SHARE Atlanta Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Grief Support

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"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts - Along this Path

Miscarriage - Entries -2000

It was a wonderful feeling
to have a new life growing inside of me.
I noticed several weeks prior to the
confirmation of my pregnancy that there
were many changes occuring in my body
that were so fascinating to me..
...already 7 weeks pregnant at that time.
Everything was going fine until on the 9th of March...

"This is our experience of how Jamie was born..." by Wendy

"Our Experience"

"My Time To Grieve, My Lost Angel" by Kathy (12/23/99) & (12/17/00)

"In memory of our precious Taylor" by Rosaria (1/3/00)

"My unborn baby" by Charlene (1/4/00)

"Our World Came Crashing Down" by Vicki (1/10/00)

"Do you think that I am being silly feeling this way? Will I ever get over it?" by Sandy (1/14/00)

"My little Lauren Lee" by Shelly (3/00)

"Jess" by Lisa (5/3/00)

"Losing Nathan" by Ladonna (6/23/00)

"Jared Ashman" by Sonja (6/27/00 posted 7/14/00)

"My Twins..." by Shelli (10/17/00)

My Time To Grieve, My Lost Angel

I am glad the grief counselor at the Hospital I had my loss gave me this web site. It has only been two weeks since the start of my miscarriage, it took five days, and ended in an emergency D&C. This would have been our fourth child, a very planned and wanted baby.

I was 7 weeks along and planning its future, and then all plans ended on 12-12-99 in the operating room.

I have cried so often for this loss, nobody in my family really understands my pain except my husband who has been very supportive, even my mom said, be thankful you have 3 beautiful children.

I know I have 3 kids, but it doesn't take away the hurt of losing this one.

I have yet to name the baby, I feel strongly that it was a boy, but I am still so early in grieving, I am doing all I can to get through the holidays without going crazy. My entire family has been ill with colds and stomach flu since the day after my D&C, I have taken care of all, but myself, and I am exhausted.

But reading through this site has begun to help me realize I am not alone. Thank you.

"One year anniversary, and impending new arrival" by Kathy (12/17/00) and "One year anniversary, and impending new arrival" by Kathy (12/17/00)

Announcing Collin Jacob ~ Dec. 14, 2000

Burnsville, MN

Marcia's thoughts: I believe that each child is special and does not equal another. Every pregnancy promises the hope of a future with a living child - our child-to-be, our dream.

So often after an early loss, especially a miscarriage, parents don't give themselves permission to grieve that child's loss. Especially if they have other living children. Often those around them don't understand (as I have written about under Family, Friends, and Co-Workers"), but they often want us to move on so that they will not see us hurt.

Grieving is a normal reaction to the loss of a loved one. I share many parents feelings about this under "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal".

Bless your nurse for opening the door for you to grieve and slowly heal. She has been your gift this season.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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In memory of our precious Taylor.

After a year and a half of trying to fall pregnant (and already having two beautiful girls, aged 6 and 2) , my husband and I went to see a gyn.

As I had my period for most of the month, the gyn. did a few tests. The result was that due to a health problem, I was not ovulating so I was placed on serophene. After the first dose I fell pregnant.

I know that Taylor was a boy, not that the ultrasounds could see anything, but I just knew that he was a he. We were so excited but that soon turned to fear.

At five weeks I was in that much pain I was placed in hospital overnight (Wednesday 10/99) and after a endovaginal ultrasound was told my baby had no heartbeat and that I would have to have a D.& C. on Friday.

I went to my normal gyn. for a second opinion. I was told that the heart doesn't normally start beating until six weeks.

So at six weeks, I went in for another endosvaginal ultrasound and the babies heartbeat was fine.

But they picked up a large haemorrhage near the sac. I was told to go home and wait for a miscarraige. But my gyn. told me told me it will all be fine and to go home and get a lot of bed rest. But with two active children that was impossible.

I had a lot of pain through out but thought nothing of it as I was in pain a lot with my periods. The next four weeks went past without any problems and as I hadn't lost any blood or fetus I thought everything was fine. At nine and half weeks I was able to have days of rest.

On Tuesday 16.11.99 my world began to tumble, I had done a bit of exercise that day and was feeling quite off and when my husband came home he needed help bringing a photocopier inside. Half an hour later I was bleeding.

We set off to the hospital where my gyn. works and was told everything was still in place and no sign of a miscarriage, but to go for another ultrasound the next day.

