster, B.C. Canada
1/9/99
E-mail

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Remembering Dylan


It is so hard to believe that it has been 6 years since you left us.

In so many ways life has gone on, you have a brother, we moved to a new state and a new house. The sun has continued to rise and set and time marches cruelly on. I still think about you each and every day.

It is easier to talk about you. When people ask me how many children I have I can tell them "I have two, one here and one in heaven." In so many other ways life will never be the same.

I will never be the same person that I was. I no longer believe that, as long as I am a good person, only good things will happen. I know now that life is neither fair or unfair, it just is.

I will always miss you.I think about how you would be in kindergarten now. Getting ready to start first grade soon.

I still mark you birthday with a special rememberance and I still cry when I think about you.

I love you very much, always have, always will.

Love, Mommy


Laura
Dylan
2/1/93
Stillborn
Norfolk, VA
1/17/99
E-mail

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"My Little Girl, Brittni"


It will be five years this April 14th since my life changed forever. I was 32 weeks along when it happened.

I had a healthy baby boy in Jan 93 and was married to the love of my life in Aug 93. So everything was just right, then I found out I was pregnant again, which meant the kids would be 17 months apart.

That was not the way we planned it, they were supposed to be 2 1/2 years apart. Anyway we started the whole pregnancy thing over again. I worried alot about how I was going to handle to 2 babies under the age of 2.

It was in March that I was finally getting excited about this baby. I just seemed to know that I was going to have a girl.

On April 6th i went to the hospital and had a routine sonagram done and everything was fine. Friday April 8th that evening I didn't think the baby was moving that much, but I just didn't pay much attention to it because she never really moved alot. Then on Saturday and Sunday I still questioned it but then I would make myself think she moved.

Monday April 9th THE DAY MY LIFE SEEMED TO STOP.


I knew the minute I woke up that something was wrong, and I watched the clock unitl the time my doctor's office opened. I called and exactly at 9 am and was in the office by 9:15.

I have to say one thing the doctors and nursings were the best. They took me back to have a non stress test and to hear the heartbeat, but she could not find it. So they called the doctor so he could try it on his hand held machine. He could not find it either. So they were going to send me up to the hospital for a non stress test, but first they had me go to their sonogram room for her to find the heartbeat.

I went in there expecting to hear that little beat and ended up hearing nothing. The nurse left the room to talk to the doctor and when she came back in she told me to go have another sonogram done before having the non stress test.

I had to drive 10 blocks to the hospital thinking the worst. They took me to the sonogram room and started the procedure. Before my husband got there the technician had already confirmed the worst. Just then my husband walked in.

The technician left us alone to go get a radioloigist to verify her findings. That was so hard to see my babies heart and it not beating. What happened, why did this have to happen to me. A week early she was just fine and now she is gone.

April 13 I checked into the hospital, and they induced me by using gel to get my cervix to start thinning. On the 14th they started the pit and broke my water at 9:30.

At 12:30 I had a beautiful perfect little girl, breech mind you. This was the first time that they confirmed it was a girl. She looked just like her brother.

I think without my child at home I could have not gotten through this because he made me continue to live and take care of him. I also now have a loving 3 year old boy 2 1/2 years younger than his brother.

We know what happened, my placenta clotted.

But I miss her everyday of my life. I am glad she is in heaven with God. Obviously he needed her precious little life more than me. I just thank him for the brief time I did have her inside of me.

At least I had that for my husband. I think it is harder because he never got to feel her move like me.

For Brittni's 1st birthday we planted a tree in the cemetery that she is laid to rest at. I look at that tree and the beauty that it brings and I think of her and her beautiful little face.

Thank you for letting me share this. It does help to know that there are other people out there like you and that you are not alone.

(Shari has lit a virtual candle for Brittni and written a dedication in memory of her daughter...)

Shari
Brittni Raye
4/14/94
Stillborn
Sioux City, IA
2/4/99
E-mail

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Remembering Kayla


You were a wished for child. NO matter how much people try to trivialize your existence, you meant the world to your father and me.

Even today, I miss feeling you move inside of me, kicking me. It nearly killed me when we lost you. I miss you Kayla. I know you're o.k. but I'd rather have you here with me.



to hold you one more time
to feel dance around inside of me
to anticipate the miracle of your birth
it wasn't supposed to happen so soon
oh God, take this pain away, my baby my baby
she needs me, she's just a little baby, why? why?
please come back. I miss you.



