SHARE Atlanta Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Grief Support

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"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts - Along this Path

Miscarriage - Entries - '97-'99

"Remembering with Names" by Sandra (8/97)

"Memories from 1982" by Erica (3/98)

"This is our experience of how Jamie was born..." by Wendy (3/98)

"Our Little Angel" by Denise (7/98)


"Shelbie Jo" by Angie 9/29/98

"Crying for My Baby" by Mom 10/7/98

"J.C." by Jaid (10/11/98)

"In 1995 I lost my first baby to an ectopic pregnancy. I also lost one of my tubes. It was hard to accept..." by Lisa (10/28/98)

"I am in so much pain and have been through so much. Just so get pregnant I had to undergo a myomectomy @ 26 years old..." by Marche (11/2/98)

"Christian in 1998" by Becky (11/30/98)

"Repeated losses...ten years apart...please help...(12/98)

"That puts us back where we were, so some folks might say nothing was lost...except parts of our souls. We had changed our future; it contained toys, and noise, and children's laughter. Now it's quiet again, and it feels very lonely..." by Laura (12/10/98)

"Nathaniel Riley...tiny and perfect"... by Tim and Elaine (12/13/98)

"Briefly", It started in September of 1996... by Stevie (12/22/98)

"The Beating Heart?" by Kim (12/26/98)and "Thank you and Good News!" (11/8/99)

"Finding a way to say Goodbye" by Terra (1/13/99)

"Jesse" by Mary (2/17/99)

"Myranda- Lost Forever (2 1/2 years later...)" by Kristin (4/13/99)

"...have been in so much pain physcally and mentally because of this." by Lindsay (4/27/99)

"Trying to Find Meaning in Our Loss" by Melanie (4/30/99)

"Gage Alexander" by Heather (5/12/99)

"A long awaited child..." by Devon (6/11/99)

"Some how this is easier than my Savanna... and it's also alot harder..." by Christine (6/11/99)

"...feel I have no one who understands how I am feeling. If someone would please e-mail me back with some words of hope." by Denise

"Our First Pregnancy" by Vicki (8/24/99)

"We are in our thirties and this was our first pregnancy." by Stacie (9/29/99)

"I need support..." by Mycheala (11/17/99)

"I need to speak with other people who have been through what I have been..." by Lisa (11/15/99)

"Words of Wisedom, Please..." by Kare (12/1/99)

"When my husband and I found out that we were expecting our second child, we were ecstatic." by Maria (12/13/99)

Our first letter is from our page on "Coping Mechanisms and Ways to Heal"

It is here to help parents understand that time helps us heal and that "remembering" our baby(s) and making memories of them often helps us to heal.

Sandra's three little ones' names are on SHARE Atlanta's Memorial Page. Other parents have bought special mementos that remind them of the precious life that was part of their family. Visit our page on "Coping Ideas" for more information

A Letter of Love

As I look at the two children I have who came to me very healthy and happy, I often remember the three babies I have lost. It wears me down to think of all I lost in such a short time.

It's been two years since my first two miscarriages and only five months since the last. I never found out until recently the sex of the babies. Since, then I have named all three. It has given me a great relief to have finally named my babies. They are thought about often.

Sandra S.
Sabrina, Frank, Jamie - Miscarriage
Bloomfield, NJ

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Memories from 1982...

I was only four months along, my sister-in-law had a fire and lost everything. I was so upset. I tried to help them; the best I could. I guess I was too upset. We were heading to Halifax the next day, and I went into labour. We stopped in Antigonish, and that's were I lost my little angel.

Erica Natalie
Erica Natalie
Aug. 1982
Antigonish, NS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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This is our experience of how Jamie was born and is now in Jesus' arms.

On February 25,1998 my husband and I received the news that Yes, we are pregnant with our first child.

We have been married for four years and we have a wonderful and happy marriage. We felt that we were ready to start a family. Since my periods are always regular it didn't take long for us to conceive.

It was a wonderful feeling to have a new life growing inside of me. I noticed several weeks prior to the confirmation of my pregnancy that there were many changes occuring in my body that were so fascinating to me especially since I was already 7 weeks pregnant at that time.

I had no intention of keeping my pregnancy a secret for three months. How could I? Everything was going fine until on the 9th of March I noticed some spotting. My husband phoned my doctor right away and I was then rushed to the emergency hospital. It was a terrible, gut wrenching experience. I still think it is all a dream. Oh how I wish it was.

I knew it wasn't good news when I saw the site of red. When I went into the waiting room, the nurse wanted a specimen test from me. As I urinated in the plastic cup, the urine was full of blood. I cried. I couldn't believe my eyes. The doctor checked me over and I went for a urine test again and that is when the miscarriage took place. A huge clump came out of me. The doctor examined it and he confirmed that yes I had miscarried.

My husband and I cried so much that day and many days after. I felt such a loss and a gnawing away in my insides. I wanted to be a mommy so bad. Oh how my husband and I had great dreams and plans for our baby! and suddenly our dreams and aspirations were taken away from us.

For several days I still continued to have more cramping and more spotting. I wondered why. I was scheduled for an ultrasound but nothing was found in my uterus. There was a little bit of tissue left inside but I did not want a D&C done. The doctors said that if nothing passed within a week to phone in for a D&C to be scheduled.

On the 19th of March, I was having enormous cramping still. I went to the bathroom and I couldn't believe what I saw. A little clump came out of me. I picked it up and it was the fetus at nine weeks. It looked like a little baby. It was my baby. My Jamie! I held it in my hand and couldn't believe what I saw.

What passed out of me the first time must have been the placenta. I was so shocked to see my baby. It brought all the pain back again. Oh how I wanted my baby to hold and to keep.

I know that we will get pregnant again. It is hard to go through especially being my first pregnancy. But I know that God is in control and His ways are best. Even though I don't understand why things happen the way they do. I am trusting in Him every day that my husband and I will be parents again soon. This is our experience of how Jamie was born and is now in Jesus' arms.

Jamie Delaurier
March 19/98
Sussex, NB Canada

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Our little Angel was take from us July, 20.98 through miscarriage. I was 9 weeks 3 days. My husband and I thought about having more children. So we had a tubal reversal done in Dec, 97. Well on June 21, 98 we found out that I was pregnant. We were so excited.

I called to make my ultrasound appt. and then I went for it. They saw nothing in the uterus. So I was told on July 2nd that it was a tubal. I called my OB, and he sent me to the hospital again to have another ultrasound done. They found a heartbeat in the uterus. I was told we both would be fine.

Well on July 13, 98 I started to spot a little. They thought that everything would be fine. On Friday the 17th I had to have my HCG level checked and then again on Sunday. My counts had fallen really low. And on Monday July 20th I was told that the baby had died.

I went to have surgery done at 10pm. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. How do you say good-bye to someone that you have already fallen in love with.

I bought a plant on Wednesday July 22, 98, and that has really helped me to deal with this. That is my Angel. Our baby will be with us forever in our hearts and our minds. May our little one rest now. And one day we'll all be together again.

Denice & Chris ~ and missed by sister Jessica and brother David

Denice & Chris
Zachery Christopher or Pamela Joy
July 20,1998
Bowmanville, Ont.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I lost Kristen while I was pregnant for her. I believe that she was a girl even though I did not see her face. After I lost her, I have also lost my spouse. Both loses are a tremendous burden, and I now feel completely alone. I have no one to talk to.

No one understands, and they all feel that I have gotten over it. I have let them feel this way so that they will not worry. They expect me to get over her, and it hasn't been easy.

I was so looking forward to having this baby. I don't think I was ever that happy. When the doctors told me that she had died in my womb, I did not believe them. They sent me for a second ultra sound and from the look on their faces, I could tell it was true. I don't know what to do from here. Everytime I see a small baby, I think of what I almost had. What was robbed of me.

And how jealous I am of the people who got to keep their child. I know it will get better, and by now it should already be.

I think that if I had someone to share my experience with, the pain would go away and I could look back at this experience and smile at the tiny glimpse of what it was like to have that experience with my child and be thankful that I had her for a short time. I don't mean that I think my life is over, I just feel a loss that I cannot put behind me. Today is better than yesterday and the day before. Tomorrow, God willing, will be better than today.

Thanks for listening.


Kristen Diana Roses Allen
May 98
NB, Canada

Marcia's Comments: Kim has had two very tramautic losses-very close together. As is recognized in the page "The First Year/Month to Month" the middle of the first year can be very difficult for exactly the reason Kim gives...she tried to be okay, now all think she is, and she isn't. Her feelings sound normal and being gentle with herself as she grieves is so very necessary right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Shelbie Jo

On July 23, 1997, I lost my baby. I was 8 weeks along and I had known from, what seemed, the first moment that I was pregnant. I don't know how I knew, I just did. I confirmed, however, with a pregnancy test (so I could prove it to my boyfriend) on July 20. I remember that we fought the whole morning at church. I couldn't figure out exactly how to tell him. He had made it clear that he never wanted to have kids. I loved him, so even though I had my heart set on having children, I put my dreams aside for him.

We went to his grandparent's house to be alone and so I could talk to him. I fell in his arms crying and he knew instantly what was going on. He asked if I was pregnant and I just nodded yes. He held me for a long time and told me that he loved me and everything would be fine. I took this to mean that, he accepted our baby. We didn't talk for the rest of the day because his family was around.

That night, he called me and when I tried to talk about our child, he cut me off. All he said was "Let's just pray you have a miscarriage." He tore my world apart in that short moment.

Then, that Wednsday, I came home from work and I was spotting. I called my boss, who was pregnant,too. She told me that I would be alright and to lay down for a while.

I did and I called my boyfriend who wanted me to come pick him up so he could be with me. I went to his house and he tried to talk me into taking some kind of pill, I didn't take it.

