SHARE Atlanta Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Grief Support Sharing/future pregnancy issues

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"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts - Along this Path


Future Pregnancy
Supportive Notes
Stories about Subsequent Pregnancies...

"To See Canyon from Ridge" by Lorin 9/17/98

"I just received good news this week." by Becky 1/30/99

"...Our 2 older sons still still worry every time I go to the doctor that this baby won't come home those thoughts are mine and my husband's also." by Erica (3/25/99)

"...My (subsequent) pregnancy went on to end in a beautiful Baby BOY born on Christmas Day!!! Healthy. My cevix was fine and he is fine." by Mandi (4/14/99)

"...2 months after losing Rose, I fell accidentally pregnant again. This was a real shock - by Fiona (5/14/99)

"Shelby Elise Norris...reflections on my pregnancy..." by Chrissy (11/4/99)

"Alexandra Dannielle" by Bobbi (10/30/00)

"Second baby on the way..." by Amber (1/20/00)

"One year anniversary, and impending new arrival" by Kathy (12/17/00)

To See Canyon from Ridge

My husband and I are truly blessed. We have been given two beautiful sons. As I write this, one of them is sleeping soundly in his crib and the other is watching from heaven.

On January 10, 1997 our first child was born. There were no hurried nurses, no shouted orders, no apgar score. We had already been told that our son was to be stillborn.

We held him in our arms, sang him songs, prayed and cried, all the while taking pictures. We knew that our time with him was brief and we wanted to remember all of it.

In the weeks that followed, people quietly reassured us that we would someday have a baby to bring home. The doctors were very adament that it "wouldn't happen again."

None of that mattered to me. My baby was gone and I missed him with every ounce of love in my heart. I did not hate God and I was not mad at the doctors, I simply grieved for my son.

During the next month, I adamently denied that I was ready for another pregnancy. But, somehow, the desire to be pregnant creeped into my heart. By the time our 3 month "waiting period" was over, I knew I wanted another baby. Just like a mother with a living child knows she can love a second baby, I knew that I needed to have another child.

We are lucky, and I conceived in April. We found out I was pregnant the day before Mother's Day and we were cautiously over-joyed. Like our first son, we fell in love with our second child the day we knew he existed.

Thus began what we referred to as "The World's Longest Pregnancy."

We chose to stay with the same doctor (he is wonderful) and are very pleased we did. He treated us with optimism and honesty throughout the long months.

Everything went smoothly until I could feel movement. Then I began to fall apart. If the poor child didn't perform on demand, I was sure that something had happened to him.

At 26 weeks our doctor sent us to the perinatologists. They did weekly biophysical profiles and kept reasurring us that everything was okay. I know that this saved us several trips to the emergency room (I would have gone out of shear panic!)

At 37 weeks, they told us that our son was ready. I will be forever grateful that the doctors said it was a good idea to induce. I don't know if I could have made it 3 more weeks! That was December 29th.

They tried to get us into the hospital on the 30th, but it was already booked. We had to settle for the 31st. I was sure that the extra 24 hours would prove fatal, and I think I actually stayed awake the entire time.

Finally, it was time to go. They induced labor at 6am on December 31, 1997.

It was the first time since we got pregnant that I didn't worry. I could hear his heart beat on the monitor, and I knew that everything was okay. 22 and 1/2 hours later, Ridge was born by cecearean.

He was the first New Year's Day baby in our area and he was perfect. The nurses and doctors that had shared our grief over Canyon's death were there to share our joy over Ridge's birth.

I know that having a subsequent pregnancy that soon is not for everyone. I also know that I would not change it for the world. Someday we will tell Ridge about Canyon.

For now, he is protected by his very own guardian angel.

Canyon Taylor Koemel
Fort Worth, TX

For Lorin's story about Canyon...and other special thoughts..."Canyon Taylor" by Lorin (9/23/98)

Marcia's Thoughts: Your story touches on so many of the issues that a parent moves through as they experience the loss of a child, make the huge decision to try again and deal with all the fears known during the subsequent pregnancy. I have heard these very real concerns over and over again in our groups. Our love for our special baby is then shared with their subsequent siblings...and our angels above watch over those on this good earth. Thank you for sharing your thougths...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Dear Friends,

I recently submitted my story, "Christian in 1998," to your site. I lost a baby to blighted ovum miscarriage on November 7, 1998.

I just received good news this week. I am six weeks pregnant again!

Unlike last time, I am already beginning to experience the normal pregnancy signs that weren't present with Christian. I have a really good feeling that everything is going to be fine with this pregnancy. Elizabeth will soon be the big sister she's been so excited to become!

Our family wishes the best of luck to all those who, like us, are trying again after miscarriage. God Bless You, Becky 1/30/99

For more of Becky's thoughts visit: "Christian in 1998," "To Christian Lee, Our Little Angel"(12/12/98); Lindsey Arrives 9/17/99!

