SHARE Atlanta Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Grief Support My*Our Experiences

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"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts - Along this Path

Remembering our babies -
Midterm Loss - unknown or uncertain causes
Entries 2001 - 2003.

I expected to hear you cry or wimper

but nothing was heard.

And that's when I knew I truly loved you.

Angel Thelma Dianne
7 May 2001

"Our Precious 2nd Son, Sean" by Jill (2/8/01)

"Hope Gassaway" by Gina (2/28/01/)

"An Angel Only Lent" by Michelle (5/26/01)

"In Memory of Charles ~ Mourning the Loss of My Child Twice" by Valerie (1/4/02)

"My Story ~ Amy Dawn Mountney" by Jen (2/15/02)

"Hi, my name is Shannon" by Shannon (3/7/02)

"WHY DOES IT HURT SO BAD?" by Ashiya (6/10/02)

"Our Little Angels" by Kellie (8/23/02)

"For my love Christain Michael" by Angel (9/5/02)

"To my baby Jamie," by Sheri (9/9/02)

"Jordan and Jayden My Angel Boys" by Mary (10/30/02)

"Loss of Innocence" by Nina (11/20/02)

"Our Precious 2nd Son, Sean"

Well, my first statement would be to say that this "support group" is not one I had ever dreamed of joining. Unfortunately just like the rest of you, I too lost a baby. Yes, it happened to ME! It's been just one month now and a part of my healing is to write this.

I found out I was expecting my second child when my first son turned one. I was extremely shocked because my husband and I weren't even trying. I was elated because we had actually conceived on our own! We had to work hard for our first son by going to a fertiliy specialist. I had actually become pregnant once even before my first son which ended in miscarriage back in July of '97. We had tried again for a year after that to no avail which is when I was referred to a specialist. I became pregnant with my first son after only 5 months of going to the specialst. Even then I was told I would miscarry because my hormone levels were not rising as high and fast as they should even with me supplementing progesterone. Miraculously, to my doctor's surprise, I continued with the pregnancy and gave birth to my first son in July of '99. I decided not to go back on the pill thinking why? I had such a hard time getting pregnant with my son so the chances of me getting pregnant again would be slim. NOT SO!!

It was one week after my son's birthday party that I started feeling a bit ill, tired and realized that I'd been using the bathroom a lot. It dawned on me that I just might be pregnant again. I thought no way, could I be? I decided to do a pregnancy test and sure enough I was! I couldn't believe it, I was going to be a Mommy again. My son was the first to know even though he had no clue as to what I had just told him. My mind was racing. I couldn't wait to tell my husband, he wasn't home at the time. I was very happy, surprised and scared all at the same time. I had every darn right to be scared, I miscarried my very first and was told I would miscarry my son.

The next morning, Monday, I called my doctor and told him that I wanted to be put on progesterone suppliments again. He certainly agreed knowing my history. I was on pins and needles the first few weeks. I finally heard my baby's hearbeat at 12 weeks. I finally could let a little breath out once I heard that beautiful bump-ba-bump-ba-bump. Like most women, myself included, I thought once I got passed the first 12 weeks everything would be ok. I can NEVER feel that way again. Although when I was pregnant with my first son I never really felt relieved until I hit about 7 months knowing that if he was born that early his chances of survival were pretty good. I wasn't completely relieved until his Mommy was holding him safe in her arms. Fortunately that day came.

Things were going good with this pregnancy so far. We had the sonogram at 20 weeks and everything was fine. We found out we were having another boy which is exactly what we wanted. Our boys would be only 20 months apart which was great to us. I was already dreaming of them being best buddies, reusing my first son's baby clothes, having to get a tandem stroller, etc. I felt everything was falling right into place, God was blessing me so much. I had always said that I wanted 2 children by the time I was 30 (I was going to be having this child while 30 and that was ok with me), I wanted my children close in age, and we were having another boy! I thought WOW! this is great.

The Holidays came and went very happily and fulfilled. I was approaching 6 months into my pregnancy and still all seemed ok until I was 6 months to the day. On Saturday January 6th my husband, son and I had been out to dinner with my in-laws. We went over to my brother-in-laws for a visit then returned home. After putting my son to bed I lied down on the couch to do some reading, pregnancy material of course. After lying there a few moments I told my husband that I just realized I hadn't felt the baby move that day. It just seemed to dawn on me all of a sudden. It was hard to notice sometimes with still being busy with a 17 month old. I didn't worry too much at that point thinking the baby must have been sleeping during the times I was resting that day or he was just having a lazy day.

My son woke up about 5:30 am the next morning crying. I went to get him and just decided to bring him to bed with us for the rest of the morning. I lied in bed not able to get back to sleep. I decided to try and make the baby move. I pushed on my stomach many times and felt nothing. I really started to get scared then. I could feel my pulse beating on my stomach and hoping it was the baby moving but I knew it was beating to fast to be him. After praying to God to place His hand on my stomach to give me some sense of calmness I finally fell back asleep after about an hour.

Once we were all up I continued with my motherly duties and started my normal weekend routine. I turned on the cartoons for my son, fed him breakfast, put on a load of clothes, etc. I was sort of depressed about not feeling the baby move. Hoping I was wrong and over exaggerating I figured once I ate some breakfast he should get moving. I ate my breakfast but my baby still wasn't moving. I started slipping into a deep depression then. My husband would come up periodically from the basement and ask about the baby. I sadly responded "I still haven't felt him move".

I laid my son down for his nap at around 1 pm. I came down to lie on the couch again just to see if I could get the baby to move. I was debating calling the doctor again thinking I might be over reacting. All of a sudden the worst terrible feeling came over me and I told my husband to bring me the phone and get my doctor's number. The doctor on call told me to drink a glass of apple juice and lie on my left side for about and hour and if I still didn't feel movement to come on in to the hospital. I couldn't wait that long. After only 20 minutes I told my husband that I think we needed to go on in. We quickly got ready, got a neighbor to stay with my son and was on our way.

Once at the hospital they took us to a room and I lied down on the bed until the nurse got the belt monitor ready. She placed the monitor on my stomach many times in different places to try and find the heartbeat. Nothing. My heart was already breaking and I softly started to cry. The nurse said that she was going to get a doppler and try with that. I told my husband that if they couldn't find it with the belt monitor they surely wouldn't find it with the doppler. Those things seem to be ancient anyway. This time another nurse even tried and still nothing. I continued hoping for the best but already knew the what the outcome was going to be. My husband tried keeping my spirits up saying don't cry, be still, we don't know yet. I knew. The nurse said to the other nurse, "have you paged him yet"? I knew she was talking about the doctor.

They came in wheeling a sonogram machine. The doctor did it himself. I know what a hearbeat looks like on a monitor screen and I didn't see it. The doctor was moving the detector all around my belly saying nothing. I simply turned to my husband saying "there's no heartbeat". The doctor gently placed his hand on mine saying "I'm so sorry, just so sorry". My husband had hope the whole time up until those words. He broke down crying. I've never seen my husband cry in the 7 1/2 years we've been married. We both just hugged each other and cried into each others chest.

Sean was born on January 9, 2001. He was just a few days past 27 weeks of gestational age. God had mercy on me in not allowing me too much physical pain. He knew the mental pain of such an event would be far too much in itself. My son Sean was 2 lbs, 15 1/2 in. long. Gee, preemies have weighed less than that and still survive to grow to become strong normal beings. The whole time during my labor I was hoping and praying that my baby would have actually still been alive, maybe he could be saved.