But at 6:30 pm, I passed this bloody clump. All I could do was hold it in my hands and cry. I knew that it was my baby and that it was gone from me. I thought I would go crazy. All I ever dreamed of and wanted in my life was in dead in my hand.

My boyfriend just stared at it and looked at me in disbelief when I put it in a baggie to take to my doctor. Well, I called my doctor and he told me he couldn't see me until next week! I told him that I had just had a miscarriage and he told me that it was probably in my imagination!

After, it was all over, my boyfriend told me that if I ever got pregnant again that he would make me have an abortion or he would leave me. He didn't want to talk about her or anything. I know that it was too early to tell if it was a boy or girl, but I have no doubt that it was a girl. I named her Shelbie Jo.

She is still with me today and I love her more than I could ever love anyone. I just feel so alone. Nobody understands.

My boyfriend and I broke up after 2 years in June because he said I could not put "that thing" behind me. I could never do that or call her a thing. She is so real to me and I can't believe anyone could be that cold when it comes to their own child.

I'm a mommy, but I have nothing. I don't understand why. Why was she taken? I was only 19 and I know that is young, but so many younger than me have their babies. What did I do so wrong to cause mine to die? I did everything right. Am I just being stupid?

It did happen a little over a year ago, but it happened to me! And it was my baby and I lost her! It didn't happen to Ben, it happened to me! I was the one who knew how she felt growing inside of me. I was the one who had morning sickness and all the wonderful feelings of having this wonderful new life in me! Thank you for letting me get this out.

For more of Angie's thoughts..."Shelbie Jo" by Angie (10/3/98)

Entry #2: (with Marcia's thoughts put in...)

Marcia...Thank you for helping me. I didn't think anyone actually cared that I lost her. I know that my parents care and love me, they have been wonderful. They lost 2 sets of twins before I was born. But my Mom doesn't talk much about it and it is something nobody brings up here.M: >>>I am glad that your parents have been supportive. When your mother lost her babies woman were not encouraged to grieve. On the site under Sharing Stories,"Memories Five Years or More Later..." Moms talk about this. Also under "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal" several letters are from parents who are just now grieving 20 and 30 years later. Under "Making Your Child's Presence Meaningful" there are letters from moms who have done special things for a "long ago" baby. This is hard to do... I'm sure your mom has much locked up. It is wise for you to take time to grieve now. I am sure that your mom grieves for you with your loss...

Yesterday, she would have been 7 months old. I spent almost all day crying and asking God why. I understand that there could have been something wrong with her, but I just wish I could've made the decision. I know I could of taken care of her. What if I can never have a baby? What will I do? I don't want Shelbie to think I would forget about her. I am so scared of never having the chance to love another baby as much as I love Shelbie.

M: >>>>Some decisions are not ours to make, but we can make choices when given the opportunity. We are not puppets..we have minds! All of us feel as though we could have taken care of the babies we lost.

Most of us fear, at one time or another, that we might never get another chance. But we usually do. Your mom did, I did...most all the woman I know in 13 years of being with SHARE Atlanta have. Having another baby will not make you forget can always hold her close and share as much about her in the future that we wish. As a mother loves each child...each differently but equally, you will be able to love another child. You feel your own mother's love. I'm sure she loves you deeply...

I feel as if, at times, I am going to go crazy. It was like losing her all over again when my due date rolled around. And now each month, I just keep thinking, if only she was here. I know it may sound crazy, but I see her in my dreams everynight. I see her and she looks so beautiful. Even if she does look a lot like her Daddy in my dreams, she is still beautiful.

M: >>>In my own journal I wrote of feeling as though I wa going crazy...a very normal thought in our group. You are NOT - you are grieving! Due dates, anniversaries and holidays make us thing of our special babies even more. That is why we have an entire section about them on our site! Dreaming of your child is normal...we dream of those that we love.

Well, if you would share Shelbie and my story, we would be honored.

M: >>>>I would love to share your might consider finding a group there in your town that would support you. Our National SHARE office has a list of many local groups! Their link is under SHARE Atlanta information...

Harrisburg, IL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Crying for my baby

A Small Miracle

I have always dreamed of having a family. Babies seem so perfect. I never would have imagined myself in the predicament that I found myself in, however. My baby was conceived at a party. I trusted him and he betrayed my trust, but I knew that I would still love my baby.

I decided that I would keep him. Things would work out somehow. Each day I began to love little Tyler more and more, then when I was almost three months along, something went terribly wrong. I did not feel well. I felt very dizzy and light-headed, almost as if I was in another world. I told no one of my predicament. I was working at the time and I just kept going, even though I felt that there was something very wrong.

I have wondered if I had gone to the doctor, would my baby have been okay? I did not want anyone to feel hurt that I could not tell them about little Tyler. The words just never came. It is hard not to blame myself for the loss of life, and I often cry and I can't stop.

Each day I try to start anew and I try to find something positive about.. Little Tyler affected my life and he always will.

Tyler Lee Keffer
June 29
New Philadelphia, OH

Marcia's thoughts: All mother's wish to protect their child. It is so very hard to realize that we can not and do not have control of so many things that happen to us. You did nothing to hurt your baby. Tyler knows that... Time will help to heal and forgiving is part of that...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My misfortune only happened a week ago. I found I was pregnant when I was 9 weeks. My boyfriend and I decided to keep the baby. We have been together for a while and although, not married, we could handle this. When my parents found out they weren't too thrilled but, a few days later they began to accept it. Both sides of the family knew and everyone was happy for us.

Being as I'm Catholic, it was very important for us to decided whether or not we were going to get married. He wanted to...I didn't. Everything was happening way too fast.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I was constantly sick. It was the hardest two months I ever went through. I started to get nervous when thinking about the baby growing inside me. I even had thoughts of how being pregnant was just the worst. My birthday came and at this time I was accepting my body changing and was looking forward to the holidays because I would be showing by then.

Before, I found the bleeding, I had done some activities that I wish now I never did. Actually, everything I did before the miscarriage I constantly think about and regret.

My miscarriage occurred in my home at around 11:45 a.m. I was sure that what was coming out was my baby. But, I wasn't too sure. I was so hysterical and so was my Mom. The clump that came out was big and it happened in my toilet. I was crying my eyes out and we were so scared of all the blood that we flushed the toilet.

After, that ordeal was over, I realized...I just flushed my baby down the toilet. How could I ever forgive or forget about that? This is probably one of the reasons I can't stop thinking about it.

Why did I flush the toilet? Why didn't I rest just stay home and rest on my birthday? Two hours after I felt something else wanting to come out. I pushed and this time it felt like a little clump. I still couldn't look at it and my Mom couldn't see it since it was so bloody; we flushed it again. It's so hard not thinking about it. I feel it's all my I could've done something.

It's been a week today and just yesterday did I start feeling a little better. I feel a little guilty because today I had a few laughs and sort of just had an ordinary day. My boyfriend started early too. He went out and had fun and I felt he was so inconsiderate for doing that. Although, I'm not sure if he is still grieving or what because he doesn't show it or say it. I know this unfortunate thing was god's will. I'm trying my best to understand, and I'm also trying to best to not take the blame. But, I was ready for J.C. He wasn't planned but he was extrememly loved. My baby died when he was only 12 weeks old. I think he stopped forming before that but to me he was mine up until 12 weeks. He will always be in our minds and in our hearts.

Please help me get over that moment when I flushed the toilet. It's so hard...I miss you J.C.

Mama and Daddy love you!


Some Marcia's Thoughts: ...No one is "prepared" for a sudden miscarriage. During the shock and panic of a miscarriage, a person does the best that can be managed at the time. So often events happen quickly and are very alarming. We are afraid and unsure of how much we can cope with as we move through this time. Making it from one moment to the next is about all we can handle. This is normal and human.

In leading a group for 14 years, several moms have shared about the same story. After the fact, they reflect on the image of flushing tissue and, possibly the baby, away. This, of course, is very upsetting. No one wants to think that they would purposely do this. Remember this is done in alarm and uncertainty of what is happening.

We want to move through all of the event and flushing away the tissue seems to do this. Some know that doctors ask for this tissue and will save it(this is hard to do, too). It all feels so awkward and unsettling...and it is! Most moms don't really think of the baby being delivered this way. They believe this will happen later...thus we get confused. Please know that you did nothing wrong. You, and many others, did what seemed right at the time. Most moms who have had a miscarriage, never see any of the tissue or the baby...even when they ask to. I have known one mom who actually held her twelve week baby...very rare indeed.

Today, some hospitals do save and cremate the remains and the baby and bury them somewhere - often with a moment prayer. Others do not. Parents can ask if they want to know - for many this is important.

We suggest to our moms and parents to realize how they feel about their miscarriage around this issue and gradually move to a place where they do not have to focus on this part of a miscarriage. It is part of the reality of a miscarriage. Like other losses, miscarriages can be full of fear and confusion - most people do not realize this!

For many a burial of notes or a small treasure, a planting of a tree or a special memento begins the healing process. Parents come to the place in their grief that they can let go of "what happened during the actual miscarriage" and know that to remember their child in love is very special.

One other thought, the time before a loss, for someone who has never had a loss, is usually treated fairly normally. There is no reason to change most of a given lifestyle. We remind each other in the groups that moms, long ago and some today, worked in fields, walked many miles while pregnant, did hard physical work, etc. There are some givens that we all should consider while pregnant...some do, some don't, but many babies get here anyways.

The best place to try to get to on this subject is to, once again, forgive and save any "precautions" for next time. The next time, if you make that choice one day, there can be some changes. You will know that you are doing the best you can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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In 1995 I lost my first baby to an ectopic pregnancy. I also lost one of my tubes. It was hard to accept...