Kayla Nicholle Morris
Second trimester loss
3/22/93
Washington, D.C.
2/5/99

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Sarah Louise Caniglia


Sarah Louise Caniglia was stillborn 20th April 1986 nearly 13 years ago and it still hurts.

There wasn't any reason why she died. She just stopped moving one day and then we had a scan and found out that she had died.

I was given the option of being induced or letting nature take its course. I chose to be induced.

It was a long hard labour of 9 hours and I wasn't given much support or compassion from the hospital staff( I swore I would never go back there to have a baby and I didn't).

One of the doctors told me not to hold her and being in the state I was I listened. I regret this, and I will until the day we meet again. I did see her but my husband didn't. There weren't any photos taken and no offering of counselling.

I was released and sent home to cope on my own. If it hadn't been for my eldest son, I wouldn't have coped. He was only 18 months old at the time and still needed me to look after him.

I couldn't even get her birth certificate because stillborn babies weren't recognized until 1989. Then I registered her and have her birth and death certificate.

I now have 3 sons. Shannon who is 15, Jason is 11 and Thomas is 4.

People often ask me when am I going back for a girl. I say to them that I have a daughter, but she isn't here with us. After losing Sarah all I ever wanted was a healthy baby...

Elizabeth
Sarah Louise Caniglia
20-4-1986
Stillborn
Hervey Bay, QLD Australia
2/4/99
E-mail

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Ryan Scott Peter


Hi, my name is Tammy and my first child was stillborn on Oct.4,1991 I named him Ryan, the name I had planned on giving him during the pregnancy. Even though he died I still gave him the name I loved so much. Afterall, it was his name and "saving" it for another child just didn't seem right.

I was a single mom to be living with my parents. My fiancee left me shortly after we found out I was pregnant, I emotionally couldn't handle all of the changes going on in my life. Everything was falling apart. I made soooo many mistakes at that time. How I wish I could have forseen the future. You see I hold myself responsible for my sons death. I know its my fault, I just haven't had the strength to say it out loud. Glen(Ryans Daddy) was going out with other girls. I was 19 years old, and he was my first love. I couldn't stand the pain he was putting me through. I would go to see him to beg him not to be with other girls while I was pregnant. On several occasions these girls would physically attack me. I should have stayed away. If only I knew that babies still died. I was so naive. I never heard of babies dying (well maybe 20 years ago) but certaintly not now. God was I wrong!!

On the early morning of Oct.4,1991 I awoke, my clothes and bed were blood soaked. My parents rushed me to the hospital. The E.R. staff were very caring and assured me that the baby was fine. They sent me up to the maternity floor to monitor the baby. After about 20 minutes a nurse ever so coldly said "THERES NO HEART BEAT< YOUR BABIES DEAD." I was so lost, I couldn't believe this was happening. The Dr. came in and confirmed that my baby had died. I didnt want to stay there, I wanted to go the hospital I had planned to give birth. The on call Dr. contacted my OB/GYN and made arrangements for me to go to that hospital. I needed a pair of "johnnies" to wear because the E.R. disposed of my blood soaked pants. The nurse had a fit but finally after my mom and dad yelled obscenities at this woman she finally gave me some clothes.

We left that hospital and drove 45 minutes to Sharon Hospital. Such a Wonderful Hospital! My Dr. greeted me and gave me some hope when he told me he wanted to do an ultrasound. For some reason, I thought he could see something the other Dr. didn't. I was wrong. My baby really was dead.

At 11:30 a.m. my labor was induced. At 7:51 p.m. my son was born. My Dr. asked me if I wanted to hold him. I was so scared and didn't know what to say so I said nothing.

Several attempts were made to contact Glen, and finally he was reached. I needed him so much, but he made it very clear that he wanted nothing to do with me or his son.

Twenty-three hours after Ryan was born, I finally held him. He was so beautiful, so perfect. I bathed him; rocked him; sang to him; and took pictures. I so badly wanted him baptized by the Catholic priest, but because he never lived he refused. A Lutherin Priest was more than willing to baptize my son, so we went ahead and baptized him Lutherin. My entire family was there for me from beginning to end.

It was time to say good-bye to my sweet baby, I couldn't do it. The nurse had to pull him from my arms.I could hear the other babies crying, oh what I would give to hear my Ryan cry!

The nurses gave me a baby book and gathered as many momentos of my son as they could. These were the most caring people I have ever met!