My precious gift from God was returned to his Creator a few days before his earthly delivery. His skin was a little dark and had started to peel. I didn't care what he looked like, he was my baby, my son. I held my son for quite some time. I sang him the only song that seemed appropriate, "Amazing Grace". I could hardly get out the words, no one standing close could have understood what I was singing. My husband had to go to the bathroom in the room to cry, he just couldn't take it. I wanted so bad to hug my husband at that point but I knew I would have plenty time for that. Right then I needed to hold my deceased baby as long as possible. I whispered all sorts of things in his ear. I told him how much we loved him and would miss him and always would. I told him that I bet one of my dear and precious aunts in Heaven had already been caressing him days before I had a chace to. I told him that I was sorry that he would not get to come home with his Mommy and Daddy and get to meet his big brother.

We had Sean baptized by the hospital chaplin. It seemed like the right thing to do. My dear sister was there to take pictures which I'm so glad I had her do that. At times it all seems like a blur now. I continued to hold my son a little longer until I knew time was drawing near that he would need to go. We sadly said our goodbye's (until later) and softly kissed his head. We told him we loved him very, very much and would miss him dearly.

I called the nurse to let her know we were ready. She came in, I gently handed over my son to her. She discretly carried him out of the room. The room quickly filled with more tears and wailing. I already wanted him back in my arms even though he was in the arms of God.

I wrote this poem for my son Sean.

"For you are with God"

For your little feet will never take their first steps across my floor
For your delicate arms will never reach for my warm embrace
For your small hands will never wrap around my fingers
For your tiny lips will never pucker to kiss mine
For your tongue will never taste my nurishing milk
For your little nose will never smell my wonderful scent
For your beautiful eyes will never get to see my loving smile
For your little head will never grow hair for me to brush
For your tiny ears will never hear the sweet words "I love you"
For you are now with God, these pleasures are His
For you are with God, may He be with me.

Love, Mommy
written January 26, 2001 at 12:40 am

Sean Martin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Hope Gassaway

I would like to share our loss with others who are willing to listen. I have found that talking about our daughter helps a little. My husband just joined the navy. A few days after he left for boot camp, I found out I was pregnant with our third child. We have two other beautiful daughters.

At first we were nervous but that soon turned into excitement. I started to show very early on this pregnancy. My due date was still uncertain because the ultrasound was dating it further than the date of my last period. As of the last ultrasound I had, she was due July 17, 2001.

I had an ultrasound every few weeks and one of them showed something else in the picture with a beating pulse. They were not sure if I was having twins or not so four weeks later I went back and found that there was only one baby. Then I had another appointment three weeks later to finally start my measuring and heart beat checks.

I had felt the baby move two weeks prior and not after that so I was concerned about that. The doctor office tried to reschedule me but I demanded I be seen that day. I went in and I was measuring right along but when the doctor checked the heart beat, there wasn't one. They did an ultrasound and sent me to the hospital to confirm. They did confirm that our baby's heart had stopped beating two weeks before. I was devestated.

I was sent to labor and delivery, I was 17-19 weeks but the baby was only 15 weeks gestation. The doctor inserted some seaweed caps into my cervex with some gauze and sent me home for the night. I had to have help with my kids because I was cramping so much. The next morning I was admitted into the hospital where they took out the seaweed and inserted a pill that started my labor that night. My water broke and then at 9:55pm Hope was delivered. My placenta would not expell so they did a D&C as well.

My husband flew in the next morning. He was here for two weeks to help with the cremation and all the other details that were hard for me to do. He just left Sunday night and I am having a very hard time dealing with everything. I would really appreciate all the support and listeners I can get. Please help. Thank you. Gina

Hope Gassaway
Second trimester loss

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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An Angel Only Lent

I, too, like many mothers around, have given birth. Although what is exceptional about my experience was that my daughter was stillborn. Me, a 17 year old, was given the chance on the 7 May 2001 to give birth to Angel at only 21 weeks pregnant.

This chapter of my life begin on the 19th Feb, when all my suspicions were confirmed. Your father and I had debated about the day this would happen but never expected you to become part of our family so soon, nevertheless the news of our newcomer was welcomed with open arms. To be honest I never dreamt I would be pregnant, but when I first found out I was overwhelmed with tears, tears of happiness. It's alittle scary knowing that I would have become a teenage mother, but I was ready to what I had to.

My excitement has aburptly come to an end when on the 6th of May I was rushed to hospital with contractions and heavy bleeding. I was scared and didn't know what I was happening. But an ultrasound that Monday confirmed what I already knew, but refused to believe, you my precious baby had died.

Later that day at 1 pm I was induced, and you came along at 8.17 pm. I expected to hear you cry or wimper but nothing was heard. And that's when I knew I truly loved you.

Angel Thelma Dianne
7 May 2001
New Zealand

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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In Memory of Charles
Mourning the Loss of My Child Twice

In July I went to my ob/gyn to get my anual papsmear, and I get the best news - my doctor tells me I am pregnant. Then we had to have an ultra-sound since my period is so irregular. I had to have several ultrasounds to determine what my due date was, it had been changed three times.

Then on August 22, 2001 I started to spot. I called my doctor, and he saw me right away. My doctor told me everything was fine and not to worry. But since I had lost a baby before I was going to be very careful with this pregnancy.

After this incident I cut back on doing everything. Then the bleeding continued and they gave me another ultrasound and 2 doctors said that everything was fine go home and relax. I was to stay in bed for a week to see if the bleeding would stop. The following week I went in for my appt., and I had stopped bleeding the doctors said that we looked good everything was on track.

So 2wks later when I started to bleed again I called my doctor right away, he sent me straight to get an ultrasound. Everything on the ultrasound looked good, good heart tone everything. My doctors response to me was "Valeri, Some woman bleed while they are pregnant so don't worry."

Knowing me thats all I do is worry because I didn't want to do anything to harm my baby. I totally cut my workload 75% so I could try and relax more. Then my doctor says that he wants to see me in 2wks. Two wks passed and everything is fine other than a little indigestion, my appt was on 10/02/01 Tuesday at 9:30am which is also our 10th wedding anniversary. By this time I am 16wks pregnant.

I go to the doctors that morning and the first thing I find out is the sex of my baby because his legs were wide open. Then another doctor walks in the room where I am having my ultrasound, and I ask what is wrong then all of the sudden I realize their is NO heartbeat. I jumped and asked the doctors where is the heartbeat - why can't I hear it.

That's when one of the doctors hands me a box of tissue and said "Your baby is dead". I thought I was going to die right their on the table. I find out on my 10th anniv. that my baby has died, and what I thought was indigestion was labor pains.

Then my doctor says that he wants me to go natural, so we waited but come Thursday 10/04/01 I could not wait any more. It was KILLING me emotionally walking around with a dead baby inside me. So they put me in the hospital an induced labor.

When I left the hospital I was bleeding really bad. Then for 5wks of heavy bleeding, meanwhile I am getting sick. I go to a Specialist to see if they can find out why out of 5 pregnancies I only have 1 child. When I see him I also tell him about the bleeding still so he gave me an ultrasound to see if there was anything wrong. Needless to say he told me I needed to be admitted back in the hospital to have a DNC that I still had a portion of the PLACENTA left in me - that is what was making me sick (you can die from this type of infection).

So on 11/09/01 they admit me back in the hospital for a DNC. This time they get everything.

Let me tell you I honestly thought I was doing really good with the grieving and everything but when they told me I had to go back in the hospital it was like losing my baby all over again. This time I am not able to handle that much.

All I do is cry any more. I turn the TV on I cry, I listen to the radio I cry, I go into a store and I cry. I know that I should be thankful for my daughter that has just turned 9yrs old and I am, but I have wanted another baby for so many years it is truely hurting my heart, that for some unknown reason I keep lossing my babies.

I just hope one day soon I will be able to pull myself out of the depression I can feel myself falling into. The thing I have to keep telling myself is that God would not have taken a healthy child from me that he and only he knows what is best for me and my baby.