..but after testing and knowing that the other tube was ok, it was easier to accept.

Then in 1997 I got pregnant again. There were no signs of trouble and I started planning everything right away. My husband has a child from a previous relationship and he was happy for us and for the fact that his child would have a brother or sister.

Then I went in for an ultrasound and my doctor told me she couldn't find the baby.Later I received the news that I had another ectopic pregnancy. I went through a series of injections to have the baby terminated so my tube could be saved and I could try again, but to my dismay, my tube ruptured. I almost died, but came through surgery ok. I lost my other tube.

My husband grieved with me and after a year, he seems to be ok, but I still cry. Counseling doesn't seem to help much. We can still have children through invitro fertilization, but the cost is outrageous. We are trying our best to save the money though.

Seeing my stepson is wonderful, but sometimes I get upset because all I want is to have a child of my own. He will never call me Mom, and I will never be his mother. I am so grateful for the fact that I am at least not childless even though I am only a stepmom. I always try to remember that. I have a good relationship with my stepson (he is 4 years old) and I only hope that it will get better.

But a day doesn't go by that I think about our loss. I just pray that one day, God will grant me the greatest gift of bringing life into this world. And that I can raise my own child.

I never give up hope that we will get the money to try. Everything always happens for a reason and my husband always tells me that maybe the reason for this is because when we do try invitro, we will have more than one child and God wants us to be settled and ready for what may come. I hope he is right.

95 and 9/97
Cleveland, OH

I am sorry about the losses of your two babies. Ectopic pregnancies cause so many mixed feelings...our baby dies and it is so early most people don't want to allow us to grieve the loss of a child. But it is. It is important to give yourself permission to grieve these to special babies in your life.

Have you named your babies or done something special for them in their memory? Please read, if you haven't, "The Significance of You and Your Baby" SHARE Atlanta's workshop. Plus you have just passed the yearly anniversary when all this happened in '97...take time.

Then, you have had the additional loss of your tubes. We have had several folks in our group to experience this. There is more grieving to be done around the loss of our fully functioning body. A very normal response to such a tragic loss.

I am glad that you have a sweet stepson and that you are working to make you all a family, and that is very important(for ALL of you)! No other child, biological or adopted or step or anything, takes the place of the children we loose.

With time and understanding, we learn to cope with this and know that we will hold them forever in our hearts. You have had a several recent losses - both a child and of your other tube...take the time to heal and then to explore other options. It really has not been that long. There is no time table for grieving. I am glad you went to a counselor. Is there a group near you? You can call National SHARE or go to Hannah's Support Group(both on my site under Support Groups) to find help.

Invitro works for many...some of our group has adopted. Options have to be considered and thought through. It is so good to know that we can have the possible other choices.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Heaven's Fallacy

I serve as a "Mother", but I am not one. (I just turned 28 years old) I am raising my husband's children (7 & 4 boys) from his first marriage.

The children call me "mom" but they have no real bond with me. Thus my problem. People seem to feel that this should be enough for me. Even though I have just lost my own baby just three months ago, people feel that I should feel blessed just to raise children. (By the way, the children's mother is pregnant again!!!!!)

I just can not shake the lonelness and sadness that follows me. I miss my baby so much. I can't go out, I can bearly watch T.V. All I see are women who are pregnant or have little infants.

I am in so much pain and have been through so much. Just so get pregnant I had to undergo a myomectomy @ 26 years old. The doctor assured me that the surgery went great and that any day I would get pregnant.

As a year and some months rolled by, he then began to get worried. My husband and I tried those ovulation tests and nothing happened. Then I finally decided maybe God's wish was for me to be a "Mother" to the two little boys that their "real mother" abandoned. Once I had given up and my husband moved to day shift; I got Pregnant. Oh, how I thought I was blessed. Oh, how I thought God had finally answered my prayers. Only to lose the baby @ 3 1/2 months.

Ever since this has happened, I have not been back to work. I am in therapy now, but it really does not help. If it was not for my religious background, I would not even be here right now. To add grief to pain. My birthday fell on the day I would have been 6 months pregnant. But still all my friends and family wanted me to be happy on my "day". I just couldn't.

I always wanted to be a mother, I even made a hope chest when I was a teenager. Those little clothes I made so many years ago, wanting for me to become educated, wanting for me to become happily married, wanting for "everything to be just right", now are just waiting. Just like me.

August 1998
Philadelphia, PA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Christian in 1998

I am the oldest of five children, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to become a mother. My husband and I dated for four years. We both love children, and we were practically planning them before our wedding. So when we married in May, we decided not to wait any longer.

We began trying for our first child in August, and sure enough, became pregnant immediately. Our first child, Laura Elizabeth, was born by cesarean, a healthy and happy 9-pound girl.

We loved her so much that we began the talk of our next child while still in the hospital. We decided to wait until Elizabeth was two years old before we began trying for our next child. We wanted to give Elizabeth plenty of attention before making her a big sister. By her second birthday in July, Elizabeth began asking if she could have a baby “sisser,” as she called it.

It took us two months to become pregnant this time. Everyone joked that I could just think about being pregnant and get that way. I teach school and we had hoped the baby would be born in the summer. It was due June 7, 1999. We felt so lucky to have hit our target due date.

However, from the very beginning, I had the oddest feeling. I wanted a second child so much, yet I wasn’t as excited as I thought I would be. We had shared our news of Elizabeth with friends and family only minutes after the home pregnancy test. This time for some reason, I was apprehensive about telling everyone. I was worried something might happen, and then, I’d have to go back and tell everyone I wasn’t pregnant anymore. Why did I feel that way?

I never gave it the first thought with Elizabeth. I decided it was silly to feel that way, and that I might somehow jinx myself and the baby by not telling, so we began spreading the news. Before long, our entire family knew, as well as, my whole school-students included.

One Tuesday, at about 7 and 1/2 weeks (since my last menstrual period), I awoke and upon going to the bathroom, I found a small brown spot about the size of a dime. It really scared me, but told myself it was probably nothing.

I called my obstetrician’s office and they confirmed that it was probably nothing. They said to call back if it continued. I didn’t have anymore spotting for two days. Then, the same thing happened…one small brown spot. I felt funny about calling again, but decided to anyway. The doctor set up an ultrasound on Thursday afternoon.

The ultrasound technician found only a small sac and decided I was only 4 and 1/2 weeks, instead of 7 and 1/2 as we had thought. The nurse called Friday to assure me everything was normal, and not to worry. I was worried though.

I had kept up with my cycle and even used ovulation predictor kits so as not the miss my fertile time. I knew I had to be further than the ultrasound showed. I read a lot, and I knew I should have seen my baby’s heartbeat on the monitor.

The next Tuesday, I had a routine prenatal appointment. By this time, my spotting had turned bright red and was heavier. My doctor was worried and decided to have a second ultrasound done. He said they should be able to see the heartbeat this time.

He called me at home later that night and told me that the sac had grown and that could be a good sign, or it could be that I had what is known as a blighted ovum. He explained that I may have already lost the baby and the other parts of the pregnancy were continuing to grow and develop as normal. I could tell by his voice that he was leaning towards the later, and in my heart, I knew I was losing this pregnancy.

Nine days later, on a Thursday night, I began mild cramping and lost a large clot. I assumed that I had experienced a miscarriage and called my doctor. He said it sounded like I had.

I called my husband home from work and we cried together as he held me.

The next day, I had my third ultrasound in two weeks, only to find out I hadn’t yet miscarried, but there was no avoiding one. My doctor was wonderful. He seemed mostly concerned about my emotional state, rather than my physical one. I really appreciated his concern. My biggest concern was “when would I be able to try again?” He assured me we could begin as soon as I felt emotionally ready.

After a lengthy discussion, he offered me the options of having a D&C or going home to have the miscarriage whenever nature decided it was finally time. He does the D&C in his office, and I didn’t feel I could be awake hearing the procedure performed so I opted for the natural miscarriage. Two days later, on Saturday afternoon, November 7, I lost what remained of my pregnancy.

My husband called my principal and explained the situation to him. I took the next week off. Even though physically I felt okay, I couldn’t face talking about the loss of my baby, especially to my students, who may need detailed explanations about what a miscarriage is.

When I finally returned, some people expressed their sympathy, but many treated it mostly as a medical condition, rather than the death of a child. The comments like “it’s probably for the best”, and “it’s nature’s way of dealing with a pregnancy that was going wrong” made me angry. It was my baby, and I loved it even before it was conceived.

My husband is a loving man, but even he doesn’t understand the emotional pain involved with a miscarriage.

I was, however, amazed by the numerous stories of other staff members from my school about their own losses. I was surprised by the number of my friends that have experienced miscarriages. They seemed to be the only ones who understood that I had indeed lost a child. I could still see the pain and even tears in some of their eyes as they told me their stories.

It’s been three weeks since my miscarriage. I have handled my loss well in front of others. However, inside I am a mess. Most of the tears I’ve cried have been in private.

Finding your site has really helped me. I was touched by the similar stories of others. I finally have begun dealing with this openly with my husband. I’ve tried to explain how I feel.

We decided to name the baby Christian Lee, for a boy or a girl. (Secretly, I felt this baby is the little “sisser” Elizabeth dreamed about.)

As we began to celebrate the holidays, we bought a little teddy bear with “Christmas 1998” embroidered on it. We also selected a gold angel ornament and had Christian 1998 engraved on it. (It is my hope that I will see my little angel someday in the hereafter.) We plan to bring these items out every Christmas.

We love our Christian and want to remember how he or she touched our lives in 1998. I hope to do something else, however small, in dedication to Christian before his or her original due date of June 7, 1999.