I went shopping with my mom to get Ryan an outfit to be buried in(a very difficult task, he only weighed 2lbs. 2 oz.). We found a beautiful premie outfit, but we had a hard time finding a hat to fit him. When we asked the store clerk for help he said "give the little guy some time to grow." My mom told him that we couldn't, he was dead, we were shopping for his burial. We were leaving the store with what we had found, when I felt an arm reach around me. It was the store clerk, he placed something in my bag and said "god bless you," he turned and walked away. As we drove away I looked in the bag, and there was a Beautiful white silk hat. I don't know who this man was, but I will never forget his Kindness.

I dressed Ryan for his funeral, he was so cold I can still remember trying so hard to warm him up, but my efforts failed! The funeral home was going to put him in a Styrofoam casket. NOT MY BABY! he deserved better than that. We went to another funeral home, and we purchased a "normal" casket. Ryan wasn't allowed in the Catholic church because he never lived so the priest came to the funeral home and said the mass there. Ryan was buried on top of my grandmother, and when it is my time to go he will be placed with me.

I eventually married Ryan's father(after much heartache). We have 4 children with us on earth, but they will never take Ryan's place. He has a special spot in my heart that is and always will be his. I can't forgive Glen for what he did to me and his son Ryan, but I have learned to accept what we both did 8 years ago. We were young and our selfishness took away our sons chance for life.

I hope God will forgive us both for our sins, but more than anything I hope Ryan knows that I never thought I would lose him. That I'm sooo sorry, and that I love him so.

Tammy
Ryan Scott Peter
10-4-91
Stillborn
Sharon, Ct.
2/15/99
E-mail

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I still remember every moment...


I got pregnant by mistake in 1990, we already had a 4 yr old son, but I was so happy. This time I thought I will have my baby girl at last.

My pregnancy went well for almost 38 weeks, until 12 days before my due date. I went for my usual appt. The nurse could not find the heartbeat. I told her to go get the Doctor, who came and did an ultrasound which showed no heartbeat.

I was in complete denial, I asked to be taken to the hospital at that time. She turned to me and said in a rather cold way, "Your baby is dead.!!!!!" I can never describe the way I felt. It was almost like it was happening to someone else.

However I chose to be induced that night of Feb 28th 1991 and at 6.45am the next morning on March 1st. I gave birth to a beautiful 6 pound 4 ounce baby girl. I thought my heart would break. She was everything I ever wanted. I only held her for 5 minutes and then gave her to the nurse.

I wish that I had this Web Page back then as there was nothing or nowhere to go and talk to. My mother lived in Ireland where I was born, and I needed her so.

It will be Alexandra's 8th birthday in a few days, and I find it still very painfull to see little girls her age. But I am very glad that I had my baby girl in my life, even if only for a little while.

Lori
ALEXANDRA CATHERINE LEWANOWICZ
3-1-91
Stillborn
RALEIGH, N.C.
2/24/99
E-mail

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NATHAN - OUR FIRST AND ONLY SON


I remember it like it was only yesterday and yet it has been 10 1/2 years ago. I know that I will never forget our son, Nathan.

I was a very young mother, only 17 and yet I was excited and ready for the birth of a child. My husband and I were doing the normal things expectant parents do. >

I had a doctor's appointment, because I had changed doctors due to a clash of personality. The appointment went well, and the doctor wanted an ultrasound to be sure we had our dates right, etc. He did no internal examination because I had my records from the previous doctor.

I went in for the ultrasound, about to pop, of course, and was a little apprehensive. I knew the moment they started the ultrasound that something wasn't right. I could not put my finger on it, but I knew.

They were very quiet about things and they kept getting others to check the screen also. I was finished and my sister was waiting on me. I told her of my fears, yet she was reassuring me that nothing was wrong. I was to wait for the doctor to check it, and he wanted to talk to me.

He came in the room, and I can still see his face. He looked so distraught. He told me that I had a condition known as an Incompetent Cervix. The cervix had already began dilating, and the membranes were ballooning out of the cervix.

I was 20 and 1/2 weeks pregnant. I was to be admitted to the hospital immediately and they would be doing surgery the following Monday to stitch the cervix closed, a cervical cerclage.

I still remember the numb feeling. I listened and yet wasn't there. I went upstairs and was admitted. I was placed in Trendelenburg position, with my feet elevated and my head lowered, to decrease the pressure on the cervix. I was not sure what was about to happen.