The next morning, my husband and I, numb and unsure of what was to come made our way to the medical centre. I still was quite sure that I was not going to loose this baby and it was just another scare.

They would not let my husband in at all, which made this whole experience even worse.

The first sign came when even at ten weeks they had to do a endovaginal scan (I have a retroverted uterus) as they could see the baby. The heartbeat was not picked up. They still would not let my husband in and at this point I was a mess.

She then went on to tell me that Taylor had been dead for two and a half weeks. I went through what they call 'a missed abortion'. I hated it put that way as it wasn't suppose to be aborted, the pregnancy was to progress.

They then put my in a room they call a blue room. I waited forever for them to let my husband in. I then went to the hospital where they performed the D.& C. and they offered no support and said I left the hospital in a fine state.

I was falling apart and I wanted to hurt myself as I felt I had killed my baby.

They think that the heamorrhage burst and blocked all blood supply to the baby. I was brought home and my local doctor couldn't believe they had sent me home in the state I was in without any information on where to go for help and with low blood pressure.

Two of my friends and I were pregnant at the same time, now I am the only one left out, they feel quite unsure whether to speak to me about it or not. It hurts that I lost my precious child but I am still very happy for them.

I have found that until you lose of a child whether it be stillborn, miscarriage etc, you never know how you will react until it happens to you.

If another person tells me to get over it, or it wasn't a baby yet anyway or at least you have two children (I want a big family I don't want a health problem to take that away from me, I love Ashleigh and Victoria, it is just that I want them to have more siblings)I think I will break, it is the hardest think I have had to face.

It has been just about 2 months now and I have been told I am able to try again next month. I can't wait, but unfortunately health wise this might have to be my last pregnancy.

I am scared, excited and a whole of other emotions that I can't explain but I hope I can have my dreams fulfilled. I pray that God gives me the strength to go on and fulfill His wishes.

I know Taylor is where he is meant to be and that will see him again. We will love you forever, Taylor - we have planted a tree for you.

Entry #2:

I would like to thank you as this www. site has helped me.

I don't think I will ever get over loosing a child the way I did. I am having difficulty trying to get through the fact that the baby was dead two and a half weeks before they picked up that he had died. ,/P>

Could anyone tell me if it is common for what the doctors called a "missed abortion", where the baby and sac still remain after the death? Once again thank you for a site that helps people through such a devastating experience.

Entry #3:

There is a support group in Brisbane called Sands, but I find it hard to get to their meetings. Especially at first when I didn't even want to leave the house.

Lately I feel like trying to start a group as I feel if I feel like that so would a few others. Also I feel as if my friends are getting bored with how I feel and I keep apologizing for it. When I was pregnant, two of my friends were too, so we were all excited, we were going to go through this pregnancy together.

I was the only one to loose my baby through miscarriage and feel so lonely - left out. I am not sure if it is alright to feel that way but I do. I am very happy for them, don't get me wrong. Now one of them might loose their baby through a low lying placenta and I am trying to support her.

Through 'Sands' newsletter, they have a section on Web sites and in one newsletter 'Shareatlanta' was mentioned. I have found it very supporting and keep coming back to it.

As for me, I am medically able to try again next month. I am actually thinking of doing a webpage with my diary that will start with my thought on trying and hopefully fall pregnant first try (on serophine). No matter what though, I will always come back to Shareatlanta and visit Taylor.

Taylor Foster
Brisbane, Qld Australia

Marcia's thoughts: You went through much turmoil during your pregnancy with this special baby. You are right, others usually don't understand what we go through as we experience this (more on this under Friends, Family, and Co-Workers). Their words of concern may mean well and often feel right, but many times their comments don't make sense. As we do inservices and share more about grieving more people will understand.

We can't replace the child we lost...each child is different and unique. Taylor is one of your three children and each one will influence your life differently. I often say that I have had five children (three are in heaven) and each one has helped to make me who I am today.

To help you better understand what happened to you, please visit Links/Medical, Miscarriages. There you will find sites that address many questions related to miscarriages. In being part of SHARE Atlanta for 15 years, I have seen many mothers experience very similar losses to yours.

It is not uncommon, it seems, for a pregnancy to not be miscarried right after the baby dies. It takes time for the hormones to begin to change in order for a miscarriage to occur. Sometimes mother's have written or said that this time gave them time to grieve what was to happen. Under Miscarriage/Emotions, "Please Don't Take Her" by Teresa speaks somewhat to this.