We didn’t tell Elizabeth about the loss of her baby sibling. She’s only two, and we knew she wouldn’t understand. She continues to talk about the baby in Mommy’s belly. She still points at items in the baby section that she wants to buy for her baby, and she still puts her outgrown clothes and toys away in a special drawer to save for her baby sister. Surprisingly enough, these comments do not hurt as much as you would think. Her sweet innocence only serves to brighten my day as we hope to fulfill her dream of a baby.

We are planning to start trying in the next week and are optimistic that by Christmas in 1999, Elizabeth will have her baby sibling.

God Bless You,
November 29, 1998

For a "letter to Christian Lee"..."To Christian Lee, Our Little Angel"(12/12/98); "I just received good news this week." (Future Pregnancy Issues... 1/30/99); and Lindsey Arrives 9/17/99!

"Christian in 1998" by Becky (11/30/98) and updates 2/15/02

Christian Lee
Hopkinsville, KY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Date: Wed, 9 Dec 1998 19:09:50 -0800

Dear Marcia,

After a miscarriage followed by a normal pregnancy 10 years ago, I have recently experienced two miscarriages and desperately need some support from others who have been through the same thing. I have noone to talk to that can understand the pain and hopelessness that you go through. Please help!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"You Can Get Pregnant..."

I see on these pages where these words are familiar to other couples who've lost a baby before it could be born.

They are particularly poignant to my husband and me, because the pregnancy itself was something of a miracle; we'd undergone fertility testing and been told, by physicians, that both of us were less than fertile. That it was POSSIBLE, but not likely, that we'd ever get pregnant without infertility treatment. We chose not to undergo that treatment, knowing its lack of success and the cost and loss of intimacy it can bring. So we told ourselves we'd be childless, take trips, have a life with just the two of us...and mentally turned ourselves to that course.

Then two months ago I felt very tired one day, and knowing my period was a few days late I stopped and got a home pregnancy test just to rule that out. It couldn't be true, couldn't happen to us--doctors had said so!--but it WAS true, I WAS pregnant, and the change for both of us was immediate and very real.

We're both 40, mind you; set in our ways, so the realization of how our lives would change as parents was there, and don't think I don't feel immense guilt about the times I resented that I'd outgrow my business clothes, that so much of how we lived would change.

Then I'd think about holding our baby...about watching her grow up (we're both certain it would have been a girl, though she died at 7 weeks so it's impossible to know)...and the two of us began looking at cribs, planning her room, we even bought a few baby things.

Just 4 days ago, on a Sunday night, I began bleeding. No pain, no cramps; the doctor said not to worry, but to come in the next day. I had to start a new job, so I went to work for a couple hours and told them I had a doctor's appointment...they didn't know I was pregnant...and when I got to the doctor the bleeding had increased, they did an ultrasound, and found no heartbeat.

Even my doctor said those horrible words--"well, now you know you can get pregnant!" "I'm 40," I told her, "we know I'm not young, not terribly fertile, neither is my husband. Realistically, how likely is it this will happen again?" She started talking about infertility treatment and I stopped listening.

I don't honestly believe the chances are great we will conceive again. That puts us back where we were, so some folks might say nothing was lost...except parts of our souls. We had changed our future; it contained toys, and noise, and children's laughter. Now it's quiet again, and it feels very lonely.

I don't care about all the world-circling trips Fodor can take; I don't care about all the executive suits in Nordstrom's. I want my baby back.

Entry #2: We met with our priest (Episcopal) tonight, and he suggested something that may not be a new idea to you, but it was to us; to have a service, similar to a burial service but without a "committal." He's going to hold it in our church, gave us the option of inviting others or holding it just for ourselves (we opted to keep in private, just us and him). He talked about "closure," but for me it's more giving our experience acknowledgement...that it wasn't just a medical situation, but a baby we lost and grieve for.

Other folks you work with may want to see if their churches can do something similar; I'll let you know how ours works out. He prayed with us, too, and clearly took our grief and loss very seriously--he and his wife had been through a miscarriage too. He knew what we were feeling).

Atlanta, GA

Marcia's thoughts: Yes, we do encourage just the kind of experience your wonderful priest is offering you. We have had any number of various services within our group. I discuss some of them in our "Funeral, Memorials, etc."

Through the years I have been part of many loving services that recognize our special babies and "give us permission to love and to grieve" these babies in a society that denies some much around loss and death.

You have been given a gift in the priest that you are visiting with. We would be honored to know which church he is part of so that we can join hands with him. As a result of years and years of inservice and folks working to help our communities learn more about pregnancy and neo-natal loss we share more and more supportive stories like yours when we come together.

Closure is an important step in the grieving process...but we first have to allow grieving and time to heal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Nathaniel Riley

Our precious baby boy, Nathaniel Riley was stillborn on Dec. 9, 1998. He was 15weeks gestation; very tiny, but amazingly perfectly formed. Though we never had a chance to know him, we loved him dearly.

Tim & Elaine
Fresno, CA


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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It started in September of 1996.

My husband and I had only been married for two months. We were very excited about starting a family of our own. I have two children from a previous marriage, ages 12 and 11. I remember my period being late, and tried to wait as long as I could to take a pregnancy test. Finally 5 days after my period was to start, I could not wait any longer I remember taking the test, and calling my sister to verify that the test was positive.

My husband was out mowing the lawn. I was elated and could not wait until he was finished, so I went outside and showed him the test.

I called my Dr. the very next day, because I had two previous miscarriages, and was worried that if I did not get in to see my Dr. that something would happen. I scheduled my visit for Oct. 2nd. I should have been 10 weeks along.

The normal first OB visit was great, everything looked really good.

A week later my husband and I went to my in-laws for a visit and bought the baby crib. We returned on Sunday, and when I woke up Monday morning my back was very sore. I thought I had better call the Dr., due to previous problems.

I was seen right away, and my Dr. tried to find the hearbeat, and was unable to hear anything. I was scheduled for an ultrasound the next day.

The technician had me on the table for what seemed an eternity. The did the regular ultrasound, and as my husband watched the screen. There was not heartbeat. We thought that maybe I was just earlier that what we originally thought.

The technician called my Dr., and he said to do an internal probe. They said that can detect a heartbeat at 6 weeks. There was nothing.

I went home that day feeling very empty, and all I wanted to do was cry.

My Dr. had me going in for a blood count every third day to see if my Hcg level was dropping. The first test was very uplifting, everything seemed to be okay. So I thought to myself that my baby is growing, and his heart is beating, everything is going to be okay. The second test was a little lower, but still in the safe range.

I was scheduled for another ultrasound. I was praying everyday, that this ultrasound would show my baby was growing, and show that little beating heart! The did all of the measurements, and compared it to the last week ultrasound. My baby had no heartbeat, and was shrinking in size.

I went for one more lab test, and the next day when my results were in I was at work. My Hcg level had dropped from 2500 to 800. I knew that no matter how hard I prayed, and hoped that my baby would live, that he was destined to be with God. I was sheduled for a D&C the next day.

I don't think I had ever felt so empty in all my life!!!

My children were very upset, and it was difficult to explain why this had happened. My husband, was my rock of support through the whole experience. My family was my listening stone. Whenever I needed to talk, they were always there for me.

I kept thinking that I had this life growing inside of me just briefly, and now I will never know who he looked like, what his laugh would sound like, and why this happened to us.

I was told by my sister-in-law, that God gives us children as a privilege, and privileges can be taken away at any time. I now know that God has reasons for everything he does in life!

I am a happy person these days, knowing that my "Jamie" is with God and is a very happy child in heaven.

Stevie Linden
miscarriage-medical term "missed abortion"
Le Mars, IA

Marcia's thoughts: Your story so clearly details the ongoing saga as a parent(and family...) moves through the miscarriage experience. Rarely, does a miscarriage happen in a brief span of time. It is an ongoing process that leaves us drained, frustrated and confused. Healing happens gradually and folks come to different understandings as they continue to heal. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and hope...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"The Beating Heart?"

I am a thirty-six years old housewife who gave up my teaching profession to stay home with my now two year old son, Aaron. Upon discovering that I was pregnant with our second child, we immediately decided that it was time for a new house, as we knew we would need more room. Our son was delighted about the anticipation of having a brother or sister.

I was so looking forward to my first 10 week doctor visit where I would hear the wonderful sound of my child's heartbeat. I even marked the days off on the calendar.

At approximately 8 weeks I noticed a slight brownish discharge. I immediately called my doctor who stated that this was rather common and "not to worry."

About one week later I had a very small amount of bright pink blood. My doctor said it was probably nothing and that he would see me in one week. I was feeling great and had no more spotting, so I thought that everything would be fine.

The morning of my appointment, all I cound think of was hearing the heartbeat for the first time. As I entered the doctor's office, there was a large array of baby pictures on the wall from current patients. I kept thinking how blessed we were to be having another baby.

The nurse called me in and after exchanging small talk she said, "I bet your anxious to hear that heartbeat." However, she was unable to pick up any sound at all. After the doctor examined me he said that though the uterus was enlarged, it was not ten weeks. He then attempted to find a heartbeat to no avail.

He then said I either miscalculated my cycle or that the pregnancy had stopped. He scheduled an ultrasound the following day. My husband an I were unable to sleep at all that night, as we both had a feeling that something was wrong.

The ultrasound technician told us our worst fears. She was able to see the embrionic sac, but there was no fetus. She figured the pregnancy had stopped at approximately 5 1/2 weeks due to "blighted ovum." My husband and I both sat in the corner and cried. My doctor gave me the option of having a D &C or allowing my body to dicard of it naturally.

I opted for nature to take over and after about one week I experienced what felt like labor pains and tremendous bleeding. My doctor was on vaction at this time and the doctor on call said that I should just "wait it out." I thought this was the end.