The doctor had told us the possiblities and that if infection had set in, that he would have to let nature take it's course. I was scheduled to have surgery on Monday morning.

I woke up about 1 am and needed to use the bedpan. I was not allowed out of the bed for any reason. I used it and then felt a warm feeling. I figured out that my water had broke. I told the nurse.

She checked me and said she was going to call the doctor. Within minutes they were placing and IV and switching me to the stretcher. By now, my contractions were getting strong. I turned to see what my husband was doing, and there was a pool of blood in the bed, I had a placenta abruptio. I was there, yet I wasn't.

I remember going thru labor pains and then delivering a 1 lb. 4 oz., 12 in. long, baby boy. We held him for a little while. His eyes were fused shut and he was not able to breathe. I still see his tiny face, his tiny hands and feet.

I don't know that I will ever forget it, and I don't want to. I am so grateful for the wonderful staff. They took polaroid pictures and gave us his name bracelet, foot prints and I asked for the blanket they wrapped him in. ( I placed all the pictures and little items in a little photo album, that I still take out and show my girls, I then placed the blanket in a zippered bag, it still has a little of the smell of my baby boy. If we had placed it sooner, it would have more of that smell.)

The feelings were so strange, happiness, joy and yet a numbness. I know that without the Lord, we would never have made it. He has blessed us in so many ways. We have 3 healthy, beautiful girls, 9, 5, and 2 years. We are so greatful to the Lord and he deserves so much praise.

I also want to note, that we had a miscarriage between the 2nd and 3rd girls. I was only 11 weeks, but it was an eye opening experience. I thought my loss was so great because I was so far into my pregnancy. But, God showed me that a loss is a loss. I pray that I can touch someone and be a shining light for the Lord.

My point is, it is always fresh in my memory, yet I am not as saddened anymore. I did my grieving and now it is time to help others. I love people and I pray that no one has to go through such an ordeal.

It took time and love but, most of all a faith in the Lord. Let yourself grieve. My way of grieving may be different from yours, and that is OK. But, remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I really feel, that someday we will have another son. Please keep us in your prayers.

LaRessie
Nathan
10/17/88
Second trimester loss
Sylva, NC
5/12/99
E-mail

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Shane Michael, May 24, '93


My son, Shane Michael, was stillborn on 24 May 1993. It was one day after his due date. The cord was loosely wrapped around his shoulder, but even after his autopsy, the doctor's could not give me a concrete reason for his death. The doctor who performed the autopsy merely "guessed" that Shane "crimped" his umbulical cord by pressing against it.

I loved my baby with all of my heart and soul and losing him was completely devastating. It has been almost 6 years, and still...not a day goes by that I don't think about him and imagine the little boy that he would have been. The one thing I am grateful for is that I know he is in heaven with God. Thanks for reading this.

Lara
Lillington, NC
5/15/99
E-mail

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I lost my 2 babies . One in 1989 on Halloween and one March 1990.

One year to the day I had a healthy son, but that doesn't mean I don't miss you. I miss you two alot and wanted to do this so they will be remembered.

I will see you two in heaven one day. Just wait and see. We will all be together.

I love you my dear son's. I think of you often and have special Christmas ornaments for you I still put on the tree.

I love you!!

Michelle
Baby Boy's
Miscarriage
Nashville, TN
6/23/99


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Andrew Paul Robertson ~ March 20, 1990


To begin with, this birth was my first child. Born at 1:37 in the afternoon, after a very average and uneventful pregnancy. The heartbeat was laboured and difficult to find from the beginning.

Because of this, my doctor wanted a second opinion. When that information was passed to me, I prayed "Lord please, if my baby is going to be damaged in any way or needs constant care because of being in a vegetated state-take him now". And he did! Nobody can tell me that God isn't merciful, as he didn't leave my son here to suffer through life not knowing how much he is loved and cherished.

It was very difficult to endure at the time, as the doctor giving the second opinion as to doing a ceasarean section took 30 minutes to walk, about 200 feet. My then husband was enraged, but as with any grieving parents we concentrated on comforting one another.

It was my intent to work through my grief alone! In hindsight, I think this may not have been the best decision - as I went to Andrew's grave everyday for over a year. In the process, shutting out my husband from my grieving process. To be honest, it was more to protect my heart than to invite in his criticism of my Grief! He felt I should "get over it!"

"Well as for getting over it", I believe you never totally do! It has been nine years, and I still think of my boy every day. I pray nightly for my Lord to keep him "close and safe"! I have never felt closer or in direct communication with my "angel" than now.

