We had prepared for her unlike alot of our family and friends. She was planned and we had everything for her.

Everything was going great and besides going into premature labor a month and a half before she was born there was no other signs of what was to happen. There was no stress on the monitors to tell that she was in distress. They knew that she had swallowed meconium, but we didn't know how much or if the cord got around her neck and caused her too lose oxygen and her brain swelled and it never went down. She had no brain waves and no sight, hearing, eating, or no pain.

We never got to hear her cry or she never opened her eyes. We made happy memories of her and we even baptized her, but we ache for her so bad, wondering why this happened to us like I am sure everyone does.

Though, in my mind I know it could've been prevented but it won't bring her back to us.

We were so excited about our first pregnancy. We had planned and worked hard and finally decided that we could start our family, 2 years earlier than originally planned.

The pregnancy had a number of scares - doctors were concerned about her being small, they were worried that she wasn't getting enough nutrition. But all the tests came back saying that everything was OK. So we began to relax.

Our daughter, Courtney, was born on 28 Feb this year, 2 weeks early. She was small, only 5lb 11, and had a very muted cry...our first sign that things weren't good. But the doctors and midwives assured us that everything was OK.

Babies are a bit cooler when they are first born, a lot of babies don't cry, everything is OK. 11 hours later, the paediatrician came to my room saying that he was very worried, that Courtney was too lethargic.

A 9-hour battle for her life followed. And there was not a thing that any of the doctors, specialists or emergency neonatal transport team could do to stabilise her and save her.

The doctors have said that Courtney had severe metabolic acidosis - they don't know why. We watched while our precious little girl was pumped full of sodium bicarbonate, just trying to reduce the acid levels in her blood. We watched while they injected her with adrenalin to get her heart going after cardiac arrest.

And then, after the doctors told us that there was nothing they could do, we held her in our arms and watched her pass from this world. She was 20 hours old.

I can't remember holding Courtney. I know I did because I have a photo.

And there are so many things I wish I had done. I wish most of all that I had kissed her while she was alive and told her how much I loved her. I'm sure she knew, but its not the same.

My mother, sister and nephew and John's mother (her first grandchild) got to hold Courtney in the delivery room. My father, brother and John's father and sister saw Courtney in the humidicrib.

My other brother never saw her alive - it shattered him, he told mum and dad that he wished he had been able to say hello before he had to say goodbye. And he is the one who pointed out that we didn't have Courtney for 20 hours, we had her for 9 months and 20 hours.

It is so hard to imagine how much a little life can touch you, until you are in a position like this. And she touched a lot of people in her 20 hours.

And the pain is unimaginable. No matter how hard people try to help and empathise, they can forget and carry on.

I guess that is where John and I are at now - our friends, and family to a smaller extent, have moved on. There support and love have been a saving grace for us, but their pain has faded. Our journey alone is just beginning.

We're still waiting for test results. But the doctors have told us that it is very unlikely that they will be able to find out what happened to Courtney. I guess in one sense those answers will not help much - my burning question is not what happened, but why did it happen to our daughter?

A little bit of knowledge can be so damaging - they know what it was, they do not know why, they do know that genetic conditions can cause this which means it can happen again.

And where has that left us, with more questions, more fears, fewer answers. Our obstetrician saw this same thing once before, 14 years ago, and again there were no answers. Unfortunately for us, he didn't know if that couple had gone on to have other babies and take them home.

We have decided to try for another child straight away - never to replace Courtney, but we planned to have a big family.

Our families are ecstatic, but they don't understand the fears and pain that this decision can create either.

But we, and any future children, will always have a beautiful little guardian angel watching over us. And we will see her again some time. In the meantime, we learn to live without our little girl being with us in person and we have to keep looking towards the future.

I LOST MY BABY TWO WEEKS AGO TODAY. HE WAS BORN AT SIX MONTHS, I HAD PROBLEMS WITH HIM THROUGH OUT MY WHOLE PREGANANCY. THE DOCTORS TOLD ME THAT THERE WAS A CHANCE THAT HE WOULD NOT MAKE IT AND THAT I COULD TERMINATE HIM. I JUST COULDN'T DO THAT I WANTED TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

SO I WENT THROUGH WITH IT I WAS SUPPOSE TO STAY IN THE HOSPITAL UNTIL HE WAS BIG ENOUGH AND HIS LUNGS WERE MATURE. BUT UNFORTUNATLY HE WAS BORN ON THE 19 OF AUGUST AND LIVED FOR 9:52 HOURS, HE PASSED AWAY ON THE 20.

IT WAS AND IS THE HARDEST THING FOR ME. HE WAS MY FIRST BABY.

I MISS HIM SO MUCH AND IT'S LIKE I THINK ABOUT HIM CONSTANTLY. HE WAS THE CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. I REALLY WOULD APPERCIATE IT IF SOME ONE COULD TALK WITH ME AND SHARE THEIR EXPERIENCE WITH ME. I WOULD BE GLAD TO TALK TO SOME ONE ABOUT MY LOSS AS MUCH AS IT HURTS I WOULD LOVE TO TALK ABOUT IT.

Thank you so much for such a wonderful site.

My second baby, a boy Patrick James was born full term on 8/12/98 and died 32 hours later. I had a repeat c-section & he was airlifted to the closest NICU, so my husband was with him but I was still stuck in the hospital...so I only got to see my beautiful son for about 30 seconds.

The doctors have not been able to explain his death. It was a very normal pregnancy. They suspect a very rare genetic disorder.

I have so many zillions of feelings swarming around in my brain, it helped to read so many other stories and just sit here and cry !

My daughter is 4 and this has been very hard on her as well. She is begging for a baby to play with so the pages on sibling grief as well as next pregnancys was also helpful.

I know that somehow the sun will rise tomorrow...but it sure it difficult to remember.