God Bless,
Valeri Parker
Lawrenceville, Ga
Second trimester loss
Lawrenceville, GA

Marcia's Comments: If you haven't already, please consider calling our number and receiving our Parent Packet. You will also receive a year's subscription to our parent centered newsletter. Our site has information about our Angel and memorial brick pathway in Sandy Springs. It may help to have a brick in memory of your special baby. I know it has helped me and many others.

You have had numerous losses and each one adds to the hurt. Of course, your living daughter is very special, too, but she does not replace or take the place of your other children. I often say, all of my children, the three in heaven and the two here on this earth have helped to make me who I am today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My Story ~ Amy Dawn Mountney

My daughter, Amy Dawn, was stillborn at 23 weeks on February 5, 2000. From the beginning of my pregnancy I had a feeling that something was wrong. I felt so scared that our baby would die, I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to see people. I was petrified that our baby would die. Amy Dawn is our first child so I hadn't been pregnant before and I didn't know what to expect. Part of me wondered if I had the regular first-time mom fears but looking back now I see that I knew that my baby would die.

I remember asking my husband Ben not to tell anyone I was pregnant until we passed the three month mark. I was so scared that I would miscarry our precious baby. I remembered a friend telling me how they told everyone as soon as they found out they were pregnant and how after two short months they lost their baby and had to face all the cruel 'It was meant to be' comments. I was determined that I would not put myself through that.

Looking back after she died, I regretted not telling others earlier, most people only knew about Amy Dawn for two months. So when she died it wasn't so hard for them, they didn't know about her, they hadn't met her and it was easy for them to forget about her and to not recognize our need to grieve for her. I think for a lot of people she didn't exist, they didn't see me when I was pregnant, they didn't see her on the ultrasound, they didn't know how much we love her.

I went through my pregnancy counting the days. I felt so good when I passed another week. One less week to go, one week closer to the day we would meet our precious child. I had planned a homebirth and wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted our child to know how much he or she was loved. I wanted our baby to have the best possible start in life. I went to the midwives and did all that I could to learn about pregnancy and how I could help my baby to develop and grow in a healthy environment.

I had spotting at six weeks and again at ten weeks. I was so scared that I would lose our precious baby. The midwives said that some women spotted and their babies were fine and others spotted because they were going to miscarry. It was such a scary time.

Because we didn't tell anyone about our baby, except for a couple of friends and my mother-in-law guessed, I didn't have the support of being able to share my fears with friends. I was a part of two email support groups for pregnant women and talking to these women did help but looking back I wish we had told others maybe then I would have had the support I needed.

I was so tired and drained most of the time. I could hardly get anything done. I felt guilty for not eating as healthily as I'd wanted to but it was such a struggle to make a meal, to do anything really. I spent a lot of time at my in-law's house, our water stunk and so we got water from their house I'd drive over there to pick up water and I wouldn't have the energy to drive home again. So I'd stay there. My mother-in-law would tease me about being tired all the time and it really hurt, I felt like I couldn't talk to her and yet she was one of the few people that knew I was pregnant, so what choice did I have?

I kept counting the days until we would reach fourteen weeks. The weekend before I got to fourteen weeks I started to bleed, I was so scared. So scared that I would lose our precious baby. I was alone that weekend. My husband was at work, he wasn't as scared as I was. And in his mind we needed the money.

I tried calling a friend, Bettina, to come over and be with me, she knew I was pregnant, but even she had something more important to do. She wanted to be with her boyfriend! I couldn't believe it. My baby might be dying and I was alone. My midwife, Zoe, did come over that evening as soon she got the chance and I heard our baby's heart beating. I was so relieved and yet so scared because I was still bleeding. We even heard my placenta swooshing around. Zoe gave me a hug before she left. I was hoping Ben would have got home before she left but he just missed her. I wish he could have heard our baby's heart beating.

The ultrasound clinic wasn't open on Saturday so I had to wait until Monday to find out what was happening. It was a long weekend. Ben was at work and Bettina wouldn't come over until she saw her boyfriend, I was alone.

Monday Bettina went with me to the ultrasound clinic. The technician showed me our baby, I just fell in love when I saw her. I couldn't believe it, this was real. We were actually having a baby. I asked about pictures but they suggested I wait until the 18 week ultrasound when the pictures would be clearer. I left there feeling so excited having seen our baby.

next day I had my appointment with my midwife, she said they found nothing wrong. They couldn't see any bleeding from my womb and that I was okay. I couldn't understand it. I still had that really horrible feeling that something was wrong but I thought they knew what they were doing.

That night we told our parents about our baby. I bought pink and blue gift bags with bibs inside them. The grandmothers got a pink bag and the grandfather got a blue bag. The bibs said 'I love Grandma' and 'I love Grandpa' on them. My mom was so excited. She started beaming and saying over and over again how excited she was to become a grandma. She even gave us a little sleeper that night.

I called all the extended family and didn't know how to tell them, I felt like they should have stopped me. Of course they didn't. They were excited too.

After the ultrasound and hearing that they saw nothing wrong, I really started to enjoy being pregnant and to plan for our baby. My mom took me shopping for maternity clothes and everywhere we went she told people that I was her daughter and that I was 14 weeks pregnant. She was so excited.

I wanted to finish my Montessori course so that I would be able to raise our child in the Montessori way. I was taking the course by correspondence and had found it difficult to keep up with but I was going to do it for our baby.

I went to the maternity store and bought myself maternity bras and underwear. I got maternity clothes for Christmas too. Christmas was the first time we saw all of our family since telling them about our baby. I will always remember that day and how special that was.

Ben and I looked at baby furniture in Wal-mart and found the cutest Noah's Ark theme. We started making plans for renovating, to make a nursery for our baby.

Ben would be going to school in January for two months as part of his apprenticeship training. We planned on staying with friends in the area while he was away at school.

January was such a difficult month for me. This horrible fog came over me, I was easily depressed and so confused. I felt like there was no future for our baby. I was so scared and yes again I was alone a lot. Sometimes I went with Ben to school and other times I stayed home alone. This fog, this horrible feeling, stayed with me until the day our baby died.

I was trying to prepare for life with our baby, trying to work on my Montessori course, trying to eat healthily, trying to do things while I had the energy. After I passed fourteen weeks I started to have more energy and was able to get things done that I wasn't able to have done before.

I was so confused. I felt like we were wrong for having a baby. That people must have thought we were retards for having a baby, what could we have given a baby? These feelings got worse and worse until the day our baby died.

I don't know what happened, what caused her death. I have so many theories. Sometimes I wonder if it was because of the bad water we had in the beginning of my pregnancy, the water really stunk, Ben found an animal had fallen into the well and he put javex in the well to clear it up. I was very unhappy about it, it didn't feel right but I didn't know what to suggest and I didn't even know I was pregnant at the time. When I was bleeding at 13 weeks and I was alone I had hopes that my friend might come over and comfort me, stupidly I moved some heavy boxes which of course resulted in more bleeding. I have often wondered if that caused our baby's death. As I began to grow I lost my sense of balance and one day in December while at a friend's house I fell down her stairs....I felt so scared, so scared that our baby would die. I felt this swooshy feeling....I called the midwife later (after the visit) and she said I was probably feeling movement...that it felt swooshy at first.

Two days before our daughter died, we were driving home from Ben's grandparents' house, we'd had dinner there. I stayed too late helping Grandma put pictures into albums and Ben was tired. I was too tired to drive home and he was angry because he had to get up in the morning. So he drove home really fast, at one point he passed someone and it really looked to me like we were going to hit the oncoming car. I freaked, I couldn't believe he was driving so recklessly when I was pregnant. I yelled at him and he backed off and got behind the car he was passing and I tensed up, Amy Dawn hit me so hard, so hard, she'd never hit me that hard before. Instantly this thought popped into my head about how you should be calm when you are pregnant. And I immediately forced myself to calm down.....not to say that I was calm but I forced my body to know I never felt her move after that.....that night we went home and I was so scared, she wasn't moving.