However, about two weeks later I was standing in the kitchen and noticed that I was bleeding heavily. I was then given a D&C, as I had not passed all of the tissue.

This has been such an emotional roller coaster that it is hard for me to decribe. When I discovered that I did not have a viable pregnancy I prayed that God would quickly take my baby. However, for almost three weeks a trip to the bathroom was torture, as it was a constant reminder of the loss.

People say, "Well it really wasn't a baby and you can have another one." I know they mean no harm, but it is like a dagger in my heart. I would love to have another baby, but I am terrified of going through this again. I know God has a purpose for all things and I have certainly grown through this experience.

I thank God everyday for the many blessings I have and for my beautiful son. If any of you have had a similar experience I would love to hear from you. My heart goes out to all of you who have expericed such a loss. You are all in my prayers. God Bless, Kim

Entry #2: 11/8/99

I just wanted to drop a line to let you know how much I appreciated all the support I received after my miscarriage in December, 1998. I submitted my experience called "The Beating Heart?" which described my pain and hopelessless I felt at the time.

I received so many words of comfort and support from people with similar circumstances. It has been nearly a year and I am pleased to say that we are pregnant and delighted!!

I am so greatful for your site, as it got me through one of the most difficult times of my life. Thank you again. God Bless, Kim

12/13/98>BR> Miscarriage
Holland, MI

Marcia's Thoughts: This story, like the one from Stevie above it, clearly details the "ongoing" process of a miscarriage. So many folks believe most miscarriages happen in a short time frame. All the expectations of finding out about being pregnant are dashed one by one as each day goes on.

Marcia's thoughts on 11/4/ thoughts and prayers are with your family as you move through this pregnancy. If you haven't, you might want to consider visiting our pages about "Subsequent Pregnancy Menu" - you may find some support there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Finding a way to say Goodbye

My husband and I had been married almost two years when we decided to that we wanted to have a baby. It wasn't really a difficult decision because we had talked about it even while planning our wedding.

On November 26, 1998, Thanksgiving day, we found out that we were going to have a baby. It was perfect. We had hoped for a summer baby, and it gave us so much to be thankful for.

We shared the news that same day with our family and friends even though we had discussed waiting a little while. We just couldn't keep it to ourselves. We thought that since it was Thanksgiving we were meant to share our special news. The baby was due July 29, 1999. We were so excited.

I felt from the beginning that it was going to be a boy. It was just a feeling I had deep inside, not because I wanted a boy in particular (actually a girl would be my choice if asked), but because I had a feeling. I really didn't care to be honest. I just wanted him/her to be healthy.

From the very beginning I talked to our baby and kept asking if everything was alright. I kept having awful feelings that something was wrong but my husband and I figured it was just normal nervousness.

I had all the symptoms of being pregnant and that was comforting to me. Two days before Christmas we went to the doctor. From what he could tell everything seemed alright but an ultrasound wasn't in his usual plan this early. They tried to hear the heartbeat with the doppler device and couldn't but said that was not unusual since I was only about 8 to 9 weeks.

On Saturday January 9, 1999 I began spotting in the morning and had some abdominal cramping. I called the doctor and was told that the spotting could be nothing and to call back if it got worse. About an hour and 1/2 later, the cramping and bleeding had gotten a little worse so my husband and I went to the emergency room.

The HCG quantitative levels said I was only 6 or 7 weeks pregnant instead of 12 weeks. They did an ultrasound that showed a 6 or 7 week pregnancy also. There was no way I could have miscalculated by 5 or 6 weeks so I new it was bad. Plus there was no cardiac activity. I went home to see what would happen.

Three days later, January 12,1999 at 4pm I started to have unbearable, excruciating pain. I thought I was going to die. I was bleeding bright red blood and passing some large clots. This went on for 4 straight hours. The pain never let up. At 8pm I passed a very very large clot/mass about the size of my fist and then the pain was gone. I was relieved and I cried. My husband was with me the whole time and he was wonderful.

When I woke up the next morning I was numb. I'm confused and extrememly sad. I don't know where to go from here. I came to this website because I'm trying to find a way to say goodbye.

It's helped me alot to tell this story because it is so real and so painful. Angel ornaments for trees and poems and dedications... they have all inspired me.I thought before I would want to erase the memory, but now I want to figure out a way to preserve the memory of a baby who will always be loved and who gave us so much happiness in such a short amount of time. I think that the first thing we will try to do is find a special name for our little angel.

Fitchburg, MA

Marcia's Thoughts: ...Giving yourself permission to grieve is the first step along this path. (See "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal"~Significance of You and Your Baby) Saying "hello" to our baby is the next step. This can be done just as you have mentioned with the suggestions on our site! We realize we never have to forget(or say a lasting goodbye) to these special babies...they will be forever in our hearts and souls. Gradually, with time and these ideas, the pain eases away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I just recently had a miscarriage and was really hit hard after the nurse did not discover a heartbeat during my first visit to the OBGYN.

I had started spotting the day prior and was panic stricken. I sometimes wonder if the baby would be still alive if I hadn't given into my fears after seeing the blood. A few days later, I tried to convince myself that the nurse had made a mistake regarding not being able to hear the babies heartbeat. I went through a sea of emotions during this period. I never realized how difficult it can be to go through a miscarriage.

I was nine weeks pregnant when I was told that the babies heart had stopped beating a week or two prior, according to the pictures of the ultrasound.

During my pregnancy I tried to eat right, excercize and rest. I did continue to smoke, but cut down drastically. I was down to 10 cigarettes a day and smoked outside and tried very hard not to inhale. Before becoming pregnant again I am determined to give up this habit. I do know many people who smoked like chimneys and never miscarried as a result. My own mother had four healthy babies and smoked alot through all her pregnancies.

Springfield, MA


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Myranda- Lost Forever
(2 1/2 years later...)

When I discovered I was pregnant for the first time, I had very mixed feelings. I was eighteen, two days away from leaving home for the first time to attend college, unmarried, and very faithfully "on the pill." Although I had a very supportive boyfriend (who is now my husband of almost two years), the news hit us hard, and we told no one. Being a very avid pro-life advocate, however, abortion was NEVER an option, and I loved my child from the very beginning.

We went on to college, the stresses of a major life change sinking in right along with the changes in my body. Still, we plodded on.

The baby growing inside me was getting more and more real as the weeks wore on, and the fact that I alone was responsible for this new life gave me an incredible sort of happiness. I was taking excellent care of myself, and I felt great too.

When I first noticed some spotting at about 9 1/2 weeks, I was concerned, but I also knew that this is not uncommon. I reported it to the nurse practitioner at the university health center when I went in for blood tests who did an examination (I was about 10 1/2 weeks by now), but she couldn't really tell me anything.

I started to worry even more when she called down to the lab to have them test my blood for hCG levels, but she still kept assuring me that she was sure everything was going to be alright.

So I trusted her, hoping for the best... She seemed to think that I should get in to a doctor's office for an ultrasound immediately, and called to get me in; she even arranged to have a taxi come and pick us up, as we had no car at the time.

Upon arrival, we were escorted right back into the ultrasound room, where the technician did a vaginal probe u/s. She didn't seem to be having any luck finding anything, so she suggested that I go to the restroom and empty my bladder. I said a prayer in the bathroom, hoping for the best, to see my baby's heartbeat on the screen.

After returning, the technician looked for a few minutes, silent, then said, "Oh." When I asked what was wrong, she just said, "Well, the doctor can tell you more. It appears the baby stopped developing at 8 weeks. I can't find a heartbeat."

Frantic and clinging to any sign of hope and not thinking clearly, I said, "Well, maybe it's just turned around backwards." She just said no. I don't know what my boyfriend was thinking; he stayed silent.

The doctor was very blunt and unemotional. He too kept saying, "stopped developing." For some reason this irritated me. He also said, "You'll always look upon this as a very sad time," as if we were too young and stupid to decide for ourselves how to feel.

The ride home in the taxi was very difficult. There were already two women in the back seat when it picked us up; I squished in with them. When we got in the older woman said, seeing we were waiting outside an OBGYN, said, "Oh... are you having a little bambino?" I just said no, holding back the tears.

I was able to hold all my emotions in until we were safe in my apartment, then the dam broke. I had such a whirlwind of feelings spinning around inside my head-- overwhelming sadness, guilt because I had let myself get so stressed out in my condition, anger that my body had somehow failed, jealousy towards other mothers with successful pregnancies, and many others.

Mainly because I had no medical coverage (I was still covered under my parents' policy but they had no knowledge of any of this) I was going to wait it out and try to avoid a D & C if at all possible. Several days later, I bolted up out of bed in the middle of the night with a very strange feeling that something was dreadfully wrong. I ran to the bathroom, only to feel a huge gush of fluid as soon as I sat down on the toilet. I was bleeding uncontrollably! I yelled for my boyfriend, who had been staying with me since we heard that I was going to miscarry.

I was so grateful he was there; my legs were so shaky I could not get up and my vision kept blurring, but I kept fighting unconsciousness. Panicked, he called the doctor, who said to wait it out during the night as long as I felt okay (I was in no physical pain).

I was also told to collect what I could in a container for examination. This was extremely hard (emotionally), but I managed. After an hour or so, I got up the strength to go back to bed, which is what the doctor suggested.

I had a second ultrasound the next day; my boyfriend called my employer and explained to them what had happened, and I was also excused from classes.

This u/s was a very messy experience, as I was bleeding very heavily and passing clots. They came to the conclusion that things were moving along normally- the sac was no longer intact- and I would probably be able to miscarry without surgery, as long as the bleeding showed signs of slowing. Luckily, it did slow a little by that night.