It is hard when we want to protect our baby (our children) and do all we can and it seems we fail. I believe that we DO do the best we can during a time that is very traumatic.

Maybe after you have healed you could begin to help the medical staff at the hospitals you were in know better ways of handling you. We have found that with repeated inservice and awareness, the local hospitals are doing so much better!

Husbands and wives need to be together and aware of as much as they can be during this makes understanding and healing a little easier. SHARE Atlanta is composed of healed bereaved parents and that is another one of our "missions". In doing this education we help the future bereaved parent, some...

Thoughts #2...

Thank you for returning my question with an answer! Now, I understand where all the emails are coming from! What a wonderful, supportive circle we can all become! Reaching out to each other is very important because...

Feeling "Lonely and left out" is part of grieving after a loss. Isolation is a common secondary loss as we try to figure out what has happened to us and how to heal. That is one reason websites such as this and groups are important for the grieving person. They help us know that we are not alone and that what we are experiencing is normal for a grieving person.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My unborn baby

I am 19 years old and have been with my boyfriend Paul for a year and 4 months. On September the 16th I found out that I was pregnant at my local clinic, I told my boyfriend and he went mad telling me I should have an abortion, I was heartbroken. I loved him but in the few hours I had known their was a baby growing inside me I had fallen love with my baby too.

The next day I went to my doctors expecting to be told I was a couple of weeks along but she said she thought it was more like 12.

On reflection I now know that when I miscarried my baby was 12 weeks and 6 days old. She decided to send me for an ultrasound scan as I had been on the contraceptive pill and strong miagraine tablets, so as they could check for abnormalities. I went on the 20th of September but they were fully booked and told me to come back on the 23rd.

On the 21st, a day I will never forget, I woke up with cramping and rushed to the toilet, I was spotting slightly so I called a friend and we went off to the hospital. After an agonising wait I was seen by a doctor who said that everything SHOULD be ok, but they were very busy and I would have to wait until my already booked scan.

I went home and continued to spot before bleeding heavily. I didn't go back to the hospital knowing that either everything was ok or it would be too late, there were to be no in betweens.

On the 23rd I went to the hospital with my boyfriend, as soon as they began to do the scan I knew that there was nothing there, but I prayed for a miracle. Unfortunately it didn't come, my baby had gone, if only they had seen me on the 20th at least I would've had a picture of my Zhan.

My boyfriend took me to the pub for lunch, dropped me home and called later that evening listening to me sobbing. My baby has never been mentioned soon. He and all my friends felt I should have an abortion so I can't tell them how I feel and my doctor said, "Good, you are too young" so I felt unable to ask her for help.

I cry for my baby every night and day. I lost my job because a colleague was 2 weeks behind me in her pregnancy and I couldn't bear listening to her tales so I was off sick constantly or cried in the toilets, they sacked me but no one knows this is why.

I should become a 'proper' mummy on the 31st of March but now I am a mummy to a dead baby, no one recognises my mummy status or the fact that I am grieving and always will be. Please, can anyone help me, I start a new job tomorrow in a nursery full of 2 and 3 year olds, how will I cope, sometimes I just want to die and be with my baby.

Zhan Archer-Read

Marcia's thoughts: Please email some of the other moms on these pages...many of the single moms have similar frustrations with their boyfriends and doctors. Their are some very thoughtful notes on this page. Reaching out to each other is one way to begin to heal. Also, visit our chat room.

If you haven't please take time to revisit the site and read more of the articles on site such as "Allowing Grief to Happen to Heal" and Coping Ideas. You may find under "Friends, Family, and Co-Workers" some comfort. Many of the feelings and reactions that you are experiencing are normal, and others do not understand what you are moving through...but we do. You can survive this loss and learning more about grief might help you.

Going to work with small children is very hard for our moms. Many can choose not to do this, but if you must please know that your difficult feelings are normal. I am a teacher and had to return to my class after my first loss. It was hard. I had to pull back some and regroup. My class of children became special to me though...they helped fill a gap. I was glad that they were not newborns or under one year of age, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"Our World Came Crashing Down"

A couple of months after the birth of our first child, a healthy baby boy named Blake, on July 1, 1999, we found out we were expecting our second child.

The baby was due June 24, 2000. We were so excited, the kids were going to be right at a year apart in age. But everything changed on December 10, 1999 when I went to the doctor for what I thought was another kidney infection.