But I was too out of it to think of going to the hospital or calling my midwife. I don't even remember if I felt her move the next day. All I know is that two days later I was in the kitchen working on my Montessori course when I felt her last movements. She was saying goodbye and I was barely paying attention. I was trying to work on the course so I would be ready when she was born and she was dying inside of me.

I remember how empty I felt that day. How I had to go out, I just had to go out and buy those Winnie the Pooh pyjamas that I'd wanted and my car wouldn't start. I'd plugged it in but it wouldn't start. I was so frustrated. Finally when Ben came home I took his car which smelled like cigars and I had a hell of a time trying to drive the thing but I got it to the store. I tried on those Pooh pyjamas I thought they would be perfect while I was pregnant. I remember looking in the mirror in the change room and putting my hand on my belly and feeling nothing.

I went home the next day, Ben would be home the day after that. On the way home I felt no kicks. I remember feeling like that was wrong. It was a two and a half hour drive and I'd felt her kicking before as I drove. The next day I called the midwife because I hadn't felt the baby kicking....she thought it was early that the baby wouldn't kick as much and that perhaps the baby had turned. I didn't think she was right, it didn't sound right but I had to hold onto something. She told me to lie down and have some juice and if in two hours I didn't feel the baby kicking to call her. I had the juice and laid down. I felt movement but it wasn't the same. Later I realized it was my womb trying to start labour.

I was too scared to call the midwife to find out what had happened, to scared to go to the clinic and learn that our baby had died.

Ben came home that evening I'm sure I must have told him how scared I was. He thought everything would be okay. He thought I should wait until my regular appointment on Wednesday with the midwife....and so I did. I spent the next day (Saturday) at his parent's house working on my course. Near the end of the day when I still felt no movement, I got frustrated and shook my belly in hopes of producing movement and then immediately felt guilty that I had killed my child. I decided that I would just focus and pay attention so I could feel our baby moving. I sat down on the couch and put my hands on my belly. Ben's mom asked if the baby was doing ballet or football. I told her 'Nothing', feeling so empty.....I don't even know if she responded...I can't remember.

As the weekend progressed, I felt worse and worse, so scared that our baby had died. I couldn't go to church with Ben on Sunday. He'd called me from church to encourage me to come, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't face those happy people and pretend that things were okay.

Monday I was talking to a friend who was also pregnant. She had had a baby before and told me that the midwife was probably right and that I was probably just worrying. I am a worrier so I thought maybe she was right.

The fear kept haunting me....Tuesday I knew that if I wanted my sister to see me pregnant that I would have to have her over that very night. So I did. And she felt my tummy and tried to talk to our baby....after she left I knew. I knew our baby had died. Our baby should have moved with my sister poking and rubbing my tummy.

Wednesday was the day of the appointment. It was to be at one o'clock, I remember when we booked it how strange it felt....all my other appointments had been at nine. One hour before the appointment I had a great fear come over me, I would know what happened. I had planned on stopping at two friends' houses to pick up maternity clothes and was going to call them to say I would be by, but knew I should wait to see what happened at the appointment.

I don't know how I got there. I was so scared. When my midwife saw me, she asked what was wrong. I told her how scared I was, I hadn't felt the baby moving for such a long time. I hadn't gained very much weight and I was so small. She too thought that the baby had moved so I couldn't feel her movements and that if I ate more I would gain weight. She thought things would be okay. After that the shock set in, she measured my belly, she showed me where the baby's head and bum were. She tried to hear the baby's heartbeat with a wooden cone and couldn't get it. It didn't surprise me as she wasn't able to get it with that at the last appointment. When she couldn't get the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler it didn't phase me. I thought the baby must be in a funny position. She became concerned and told me that she couldn't find a heartbeat and that she was going to get another midwife to see if she could get a heartbeat. When Kirsten couldn't find a heartbeat, Tama broke the news to me, 'Jen, we think the baby has died.' It couldn't be real. How could it be real? How could our baby have died? I didn't want to believe it, they had to be wrong.

They decided that it would be best to go to the hospital to have an ultrasound to check for a heartbeat. I hoped against hope that they were wrong, that our baby was alive and well. Tama gave me a hug and I cried on her shoulder. It couldn't be real. I couldn't even call Ben, he was still in school at this point, two and a half hours away. I asked her to drive me to the hospital, there was no way I could have driven there. I felt so empty on the way, so scared....she asked me if I wanted to call his family, to get his mom to come with me to the hospital, I said no. I wanted Ben to know first.

On the way Tama asked me about how we met, it was the last thing I wanted to talk about, but I told her how we met and fell in love. She told me about her boyfriend, it didn't seem possible that our baby could really be dead. As we talked it was like what happened at the clinic wasn't real. But as we pulled up to the lights before the hospital, I knew it was real.

We went up to the maternity ward and I had to fill in some paperwork. Tama got a room and we tried to find a heartbeat with the machine there but couldn't. I remember her saying how loud it was, all it was picking up was my heartbeat. She asked me if I was okay and handed me some of their sandpaper-like tissues.


She went and got a doctor to get an ultrasound. I tried calling Ben and got the answering machine and left a message for him to call me, saying it was very important. He called me back and was afraid when he realized he was calling the hospital. I told him what had happened and I heard his heart break over the phone. I felt so bad for him that he couldn't be there with me. I told him that we were waiting for the doctor to do the ultrasound to see if he could see a heart beating.

The doctor came in and I said that I would call him back after the ultrasound. The first thing the doctor said was 'She barely looks pregnant'. I couldn't believe it. He acted like I wasn't even there.

There was no heart beating on the ultrasound. I had hoped that there would be. That our baby would be okay. He told Tama that our baby's spine was curled and that you wouldn't see that in a live baby. Right in front of me like I wasn't even there. The doctor told me that he was not an ultrasound technician and that I would have to be checked in the morning by the radiologists at the hospital to confirm the baby's death. (They were closed at this point.) He asked me what I wanted to do if the ultrasound was correct, when I wanted to be induced. I had no idea. I couldn't even think. I didn't even know when Ben would be home...this was Wednesday, so I picked Saturday. I called Ben back feeling so empty inside and told him what had happened, there was nothing to say but I couldn't let him go.

Tama drove me back to the clinic to get my car and asked if I would be okay to drive home. I told her I would be even though I knew I wouldn't. On the way home I wanted to drive into the oncoming traffic, I just wanted to die. The only thing that stopped me was the thought that it wouldn't be fair to Ben to lose his wife and baby.

I went home and packed some clothes, Ben thought I should spend the night at his parents' house, and called to see if I could come over. His dad laughed and said I could. I didn't tell him over the phone.

When I got there he was plowing the driveway, I squeezed my car in and left it running, I couldn't sit there waiting. When I went in, his mom asked me if I had a bad day and she gave me a hug. I told her that the baby had died. She didn't believe me at first. Then she went right to the dishes, Ben's aunt was there too. Her eyes were filled with tears. I felt so empty, I couldn't even cry, I felt guilty that I wasn't crying and wanted to tell them that I did care even though I wasn't crying. I hadn't eaten anything all day so I asked for something to eat.

Then Ben's dad came in from shoveling the driveway, his mom told him. He gave me a hug and told me that line from'The Lord gave and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord' (It felt comforting at the time.)

I called my mom that night to tell her Ben's dad would be over to boost her car (she'd called me that morning to say she needed a boost) and ended up telling her. I knew she would ask about the baby, she'd been asking every time we talked. She screamed out 'NOOOO!!' and started crying on the phone. She wanted to come with me to the ultrasound the next day.

