SHARE Atlanta Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Grief Support

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Future Pregnancy Medical Issues E-Mail Exchange...
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"...Any success stories of women 45 and over?" by Nancy (9/98)

"...concerns about getting "over a miscarriage" and thinking about getting pregnant again. by Debbie (10/16/98)

"In 1995 I lost my first baby to an ectopic pregnancy. I also lost one of my tubes. It was hard to accept..." by Lisa (10/28/98)


"Leucocyte Immune Therapy" after 3 losses... by Laura (2/15/99)

Everyone says,"well you have one child already"...Anti-Phospholipid antibodies... by Dion (2/14/99)

"Well I still can't cope sometimes." by Laura (3/12/99)

"..I had placental pregnant again...suggestions please!!!" by Wendy (4/29/99)

"Second Miscarriage..." by Jennifer (9/15/99)

"Has spoken to Dr. Collins...." by Gretchen (9/20/99)

"(he had)..diaphragmatic hernia. We are talking about getting pregnant again. by Jennie (6/27/98)

"Georgia" by Kylie" (1/2/00)

Hi. It's nice that you have a forum for sharing and learning. Thank you. I have had 5 miscarriages. I turn 45 Sept, 98. I have a little boy who just turned 5. I had 2 miscarriages before him and 3 since. Last Nov, 1997, being my last one. I found out last year I had the anti-body that makes your blood clot when you're pregnant, and then miscarry. My #4 & 5 miscarriages were May & Nov, '97 & I took baby aspirin and heparin shots in my thighs to keep my blood thin (a 99% cure). I still lost them (early). I had a chromosome study on the May, 97 miscarriage & it was a normal girl. The Nov, 97 pregnancy we even saw a heart beat and still it died. The doctor says he can only assume it's a smaller chromosome defect that doesn't show up in the chromosome study, meaning my eggs are old. I am now faced with accepting my son may be an only child and I may never have another baby -- the loss of my lifetime dream of 2 kids. Any success stories of women 45 and over? Thanks, Nancy

Alpharetta, GA

Part of Marcia's comment: We have had several folks in our groups with very similar experiences. You may want to talk with a few of these folks. I believe one of the woman did what Dr. Beer suggests on our Medical Links/Miscarriage & Repeated Loss. She worked with a doctor locally. I will have to get confirmation around that! As to the age - I'm not sure, but I think no one in our group has been over 45 and trying to get pregnant. Certainly near to and slightly over 40. We have had several folks adopt babies in the last year who are a older and had repeated early losses. And we have a few moms/parents who have decided that one child is what it will takes time to get there...or anywhere with such major decisions. Your thoughts and concerns are frequent topics that SHARE folks can get deep into.

I feel sure that we have folks who would be more than willing to share their thoughts on each of the options that I suggested in the above paragraph. After 13 years of groups we have a fairly wonderful group of folks who are willing to reach out to different parents when the need arises.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I also know that I will need lots of support and love during this new pregnancy. I'm quite sure this will be the longest nine months of my life. So, if you feel like it, feel free to e-mail me. I work at home, so I'm usually around. Thanks for taking the time to read about Brittany. We'll never have out innocence back, but I think we can make it through if we stick together. She is forever in our hearts.

Visit "Our First Born Angel" by Jenny (9/11/98) for Jenny's story...

Brittany Marie Coffey
Plano, TX

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I recently got married on April 18, 1998 and found out that I was pregnant on April 24, 1998. We were shocked but totally happy at the same time. I miscarried on May 5, 1998 and I am having a hard time dealing with it. Just this week, my husband talked to me about trying again, and I am so scared. I can not explain it. I have never went through anything like this before. I do have an 8 year old daughter which I am thankful for everyday, but I want another child so bad, and I don't know what to do. Everyday there is another emotion that I am feeling. It was a hard miscarriage too because I had retained tissue, and I had problems for about 2 months. I still don't feel quite right, but am getting no where with the DOC. Any suggestions?

