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Along this Path


Fifth Anniversary...

I still remember what happened
like it was yesterday.
Now, I remember with a smile maybe a tear,
but with happiness that I am glad
for the time we spent togther.
Sarah
Christie William
England
11/25/97




Fifth Year Anniversary



...Five years is often one of the "hard" anniversaries because for most of us we think of our little one being more independent at this age (the "real school" age).

Many of our parents find the 1st., 5th, 13th, and 16th difficult. Each being "growing older" years. Of course, different ages can always bring some special thought to mind, but these have been the most noted years.

At SHARE we encourage parents to be gentle with themselves as these years come around - parents are usually surprised and or relieved to learn this!...Marcia McGinnis





Letters and Poems...



"CHRISTIE" by Sarah (11/97)

"My son, Jacob" by Lynette (6/98)

"In Loving Memory of Trizeale Desean Qualls 12-9-94" by Mom (/99)

"In loving memory of our son ~ 12/24/94 - 12/26/94" by Nick and Michelle (12/25/99)

"Five years latter" by Adriana (Winter '99)

"Jasmine Louella Mills & Benjamin James Mills" by Naomi

"OUR BABY BOY" by Paula (3/23/01)

"Mikaela Elizabeth, May 2, 1996" by MaryBeth (8/17/01)

"Five years, is the pain any easier?" by Victoria (2/15/03)

"My Baby Jan Sebastian" by Angie (3/14/04)







CHRISTIE

Where do you begin to grieve? When does the grieving end?

My little boy would be five now. I have had 3 more boys since and am pregnant at the moment. I still remember what happened like it was yesterday.

I knew straight away my baby had died. I tried so hard to make him move, but it was to late he had gone. I remember the silence in the delivary room. I remember looking at everybodies faces as they looked at Christie. They were all thinking the same "please baby breathe".

I remember holding him. I remember how he felt. I remember how he smelled. I remember hearing the midwife crying as she took my son away. I remember everything like it was yesterday, but not with the anger and the hurt that I felt at first. Now I remember with a smile maybe a tear, but with happiness that I am glad for the time we spent togther.

To any newly bereaved parents, it does get easier. You still remember but not in the same way you do at first.

If you do go on to have more children, it is important to remember that they will not fill the void left by your lost baby, but it is comforting to know that your lost child lives on in them.

To everybody who has lost a baby my thoughts are with you today and always.

GOD BLESS US ALL
SARAH

SARAH
Christie William
01/07/92
Stillborn
England
E-mail
11/25/97

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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My son, Jacob

I was completly heart broken when I was told my baby was no longer alive. I wanted to scream but nothing would come out.

The birth was very long and painful.

When he was born I held him for a while, and he was perfect in every way.

He was my first son, 2 daughters before him. My husband was very strong, but I knew he was feeling the pain I was.

A day never goes by that I never see his tiny face. I think of him every day. As time goes by the pain of not being able to see him easers, but the memory will never be lost.

I LOVE YOU JACOB

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

FOREVER
Lynette
Jacob David Scicluna
11-8-93
Stillborn
Sydney, Australia
E-mail
6/23/98

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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In Loving Memory of Trizeale Desean Qualls 12-9-94

It has been a five years since you came in to this world and leave right back out. But your memories will always be in my heart and I will always miss you. Love Always MOM

S.W. Kentucky
Trizeale Desean Qualls
Stillborn
Louisville, ky
'99
E-mail

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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In loving memory of our son
12/24/94 - 12/26/94

Jesse

As usual this time of year
when your birthday is so near
we think of your birth and the
few days you were here.

We never thought that on Christmas Eve
we would find out that you were a boy
and give you the name Jesse.

We don't remember much after that day,
it's all a blur.
We found out somthing went wrong
and how sick you were.

We never got to tell you all we wanted to say
our lives were changed forever after that day.
Our hearts are now scarred and the emptiness
we feel will never go away.

We'll never know what you would have been like.
We'll never know who you would have looked like.
We'll never know what you would have grown up to be.
Our time together here was just too short, you see.

Every day that goes by we think of you
and miss you so, this much is true.
Until we're together again
we'll never forget you.

Love, Mommy & Daddy



Nick & Michelle
Jesse
12/24/94-12/26/94
Died soon after birth
12/25/99
E-mail

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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"Five years later"


Our first baby. We loved him since we knew he was coming. I say "he", but I never knew the sex, I only felt that was "he", and in my thoughts he was Federico.

The pregnancy was ok. I was twenty eight years old, healthy and happy.

Suddenly: blood, pain,I donīt know. I entered the hospital, and only knew the baby had died. He had stayed with me only ten weeks, but, like you say: always in our hearts.

Nobody seemed to understand. Why are you so? The baby was so little, it was nothing.

I felt ungry, furious. People tried to help me, but sometimes they hurt.

I cried a lot.

One night, when I dŪdenīt sleep, in my mind appeared the face of a baby who smiled. Only smiled, happy and full of life.

Then I felt peace. I understood. My baby was ok, life was ok. There was a meaning that I canīt still know.

Five months after this, I realised I was pregnant again.