I stayed with his parents that night, I remember going to bed, feeling so empty, wearing those Pooh bear pyjamas. We got up early in the morning called the hospital, picked up my mom and sister and went to the hospital. I remember looking out the window feeling so empty and just not being able to believe that our baby was dead. I went in to do the ultrasound alone.

The technician took many different pictures and left me for a moment until the other person came in. I wanted to take the doppler and see my baby but didn't want to get into trouble. I wish now I'd asked to see our baby that day. He came in and told me that he was sorry, that the pregnancy wouldn't continue and that it wasn't my fault. He put his hand on my shoulder as I laid there crying. He asked me if I wanted him to tell my family but I told him no that I would do it.

After I got dressed, I freaked out thinking how would I ever tell them or answer their questions. So I asked him to tell them. He took us into a private hallway and told them. They didn't have any questions for him.

He called my midwife and we had to wait to see if the doctor's plan would have changed. We got breakfast at the cafe and waited for his answer. I have no idea what we talked about. I suppose they were in shock as much as I was. I know we weren't crying. He came back and told us the plans were the same, induction on Saturday.

That day Tama came over and we went over plans for the birth. I still wanted to have a homebirth but that wasn't an option. The last thing I wanted was to be induced. I'd wanted everything to be natural. We went over our plans and she talked to me about homeopathics. The next day I got some homeopathic remedies to start, in hopes that they would start my labour going.

Ben came home that evening. It was so good to finally hold him. His mom asked if we wanted to stay for supper. We didn't. We needed to be alone. The friend we'd been staying with had sent Ben a letter of condolence and a gift. The gift was an Anne Geddes picture - a baby in a man's hands - and a candle. She said the picture reminded her that all babies were in God's hands and the candle was to give us hope. That night was so hard for us.

Friday I started the homeopathics and Ben wanted to go shopping to get ready for the next week at school. It was the last thing I wanted to do. Of course in Costco we ran into friends who we hadn't seen in a long time. The first thing Ed asked was 'How's the pregnancy going?' I had to tell him in Costco that our baby had died all the while trying to not break down. His wife hadn't heard what I said so I had to tell her too. It all seemed so surreal. I told them that I was going to be induced the next day. We continued our shopping and before we left Sharon gave me a hug.

I didn't know what to do that night, I was so scared, the doctor had scared me by saying that it might take days before I would give birth and that if I didn't give birth by Monday that I would need a c-section. I was petrified. I didn't know what to do so we got a movie. Near the end of the movie, I couldn't hold it in any longer, I cried and cried wondering what the next day would hold for us. I hadn't prepared in the least for labour. Would I be able to handle it? Did I have the strength? Would I have to have a c-section on Monday?

Saturday morning came early, we got up at six and showered. The doctor had wanted to meet us at seven thirty we got there at five to seven. Tama met us there to say that the doctor had changed the time from seven thirty to nine. I couldn't believe it.

It was good though because it gave us the chance to talk to Tama and to prepare for the labour and birth. She told us we could hold our baby and we could spend as much time as we wanted with our baby. She said they would take pictures too. I wanted to see a picture of a baby at 22 weeks (when Amy Dawn died) but she couldn't find me one, she just showed me a textbook drawing. I wanted to be able to hold our baby but I didn't know if I would be able to. We had some breakfast (at Tama's insistence) eating was the last thing I wanted to do. And soon it was time to go upstairs and wait for the doctor.

I hated the thought of being induced, of having some strange insensitive doctor put gel on my cervix. I asked Tama if she could do it but she couldn't, maybe she wasn't allowed. It was awful. I had to lie still for an hour, I felt nauseous immediately and like I had to go to the bathroom. As soon as the hour was up, I got them to ask if I could get up and I ran to the bathroom.

It was a horrible day, I couldn't believe it, here I was giving birth in February not in June in a hospital, not at home. It was so difficult to be in labour to go through all that pain knowing that our baby had died. What was the point?

I was so depressed. Tama and Ben were really good to me, they really tried to help me through the contractions. They got me water and food as I needed it and rubbed my sore legs. I went into the bath to try to relax and it helped, I could have stayed in there all day if I was allowed. I remember asking Ben and Tama to just get it over with and kill me. It was so difficult.

At one point Ben decided he was tired and wanted to go home, at the same time the doctor said that I wasn't progressing fast enough and that if someone else came in they'd have to give the room to them. I couldn't believe it!! My baby was dead and these people were being so insensitive!! I told them I wasn't going home! I couldn't imagine being in labour driving home in the car.

They put more gel on my cervix and then my labour got stronger. The nurse came and had me sign paperwork and took my blood, they were finally admitting me, I wanted to tell her where to go, to leave me alone because I was in labour.

The friend we were staying with called to see how we were doing, I didn't talk to her, I couldn't.

Tama helped me through the contractions and told me that the baby was moving down, we were getting somewhere. All of a sudden I realized that Zoe wasn't there, both Tama and Zoe were supposed to be there. I asked Tama where Zoe was and she went off to call her. I had a thought flash across my brain, 'It will be soon' and immediately it was gone. I thought I had to go to the bathroom, I kept going there....Tama and Ben both took me. The last time I went I gave birth, Tama wasn't there. Ben was holding my hands as I screamed and pushed out our beautiful little baby. I felt so guilty about this and still struggle with it. So much for my perfect birth plan. So much for my dreams of our baby being born into her daddy's hands.

Tama, the doctor and a couple of nurses ran in got our baby and put me on a stretcher to take me back to the bed. They covered me with warm blankets, my teeth were chattering so hard I thought they would fall out. I asked what was wrong with me but they said it was normal. They got the placenta and showed it to us.

Then they asked if I wanted to hold our baby. They didn't know if we'd had a boy or a girl, the doctor said it was ambiguous and I didn't want to hold our baby until I had both a boy's name and a girl's name. I had brought a baby book with me so I looked through the boys' names and decided on Noah Michael. Noah meant rest and Michael meant 'Who is like the Lord?' I thought it was appropriate. The night before I gave birth, I remember asking for a name and the name Amy Dawn came to me. It was perfect.

I held our baby, Kerstin had wrapped her in baby blankets, and I couldn't believe that we had had this beautiful little baby. She was so beautiful and tiny. She had my lips and my legs. Ears like her Daddy. I was amazed that we had had this beautiful little baby. Kerstin took pictures of us with her and also got her hand and footprints. I asked Ben if he wanted to hold our baby, he said he couldn't, it was too hard. His eyes were filled with tears. I wish he had held her, it was his only chance to bond with his daughter.

Tama told us our pastor was there and asked if we wanted to talk to him. At the time it seemed right, Ben was crying as he talked to us. Looking back though, I regret it, Amy Dawn was lying underneath the heat lamp while he blabbed on and on. We could have been holding her instead of talking to him. He asked if he could see her. He said she was kind of cute. I have since regretted having him there. We could have been holding her. This was our only chance to hold her and we sat and listened to some guy talk to us for an hour while she lay under the heat lamp. So many times I've hated myself for making such a stupid choice. I have to remind myself that it felt right at the time and I wasn't thinking clearly because I was in shock.

After the pastor finished talking we had to fill out paperwork and Ben went to get the car started. They had Amy Dawn there for us, Tama may have asked if I wanted to hold her again, I'm not sure, I just wish I had. At the time it seemed like enough, now I know it could never have been enough because we wouldn't have the lifetime together that we were supposed to have had.

I had a shower and got ready to go home. Tama wanted to put me in a wheelchair but there was no way I was going to be wheeled out in a wheelchair without my baby. I wouldn't even let her carry the track bag I had. We met Ben downstairs and signed the papers for the autopsy and went home.

We stopped at his parents' house first to tell them what had happened. We showed them her blankets and her hand and footprints. Kathy a lady from the church we used to go to had brought by a card, african violets and a basket of fruit for us. It was so wonderful to know that they cared. I called my mom and I started crying all over again. I told her the whole story. We went home after that.