Here is what I hope for everyone who is going through this now. Time does heal the wound, it won't bleed any longer-but the scar is still on your heart. Allow the memories of a beautiful and precious angel brought to you, if only by grace to free your soul to heal!

My mother gave me a lovely verse for my sons headstone, it reads "budded on earth to bloom in Heaven"!!

Here is a poem I wrote to my son, almost a year after his death:

The Precious Blossom

The Father has another precious blossom in his garden,

Petal by petal you left,
and with your departure; we wept.

The Father has another precious blossom in his garden,

We think of you all the time,
and our love for you grows,
The day we can see you standing on the shore-
we will then be with you for all time.

Then my darling, the love we have for you will be all that shows.
A year ago, The Father received another precious blossom for his garden.

For my son Andrew:
The angel who's spirit fills my days with joy.

Love Always,
Mommy



Tammy
Andrew Paul Robertson
March 20, 1990
Stillborn
Grande Cache, Alberta Canada

Marcia's thoughts: Your thoughts will help other parents who have both just lost a baby and who have lost years ago know that we never forget our special babies and we hold them close forever. Your grieving sounds very normal...as do your husband's thoughts. Going to the grave everyday is something that many moms, especially do, and it does help us to heal. Also, our confusion as to how to "protect ourselves" from more hurt is very real. Increasingly allowing the sweeter memories to remain is so important for healing -thank you for helping to let others know that this can happen.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Our dear little Kaitlyn, we love you so...

We always ask ourselves why you had to go.

God had his reasons to take you away
as we patiently wait to meet you again one day.

The short time we had we will treasure forever,
as overcoming the sadness becomes our hardest endeavor.

The days are long and sometimes blue
as life goes on without you!




It is hard to believe that 8 years has past. You are in our thoughts every day. We talk about you to your two little sisters often. Even though they never met you they always speak about their big sister. It makes life a little easier knowing that we have a special angel watching over us.

We want to wish you a Happy 8th Birthday in Heaven.

All our love,

Mommy, Daddy, Elizabeth & Katie




Cathy
Kaitlyn Elizabeth
July 13, 1991
Stillborn
Brooklyn, NY
7/13/99
E-mail

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Erin Marie


This is an anniversary time for me - it has been 12 years since Erin Marie was delivered stillborn - two weeks before her due date. She touched our lives and continues to live in my heart every day.

I happened to find this website and what a tremendous source of sharing.

Yes, I still cry and this is the most difficult time of year for me. My thanks for giving me this opportunity to share my grief - I feel like I am still trying to accept, even though my life has continued since that heartbreaking day (July 24,1987).

Claudia
Stillborn
7/24/87
Romney, WV
8/2/99
E-mail

Marcia's thoughts: We never have to like that we loss our sweet babies, but learning to cope and survive is what is so important. Reaching out to others helps us and them...and provides a place for the love that we have for our babies. I believe it is okay to remember and to cry and to share. Please consider emailing some of the other moms on this page...most wish understanding, support and outreach. And...thank you for sharing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Haley Marie..

I imagine
your strawberry curls,
deep blue eyes,
a smile that lights the darkest day.

I imagine
special times with you -
long talks,
shopping trips,
secrets shared.

Imaginings
are all I have.
On that day
ten years ago
you slipped away from me.

The dreams,
the hopes,
the future -
gone in the wink of an eye.

Replaced with
heart break,
emptiness and
anguish.

Time is healing,
but never forgetting.
Hope of being with you again
when my life here ends.

But know
you are not forgotten.
You will always be
my first born,
my only daughter,
the one who made me a mother.

I love you,
Happy 10th birthday, Haley.

In loving memory of my daughter, Haley Marie,
by her mom, Jill Thigpen



For more of Jill's thoughts...under "Thoughts further along our Path..."In Memory of Garrett and in Thanksgiving for Addison" by Jill (8/6/99)

Jill
Haley Marie Thigpen
2/18/88
Stillborn
Charlotte, NC
8/6/99
E-mail

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In Loving Memory of Jordan Tyler 9/1/90



You were my first child,
my first precious baby.
Although it's been so long,
you were never forgotten.
I still love you and always will.

Love,
Mommy
9/1/90



Jordan's Mommy
Jordan Tyler
8/24/99

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Jonathan and Lachlan


I lost my twin boys Jonathan and Lachlan at 29 weeks gestation (nov 1994) after premature labour.

