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"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts - Along this Path

Miscarriage & Secondary Losses...Archives Entries '97-'98

These e-mails valid the "secondary losses" that we have after the loss of our baby. Please read "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal" - Secondary Losses (innocense, role as parent, loss of hope, security, etc.).

Theses are "archived e-mails" but they describe the losses so very well. They might help you to realize that the feelings you are experiencing are normal and the result of the losses in your life.

Healing happens as we recognize the pain, cope (see Coping Ideas), and give ourselves "permission to grieve to heal." Marcia McGinnis, 5/02

Marcia's Note: Unfortunately, many of these e-mails are from our early years and the addresses are probably not correct. Please feel free to try some of these. If people have sent me their updated email addresses I have included them. You may send any of your own thoughts to me and I will post them here - perhaps helping someone else some day..

I would be denied
what I had thought was a natural gift.

"I am a fairly strong woman mentally, but..." by Simone (11/97)

"Baby of Mine" by Vicki (11/97)

"In Memory of Baby James...3-19-98" by Stacy-Ann (4/3/98)

"In less than a week, I went from complete bliss to absolute misery..." by Jacqueline (5/98)

"Our Little Miracle" by Doreen (7/98)

"My Precious Baby" by Amy (9/98)

"Daniel and Michael" by Lynn (9/30/98)

"Shelbie Jo" by Angie (10/3/98)

Miscarriage - Simone writes of her loss of control, security and innocence - all secondary losses that increase our pain and confusion!

I miscarried my baby at 12 weeks.

For one week leading up to my loss, I bled and doctors told me I was having a threatened micarriage and that there was little I could do but take it easy.

I am a fairly strong woman mentally, but the torment of having no control of my own body will be something I will never forget. I had never experienced such a loss before, and it took me many months to come to terms with it.

My baby was very much wanted. It didn't seen fair that while my friends were having children, I would be denied what I had thought was a natural gift.

For many woman it is just that. For others, such as myself, it may not come so easily. But I believe my time will come again, and when it does I will cherish every moment..



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Vicki describes the biggest secondary loss that causes us the most pain: the loss of the role of "being a Mother" - our future, our place in "what should be".

Baby of Mine

I never had the chance to count your fingers or your toes.
I never had the chance to kiss your little button nose.
I never had the chance to see your dimpled little lips.
I never had the chance to feel you grasp my fingertips.
I never had the chance to soothe your cries of hunger.
I never had the chance to be your mother.

Baby Young
Bellingham, WA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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We can't believe it happened,
Our precious baby to be.
Through all our strife and struggles,
Thank God this must be real.

We saw this new creation,
As a blessing from above.
The miracle of a baby,
From our father full of love.

We saw the baby once or twice,
On the ultrasound machine.
And I felt my heart pounding,
As we jumped for joy with glee.

Then the devasting news came,
And you were no longer in view.
And we thought Oh God...
What did we do.

We had to make a choice,
After hearing you were gone.
The baby you wanted so much,
Will not be in our arms.

We would love to have you here,
To see you run and play.
A thought we can only dream of,
For in heaven you must stay.

We would love to have you with us,
To see you grow and run and play.
A thought we can no longer dream of,
For with Jesus you must stay.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Jacqueline clearly expresses the loss of innocence that occurs when our baby dies.

Our role of parent-to-be is taken from us and our future becomes uncertain. All of these are secondary losses and part of the grieving process. After a loss, our paths change, we change, we will not be the person we were. Some aspects of who we are will be different.

As we move down the path, we can choose some of our new directions. These changes are why we need to give ourselves time to heal. We all change as we mature, loss and grief push us along this path a little faster...We can survive this! With time and a clear effort.

In less than a week, I went from complete bliss to absolute misery.

I found out I was pregnant (about 4 weeks) and two days later began to lose it. I knew when I first started spotting that it was over although I didn't actually lose it for another 4 days.

In less than a week, I went from complete bliss to absolute misery. I can't believe that it happened to me. It has only been two weeks now since I miscarried but it hurts like it was yesterday.

I know everyone tells me that it is for the best but I can't get past the idea that I was being punished or that life did not want me to have my dreams come true.

My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for 6 months and were so happy. Now I am left rebuilding my soul. Right now my soul feels dead. I can't help feeling that no matter what I do or how I grow from this experience, I can never get back the same thrill, excitement, dream, and ideal that came with the 1st pregnancy.