This time everithing was ok. Oriana is a beatiful girl of four years old, and two years later Augusto was born.

I love them with all my heart, but I never forget my first child.

Sometimes I still cry for him ( reading this page ), but It is a sweet crying.

Thank you for this page.Unfortunately I had no idea five years ago.

Thank you for sharing.

Adriana
Federico
may 8, 1994
Miscarriage
Tigre, Argentina
winter/99
E-mail

Marcia's thoughts: You have written some very loving and special thoughts around your child and your experience. Others try to help, but they can't always fully understand how we feel, can they.

Your dream about your baby is very special. Under "Making Your Child's Presence Meaningful" in Debbie's Diary, Debbie tells about her similar dream and how she drew a picture of her daughter! The picture is on the site in her diary. I think many of us have dreams such of these. Perhaps it is one way for our children to help us to know that they are safe and happy.

We will always hold these special children in our hearts and souls. I am so glad you shared your thoughts with us.

I feel honored that you have written all the way from Argentina-have you visited the Spanish speaking site that I have a link to from my site? It looks as though it is very good. I was excited to see it for our Spanish speaking friends.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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E-mail

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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OUR BABY BOY

Ben was born on the 24'th of March in my 42'nd week of a completely normal pregnancy. I was 2 weeks overdue and was expecting to have a big beautiful baby at any minute. After laboring at home for 24 hrs I went to the hospital.

After being admitted, I was told to go for a walk to get things moving. Upon returning to my room and being hooked up to the fetal heart monitor, it was obvious that something was wrong as bens heartbeat had dropped to a mere 78. I was rushed to the OR where they performed an emergency section.

Ben was born after 19 minutes of oxygen deprivation and was then revived. For the next 2 days our family loved and adored our son, their grandson and nephew.

With much agony my husband and I decided to remove life support and harvest Ben's chambers in hopes that some other family could forgo our pain.

In the weeks after Ben's death I became withdrawn and found it difficult to go on, but with love and support made it through.

Within a few months I became pregnant with twins. They are my joy.

I write this on my sons fifth birthday. Not a day passes that I don't think of my boy with his golden hair. He is in god's hands now and there is no safer place for you. Tomorrow we will release baloons for Ben so we can always celebrate his birthday.

I love you my darling boy and I pray my kisses make it to you in heaven ~ happy birthday, love, mommy

PAULA
BENJAMIN WILLIAM PAUL WINTERS
MARCH 24-26 1996
Stillborn
CANADA
3/23/01
E-mail

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Mikaela Elizabeth, May 2, 1996

We lost you just five years ago,
A sorrow that still sings
Of all the tears and emptiness
The loss of a loved one brings.

Your day of birth and burial
Turned out by chance the same,
And so each year when it comes round
We feel both joy and pain.

Our sadness comes from missing you,
And missing you from love,
And love from all the love in you
That we became part of.

Your love is still alive in us,
We feel it ever new;
Our mourningís filled with happiness
By memories of you.

By Nicholas Gordon

In Memory of Mikaela Elizabeth Nance

Born and Died on May 2, 1996

Mikaela

It has been five years now and your picture is still on my fridge. I see our neighbor who just turned five and wonder if you would be like him. You are still a part of our lives, still our first child, just as you always will be. Jenny knows you as her big sister and Mason will, too. Thank you for all that you gave us in your short life and for what your life and death continues to teach us still.

We love you.



For our Nurse Kathy

If it werenít for you, we surely would not be where we are today.
There are simply not enough words to say
To let you know what a difference you made.
Your angel wings were hidden but we saw them still,
Our aching hearts and arms you helped heal
Thank you for being our nurse that day.



MaryBeth
Mikaela Elizabeth
May 2, 1996
Stillborn
8/17/01
E-mail

(See Sibling Grief, "Special Keepsakes for Mikaela," "The Anniversary of our Daughter's Birth/Death" by MaryBeth (11/97), "New Arrivals ~ Jenny" for more of MaryBeth's thoughts and feelings.)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Five years, is the pain any easier?

Nearly 5 years after experiencing the loss of our full term still born son Amir I am filled with so many different emotions. I often wonder had things turned out differently where will I be at in life at the present moment.

So many dreams I had for that little boy; I often fantisize about how he would look now in his little uniform boarding a school bus. I humble myself with the thought of knowing that what all that is going on in the world now he is safe. But, in reality I know that those thoughts are just to really protect myself and try to believe that five years later everything is "o.k.", but it is not.

I am now entering into the 17th week of a complicated pregnancy, but I realize that my grief often over shadows my optimism. My Physician says that he is encouraged and urges that if I stick to my plan of care everything is going to turn out fine. I may be able to believe that if I did not lose Amir after 39 weeks of pregnancy.

I feel very paranoid. If only I had my son here I am sure that my optimism and drive will be so much stronger. The fact is that he is not.

I often feel the urge to visit his graveside to somehow get the approval to hope, but the fact is - I am still paralized by grief over him. So, I just pray. I pray to Amir's spirit to look after the mother who love him so much and more importantly the sibling that I am hoping to deliver safely in July. The sibling who will be as unfortunate as us his parents not to have him physically in our live. Spiritually he forever lives in us.