I was terrified of going in for surgery; and not just from the financial standpoint and the pain. I was still holding out hope that some sort of awful mistake had been made...

I only took three days off from work- and I could barely afford that. I was still bleeding quite heavily when I returned, and I remember feeling the need to push that same afternoon.

I went to the bathroom (luckily I was alone) and was in there for quite some time, trying to expel whatever it was that was stuck. I wrapped my hand in tissue and caught it. I don't know if it was the placenta or what it was, but this was no blood clot.

I couldn't look at it for very long- I don't know why- so I just flushed it down. This thought still haunts me; what if I flushed my baby down the toilet? I wished my husband was there, but this being a public women's restroom at my job, he obviously couldn't have been.

I also remember that when I had collected tissue for the hospital to test, the cup was full of blood and clots, but I distinctly remember seeing something rounded on the top sort of floating in it that definitely looked like skin tissue. The doctor notified me later that the lab found nothing but blood clots and bits of toilet paper (so they could tell me nothing), but I swear I saw something else.

This has led me to the conclusion-- and this is my spiritual, not my logical, side talking-- that maybe my baby was in that cup of tissue when I saw it, but was somehow transported to heaven before his or her body made it into the hands of some lab technician who was going to cut it to pieces and show it no dignity. I know it sounds loopy, but that thought has given me some peace in all of my unknowing.

In conclusion (if you are still reading this-- it has turned out much longer than I had anticipated!!), I thankfully never needed a D & C.

I married my then-boyfriend a year later, and we have since had a healthy baby boy, Holden Nicholas. We are truly blessed.

The grief is still there though, 2 1/2 years later, and that is something I think will never go away. I also think that this is something I share only with women. Matthew was very supportive and wonderful through the whole ordeal, but I don't think he ever full understood what I was going through. Reading of others' stories on the internet has greatly helped me, and it continues to today.

Although there was no way of knowing the sex of the baby I lost, I have always felt that it was a girl, and I have since named her Myranda, a name that has special significance to me. I move on today, eternally remembering her, and I'll see her in heaven someday.

Oct.14, 1996
Bloomington, IN

Marcia's thoughts: You wrote your story with so many details that many folks aren't comfortable to doing so, I am sure you have opened doors for other moms who have thought and had similar events and/or feelings and are afraid to mention or share them.

I have had mothers in my group share their fear of flushing their baby down the toilet during the turmoil of the miscarriage. Parents who have not experienced such a miscarriage could not appreciate how much trauma one goes through...and the doctor's requirements to save the "tissue" etc. are very hard to follow. All of this seems so unreal as you move through it.

Your experience sounds very similar to my own as far as the actual miscarriage. It is scary and full of "unrealness." We do the best we can, and we haven't a clue as to what to really do. For me, I have had to believe, that my babies are in heaven...whole and at peace no matter what happened to their dear bodies. God must take their souls and protect each one of these special babies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I am 21, I just had a miscarriage in February. I never had one before so I really did not know what to expect or what to do. My doctor ended up not cleaning me out, and now almost 3 months later I am still dealing with all of this.

I just recently saw another doctor, because I was bleeding for almost 2 months straight, now I have an infection because of it. So my advice to everyone is no matter what your doctor or anyone else says get cleaned out.

I have been in so much pain physcally and mentally because of this. God Bless everyone and your children.

Menominee, Michigan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"Trying to Find Meaning in Our Loss"

It was one week today that we lost our baby. My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, and we always wanted to have children.

We talk about it all the time, and although we are both in our early thirties, we really didn't think that this was the right time. When I found out that I was pregnant in early February, we really couldn't believe it - due to the timing, it would have been almost impossible for me to become pregnant. We were both shocked, and it took a couple of weeks for it to sink in.

I almost immediately had incapacitating morning sickness, and as a result, I had to inform my employers, since I could no longer work the long hours and was having a hard time dealing with the 24 hour a day nausea and exhaustion.

My doctor told me that the sickness was a good sign, but now I really am questioning that. I did alot of travelling in this time, and spent alot of time in front of a computer terminal. I know that these things are not supposed to affect your chances of a miscarriage, but you can never stop thinking of reasons why!

Anyway, we affectionately named the baby "Enzo" (my husband is Italian and we joked about giving the baby a really "ethnic" name) and after the initial shock wore off, really started to love the baby.

I started spotting (brownish discharge) last Tuesday, when I should have been about 12 weeks pregnant. I went to my doctor on Wednesday, and she said that it was old blood, and did not appear to be coming from the cervix. She also said that my cervix was closed, and that she has had patients who bled throughout their pregnancies and have delivered healthy babies.

I couldn't believe how upset and worried I was about it - this was an unplanned pregnancy which did not fit into our plans, and I was devastated at the idea that something could be wrong.

My doctor tried to get me in for an ultrasound immediately, but the machine that is use for obstetrical ultrasounds in our town was not working properly, and I had to wait a week. My doctor did send me in for a check of my hormone levels, and she called back the next day to say that they were still high, and to try not to worry.

I went back to work immediately, since my doctor told me that if I was going to miscarry, it was going to happen whether I worked or not.

I got through the rest of the week, confiding in my best friend, and my husband, who was positive that everything was going to work out OK. He said, "Why would you get pregnant if something was going to go wrong? This little guy really wants to be."

On Saturday, April 17, 1999, I went to work in the morning, and then went to a bookstore to buy a journal - I was planning to write down my experiences to share with my child when he or she got older. I wanted him or her to know how much I worried and how much I loved him/her, even then.

I wandered over to the pregnancy section and looked up my symptoms in some medical books. The words "threated miscarriage" and "missed miscarriage" just shocked me, and I had a very strong feeling that there was really something wrong.

I went home to lay down for a few hours, and when I got up, I started to feel some pain, like a bad stomach ache or bad mentrual cramps.

My husband took me to the hospital immediately, and after waiting for almost 2 hours, I finally saw a doctor (who looked like Dougie Howser!) and before he even looked at me, he said that there was a 75% chance that I would lose the baby. However, after he examined me, he said that my cervix was still closed, and he was going to get the obstetrical resident to come and have a look at me.

I was in such agony, and I knew that it was labour - it was just coming over me in waves. I had no idea that it would hurt so much!

The minute she arrived, I felt a rush of what felt like fluid coming out of me. She immediately examined me and said that she could see the fetus had been expelled. She was wonderful to me, and I will never forget her kindness and help. She let me look at the fetus, which did not look like it was very well developed or formed.

Seeing the baby however, made me feel so much better and I thank God every day that I had the strength to look and that she gave me that choice.

After the miscarriage, I stayed in the hospital overnight. The nurses were so kind and caring, not a day has gone by that I don't think about how much they helped me.

I also went to the bathroom and passed what might have been clots or placental tissue that night, and flushed without thinking. I can't help thinking that it may have been a twin or something (since I was so sick, my doctor had suspected twins) and that haunts me as well. I have to trust that the doctors would have discovered that there was another fetus there.

The next morning, I had a D&C done, and contrary to the stories that I have heard here, I found that it was the best thing that I could have done. I went home feeling physically much better, and that helped me to heal faster.

My hospital told me that they have a monument in a local cemetary where all the babies are buried, and that twice a year they have a memorial service. I hope that I will be strong enought to attend when the time comes.

My main problem is finding meaning in all of this. If we were trying to have children, or were unhappy about the pregnancy, I could find some meaning. However, it just seems so useless.

Why did I get pregnant if I wasn't meant to carry the baby to term? We aren't planning to try again for a while, and my head agrees with that decision, but my heart doesn't. I feel like I just want to be pregnant again right away!

Thank you for letting me share my feelings, thoughts and experience here - your site has really been a life saver. I could go on writing all night, but I think this is long enough! Please edit as you see fit.

April 17, 1999
Newfoundland, Canada

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Entry #1

Gage Alexander

Hi my name is Heather and I lost my baby boy through a miscarriage when I was barely 4 months pregnant with him.

I have been looking for a support group to go to in my area and I am having trouble finding any. I used to go to one (HOPE--HELPING OTHER PARENTS ENDURE) but I am looking for a change. (I hope nobody from the group reads this) I really didn't feel comfortable at this group when I would share my feelings and NEED to find another one.

I am still having a hard time dealing with my son's death even after almost 2 years. (it will be 2 years on July 13, 1999) If anyone knows where I can find out about support groups in Omaha, Nebraska, or if anyone knows OF a support group I would really really really apprieciate the info!! Or if anyone just wants to talk I'm hear and I'm a great listener!

Entry #2: Saying Goodbye...Before Hello

I lost my baby when very early in my 4th month of pregnancy. This was to be my first child, and although he wasn't planned I wanted him very much.

My pregnancy went well for the first 6 weeks or so...then the spotting started...then it got worse. The Dr. said as long as no cramping was involved everything should be okay.

When I went in to listen to the heartbeat they couldn't find one. I had an internal ultrasound and the Dr. told me that my precious child had stopped growing at around 8-10 weeks.

I thought I was lucky that I had no breast tenderness, or morning sickness. I wasn't tired at all. I basicaly didn't have any signs that I was pregnant. I come to find out later that it was a sign that something was wrong. (I had some original breast tenderness very early even before I knew I was pregnant. But it went away.) I had no idea I was supposed to watch out for losing the signs of pregnancy. I was only 18, and had no idea what to look for, except morning sickness.!

Even then the Dr. told me that not everyone had morning sickness.I felt so guilty! For a long time I thought if I had known all of this I could have prevented losing my child.

The Dr. told me to come back for another ultrasound a week later just to make sure she hadn't messed up on my due date. But I knew my baby was dead.

Before I made it to my next ultrasound I woke up with cramps and more bleeding. I was still hoping maybe everything would be okay...deep down I knew it wasn't. I miscarried my baby on July 13, 1997.