Both boys did well for a time before Lachlan developed respirator complications at 6 days old. My husband and I live in a small town so could not get to Sydney until the eve of his death. I treasure that we got to see him alive still.

Our other baby Jonathan did well until 13 days old. He developed sepsis and died suddenly and very unexpectedly. I will always love and think of my babies lost.

Having support from sites such as this and from caring family and friends allows me to remeber them in a positive way.

As you can imagine, this is a very shortened description of my story, but really what else is there to say, they lived and we loved them, now they are gone and we still love them.... I see them every day in the eyes of my other three children (one pre-twins, two post-twins), and they help me to heal.

Thank you for sharing your story and helping others to heal.

Ps: losing my boys taught me many lessons, the least of which inspired to lead a more productive life, hence I have reumed my schooling and am studying psychology with the aim to one day also help others.

Thank you again, sincerely Liz Mitchell

Liz
premie
Nov 1994
Merimbula, NSW
Australia
10/6/99
E-mail

Marcia's thoughts: As I share on the site, five years is often a milestone in our heart as we remember our special babies. Five is that age of change that we think about in our living children.

We will never forget these special babies, they will be forever in our hearts and souls.

Thank you for sharing your story. I know other parents gain so much when they read that parents do survive this tragedy..never liking what happened but going on in life's plan. Often, as you have turning your love for your babies into a gift for yourself and others. Bless you in your new study and field.



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Jay Neilson 13-5-93


Where do I begin? I suppose the best way is to start at the beginning, I'm just afraid that once I start I won't stop.

November 1992, my husband came home from work to tell me he decided it was time to start a family. I was ecstatic - I had only been hinting for months.

After stopping the pill my cycles were irregular and I had been disappointed on a number of occasions when I hadn't fallen pregnant. Late March and my period was again late. I held off rushing to the doctor. Steve was at me to go, so on the 1st April, I toddled off. To my surprise and delight I was finally pregnant and we'd have our baby in November.

Morning sickness soon came the week after then finally stopped. I woke one morning to some spotting but I wasn't alarmed at first. I went to a meeting and arrived at my mum's for lunch in dire straits to go to the toilet - that's when I began to bleed and the cramps began.

I became concerned and rang my doctor who told me to go to bed. I told my mum and she took me to the hospital just to ease my mind. They didn't seem too concerned.

That night the cramps got worse and the bleeding brighter. Again I went to hospital, this time to the one near home. Again I was told not to worry, just rest.

The following day the bleeding became heavier and I now began to pass clots. I had an ultrasound and everything seemed fine. At 7pm that night the pain was unbearable so my husband rushed me to hospital where I was admitted.

I spent the next 6 days in a medical/surgical ward where only my physical needs were met. I was constantly told, "if it happens, it happens. Don't cry about it". My need for pain relief was also overlooked.

After crying in pain for 3 hours and after I asked numerous times for pain relief, I received it only because I rang my husband who came in. I have informed the hospital director of Nursing and that ward has been counseled.

The 6th day I was moved to maternity at 4pm. At around 7pm the cramps started and became worse which resulted in pain relief. About an hour later the pain increased and the staff recognized I was going to lose my baby so I was given more pain relief.

The blood was gushing away and I had no control. Around 1am on the 13th May, 1993 I woke. I didn't feel right and asked for a pan. I felt the need to push and when I did there went my baby. I was too afraid to ask the staff to see my Jay.

Shortly after I began getting sharp pains and again I was given pain relief. At first I didn't want my husband to leave, but I soon found myself feeling warmed and loved, contented and knew I wasn't alone, and without thinking I told my husband to leave.

My husband told me later that I continually looked over my shoulder and smiled like someone was there, so he decided to leave. As he did he went to turn my night light off but it wouldn't. A short time later it flickered and every time I opened my eyes it flickered. We had the light checked and nothing was wrong with it. I'm not a great believer in the supernatural, but I do feel it was my Jay letting me know he was okay.

I attend a miscarriage support group at Bowral Hospital 3 weeks later. My friend wrote to find out how the group went and also sent me the article on Pen-Parents from the magazine. It wasn't until I attend the next meeting I found out that Pen-Parents do help and was lent a couple of newsletters. Enspiring me to write my own strory.

As I've read back on this letter I realized I haven't spoken much of my feelings. I'm no different from the next.

I got angry with Steve, myself and Jay. I withdrew, I cried, I've felt guilty. I also feel very alone, even in a room full of people. I have a hard time hearing people planning to fall pregnant or who have.