The next morning Kathy and Bettina called to see how we were doing and I told them about our baby. Kathy asked what we had. I was confused. I told her we didn't know. We didn't end up finding out for sure until Monday when they did the autopsy. Although looking back I see that we knew we were having a girl, I was drawn to all the baby girl clothes and we couldn't think of a boy's name, we didn't need one.

Zoe came over that afternoon to see how I was doing. Ben had wanted to go back to school right away (not what I wanted at all!) and so we agreed that Tama would call me in Brantford.

The pastor had asked if there was anything he could do for us. Ben had asked him to talk to the funeral home for us. I was too in shock to realize what this would mean for us later. I guess Zoe saw no problem with that either and so we let the pastor talk to the funeral director. He called that afternoon saying we needed to make a decision, burial or cremation. It was awful. I couldn't even believe that our baby was dead and now less than one day after her birth we had to decide on burial or cremation? Ben wanted to cremate and I wanted to bury. We both had absolutely no experience with funeral homes.

We didn't even know where the local cemetaries were. Ben wanted to go back to school the next day, he felt he needed to, he didn't want to lose his course, I couldn't believe it but at the time I felt that we couldn't afford to fight the day after our daughter was born, so I didn't fight him and I regrettably let him go. It's not like I could have stopped him.

We chose cremation because we had no information and no support. Obviously our midwives must have thought the pastor was taking care of us in this respect and the pastor must have thought the funeral director was taking care of us. But no one did. And I have regretted this so much. I didn't want to rush off to Brantford so Ben could go back to school. I didn't want to cremate our baby. The thought of it sickened me. I couldn't think straight, we should have called the funeral home and got some answers but when you're in shock you can't think straight. We decided on cremation, told the pastor that and then basically got ready to go back to school. It was awful.

Before we went back Zoe called to say that the doctor forgot to get my blood, he wanted to check if I had lupus so I had to go back to the hospital to have my blood taken. I couldn't believe it. The last thing I wanted to do was go back to the hospital.

I cried as soon as I saw the maternity ward, the nurse saw that I was crying and took me to a private room, I told her I had to see my baby. The lab technician came and took my blood as the tears were pouring down my face. The nurse asked the doctor if I could see my baby and he said that I could. She asked if I wanted to have my husband with me. The maternity ward was on the fourth floor and there was no way I was going to go down four floors bawling my eyes out to go get Ben, besides I figured he wouldn't want to hold her since he didn't hold her the night before.

The nurse brought Amy Dawn to me. She had wrapped her up in a blanket and put a little knitted hat on her. She was so much tinier than she was the day before. She wasn't red and bruised. I could see that she had her daddy's nose. I cried and cried as I held her. The nurse asked me if I wanted pictures and stupidly I said no because I didn't want to get into trouble since we had pictures taken the night before. I am so glad I asked to hold her that night. I am so glad that I got to see her once again.

The nurse gave me some pads and then I left. We went right back to Brantford, it all seemed so surreal. It still does when I think about it. When we got to our friends' house they had all gone to bed. It wasn't until the next day that I was able to tell her about our baby.

The weeks we spent there were so difficult, it was like I was in a bad dream. Our friends have five children, three of them being mischievous little boys. The boys would be playing yelling and screaming and I was grieving for my little girl, it was so unreal. How could it be real? I yelled at the kids to shut up, I couldn't deal with their noise.

I spent my days there sleeping, reading books on grief, emailing, reading others' stories online and talking to Tama and the friends that called. Leslee the friend we were staying with tried to be sympathetic and let me do whatever I needed to do.

Going home was so difficult. Going home made Amy Dawn's death real. While we were at our friends' house it was like we could almost pretend our baby didn't die but when we were home the reality of her death set in. I joined email support groups and started attending the local perinatal bereavement support group as well as receiving telephone support calls from the facilitator.

At first our friends and family were there for us, bringing meals, trying to help us where they could but as time went on they didn't know how to help us anymore. Those who said 'I will always be here for you' didn't really mean it. I learned that the hard way, I kept trying to talk to my friends, to tell them what I needed to try to teach them how to support me. But in the end if they didn't feel they could do it then they didn't and I found myself more and more alone without the support I so desperately needed.

My due date was approaching, it was the 30th of May. I felt so guilty that we had done nothing to honour our daughter's life. It was the encouragement of a friend that helped me to believe that I could put together a memorial service for our daughter. We had it on June 3rd, the Saturday after her due date. I spent the whole month of May working on her memorial service. I borrowed a book 'Bittersweet hellogoodbye' from the local support group and did all that I could to learn about memorial services, I wanted it to be perfect for my daughter.

I had a shadow box made with her blankets, teddy bear, sweater, knitted blanket, hat and booties and the birth record cross-stitch I made for her. A friend played the piano and sang the song 'Hello, Goodbye' by Michael W. Smith. I asked friends to read poems that I liked and I read my own poems to Amy Dawn. I had her ultrasound picture there as well as the sleeper my Mom gave me when she found out I was pregnant and pictures of how a baby develops in the womb. I had the gifts that friends had given us after Amy Dawn died, the Anne Geddes picture, a Precious Moments cross and the angel my Mom had given me. I also had her picture, footprints and poems on the tables.

I had a table with information on grief and the local support group there, I wanted our friends and family to know how to support us, I hoped that they would read the information and use it.

There was a song that I had written for my friend Leslee when her baby had died to miscarriage seven years earlier. I had never shared the song with anyone. A friend listened to me sing the song and helped me to record it. We played the song at Amy Dawn's memorial service.

I think Amy Dawn's memorial service touched people's hearts, I think it helped them to realize that we had a baby and she died. I think it helped to realize how much we love and miss her.

Since that time I have created two sites in memory of my daughter in the hopes that they will help other parents to know that they are not alone in their pain and grief. I have become a volunteer with Perinatal Bereavement Services Ontario and I am hoping to help make a difference for other bereaved parents so that they will know they are not alone. There is so little information out there on what to do when a baby dies.

No one knows what to do or say and people often cause more pain with their ignorance. People need to understand how they can help the parents to cope when a baby dies, people need to understand that parents need to grieve and have support. They need to understand that we need to talk about our babies, that it's healthy to talk about our children and to miss them.

When I found out that Amy Dawn would be stillborn, I hoped that no baby would ever die again, that no parent would ever suffer this pain and grief. My wish did not come true, sadly many parents have lost their children since Amy Dawn died. It is my hope that by educating others I can help to make a difference so that other parents will not have to suffer what I have suffered. That through education society can learn how to help bereaved parents instead of hurting them with their ignorance.

Amy Dawn Mountney
February 5, 2000
New Lowell, Ontario

"Looking For A Faithful Friend" by Jen (1/17/02)- Family, Friends and Co-Workers

"Two Years Without Our Daughter" by Jen (2/15/02)

Jen and Ben announce the arraival of Hope Sarah Mountney on December 22, 2002 (9/03)

"I Still Can't Believe She's Here" by Jen (5/03)

E-mail Jen

Marcia's comments: You did and continue to do many special things for your baby. None of the decisions we have to make are easy - no one can prepare for a loss (unless of course we learn it will happen and there are support materials or people right there). We always talk about doing the best we could - because we do.

Yes, together we help each other and hopefully, with outreach, others. It makes our special babies' presence meaningful when we can give our love for them to them by sharing it with others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Hi my name is Shannon,

My little girl that I was carrying inside for 5 mths - this past Saturday God called upon my little girl.

I will never know why, but you know God has a reason for everything. Maybe he knew something that was wrong with her or maybe God didn't want her too live a life with pain.