I never knew if I was having a boy or a girl, but I "felt" I was having a boy since I got the positive pregnancy test. I named my son Gage Alexander.

The nurses at the hospital wouldn't let me see or hold my baby. They told me it would be best if I didn't. I asked them why as best I could (they had given me morphine for the pain so I was a bit groggy) they said that he was malformed and it wasn't a pretty sight. I was too tired and in too much pain to argue.

I wish to this day I would have!!! I don't have any pictures of him. I never even got to bury him! My family and friends thought a funeral was pointless when I couldn't bury anything!

I had to have a D&C and I think that was the worst experience of my life. I am so glad I was asleep for the whole thing, but when I woke up I felt so "empty." For Four months I knew I had a baby growing inside me...and to wake up and know he's not there anymore almost killed me!

Only 5 hrs after I arrived to the hospital they sent me home. Five hours!! The nurses were all pretty cold to me about the whole thing.

Only 1 seemed to care and sympathize. She asked me if I wanted to talk...which I didn't. She gave me some info. about miscarriage's and a support group I could go to. I was pretty rude to her. I later wrote her an apology letter, seeing that she was the only nice one there.

My roomate and I finally go home and my mom called. Only 6 hrs earlier I had lost my child and here she was telling me that it was for the best. I was too young. The baby wouldn't have a father (he left as soon as I told him I was pregnant) anyway. She then told me that I could move back home.

The day before I had just moved into my new apartment. My mother told me I had 1 month to move out of "her" house when I told her I was pregnant. Now here she was telling me I could move back home. I couldn't believe it!

At the time I was working at a Day care and I couldn't imagine going back to work. I worked with infants. So my friend called and told my boss about what happened and asked if I could have a couple of weeks off. My boss told my friend if I didn't come in the next day I was fired. I couldn't afford to lose my job. So I went in the next day. I stayed for 2 hrs and walked out bawling. I couldn't work around all of those babies.

So here I am today almost 2 years later and I still cry everyday. I want to have a memorial service for him, but my friends all think it's a bad idea. I want to at least get a headstone for him. I am saving my money for both. One day I will do these things and then maybe I will be okay.

I am looking for a support group to go to in my area(Omaha, Ne) but haven't had much luck. I went to the one the nurse suggested but it didn't work out too well. I didn't feel comfortable there. I am also looking for people to talk to. I need to get my feelings out in the open...since none of my friends will talk to me. And my mother pretends like it never happened. Help!

Gage Alexander's Mom
July 13, 1997-July 13, 1997
Omaha, Ne

Marcia's thoughts: I am touched by your story. I now better understand your thoughts around your grief. You have been through much loss and confusion during the last two years.

I included this story with your other thoughts and then I also included both under Sharing Stories, Single Moms. I thought maybe you might find some comfort and support from some of these moms. I think many of them are so very nice...I have emailed many of them several times. Being single can cause people to say and do some unkind reactions. I wish folks would understand that when you lose a baby, it hurts. Your grief is very real and often moms lose their baby's father(he often leaves) and other folks dismiss everything. There are many losses and much confusion.

Please consider doing some things in memory of your baby. Noone has to approve or even know what you decide to do. "Coping Ideas" offers many ideas for keepsakes and other plans. You might do a simple service(plant a tree or a plant in a planter, say a prayer, take a walk in the woods and bury a slip of paper with Gage's name under a beautiful tree, etc.) in your child's memory...with a friend who might be supportive or by yourself. Our local group has bricks, for $20. that you can buy and engrave with your baby's name(see brick pathway). Buying a doll or some special memento in memory of your baby is very appropriate.

I am sorry the hospital would not let you see your child. Sometimes there is no option...I couldn't see the first two babies I lost. It may have been the D&C and not the baby that caused them to not give you this option(which is not uncommon). I envision my two in heaven looking just like beautiful babies...because I believe they are. What you hold in your heart is what is important at this point.

As to knowing that something was wrong..this is very hard. Especially in an early loss. We have moms who have lost babies after they have had living babies and they did not know there was a problem. So, try to forgive yourself for any preceived error...we all do the best we can. Forgiving ourselves is a major step toward healing.

Know you can have learned much and maybe someday you can help someone else in a similar place (or even someone from the site!). I am sure Gage knows your love for him and appreciates your concern for him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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A long awaited child

My mother just told me about this site and my heart goes out to all of you.

I would like to include my story as it was an early loss, but I can't imagine it hurting any less. I am happily married and have a beautiful five year old son. When my son was nine months old, my husband and I started trying to conceive a second child. We tried for a couple of years without success, the third year with the assistance of Clomid and inseminations without success.

The fourth year we conceived without assistance, and I anticipated no problems, after all I had my son without any problems. We were so happy, we told everyone, including our son. My ultrasound at 9.5 weeks was normal.

Two weeks later, I was working, ironically enough as a nurse on an OB floor when the sporadic spotting I had been told not to worry about by my Dr. became a bit brighter. I had no pain but felt something was wrong.

I tried to find the baby's heartbeat on my own at work and was unable to. My Dr. agreed to see me because I was upset, the pelvic exam made him want to follow-up with an ultrasound.

The ultrasound showed that my baby had died and it probably had happened soon after the first ultrasound. Due to the Easter weekend, he wanted me to have a D&C on Monday. Monday am, on my way in to have the procedure, I went into labor and delivered an "empty sac" I still had the D&C.

I was and am devastated by this loss. What people don't understand is that I wanted that baby with my whole being. Already having a child does not diminish your need.

My son will soon be six. We have still not conceived and I am so scared that I will never have another child. Thank you for letting me write. It helps.

Sharon, CT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Some how this is easier than my Savanna... and it's also alot harder...

Seven months ago we lost our child she was stillborn. On May 30,1999 we found out we were expecting another child.. We were excited and apprehensive.

I had blood work done to make sure things were progressing well.

On Thursday evening I had a dream about me and my baby. We were getting our picture taken, and I was holding the baby. I told her to hurry and smile for the picture before she had to go.... I thought it was my Savanna(who was stillborn).

The next day I called to see how the blood work they had taken was. The nurse said I was going to miscarry. On Sunday June 6. I did.

This has brought back the death of my daughter, and then more. No one seems to understand that I(we) have lost another child..I feel so lonely. Lost, and confused. Some how this is easier than my Savanna... and it's also alot harder. I still have to find out why? we miscarried.

I guess I'll never know as to why we have to go through all this heart wrenching pain in so short a time.

So, I sit here and wonder was my dream a sort of premonition about my unborn child? Was it about my stillborn daughter Savanna? Or both? Hopefully One of these days I'll have the dream where I'm holding a healthy living, breathing beautiful child, and this one will come so true..Yes I do still have hope. Imagine that!!

One day I'll write and tell you a happy story. I had a child and they lived. Oh is that to much to ask? and who would have ever thought that in 30 short years of my life that I would have to go through not one, but two losses.

My heart goes out to the parents who have experienced this and so much more. How do I get excited for the next child????I guess one nerve wracking day at a time. But we will try and try again. Hopefully just the one more try will work the next time.

I love you My dearest little Angels in heaven..

Your mommy and daddy..

To read some of Savanna' mother's thoughts..."OUR BABY ANGEL" and then... "The Baby Angel" by Christine's Cousin (3/17/99)

Christine Mallory
Syracuse, NY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"...feel I have no one who understands how I am feeling. If someone would please e-mail me back with some words of hope."

This is something I have never done before, but about one month ago I had my first miscarriage. I am having a very hard time dealing with it, and I feel as if there isn't a soul out there that knows what I'm feeling. I just happened to stumble onto this website in hopes of finding some kind of help.

I had about a one year battle with endometriosis (stage IV), which in doing my research and having the best doctor in the world, for now I am cured. My husband Danny and I had been trying planning on having a baby for some time, but in learning I had endometriosis I thought all my hopes of having a baby had been shattered. We attended healing masses at our local church hoping that God would give us the strength to carry on. One month after that my miracle occurred.

Our doctor told us we were about six or seven weeks pregnant. I'm sure you can imagine how I felt. It didn't seem real to me at all.

I didn't believe in waiting the three months to tell everyone I was so excited. Finally after seeing all of my best friends and family having two and three children with no problems at all I envied them with the hopes that one day God would bless me with the gift of life.

About two weeks later my doctor called to say that my tests did not come back with good news. He said I would miscarry the baby in about two weeks. I was so distraught. How could this happen?

I love everyone's children and they love me. Didn't God know what a loving mother I was going to be? I really can't put into words how I feel right now.

My heart is broken. I just had another pregnancy test done hoping it would come out positive, but it didn't. I feel I have no one who understands how I am feeling. If someone would please e-mail me back with some words of hope. Thank you.

Valley Stream, NY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Our First Pregnancy

We have been married for 1 1/2 years and have been trying to have a baby for a year. We found out at the end of July that we would be expecting our first child in April.

On August 12th, I had cramping and bleeding--the next day I went to the Dr.'s for an ultrasound. The baby was there, the right size for 6 wks, and had a heartbeat of 137.7. That night we lost the baby.

This is something we will never understand. But we will try again and will hopefully have a baby someday. We know our special angel is watching us everyday and we will be reunitied with him again. (I had a feeling that it was a boy, but we'll never know). God Bless anyone who is reading this!

Our Special Angel
Lafayette, LA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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We are in our thirties and this was our first pregnancy.


My husband and I have been together for eight years and just found out we were pregnant in July.

We went to our first ultra sound on Septmeber 22, 1999, I was nine weeks along. As the doctor looked at the ultra sound he said that there was nothing there, just the sack.