I don't want to forget or replace Jay but I do want to be pregnant soon.

Thanks for letting us get our experience out in the open.

Love Michelle & Steve & Jay (dec.)

I wrote this some time ago and since then have been blessed with boy/girl twins who are now 4 and another son who is now 3.

Michelle
Jay
13/5/93
Miscarriage
Campbelltown, Australia
10/7/99)
E-mail

Marcia's thoughts: Your story will help others to know that we can survive this tragedy..never liking it but allowing ourselves to gradually heal. That is so hard to understand right after a loss.

I am glad that you found comfort in support groups. That is the very reason this site is here. And as we outreach to others we continue the support.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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In Anticipation


We were just married.. I found out I was expecting about 3 months later. Even though it wasn't planned, we were very excited. I had called everyone in our address book to announce the blessed event.

I had little experience with kids, but I was reading a lot so I could be the best mom I could be and know everything I would need to know to take care of this little life that was being given to my husband and I.

When I was about 6 months along, I always seemed to have stomach aches. The doctors kept saying that nothing was wrong. That it was just pulled muscles.(I got quite big)

At 32 weeks into the pregnancy, I woke out of a heavy sleep at 2am. I was having severe pain in my stomach and new something was wrong. I woke my husband and he rushed me to the hospital. I wasn't bleeding, but I was showing contractions one right after the other. They tried to stop the labor with medicines through the IV. The medicine made me sleep a lot. Most of the rest I'm writing is information my husband told me after the fact.

The baby's heart rate started going down with the contractions. The doctor was in the middle of a phone call for a second opinion when they lost the baby's heartbeat. They tried for about 20 minutes to find it my husband said.

It wasn't until six hours after he was gone that I started bleeding. They rushed me in for a c-section. They gave me a fifty percent chance of surviving they told my husband.

But I did make it. I awoke in the intensive care unit with my husband there asking if I wanted to see Corey(that's what we named him). For a minute I thought it had just been a nightmare. That I had only dreamed this awful experience. But when he came to me with this bundle of blankets in his arms, I knew it was true. It had happened. I was living a nightmare. I was so weak that I couldn't hold my son. I regret that so much.

I spent a week in the hospital. And the day after I was released, we had our sons funeral. A few of my family came from a distance away. I arrived an hour earlier than everyone else along with my husband. This way I could have some time with him alone. I got to the door of the room he was in and saw the smallest casket. I saw him lying there. I was in awe. Still amazed that I had had a baby, and in shock that he was dead.

I brought a picture of my husband and I and placed it in the casket with him. I kissed him on the cheek and just stared at him and held my husband. And just cried and cried. I felt so empty and didn't know what to do. The hardest thing I've ever done in my life was to close his casket. Knowing I wasn't going to see him again until I joined him in heaven.

Some of the worst comments I heard from family and friends had to be: at least you can still have more, or I know how you feel.

Another child isn't going to replace the one I lost and none of my family had lost children. My parent didn't even like to acknowledge him when I would talk about him any. It made me feel like he had never existed except to me and my husband.

It's been almost 9 years now. My husband and I made it through it all together. We've had 4 more children, all girls. All of them are well and are my world. They help fill the empty arms, but unfortunately, they don't fill the empty part of my heart that belongs to Corey. Nothing ever will. I miss him so much and regret that we never got to know each other.

I love you, Corey!

Marcia's thoughts: Your story confirms what we share with our newly bereaved parents, we never forget the details or our love for our baby. We hold them forever in our hearts and souls. It helps newly bereaved parents to understand this so they can save mementos, share their story and begin to heal knowing that healing doesn't mean forgetting.

Tammy
Corey William Curtis
7/20/91
Stillborn
4/30/00
E-mail

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Halie Maye


I had a stillborn baby girl named Halie Maye Hanson 5/5/1993. She was due 5/8/1993, which that year was Mother's Day.

That was the hardest year of my life, the first year of holidays. I now have 5 yr. old twin children that help me make it through the sad holidays.

Even though I never got to see Halie alive, just seeing her and holding her after she was born was enough to let me know she will always be a part of my life.

She would have turned 7 this May and there are always the thoughts of "wonder what she would look like", "how would she act", "she would be in school", those thoughts will always be there.