"Christian in 1998" by Becky (11/30/98) and updates 2/15/02

Christian Lee
Hopkinsville, KY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Joshua William Lee

Today is the day 3 years ago that my husband and I found out we were pregnant with our fourth child and though misgivings were present because our youngest son was only 6 mos old we were happy.

Also today we are going to the doctor to see our now 6th child on ultrasound for the first time. Since Joshua was born we have been blessed with a healthy daughter, but I still feel the loss of him in our family.

Our 2 older sons still still worry every time I go to the doctor that this baby won't come home those thoughts are mine and my husband's also.

When I gave birth to Sandra our 18mo old daughter they were so scared I wouldn't come home with a new baby that my then 5 year old wouldn't talk to me on the phone before she was born. After they looked at me and said "Mommy do we get to keep this or does God get her too?" Today we remember our beautiful son so perfect yet too soon.

Joshua William Lee
Toledo, OH

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Mikeala Isabelle

Last March 98 I found out I was pregnant after delivering a baby girl on 28 Jan 98. I was only 21 weeks pregnant. The cause was an allergic reaction to the cord they used to sew my cervix closed. Then in the same note I ended up having a placental abruption and went into labor and had my daughter Mikeala Isabelle. She lived for 15 min.

I was just horrified about having another. On April 11 1998 I found out I was pregnant again. My due date was 25 Dec 98.

My pregnancy started out slow, I went to the best doctors and at first they said it was hormones left from my daughter. Then the ultrasound showed I was pregnant.

At 14 weeks the doctors thought that the bottom half of the baby's brain was missing and ran futher tests. I found out later it was a reflection of of the renal system.

My pregnancy went on. I was placed on bedrest and I had ultrasounds to check my cervix since I declined the surgery ( cerclauge).

My pregnancy went on to end in a beautiful Baby BOY born on Christmas Day!!! Healthy. My cevix was fine and he is fine. The good lord made him special enough to share his birthday with his son.

Now I have time to grieve about my daughter. I miss the fact I can't braid her hair, or teach her how to cook. I had the pleasure of knowing her, holding her and being able to let her know when she died that mommie loved / loves her very much.

My 3 yr old askes where she is, I have to say with Jesus. I know that my little guy will know of her too. I still cry, especially when I hold my baby and see just a little bit of her in him.

Please let everyone who has children to love them like there is no tomorrow, because you just don't know. There may not be! God Bless to all. And Good Luck

Wichita Falls, TX

Marcia's Thoughts:...You, indeed, deserve time, now, to grieve your special baby and all you loss with her passing. Please be gentle with yourself as you continue on your path of healing.

I included your story under Sharing Stories, "Why Grieve" and under "Future Pregnancy Issues/Supportive Notes." I feel your story will help others to know that grieving can be moved through as we need to...there is no "set pattern." I also believe your story can give other parents hope as they move through subsequent pregnancy issues. I thank you for sharing.

Give you little ones a hug for me. My sons know of their siblings in heaven...and I feel that all of my children have helped to make our wonderful family what it is today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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...2 months after losing Rose, I fell accidentally pregnant again. This was a real shock - which took me many months to come to terms with...totally unprepared for a new life and very much in the early days of losing Rose.

The pregnancy was very hard throughout and included scares like signs of possible Downs Syndrome etc but even after a clear amnio I did not feel particularly confident or at ease.

Two weeks before Rose would have been 1 year old, my darling sweet Jessica Lee Rose was born. A healthy 3.8kg baby girl!

Jessica has now just turned 4 months old and is an absolute bright, full of life little girl. She is very advanced for her age and I imagine she will keep me very busy once she starts crawling!

When she was first born, I was concerned that I would not have enough love for her as I still believe I have much grieving for Rose to do. Now I am really pleased to say that I love Jessica as a separate little person whilst at the same time, continue to grieve for Rose on an ongoing basis.

In fact, every day I think of Rose in a very special way - she will always hold a special place in my heart. But I know that she has given me another gift - her sweet little sister and I am extremely grateful for Rose's own sacrifice.

I wouldn't say this series of events is 'a happy ending' but I do now believe in those words which in the very early days of losing Rose, angered me greatly i.e. "time does heal".

Tomorrow will be the first Mothers Day where I have 2 living children by my side. My 4 year old son, Dallin and of course, little Jessica. But I will always consider myself a mother of 3 and that little Rose is watching us from above each and every day. One day I will meet my Rose and have the chance to love her as my special daughter. Many thanks, Fiona

"A Loving Note and Poem" by Fiona (5/98)

New Zealand

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Shelby Elise Norris...reflections on my pregnancy...

After the death of Colton, all I could think of was having another baby. I was so consumed with the sorrow of losing my precious son. I needed my empty arms to be filled.

