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"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts - Along this Path

Remembering Our Babies -
Known Causes
Entries 2001


"Haley Sheyanna Lindsey" by Stephanie (1/10/01)

"Andrew" by Nicole (7/17/01)

"Makenzie Jane Smith my sweetest angel." by Jessica (9/10/01)

"Lost my Angel at 22 weeks" by Jennafer (9/25/01)

"Time does heal!" by Mary Ann (9/29/01)

"Ashley Nicole" by Holly (10/3/01)

Haley Sheyanna Lindsey

Well I had a baby die in July of 1999. The doctors tried to get me to do away with with Haley Sheyanna Lindsey and I did not. They told me she would not live though the birth and I did not give up. I had hope that maybe she would live but rest her soul she passed and left me behind.

I never once regret letting her live for the 8hours that she did. They said she was the frist baby to live with that birth defect as long as she did.

I was only 20 at her death. I miss her more today and more every day after. I can only talk to her in prayer and tell her that I love her as the same as my 2 boys. They love her like she has allways been here and they remember her like she was here today. They will always do so as long as I'm here to remind them.

So if you lost a baby or maybe one day will hold you baby - take pics. Tell the loved one you love them they can hear you. I know my Haley can hear. That's why I tell her I love her so much. Haley's mom ~ Stephanie

Stephanie Lindsey
Haley Sheyanna Lindsey
July 1999
Birth Defect

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Our sweet angel Andrew was born with a rare chromosomal abnormality called Monosomy9p, Trisomy 2q. He was born 5 weeks early due to low water.

He had a number of things wrong with him at birth. He was born with hypoplastic lungs, clubbed feet, a hole in his heart, cystic kidneys and the front lobes of his brain did not develop. We were told he should have never made it here.

It truely showed how strong my baby was.

We made the hardest decision of our lives, to take him off life-support. He would have never been able to breathe on his own, and his kidneys were due to fail. He was not a canidate for a transplant due to alll his problems. He hung in for 5 hours after we took him off support.

Andrew Nicholas Meyer
April 29,2001-May2,2001
Other/Monosomy9p, Trisomy 2q
Barnegat, NJ

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Makenzie Jane Smith my sweetest angel.

It was on Aug. 26, 2001 I went to the hospital for severe abdominal pain, I was having pre term labor contractions. They stopped them and sent me home on bed rest. On Aug 27 I went back to the hospital and found out through u/s that my water had broke and my baby was on the way. I was broken hearted because my little angel who should not to be born until Dec. 25 was leaving me.

After I had her they let me hold her, that's when I found out she was a she. I did not want to let go of her she was so perfect and beutiful. They evantually took my angel from my arms. They said she only weighed one pound and was only 11 inches.

About 45 minutes after having her they came back in my room and said that when they were cleaning her off she started to breath. The smile on my face and the tears in my eyes, I was so happy. I wasted no time going to see her in the neonatal unit. Even though I had just seen her I bust into tears because she was so tiny. My little miracle.

I spent almost all of my time with her, holding her I could not believe that this little miracle was mine. She was as big as the beanie baby her Grandma gave her. I dreaded going to sleep surprised that I did not that I slept well with the nurses constantly coming in and poking me. I woke up and ate, and I was down by her side just about all day.

I was up in my room and Sandra my angels nurse, who is an angel herslf called and said Makenzie had stopped breathing. My heart fell to the floor, and I was crushed. This was at about 7:30 p.m.

My family and I were down there till almost 11 o'clock saying our goodbyes. I washed her, changed her diaper, and dressed her, since this would be my only chance. I said my goodbyes to her in private.

This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and I definitely won't ever take anything for granted ever again. This has completely opened my eyes to a whole knew world.

With her being so small they offered free cremation, but I would not have been able to live and think that my baby was burned. So my mom and stepmom both put in $250 and the Dr. from where my mom works donated $300 and her co-workers came up with another $200. I would have a proper burial for my angel and a place to go and visit her. We bought a porcelin doll and used her dress shoes and little knickers for the funeral which fit perfect an her. The funeral was the second saddest thing I would have to go through. I never thought my first funeral would be my 1 day old daughters.