I am so grateful to have my twins now, they are my world and could notimagine life without them. They will never replace Halie, but they are my gems in my life!! As the years go by it does get easier to make it through the hoildays. They are still sad, but I know that Halie is in a peaceful place and she will always have a special place in my heart.

Carla
Halie Maye Hanson
05/05/93
Stillborn
5/11/00

Marcia's thoughts: As I have said so many times, we will not forget these special babies and I believe that each of my five children, three in heaven two living, have helped mold who I am today. Your thoughts help confirm this for both myself and those who read the site. Thank you for sharing.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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He Would Have Been Eight.


Nicholas was our first child. We had been married for only 6 months when I found out I was pregnant! We were so excited and couldn't wait to tell everyone. My pregnacy proceeded normally with everything seeming to be fine. We were all set by the time I was 34 weeks along and never even thought something could go wrong.

I awoke one morning feeling fine and went about my day. After a few hours, I realized my normally active baby was not kicking at my belly as he usually did. I called the doctor and they had me come right in.

I was hooked up to a fetal monitor and little Nicky's heart was beating away but seemed to fall to a pretty low rate. They kept me hooked up for hours, and then sent me home. I didn't know at the time, but our baby was in distress most of the day. As soon as his heart rate stablized, they sent me home.

Three days later, I was back with the same problem. This time, little Nicky's heart was not beating away. The ultrasound technichian was silent and then wished us good luck. The way she said it froze my heart. By the time we walked back to the doctor's office in the hospital, they had already delivered the news. Our son was gone. Now I had to deliver my son who would never cry or draw a breath at birth. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. The physical pain was minimal, but my heart broke with every push.

They let me hold Nicky afterwards. He was so small and perfect. I didn't want to let him go, but I had to. They took his foot prints and his picture and a lock of hair so we could have some tangible memories. He is buried with his great-grandparents and we bring his 6 year old brother and 1 year old sister to visit. My daughter is too young, but my son knows that he has an older brother with God who watches over all of us.

It still hurts so much to think about that time in our lives, but how can I not think of my little boy and what could have been. He is always with us in our hearts and it helps to know that he is in a good place and someday we'll meet again and he can finally call me mommy.

We love you Nicky,
Mommy



Kathy
Nicholas Andrew
4/10/92
Stillborn
6/14/00
E-mail

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ten years to have a my family...my story" by Dawna




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Well I was 5 months and I got a bad infection. I went into labor. They trid to stop it but it was to late. I had the baby and she lived about 6 hours. This was in 1990.

8 months later I got pregnat again and the same thing happened. I went to my 7 month and lost her. She lived about 8 hours.

Two years later I got pregnant again and carried her till 8 in a half months. She made it and is now 6 years old. Then I had a miscarriage in 1996.

The next year a had 1 more child who is now 2 years old. Let's say I have had a bad time trying to have a family.

Dawna
tinasimons 5 12 90
E-mail

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...from the moment that I told her (my 5 year old daughter) that is all she talked about...her sister Meghan...

It is hard to believe that even after 7 years the feelings of that day are still apart of me as if it could have been today. I felt and still feel a loss that you can not easily put into words.

As a matter of fact I have never put into words on paper. I still remember what would have been her birthday. I went on to have two healthy boys after my miscarriage, but so many people said "Oh this baby will help heal your pain." It may have taken some of the pain away, but the loss is still so great.

I actually didn't know if my baby was a girl but my heart tells me so. I already had a 5 year old little girl, and from the moment I told her I was pregnant that is all she talked about was her sister Meghan. Somehow I feel she knew.

I often wonder what my life would be like raising my 4 children instead of 3. I can picture my little blonde haired, brown eyed little girl. And I want her to know Mommy loves her......

Michelle
Meghan Nicole Thomas
May 22, 93
Miscarriage
9/29/00
E-mail

Marcia's comments: Your daughter's statement of belief I have heard many times in our groups. The fact that so many of our parents then honor their child's belief by naming the baby based on the shared information is very meaningful to me. Each family member is very dear....



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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In Loving Memory of Baby of Dreams ~ April 14, 1988



I barely knew that you were there, and then you were gone forever. I didn't have the chance to tell your father before you left my life. I never saw your tiny face, never held you in my arms... but you touched my heart for all time.

Little darling, may the One Who Watches us all bless and keep you until close until the time for you to return to mortal life comes again -- I love you.

It's been many years since that night, but I will never forget.

Kim
Baby of Dreams
April 14, 1988
Miscarriage
Winston-Salem, NC
11/22/00
E-mail

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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