At this point my husband and I just felt numb. He we came to hear our baby's heartbeat and to take a picture home and we were leaving with nothing. Our doctor was terribly uncompassinate.

Since then we have switched doctors and we are trying to get back on track. My employer has been a God-send. My husband, family and friends have all been so gracious.

We are in our thirties and this was our first pregnancy. Needless to say we were crushed.

How do you say good bye to someone you never held or touched or had a chance to tell them I love you my sweet child.

I try to think that we have our own angel up above watching over us now and forever, and someday we will meet. Until then I try and remember that God never gives you more than you can handle and to admit to the feelings you have minute to minute day to day and be thankful for the blessings in my life. But it is so terribly hard.

Any suggesstions are so very welcomed, as there is very little out there regarding miscarriages, and so much regarding "pregnancy". Thank you

Fairbanks, Ak

Marcia's thoughts: Please know you are not alone. There is much information on this site and there are books and materials out there on pregnancy and neo-natal loss. On the section that I put your story there are other parents who have had a miscarriage that would like to hear from you...please consider emailing them.

The site is for support around this type of loss...through onsite information, links to other sites, email exchange, and references to books and other materials. The Pregnancy and Neo-Natal Loss Community has grown during the last 15 years because parents who have had this kind of loss have been supporting each other and increasing our knowledge about this kind of loss. That is good news.

Please take time to read about "The First 24 hours and later", "Allowing Yourself to Grieve to HeaL", Coping Ideas/Mementos, Links/Books, Links/Medical(has information about miscarriage, too) and consider doing those things that feel right for you. Generally, as parents heal different approaches work all along the path. That is why so many ideas are given.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I need support...

I had a miscarriage two months ago. This was to be my first child. I still cry about my lost child most every nite. I feel guilty, and have a hard time trying to talk it over with my man, because I am afraid he will blame me or tell me to get over it.

This was hard on him also, because he was told that he had a one in three thousand chance of ever having children. I feel like I have blown it, even though as a nurse I know that this is common for first pregnancies, and is "nature's way". Will this pain ever go away?

Keokuk, IA

Marcia's Thoughts: Your thoughts around your loss and about your feelings with your husband are very normal. Guilt is part of the grieving process. If you haven't, please consider reading "Allowing Yourself to Grieve To Heal" and also read some of the information under "Father's Grief".

Please email some of the folks on this page...supporting one another is one way that healing can occur. Your are grieving because you have suffered a loss.

Sometimes, nurses and doctors try to look at their loss as a medical event so that they will not hurt emotionally...they try to protect themselves. Sometimes this denial keeps them from healing emotionally.

Be gentle with yourself...time with more understanding of the grieving process will ease your pain. Consider doing some of the Coping Ideas found on the site. When we allow our feelings to come through, grief slowly lessens.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I need to speak with other people who have been through what I have been...

Hello, My name is Lisa Westphal I was 1 month shy of being 4 months pregnant and we had a miscarriage....I need to speak with other people who have been through what I have been...

I am 38 years old this is my 2nd marriage, I have a daughter who lives in Florida with her father.... My 2nd husband and I were looking forward to this baby and it was taken away. We will start to have another baby in 1 and a half months when the doctor says it is ok !!! Anybody who wants to write to me please, I would love to have somebody to talk with who has been through some what of the same situation ....

Hamburg, Germany

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Words of Wisedom, Please...

I am 26 years old and my husband and I just had a miscarriage. It's been 1 week since we found out that there was no longer a heart beat,and 3 days since it all happened.

I have no family that has been through this and I'm having a hard time. I would like be able to get through this and I just can't focus on anything. I'm so overwhelmed with fear of trying to concieve again, afraid to of not feeling whole again.

If anyone has some words of wisdom I'd appreciate it, Thank you. Kare

London, ON Canada

Marcia's thoughts: Please consider, if you haven't, reading "Allowing Yourself to Grieve to Heal" and "The First 24 Hours and Later..." Both of these are about your feelings and confusion. Yes, healing will take place but we must help ourselves heal.

You might consider reading about "Coping Ideas". We encourage parents to name their babies and to do something(s) in memory of them. You might want to include your baby in our Memorial Garden or in our Candlelighting page.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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When my husband and I found out that we were expecting our second child, we were ecstatic.

My two year old son asked me everyday how the baby was doing.

This pregnancy was especially exciting because I had an ovary, along with a large cyst, removed when I was five months pregnant with my first child. And although we'd been told that this wouldn't pose a problem when we tried to conceive again, we couldn't help but wonder if it was true. Needless to say, we had no problem conceiving.

I felt great, no "morning sickness", just a little tired. On September 3, 1999 I had an u/s and was told I was 4.5 weeks pg. and everything looked great.

On September 6, 1999 at 10:30 p.m., I noticed a little spotting when I wiped. I immediately called the Dr. on call and she insensitively told me that I would likely miscarry within the next several hours.

I explained that I wasn't cramping, but she said that didn't matter. I was a wreck. The next morning I called my OB and her nurse told me my body was more than likely just trying to have a period, just take it easy. I did and I didn't spot again.

On Sept. 8, 1999, I felt great and decided to take my son for a ride. Before we left I went to the bathroom and saw that blood had flown out, but still no cramping. I was extremely scared. I called my OB, but she was not in. I was told to go to the ER.

After making a few hysterical calls to arrange childcare and to notify my husband, my mother and I went to the ER. My husband met us there and a while later I went to the restroom. No bleeding! I was hopeful.

My hope quickly diminished when the Dr. came in and checked me! He coldly said that in all probability I was miscarrying. I went to an u/s again.

My husband was not allowed in. The tech told me not to ask her questions, because she could lose her job if she gave me any information. Because she saw how scared I was, she told me that she did she a heartbeat, but because of the position the sac, I would probably have to take it easy.

Two hours after the u/s a nurse came in and I asked if he could remove my catheter (I was told it would be removed after the u/s). He yanked it out and I saw blood on the cord. I asked if it was normal and he said, "Uh...are you on your period?" I wanted to scream! Soon after I stood up I cramped and bled heavily. The Dr. then came in and said that I was miscarrying.

I didn't understand how the heart could be seen, and then two hours later be told I was miscarrying the next!! During this process I had my hcg checked. I was sent home and told to call my OB the next day to get my hgc reading.

The next day I was told my hormone count was high, to go in on Sept. 10 to get another hgc count done. Foolishly enough, I STILL had hope. It was the longest weekend of my life. That Monday, my OB called and told me that it was definite that I miscarried. My hormone count dropped considerably. We were devastated.

My son is what kept me together. Although we didn't tell him what happened, he never asked again about the baby... almost as if he knew what happened.

Since this happened to us, all my friends and my closest sister-in-law have become pregnant.

My sis-in-law and I planned on being pg. at the same time. We would've been three weeks apart! When we all get together, I feel as though they are part of some special club that I no longer belong to. I know it sounds silly. I can not express how happy I am for all of them, yet I have found myself worrying about them all as well. I don't want to put fear in all my pg. friends and family members, nor do I want to break-in on their joy by talking about my loss.

I have heard so many insensitive comments since this happened ("At least you can still have children," "It wasn't meant to be," "At least you weren't that far along!"). It has been painful.

Until a few weeks ago, I didn't have anyone to talk to about this. My next door neighbor called me in middle of the night to tell me his wife was miscarrying and he needed help. By the grace of God, I was able to keep my head on straight and I went over to help them. She was eleven weeks pg. Their Dr. told them to call him in an hour if she kept bleeding. I was able to tell them how much bleeding was abnormal and what they may expect from that point on.

She and I have become each others sounding board. She even told me she was sorry if she ever said an insensitive comment to me when I lost my baby. She, too, has learned that people don't realize that their "words of comfort" often times can be more hurtful that helpful. But, she and I realize that if they haven't been through it, they don't understand.

I don't ever wish this on anybody. I'd rather others not understand than to have them experience this pain and loss!

We are trying to conceive once again and I am terrified. As I read on another web site, we have "lost our innocence." Miscarriages are no longer something that happen to someone else. I know it can happen to me, but I must put my faith in the Lord and try again. We are hoping for a blessing.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to put my experience and thoughts in writing.

Sept. 1999Miscarriage
Tucson, AZ

Marcia's thoughts: So, many folks share the very same thoughts of frustration and hurt around other relationships. (Please visit "Friends, Family and Co-Workers" for more discussion on this issue).

Yes, others have a difficult time understanding this kind of loss...especially a miscarriage. That is why so many who do suffer miscarriages never give themselves "permission to grieve". We spend much time educating others to help them understand and appreciate the need to grieve. Our inservices are devoted to this cause.

I, too, would never wish any kind of loss on anyone, but I feel as though we as humans with caring and loving hearts can learn to help and understand one another's pain. Also, if this does happen to you, you will be more open to grieving and healing.

Thank you for sharing your might, if you haven't, want to look at what I have written under "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I need some answers...

I have a son 6 years of age and found out I was pregnant. My husband and I went to the doctor and had an ultrasound done. I'll never forget the feeling of seeing my precious baby for the first time. I will never forget the sad news of no heartbeat.

I had to have a dnc on 11-20-99. There is not a day that goes by That I don't think of this. I never dreamed this would happen. I have been searching for answers but nothing seems to help ease my pain

. Renee
Frankfort, IN

Marcia's thougths: There may be answers to why you lost your baby and how to heal, but I feel that they come in choices and options of how to heal and cope with what has happened to you. I discuss this a lot in "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal" and "The First 24 Hours and Later" on this site.

We all wish that we could read one article or do one thing and all would be better...these are a start in a process of grieving to heal. We are survivors by nature and reaching out to others and to a better understanding of the grieving process is a major factor in healing. Please consider spending time reading and emailing some of the other folks on this site.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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