I am making it through my grieving. I am doing so many things to remember her by. I just thank God for allowing her to be with us for the time she was. She stayed with us on no life support it was her strengh to say I want to be with my mommy before I go.I love you and miss you Makenzie,love Mommy!

Makenzie Jane Smith
Died soon after birth/premature

Marcia's comments: You gave Makenzie some very special gifts during her short time with you. Being there with her was important for both of you. It is very hard for many of us to realize that we must attend our baby's funeral. This is not the way life's events are suppose to move. You gave her a very special funeral. I will include your thoughts in our "Funerals, Memorials, Memories under 'Saying Goodbye'". Other parent's "goodbyes" are shared here.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Lost my Angel at 22 weeks

The whole week before Christian was born, I wasn't feeling just right but just thought it was the ever changing feelings associated with being pregnant. At 21 weeks I was just beginning to really truly feel his little kicks. On Friday April 20th I woke up with the worst lower back pain, then went to the bathroom and saw that I was bleeding.

My fiance took me to my doctors office (I should have been going straight to the hospital). They did an ultrasound and told me that my membranes were funneling through my cervix and that we may loose the baby.

All I could think was, how can this be happening to me, I can't loose this baby. I wanted him more than anything. I couldn't understand. I had the perfect pregnancy, no vomiting, not a lot of pains and aches. Both the baby and I were healthy. I felt better pregnant than not. The terror and fear I felt was unlike anything I have ever felt.

The drive to the hospital was the longest drive of my life. After we got to the hospital they made me lay pretty much on my head and gave me medication to stop the contractions as well as morphine for the pain. On Saturday they did an ultrasound and told me the membranes were funneling back in and that if this happened they could perform a cerclage, and I should be able to hold the baby for at least a few more weeks.

The next day my lungs were filled with fluid, and they decided to take me off the medication ( the medication was causing this). I look back and wonder why they didn't try to put me on anything else instead. I was so out of it, and it upsets me that I was not in any frame of mind to make any further suggestions. I was pretty much just letting my fiance make all the decisions. (I am glad he was there.)

The doctor told us we would pretty much just have to let nature take its course. On Monday morning I could feel my baby very low in the birth canal kicking, and I knew this was it. My poor child, I wondered if he was feeling afraid or if he knew what was happeneing. I knew I didnt want him to suffer, so at that point I just wanted to deliver him. But they made me wait so they could do another ultrasound (I had to wait until the ultrasound department opened) which was totally ridiculous considering the fact that we all knew what was happening without having to have an ultrasound.

I delivered Christian Allen Lehman that morning. He lived for about 3 hours. I was so happy that God let us have that very little time with him. He was so beautiful and sweet. Such a little angel. I was amazed at how perfectly formed he was for how tiny he was.

It has been 5 months and although my relationship with my fiance has not made it through this terrible tragedy; I have, and I know that I am stronger because of it. ( I know I can handle anything.) The pain of loosing my son has not gotten any lighter. It is still a very strong pain..... my heart hurts continuously...

Jennafer/ Kevin
Christian Allen
Second trimester loss/incompetent cervix


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Time does heal!

My husband, Paul, and I gave birth to our beautiful baby boy, Declan Michael, on July 26, 2001. We were lucky enough to have him in our lives for 13 days. He passed on August 9, 2001. I prayed to God not to take our baby from us but he had bigger plans for him! I guess that he was so special that God needed him back so soon.

I delivered two weeks early and Paul and I did not have a clue anything was wrong with our little angle. The day he was born, they noticed on my ultrasound that he was skinny and his lungs were not expanding. The doctors were concerned at that point but sent me home.

I ended up calling at 8:00 PM and was then admitted because I was in labor. The labor was going fine but then in the end, he was in distress so I underwent a C-section.

Declan's muscles near his lungs were not fully developed and his rib cage was very thin. He was also club foot and the doctors said that they thought it may be some type of genetic problem or he may have some type of syndrome. Our results of the genetic testing came back negative. The doctors still today do not know what was wrong with our little angle and that was the hard part to swallow. The not knowing, the worrying about next time we want to conceive.

We would go to the hospital twice a day, and I would have anxiety every day we would go because I knew I would have to say "goodbye" and leave him.