I believe now that God is a powerful man and he just wants the best for all his children. The day he took my little girl I had just fount out Feb 26, 2002 that we were having a little girl. Well too make a long story short she died March 3, 2002.

P.S. So please remember
that god is a powerful man and
has his reason's for everything.

Sincerely, Shannon(22)

Kaitlyn Marie Thompson
Midterm Loss
Atlanta, Ga


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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People tell me to get over it. I was too young. "You didn't need a second baby any way", they say. Isn't that just like saying after the death of a parent, "You'll be OK, you didn't need two parent anyway"?

I lost my baby on January 5, 2002. Yet all these months later, when I least expect it, I lose control. Sometimes I can cope, sometimes I ask God to just take me too, so I can be with my baby, although I know God can be a much greater mother than I ever could be. I feel like there is no one who understands.

My due date was May 26, 2002. Now that it is gone , I still wonder why me? I felt my baby move and kick one day, then just to have it taken away the next.

I look at my other daughter and I wonder to myself, what did I do so differently with her than I did with the other? It just seems like I'll be able to move past it.

Kamaria Jackson
Second trimester loss
East Point, GA


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Our Little Angels

My husband and I could not believe it when the pregnancy test was positive. We have two children, Brice 6 and Abbie 2. We had decided to wait on having anymore children, but I guess our Heavenly Father had other plans for us.

My first appointment was in January, 2002. Because I had had a miscarriage that past summer, my wonderful doctor did an ultrasound that day. You can only imagine my suprise and excitment when she told me that we were having twins. I was very glad that I was lying down, because I know that I would have fallen right off the table. I am a twin myself and I always wanted and hoped to have twins. My dream had come true.

My pregnancy was just great. I went in the first part of April, 2002 for another ultrasound and was very excited because we were going to find out the sex of the babies. With my mom, husband and Abbie in tow we went. A boy and a girl. Just what I was hoping for. Having a twin sister, I knew all too well the struggles of being compaired to each other, and that was one of the main reasons that I wanted so badly to have one of each. On April 9, 2002 I got the call from the doctor's office that everything on the ultrasound was perfect.

On April 10, 2002 around 9:00 a.m. I started having contractions. I really did not think anything of it because they were about 17 minutes apart. I called my doctor and talked with the nurse and she seemed to think nothing of it, since they had just seen me a few days before. By 11:00 a.m. they were about 10 minutes apart. I called my doctor and talked with the nurse a second time, and she told me to go ahead and go to the hospital and get checked out. She thought that I had probably gotten dehydrated and with some fluids and rest the contractions would stop. I called my mom to take me to the hospital. My husband works nights and was asleep upstairs. I woke him only to let him know where I was going and that everything was fine. I told him that we would call after I got checked out.

By the time we got to the hospital my contractions were about 4 minutes apart, but they didn't hurt at all, they just felt uncomfortable. I had to wait 45 minutes in the waiting room because all of the beds were taken in the assessment room. By the time they called me back, my contractions were 2 minutes apart. I changed and the minute I sat down on the bed, I thought I was being stabbed. The nurses laid me down and turned the bed so that I was almost standing on my head. They said that this was to help stop the contractions. The nurse checked me, but would not give me any answers. She left me alone in the room as the contracts grew stronger. My mom called my dad who drove over and woke up my husband to get him to the hospital. My doctor came in and checked me. When I looked at her and she said that I was at a 10 and that she couldn't stop the babies from coming. There I laid in pain knowing that there was nothing I could do. They immediately moved me to labor and delivery.

A small twist to this story comes into play here. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law where in another labor and delivery room having their first baby. As they rolled my down the hall of labor and delivery to room 5, they were in room 1. I so desparetly did not want them to know what was going on because they were scared enough as it was with the birth of their own child. The mood of the entire floor changed when all the nurses found out what was going on.

Once in the room, I was told that after I delivered the first baby, there was a chance that my cervix would close and I would be able to carry the second baby, but it was a very slim chance. I remember saying over and over again that I wanted my husband there. My dear sweet mom held my hand the whole time. She told me that I was the bravest person she ever knew.

Anslie Lorean Burns was born on April 10th at 1:08 p.m. I remember her little wimper. They rushed her over to the scale, wrapped her up and gave her to me. She was so little. 1 lb. 2 oz. She had black hair just like her dad and looked just like my Abbie. Within 30 seconds after they laid her in my arms my loving husband walked in the door. I will never forget the look on his face when he saw me lying there holding such a small little baby in my arms. He came and sat next to me with tears running down his face he kept apologizing to me for not being there. I told him that I was fine and that he was here now and that was all that mattered. During this whole time I kept saying over and over "Please Lord, don't let the contractions start again." But they did. Derek held Anslie while I delivered Adam. At 1:27 p.m. Adam Sylvester Burns was born. He too was rushed to the scale, 1 lb. 4 oz., wrapped in a blanket and brought to us. How he looked like my Brice, but with no! hair.

There we sat holding our babies looking at each other like we didn't know what to do next. The neonatal doctor said that if they would have been a couple of ounces bigger, we might have had a chance. They might be able to keep them alive for a couple of hours or maybe a day if we wanted them to try. I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to have them hooked up to tubes and IV's and seeing them lay there and suffer. I said no I wanted to hold them and when it was time for them to leave us, it would be done in our arms.

All the grandparents came in to hold them. I asked if Derek and I could be alone with them and everyone left. I sat there and held both of my babies. I remember crying so hard and apologizing to them and to my husband. I felt like I had let them all down. So there we sat. My husband knew it was time for the nurse to come and take them. I could not bear it. I never in my whole life will ever forget letting the nurse have them. If I would have had the strengh I think I would have fought her to the ground to keep my babies with me.

I was able to come home that very night. I could not stand to be in the hospital room one more minute. My doctor said that the only reason she was letting me go home was that my husband was a nurse and could handle anything what might happen and only because I had such a wonderful support team, my entire family. I remember Derek left me to go get the car and I waited in the room for the nurse to wheel me out. I have never felt so empty and so mad at the same time. I wanted to just scream when the nurse wheeled me down the hall to leave. I had to go past all these doors with big blue and pink bows on them. I wanted to rip them all down. But most of all I just didn't want to go past my sister-in-laws room.

My mom has given me some really good advise. She said that it was up to me how I could handle this very difficult situation. I could shun Caroline (my sister-in-laws baby) and choose not have any type of relationship with her and cause bad feelings towards my sister-in-law and myself, or I could use her as a growth chart for Adam and Anslie. I have to admit that at times it it quite difficult to be around her, but I always try to hold her each time I see her and give her a special kiss from her Aunt Kellie.

We had a small family service, and had them put to rest together. They had come into this world together and had left together, and I couldn't bear the thought of them being seperated.

I have good days and bad days as to be expected, and since it is 2:30 a.m. I guess you could call this one of my bad days. We miss them so much, but I know that my husband and I will be able to raise them in the hereafter and that we are richly blessed with having two beautiful children here to raise and two little guardian angles watching over us.

In closing I just wanted to say: Mommy, Daddy, Brice and Abbie love you very much. We miss you and can't wait for the day when we can hold you again and have our family complete. Remember, "Families are Forever" just like the primary song Brice sings for you.

Adam & Anslie Burns
Second trimester loss
Macon, Georiga


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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For my love Christain Michael

I will be with you one day. I lost my son at 20 weeks into my pregnancy. He died, and I did not even know it. I went to my 5th month check up, and the DR could not find the heart beat. I was joking saying I think I gained too much weight - can't hear it through the fat. So he did an ultrasound. I thought for sure nothing is wrong.

I knew I was going to die when I realized that he was not moving. Just last week we had an ultrasound and he was moving so well and his heart was great.