I didn't want to replace Colton, nor to make his memory go away. This was just something I needed to help myself deal with his loss and to continue enjoying life.

My husband did not share my feelings. He didn't ever want to try again. He had been let down once and had given up hope.

But to me hope is all we have, and Colton would not want us to give up.

So 3 months later we were pregnant again. (After much arguing and almost splitting up.)

After finding out I was pregnant again, I did not want anyone to know. I felt that everyone had let me down in the 'support' area of losing Colton and I didn't want to share this news with them. I thought they would not understand.

Finally I told my mom, who in turn told everyone else. I continued to hide my condition at work until it was obvious to others.

Things were going okay. I went to the doctors every two weeks for my peace of mind.

Then I took the triple screen test and it came back positive that our baby may have Down's syndrome. We were terrified.

There were couples in our group that had lost babies because of this. It was a very tense time waiting for the sonogram. We waived the amnio because of the risk it posed.

Our results came back that we had a 1 in 27 chance of having a baby with Down's. After the sonogram the doctors told us that she didn't appear to have any characteristics of Down's, but that didn't guarantee anything.

All we knew was that all her organs worked and were formed properly, if she had Down's then we would cross that hurdle when it came. And yes, it was a Girl!

So I continued to wait for the time. We had a echocardiogram which showed everything was forming as it should this time around. That helped me out a lot.

I was beginning to be able to go around other babies finally, my life seemed to be getting a little easier.

Then I started having contractions and dilating at 33 weeks. I went home on bedrest until my 37th week, when our darling Shelby (perfect in every way)made her arrival on our anniversary and on Colton's due date and the day we buried him one year later.

I feel that somehow she was a gift from Colton, letting us know that he is safe and happy in heaven. Watching over us and making sure that we are happy in our lives here.

I know that every day I am here my heart will ache for the son that I have lost. But I also know that I have all eternity to spend with him one day!

For now I cherish my two little angels here on earth and guard over them daily. Chrissy

"Precious Angel" by Chrissy (10/8/98) and Shelby Elise Arrives 9/17/99!

Colton Michael Norris
Future Pregnancy Issues
Kansas City,MO

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Alexandra Dannielle

I wrote last year and told the story of Ryan who would be one in a couple weeks. It was so very hard for me to deal with this loss. It was after all my third possibly the fourth one I'd loss.

Others were not there the way I'd hoped. It was actually the end of a couple life long friendships. Then I went back to work and worked nonstop volunteering at other station so I'd work seven days a week.

My husband and I took a long weekend to go home to Alaska where I went off by myself to grieve over Ryan in a way that hadn't been possible at the base where we were stationed. Unknowingly I became pregnant that weekend.

We were still waiting to get insurance approval for testing. Just two weeks later I suffered a pulled groin at work. The doctor felt something and sent me for tests. That began the longest and hardest ten mos of my life.

But on March second of this year my daughter was born two weeks late. Her sideways breech position in the womb only an early testament to her stubborness.

She is nearly eight mos old now and I still don't know why I lost the others. My insurance never ok'd the tests. Next year we hope to try again.

We'll try just once more before we look to adopt an older child. But even if I never again feel my child growing inside of me I will always be thrilled with my daughter no matter what hurdles she has to overcome.

She is the light of my life. I will never forget those whom I never held in my arms. They brought to me far more than I could ever explain. But above all else they make me appreciate Alexandra more than most parents ever think to do.

She is my light no matter how dark life gets. I am so blessed to have her. My heart expands every time she says mama or mommy. She looks just like her daddy but she seems to know how much I need her and I am never allowed to leave her sight unless daddy is there to distract her.

There are no words to comfort any of us who have lost a child before or after birth. To those around us I just ask this. Leave the platitudes at home - just open your ears and heart and listen.

A hug also goes a long way. Thank you to those who helped me cope with my loss knowingly and unknowingly.

Alexandra Dannielle

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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One year anniversary, and impending new arrival

One year ago I wrote to your wonderful site to talk of my grief after my miscarriage. It was of course a difficult loss for our family, and to happen right before the Holidays just made coping that much more difficult.

In the end of April, we found out we were expecting again, imagine my elation. It has been a difficult pregnancy with many problems.

I have visited this site on many occasions and still cry now for my previous loss, but I also thank God for the baby I will deliver within the next two days. I have to be induced because of PIH, but am almost 38 weeks, so I feel the baby is ready.

It's bittersweet, to remember just one year ago I lost a baby, and now will bring another into our family. I will never forget the baby I lost, but now December will be a better month.

Thank you so much for this site and all the wonderful info and support you offer.

"My Time To Grieve, My Lost Angel" by Kathy (12/23/99)

Announcing Collin Jacob ~ Dec. 14, 2000


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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