And if I do get pregnant again, I am so scared of experiencing this again. I am not sure I can take this kind of pain a second time.

I have such a difficult time moving on right now. I try to go back to work and deal with this while pretending to be my old self. It is impossible to do.

If I experience this a second time, how can I survive? And it scares me to know I think this way because I have always thought I was a survivor. Intellectually I know that this pregnancy was nothing more than an embryo and tissue. Emotionally, this was my child. For the rest of my life, I will have a child that never was.

Chicago, IL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Our Little Miracle

Your life was very short, no more than 10 weeks, but I felt I had known you a lifetime. I can't seem to forget the words the nurse used to tell me I was carrying you, nor can I forget the days events when I lost you.

We were blessed. Someone smiled down on us and sent us an angel, but just as fast as plans were being made, you were gone.

I still don't understand why. How could we be given a miracle after so many years and then have it taken away? How sure I felt you were safe, thinking I could shield you from any harm.

How little I knew...forces more powerful than I had determined it was your time, how short it was. Sometimes I sit and daydream of what could have been. I looked so forward to seeing your father hold you for the first time, of watching you grow and giving you all the love you deserved--of being part of our life. As fast as these dreams were thought of, that's how fast you were gone.

Everyone says "these things happen for a reason", but as hard as I search I can't seem to figure it out. Why were you sent for such a short time? Why must we experience this pain, this emptiness?

Life is not fair, I wanted you so badly and it hurts so much to know that I can no longer have you. I know that my life will never be the same. There is a void now where there was once a miracle in the making.

I try hard to face each new day thanking God for the blessings I do have, but it is not easy. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and will for the rest of my life.

If there is any good in what has occurred, I know that I now have a special little angel in heaven who is smiling down on us with lots of love in his/her eyes - a star that shines brightly in the heavens above and I hope you know how much we miss you and love you.....and always will.......

Our Little Miracle
Waterbury, CT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My Precious Baby,

Just a few weeks ago we were thrilled, overjoyed and blessed with the news that you were growing inside of me. I admit we had fear, just six months ago we lost your sibling to miscarriage and that pain still haunts our souls.

Just a week ago we were reassured that you were fine, we saw your precious little heart beating while you danced inside my womb. We were so excited for you, your daddy had told the whole neighborhood about you. Your older brother kissed my tummy and hugged you every chance he got. He was so excited to be your big brother.

I am so sorry that my body wouldn't hold you, my heart still does and it is breaking knowing that my arms will never hold you, I will never feel your soft skin or see you smile. I know that Jesus holds you in a place where you will never hurt or cry.

Please know that your family here misses you and loves you. We await the day were we can all be together, we will never ever forget your brief but precious presences in our lives! You were truly wanted and loved.

With all my love, Mommy

My precious little one
Sartell, MN

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Daniel and Michael will be in our hearts forever.
This was such a tragic loss, a void in our lives and family.
We wish we could hold you in our arms, hear your sweet little cry.
We love you very much and wish you could watch you grow.
But we will see you again when we get to heaven to see our sweet angels.
We feel you shining down on us, like a star in night.
Your memory will live on in our heart forever.

With all our love,
Mommy and Daddy
Grandma and Grandpa Cull
Grandma and Grandpa Hensley

Lynn and Jeff Cull
Daniel and Michael Cull
10/06/97 & 02/27/98 Douglas Co. Ga, Both at Home

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I was just sitting here tonight remembering all of the hopes and dreams I made for you from the moment I knew of your beautiful presence.

I wanted so much to be the best mommy for you and to give you all the things that a little girl needs and deserves in life. I bought you a little pillow that winds up and plays a lullabye. I bought it to give you comfort for all those long nights I'm sure we would have. Now, instead of your precious little self finding comfort from it, I sleep it with it and dream of you.

From the moment you came alive in me I have loved you. That love will never go away! You are the only person I have ever loved completely and you are gone.

But I know that one day I will reunited with you up in Heaven. So until then, I send you my love and prayers everynight and I feel your wonderful presence when ever I close my eyes. Mommy loves you and misses you! Bye, my beautiful Shelbie Jo!

Love Forever,


For more of Angie's thoughts..."Shelbie Jo" by Angie 9/29/98

Harrisburg, IL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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