Victoria
Amir Jamani Jackson
041998
Stillborn
Decatur, Ga
2/24/03

E-mail

Marcia's comments: Thank you for sharing the feelings that so many share that healing cannot be measured in time. To lift from an email that I just wrote to Sarah who is writing after three years, so many people think that after six months the pain is gone and we "move-on." Well, we begin to heal, adjust, cope and know that our babies would want us to grieve and heal, but not forget them. We don't and won't forget. What we do in their memory is what is important (in my mind). Healing is very important and they would want that for us.

We are blessed to have these special little ones in our presence. We would not have chosen to have lost them, but given that we have, we make them special by working to make our own lives work in their honor. This seems, to me, to be very important. We can choose to gradually make this happen. And, yes, we dream of "what would have been" and that is normal.

My thoughts will be with you as you move through your current pregnancy. Your thoughts are also normal as to how you feel about this pregnancy. Our Subsequent Pregnancy Menu includes several diaries where people asked for me to share their thoughts that closely mirror yours. In our Subsequent Pregnancy Group, led by Polly who also shared these fears during HER subsequent pregnancy, these very issues are brought to light and discussed. I know you are an active member with us and I invite you to join our Subsequent Pregnancy group. If you would like you could receive our Subsequent Pregnancy Parent Packet by sending me your mailing address and look at some of our thoughts. Janna is also a local member who is having similar concerns during her pregnancy. Perhaps you could connect with her. Her story and situation is under:

"One year later... The story of Avery Nava"

Feeling paranoid even though your doctor is so reassuring is part of the fear that goes along with our losses. Our lives were forever changed by our losses and we walk a new path with different understandings about life and death. But, with prayer, support, and gradual healing, we can cope and survive our fears.

Having a supportive doctor and being willing to express your fears and hopes are all important for healing, surviving and coping with this pregnancy. Take care, M.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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JAN SEBASTIAN

2004 THIS YEAR ON MARCH 23RD IS YOUR 5TH BIRTHDAY. SO SOON; SO PAINFULL, SO UNFAIR THAT YOU ARE NOT HERE WITH ME. I MISS YOU MORE AND MORE. IT'S UNBELIEVABLE HOW HARD IS TO FIGHT WITH THIS PAIN AND ANGER. BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS THAT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ETERNALLY AND I DEDICATE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGS TO YOU.

I HEARD THIS SONG BY SEAN COMBS (PUFFY) AND I MADE SOME WORD CHANGES SO I CAN DEDICATE IT TO YOU; BECAUSE IT IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL.

SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY YOU WERE HERE WITH ME;
LIFE AINíT ALWAYS WHAT IT SEEMS TO BE.
WORDS CAN'T EXPRESS WHAT YOU MEAN TO ME.
EVEN THOUGH YOUíRE GONE, WE STILL A TEAM
IN THE FUTURE CANíT WAIT TO SEE
IF YOU OPEN UP THE GATE FOR ME
REMINISCE SOME TIME, THE DAY YOU LEFT
TRY TO BLACK IT OUT, BUT IT PLAYS AGAIN
WHEN ITíS REAL, FEELINGS HARD TO CONCEAL
CANíT IMAGINE ALL THE PAIN I FEEL
GIVE ANYTHING TO HEAR HALF YOUR BREATH
I KNOW YOU STILL LIVING YOUR LIFE, IN HEAVEN

EVERY STEP I TAKE, EVERY MOVE I MAKE
EVERY SINGLE DAY, EVERY TIME I PRAY
IíLL BE MISSING YOU
THINKING OF THE DAY, WHEN YOU WENT AWAY
WHAT A LIFE TO TAKE, WHAT A BOND TO BREAK
IíLL BE MISSING YOU
ITíS KINDA HARD WITH YOU NOT AROUND
KNOW YOU IN HEAVEN SMILING DOWN
WATCHING US WHILE WE PRAY FOR YOU
TIL THE DAY WE MEET AGAIN
IN MY HEART IS WHERE IíLL KEEP YOU BABY
MEMORIES GIVE ME THE STRENGH I NEED TO PROCEED
STRENGH I NEED TO BELIEVE
MY THOUGHTS I JUST CANíT DEFINE

ON THAT MORNING WHEN THIS LIFE IS OVER
I KNOW; IíLL SEE YOUR FACE

I LOVE YOU JAN SEBASTIAN. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

MAMI

SOLANGEL(ANGIE)
JAN SEBASTIAN NARVAEZ
MARCH 23,1999 - APRIL 21, 1999
Died soon after birth
RIO PIEDRAS, PUERTO RICO
12/03

E-mail

"JAN SEBASTIAN" by Angie (8/22/02)

"My Baby Jan Sebastian" by Angie (12/02 and March 26, 2003)

Marcia's Comments: Angie has been the main translator to our Spanish pages online and our Spanish materials that we now offer at SHARE Atlanta. Her dedication to helping me complete these pages has been incredible. I so appreciate all of her input and I know that many parents will benefit from her outreach. I thank her for giving of herself in memory of Jan.





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