The midwife came in to the room and tried to listen for the heartbeat with the doppler. I was so excited to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. Only, she couldn't find it.

She made it seem like nothing was wrong and examined me saying it was probably just the way the baby was laying. She said she felt what seemed to be a normal 12 week pregnancy and then sent me to another office location to have a sonogram.

I thought nothing of it and waited to be worked in at the other office. As she started the sonogram I couldn't wait to see my baby for the first time. She couldn't seem to find it and stated that it may be too early and wanted to do it vaginally.

She then called in a midwife to sit in with her. I felt a sigh of relief as I saw my baby on the screen for the first time. Then I heard the words "my concern is there is no heartbeat". It was said so planly and I thought I was having a nightmare.

My world crashed in around me at that time and I didn't know what to do. I started to cry like I have never cried before. I felt this pain in my chest and I felt so empty.

They scheduled my D&C for the next morning and after it was all over, I felt even more empty than I had the day before.

I am grateful to have my little boy, but this was a child I never got to know. Being pregnant one minute and not the next left me feeling like a part of me had been taken.

Its a month later and my thoughts are still not organized, so I apologize for this story. Everyone thinks that once the physical pain is gone that you are all better and you should just focus on the future.

Well, I can't just move on with my life like nothing has happened. A very important part of my life was taken from me, my child was taken and my little angel can never be replaced. I find myself feeling guilty for laughing with my husband and little boy.

I tried to explain my empty feeling to my husband. He asked me if I had ever had my heart broken before this and I told him "no, he was my one true love and he had never left me". He told me this is what it feels like to have your heart broken. I never knew that my heart would actually ache. This will be a pain I will carry with me forever!!

To my angel that was taken from me - - I Love You and I will never forgot you or the joy you brought to my life for such a short time.

Angel Stokes
Alpharetta, GA

Marcia's thoughts: Your husband is very dear and wise when he says your heart is is. The pain we feel is VERY REAL. I only wish more parents could say it and more folks could understand this. We talk about this all of the time in our group and on the site. Our inservices focus on how real this is for parents. Part of healing for many parents is getting to a place that they can understand that their pain is real and that grieving is part of healing this pain.

Please consider reading, "Allowing Grief to Happen to Heal". I talk about grief and how we move through this time. Please consider emailing some of the folks on the site. I will include your email on our GA SHARE member list.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Do you think that I am being silly feeling this way? Will I ever get over it?

I had a misscarriage December 1999. I was only 8 weeks, but it really hurt me to lose that baby.,/p>

We had been trying for about 6 months. What made the whole thing worse was my husband was away.

As each day pass it become a little easy to cope. Eo you think that I am being silly feeling this way? Will I very get over it?

Brisbane, QLD Australia

Marcia's thoughts: Your feelings and thoughts are very normal for a grieving mother.

Please take time to read some of what is written on this page about Miscarriages. I have several entries under Sharing Stories...Our Experience/ Miscarriage and Diaries about Healing After a Miscarriage. Also consider reading "Allowing Grief to Happen to Heal" and "The First 24 Hours and Later". All of these address what is normal after a loss and that these feelings are real and valid. You will survive this loss as you allow yourself to grieve and to know that you are not alone in how you feel or in your confusion around your loss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My little Lauren Lee

My name is Shelly, and I had been married 6 years, We had two beautiful children 3 & 4 years old. My husband had recently given his heart and life to the Lord, and I was wanting another baby.

I found out on June 06,1999 I was pregnant, I couldn't beleive the test, so I went out and bought another test just to confirm...I was so excited I made a cake with BABY 2000 on it for my family...

They were all shocked, as I made different appointments and such, I came to find out through the health department that I was 5 months (my cycles were not normal) WOW 5 months.. I didn't have much time to prepare...

I went to the doctor, and he did the ultrasound, I was scared He said he saw no baby. I was not pregnant. I told him that I knew I was pregnant, and to keep looking..

He said come back in a week, you might just be very early, so we went from being 5 months to very early or perhaps not at all. They did blood work, and my levels were progressing nicely, one week later the ultrasound showed the egg sac. I was happy then, but the doctor still was not...

Another week later more blood work, and more ultrasounds. I just knew my baby was going to die, although I kept praying it would not...

Finally on July 16th he said I thik you have a blighted ovum, and you're just not going to have a baby now. I should give you the number of several women who have had multiple miscarriages.