The day he passed, the hospital called us. We did not get there in time but did get to hold him. He looked so peaceful! My eyes filled with tears and as we all feel, that big empty feeling came over me! That is one of the hardest feelings that empty feeling. Not being able to hold our little ones, watching them grow, their first words, watching our partners interact with them, and just to be able love them makes all of our hearts ache!

Monday (September 24th), of this week was my first day back at work. I work with great friends. They all welcomed me back with open arms and cried with me. I knew once I got over that first day, I would be on my road to recovery with my co-workers!

If there is anything that I have learned and I hope this really helps all of you, is that all of our little angels purposes were to not only to effect our own personal lives in a better way, but if you really think about it, our angels effected all of our loving friends and family!

Please remember that "this too shall pass". It will be difficult but we all have the power to be strong. We will never forget our angels, but they were here for a purpose and you each have to find what you believe was their purpose and hopefully, it will put you at peace! In death, life has changed but not ended!

If any one would like to e-mail me, please do. I think our open lines of communication is our best healer!

My heart goes out to everyone! With much love, Mary Ann

Mary Ann
Declan Michael Forde
Died soon after birth/
developmental problems -
but not sure of reason...


Loss touches Mary Ann's family and Mary Ann takes leave at the office...(9/17/01)

Finding, over a period of time, meaning in all of this is one healer. If our child's presence has meaning then we know how important s/he was to us - and often to others. For some, it takes years before this is ALL understood. We weave in and out of periods of "partial understanding" and "what a waste." That's part of the process of grief and healing.

Making our child a meaningful part of "who we are" is a focus of our group. If we can weave his/her presence into our fabric then we will hold our little one in our hearts forever and know that they are always safe "with us." My three in heaven and my sons here on this earth have all been part of who I am today. In many of our memorial services and gatherings we share our children's "gifts." We also remember that we would rather have had them with us and that the gradual recognition of their gifts IS part of the healing process - if we will allow it. In our "Angel of Hope" section there are several pages that are entirely devoted to the gifts of our babies or how we have given meaning to their presence is our lives.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"Ashley Nicole"

Well my name is Holly and I am 34 years old. I recently had my 4th baby whom I named Ashley Nicole McArdle. She had the most beautiful head of black hair and so perfect.

The night I had Ashley, the baby dr from the hospital came in and asked that we allow them to transport her to AI DuPont Childrens Hospital in Wilmington Delaware where they can take a good look at her heart. They heard a hollow heartbeat.

Yhey came and got my baby and the next morning they knew what was wrong with my baby and had her all scheduled for surgury. Lil Ashley was suffering from a heart defect called Transposition of the Great Arteries. The drs told me that if all went well with the operation, she would be home in a week to 10 days.

That 10 days turned into an eternity because Lil Ashley had her surgury at the age of 3 days old and another one at the age of 4 days old and died 10 days later. She fought so hard to live, and for some reason which I really do not understand right now.

Why GOD did this to me and to her. Why bring this little baby into the world just to have her go though all that pain. I just wanted to take the pain away from her. It killed me each time I walked into the CICU, and that baby was in pain. I cried out for GOD to help her, but I guess his answer which I will not understand for a long time is to have her on his lap watching over me.

I have been in counciling over this. It is not going all that well, but I am trying to get on with my life. Ashley would want me to do that I think. BUT I NEED ANSWERS on WHY ?????

Thanks for Listening,


Holly Disney
Ashley Nicole McArdle (Brown)
Died soon after birth/
Transposition of the Great Arteries


Marcia's Comments: Your question to "why" is one we all ask - many times over. The pain that we fear our child may have suffered and the pain we go through as we move through the experience is very intense and very real. If you will take time to read through some of what is on this site, I hope that it helps you see that we gradually work through the pain, the whys, and begin to want to survive this loss - as you said, because our babies would want us to. But, it takes time and work to walk this walk. It isn't easy. With time and effort many of us work to make our special child a piece of our fabric - to give meaning to this awful tragedy. I often say that all five of my children, three in heaven, two sons here on earth, have help to mold who I am today. The section "Making Your Child's Life Meaningful" (in our Drop Down Box) addresses this fact.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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