We did all the tests - amnio and all. This was it. He was the one after 4 painful miscarriages. We had made it to our 20th week. DR say's no problem now. Then I was in a dream I could not move. I wanted to say no - no it's a lie. The machine isn't working right.

I had to make myself get up and walk out. It was like slow mothion. I think I was in shock. The DR said I could go home and wait for labor to come on or be enduced the next day. My husband and I walked in the park in disbelief that night. We have loved this baby even before he was conceved.

I thought i can't go on with my boy dead in side of me. (I to this day wish that I had waited for labor to come on naturally. I could have held him in my tummy that much longer.)

So the next morning I was at the hospital being enduced at 7 am in the morning. I ask the DR when I got there please, please look for his heartbeat one more time. But he refused said it would be a waist of time.

So after 10 hours of labor, and I was pushing - Oh, God how can you let this happen.....then my son Christian Michael was born an angel. The DR was not there for the delivery just a nurse. I guess it does not matter when your baby is not alive.

This was the first time this happen to us I did not know my rights so there goes the nurse putting our son in a water basin and placing him in the bathroom until the DR gets here to see him. I was so weak and sick. Why did they not tell me I could hold my baby bond with him take a picture?

Three hours later my blood pressure was dangerously low, and I was bleeding so bad they could not stop it with drugs. I had to go for an emergency surgery.

By the time, I got back my baby was gone - gone from me for ever. I was sent home the next day with my arms empty and my heart brocken. All I had was a book.

God they should tell you that your milk well still come - even when your baby dies. I think the day my milk started coming was the day I almost lost it.

My son gone why???? We were so anxious and excited to be your mommy and daddy. I well always regret not being able to hold you in my arms.

I can't go back to my DR now. I think I blame him for all my problems.

What is wrong with me? What did I do to lose so many babies? What would you look like now Christian your birthday is coming. My lil angels I will be with you one day.

Love, Mommy, Daddy, big sis Chante, and big brother Michael Angel
Christian Michael
July 15 2000
Turlock, CA


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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To my baby Jamie,

Jamie is my first baby. I was told by several doctors that I would never be pregnant. After 8 years of marriage and no baby, we divorced. I met my boyfriend Bob this past October. I conceived on Mother's Day and confirmed the pregnancy on Memorial Day. I had some bleeding and clotting in the first trimester, but other than that, it was a pretty good first trimester.

When I got into my second trimester, I started "letting my guard down" and actually believe that I was pregnant. I was so happy. I started showing. I felt the baby move. I thought it was all going to be ok.

Seventeen weeks into the pregnancy, I started cramping with no bleeding. I thought it was a UTI, so I called the doctor (although deep inside, I thought I might be in labor). I went to her office and had an exam.

When she looked, the baby's sac was in the cervix (I found out a few days after that, that the baby's leg was through the sac as well). I was put into labor and delivery Monday August 26th, 2002. Monday night, after being tilted towards my head to see if the sac would go back in and after an ultrasound, I was told that my baby could not be saved.

Tuesday, they gave me medicine to speed up the labor ( I was at 5 cm all day Tuesday, and my boyfriend was afraid that I would deliver the baby on Wednesday, August 28th (my birthday).

I had Jamie at 6:20 pm August 27th. Jamie was too young to tell if he was a boy or a girl (although I truly feel in my heart that Jamie was a boy). We named the baby Jamie because it can be a boy or girls name. I was very medicated when I had him and I had to go to to OR right after delivery for a D&C. I was told that Jamie lived for a half hour, but died before I got out of the OR. He was with my mom and Bob's mom when he died, although I wish I was with him.

I am filled with so many regrets and guilt and anger. No one can tell me what happened (except that lab tests confirmed that this was not caused by infection).

I miss my baby. Everywhere I go, I am fixated with other people's babies, baby clothes, baby toys. It was hard to leave the hospital without my baby.

It is so hard to face people who knew I was pregnant. Some don't know what to say, some didn't know of my loss (and that is so ackward to tell people of your loss).

I went and got myself a mother and child necklace and wear it all of the time, as well as a pin which is a teardrop with a rose in the middle of it. It does help (to me) to acknowledge that I am a mom, even if my baby is not with me physically. I miss him so much. I will always love and miss him. He is my little angel. He will never be replaced.

I want to let everyone know that Jamie did exist. I also want to send out my sympathy to all that have lost their baby/babies. This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life, and I am sure it is the same for everyone else out there as well.

Thank you,
Jamie Grusheski
Second trimester loss
Melrose Ma


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Loss of Innocence

It has been one full week since I delivered a beautiful, peaceful but silent baby boy. I was at 19 weeks and due for my first ultrasound. The feeling of disbelief was only brief when we were told the news, after all, how can you dispute what is staring you in the face from the untrasound screen?

I went in for the inducement of labor, as the baby was too advanced for a D/C. For those of you who have experienced this, I am sorry. One thing my husband and I said is that since the statistics for a death this late are so low, that maybe we took up the statistic for a long time and no one else would have to go through the same hell.

After forty-six hours of labor Daniel Cassius was finally born. Thankfully my husband and I were able to see him and hold him for as long as we wanted. He was so small, but seeing his peaceful face absolved me of a lot of fears that I was feeling.

Besides the loss of all the dreams we had for this baby, I think one of the most detrimental loss is that of my naivete and innocence. I guess I always believed that if I worked hard and was moral and did everything I was supposed to that good things would happen to me, and until this, everything did.

This was so out of the blue for my husband and I that even though we're not in denial we have to ask "why us?" Now I feel like I can never take anything for granted again. My husband travels for a living and I live in constant fear that something will happen to him.

If I was a religious person I would be having a crisis of faith, but I have no one to blame or to be angry at. I'm a biologist and know that something just went wrong, no matter how much I wish that wasn't true it is impossible to deny it.

I can only say that telling my story and feelings is a help. My husband and I will be planting a tree in memory of Daniel, it is right for us to have a living memorial to our son. My heart goes out to any woman who has lost a child at any time in their pregnancy. The road to healing will be long.

Daniel Cassius
Second trimester loss
River Falls, WI

Marcia's comments: Your sense of confusion, denial in the face of reality (seeing what is but knowing what should be), the secondary loss of innocence (death and life can happen in one place) are all part of the grieving process for people like us who have experienced a pregnancy loss. It seems like a tragic dream that we surely will wake up from.

We just had our local annual candlelighting were many moms join together to share their journey and light a candle in memory of their child(ren) and what becomes so clear is the journey of healing. We never will like what has happened to us but we take from our experience the love we have for our baby and hope that our hearts will soften and our souls will repair - and they will with the work of grieving.

The statistics are not as low as you might believe. With one and four pregnancies ending in miscarriage and 38,000 stillbirths per year and this does not consider newborn losses, we still have a ways to go. I have attended many conferences on this topic (CDC and NIH), and I have covered them in our newsletters (I need to get more information on the site.). Our group marches each year with the March of Dimes to stop birth defects and lower pregnancy loss.

We know many of the causes of our losses and many doctors are working to make them less each year. Getting the information out to the public - especially parents-to-be is still very important. SIDS was stopped (almost) by such a campaigne and we would like to see this happen in the Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Community. As far as we are concerned, too many parents have to hold their special babies that have died -- we can do better with the odds.

Healing emotionally after this loss is a very important goal, and one we wish to help with. As parents can, later down the road, they work with these other important issues. Your fear for your husband and your disillusionment about faith-type issues is a normal part of grieving, we discuss it frequently in our groups and you will read of it if you read some of the articles I have written which are online.

I often say that each of my children, the two sons I have here on this earth and the three babies in heaven have all helped to mold who I am today. Each in his/her very special way have left an imprint. It took me some time to piece it altogether, but I do feel blessed by each child. I hope that you and your husband will gradually come to that place. Doing things in memory of Daniel, such as planting a living tree, will aid you on your journey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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