Well I was not thrilled with him. I kept praying and crying God please don't take our baby...

But on July 28, the bleeding started, and I thought I was dying. I wasn't in alot of pain. But my soul as being ripped from the very depths of my soul. How could this happen??? My husband was upset but not like me, I was devastated.

I didn't even want to think of anything but my baby girl, because I just knew she was a girl. I felt like I could never go on. My kids would pray evrynight Jesus please don't take our baby sister away. Please help her to feel better. Each and everytime it broke my heart in a million peices. It still does to this day.

I see people all around me with new babies, and I think man I should have a new baby, but I know and have recently come to grips with the fact the Lord takes the righteous out first... I'll see my blesses little Lauren Lee again one day (soon). But until then I just have to keep praying that my soul can continue to heal from such a desperate loss.

I thank you for your site, Please feel free to comment and or write me back...

Lauren Lee Brockway
E-mail "Even now 8 months later miss my Lauren Lee." by Shelly (3/20/00)

Marcia's thoughts: Please consider emailing some of the other parents on this page...all of them are seeking support around their loss. If you haven't read some of the entries under Sharing Stories "Healing after a Miscarriage" and some of the articles under "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal". We slowly learn to cope as we move through our grief. Grieving is not easy and sometimes we feel as though it will last will not. The months around the sixth to eighth month after a loss can be the hardest as we totally realize all that has happened to us (Sharing Stories, "The First Year"). Please know you are not alone on this journey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I don't really know how to put this in words but I am going to do the best that I can. <./P>

I remember the first time it happened the brownish discharge. I told people and they said I had that happen and it went away. So I of course let it go.

I wait about 2 weeks before calling the doctor. (My mother-in-law says I knew in my heart there was something not right at this point.) I was told to keep an eye on it and if it becomes red to call. I waited about a week or so it became more and more.

I called the doctor back on a Monday 04-24-00 and told them that it had increased in discharge. They called me back and told me, my doctor wanted to see me on Thursday.

I went in on Thurs. and had an ultrasound done. The nurse doing the ultrasound was explaining everything and then she got quiet.

The tears start to flow slowly, in my heart I knew then that there was something not right. She then stopped the ultrasound and told my husband and me that she believed that I was having a miscarriage. She had to talk to the doctor and he would be in to talk to us shortly.

My husband had to leave the room before the doctor came. He had started to cry. The doctor took me to another room and told me that I indeed was having a miscarriage. I had two options: let it pass on it's own or have a mini d&c done.

At that time I believed I was strong enough to let it pass on it's own. I went home I guess in disbelief.

That night it happened. I started to cramp and reality kick in. I was definitely losing this baby. I called the doctor on Friday and told them that I wanted the D&C done.

I did get the D&C done on the following Monday, and I guess it is kind of a relief. I can try again in a few months.

So this is why I am writing this to you. I am not going to give up hope and I will always love my unborn child, Jess. I hope the best for the rest of you and I hope that my story was not too long. They just say that it is best to talk about it. Thanks for reading my story.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Losing Nathan

Reading about all the women who have lost children to miscarriage brings back everything that my husband and I went through just two short months ago.

My pregnancy started off to be rather uneventful. My first OB appointment determined that I was between 10 and 13 weeks pregnant. I heard the heartbeat on the doppler at my very first appointment. I cried with joy.

Ever since I was young I have always wanted to be someone's mommy; now here was my dream--in living color! My doctor told me that I was going to have a very "low-risk" pregnancy and that both the baby and I were in perfect health. I told everyone about my baby right away.

About a week after finding out that I was pregnant I began to spot. Alarmed, I immediately called my doctor, who told me to go straight to the hospital emergency room. I cried the whole way up there. My husband remained positive that this was nothing and kept telling me everything was fine.

When the doctor listend for my child's heartbeat, he heard nothing. He ordered an ultrasound and RIGHT AWAY the technician found the image of my sweet baby, lounging around in his comfy home, healthy as could be.

A wave of relief flooded me and my husband. I was put on light duty at work and instructed to stay off my feet whenever possible--that the bleeding should stop with rest.

Well, it did, for a week-nothing. Then the bleeding started again. I went back to my OB, who put me on bedrest and for two weeks I prayed that my child would survive and all would be well.

I went to the best peri-natologist in the area to have another ultrasound. They were looking for a hemmorhage or tear near or in the placenta. They found nothing but a healthy baby boy. I was never more proud as when I saw my baby BOY!

That night my world collapsed. I was watching television when my water broke. I called my mother-in-law who came to my home and told me that it wasn't my bag of waters and that I should lie down and see my doctor in the morning. I did as she said, which now I regret.

The only reason I even listened to her was because she made me feel so stupid for thinking it was my water. I should have trusted myself.

The next day my OB found a strong heartbeat and sent me home for more bedrest. I was sure everything was great.

When I got home that afternoon, I laid down for a nap. When I awoke, I was having serious cramps. I went to the restroom and when I wiped, I felt something coming out of me. I called for my husband. He laid me down and looked down there. I'll never forget the look on his face or the words he spoke. A look of the most pure for of grief and then he said, "Oh, God, I think it's our baby." I began to cry hysterically as he called an ambulance.

When the ambulance took my husband and I away, I went from hysterrics to a cold, numb shell. I could feel my baby boy leaving my body with every contraction. I said nothing, all I could do was try desperately to hold him in.

Finally, we reached the emergency room. I was crying and pleading with the nurses to let me have a bedpan--I needed to go worse than I can ever remember having to before. I'll never forget the feeling of having my son come out of me. He was lifeless. I felt as if every last feeling that was human in me came out with him. I screamed and cried while my husband held me. I feel that way even now while I write.

The doctors would not let me hold my son, but while I was being poked and prodded, they wrapped his eight inch, eleven ounce body in a blanket and let my husband hold and kiss him. What I wouldn't have given for that opportunity.

I miss my Nathan Dean so much. I'll never love another creature as much as long as I live.

Nathan Dean Eckert

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Jared Ashman

When I discovered I was pregnant my husband and I were in a shock period. It was our first baby for the both of us. He was going to the doctor's visits with me and everything was starting to go great. We were getting excited to the idea of the baby being around.

Then one night I woke up at 3:10 a.m., and I was bleeding. I had cramping too. The weird thing was we both woke up at the same time as if we knew. He got very worried and I went to the doctor's. They did a vaginal ultrasound and said everything was fine. I had to wait several days to check my HCG to make sure it was not dropping.

I decided to switch doctor's and go to someone who could let me know what was happening to my body and my baby. I was scheduled to go in for a ultrasound to hear the baby's heartbeat with my new doctor. When we went there the nurse told me that I was having a pap smear not an ultrasound. I looked at my husband and was very confused. She said she would get the doctor.

The doctor came in and said you have had a miscarrage. I must of sat there for about 10 minutes in total shock. I started crying in the office. My husband didn't know what to say to me. I couldn't believe this happened. I am the first one in my family to have a miscarrage.

I decided to do something to my house in memory of the baby. I put a little boy statue in the garden. He has a dog on his leg and he is looking up at the sky like he is looking at my baby up there. I am dealing with the situation very well and am waiting to hear if I am preganant again soon.

Jared Ashman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My Twins...

Well, this is a new thing to me. This just happened last week 10-13-00. I was 9 weeks pregnant and I started bleeding so I called the doctors. They did a ultrasound and I found out that I was pregnant with twins and that I was miscarring them both.

I was shocked because I had joked about having twins. Then I found out that I was having twins. I still am in shock about all this.

I haven't had a d&c yet but I have to get blood taken for several weeks to make sure the hcg level has dropped and that all the pregnancy tissue is out. I passed out both underdeveloped babies at home one on Wednesday and one on Friday. I had to take one into the doctors to be tested.

I feel like people think I have no reason to feel sad because I have 3 healthy beautiful children now and I am so greatful for them. I love my kids with all my heart and soul and we wanted more. This is so sad to me and I worry that I will not be able to get pregnant again.

To make a long story short i had my last baby, and we decided we wanted to be done. So, my hubby got a vasectomy and then in December 2000 he (we both) decided he wanted to reverse it. (We did not know how bad it would be.)

Anyway, it took 8 months to get pregnant. I am worried that we will have more problems if we have more. I am so upset about this but like i said still in shock.

Can anyone give me advice on vasectomy reversals and miscarriage also. I really want to have more babies.

Now, I feel like I am so empty even though I know I shouldn't be because I have 3 children - I love so much.

Please give me some advice. I feel all alone. In the fact I don't let anyone know how I am feeling inside. I cover it up by saying I guess it wasn't meant to be. In my heart I hope that it is not true that I am not ment to have more babies :(


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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