Marcia's Thoughts: Your concerns seem valid to me. It takes time to move through all the mixed feelings and reactions that happen after a miscarriage. Often the 5th to 7th month are most difficult - as you begin to think about getting pregnant again you become painfully aware of all that you have been through. If you had physical problems for a while afterwards, that just adds some more time to grieve on ...which means waiting a little longer. Grief does end...and with the right support most everyone can move on to their next choice. You do have to think through what this means to you...

Several thoughts that come to mind:

Go and talk to your doctor and tell him how you feel. Ask what he might do during your next pregnancy to ease your tension some(test progestrogen levels, HCL levels, etc/look at our Medical page under Miscarriages and read things that can be done to help you..). Find a doctor that will support you with your concerns. They are out there. Often after one miscarriage, doctors will not do very much to test, etc., but, perhaps you can find a supportive doctor. If you need to - change doctors! Doctors are human and some meet different needs at different times. One thing my losses have taught me is to seek out the support I need to do what I feel is right for me and my family. No one is perfect and knows everything! You have had a lot happen to you(good and sad) in a short time...a few more months may be just what you need to regain your confidence. Ask you husband to be patient and help him try to understand you concerns. They do sound normal...

You may want to consider doing something in memory of the child you lost. You are grieving this baby and that is normal, also. Look at our Self-Help pages and see if you might think of something special to do for yourself and you baby. You may want to put a dedication to your child on our Memorial Garden page. I know this seems strange for some folks after a miscarriage, but this was a child you were excited about and looking forward to...often healing begins as we recognize how special these babies are.

Gap, Pennsylvania

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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In 1995 I lost my first baby to an ectopic pregnancy. I also lost one of my tubes. It was hard to accept...

..but after testing and knowing that the other tube was ok, it was easier to accept.

Then in 1997 I got pregnant again. There were no signs of trouble and I started planning everything right away. My husband has a child from a previous relationship and he was happy for us and for the fact that his child would have a brother or sister. Then I went in for an ultrasound and my doctor told me she couldn't find the baby. Later I received the news that I had another ectopic pregnancy. I went through a series of injections to have the baby terminated so my tube could be saved and I could try again, but to my dismay, my tube ruptured. I almost died, but came through surgery ok. I lost my other tube.

My husband grieved with me and after a year, he seems to be ok, but I still cry. Counseling doesn't seem to help much. We can still have children through invitro fertilization, but the cost is outrageous. We are trying our best to save the money though.

Seeing my stepson is wonderful, but sometimes I get upset because all I want is to have a child of my own. He will never call me Mom, and I will never be his mother. I am so grateful for the fact that I am at least not childless even though I am only a stepmom. I always try to remember that. I have a good relationship with my stepson (he is 4 years old) and I only hope that it will get better.

But a day doesn't go by that I think about our loss. I just pray that one day, God will grant me the greatest gift of bringing life into this world. And that I can raise my own child. I never give up hope that we will get the money to try. Everything always happens for a reason and my husband always tells me that maybe the reason for this is because when we do try invitro, we will have more than one child and God wants us to be settled and ready for what may come. I hope he is right.

95 and 9/97
Cleveland, OH

I am sorry about the losses of your two babies. Ectopic pregnancies cause so many mixed feelings...our baby dies and it is so early most folks don't want to allow us to grieve the loss of a child. But it is. It is important to give yourself permission to grieve these to special babies in your life. Have you named your babies or done something special for them in their memory? Please read, if you haven't, "The Significance of You and Your Baby" SHARE Atlanta's workshop. Plus you have just passed the yearly anniversary when all this happened in '97...take time.

Then, you have had the additional loss of your tubes. We have had several folks in our group to experience this. There is more grieving to be done around the loss of our fully functioning body. A very normal response to such a tragic loss.

I am glad that you have a sweet stepson and that you are working to make you all a family, and that is very important(for ALL of you)! No other child, biological or adopted or step or anything, takes the place of the children we loose. With time and understanding, we learn to cope with this and know that we will hold them forever in our hearts. You have had a several recent losses - both a child and of your other tube...take the time to heal and then to explore other options. It really has not been that long. There is no time table for grieving. I am glad you went to a counselor. Is there a group near you? You can call or visit National SHARE's site or go to Hannah's Support Group(both on my site under Support Groups) to find help.

Invitro works for many...some of our group has adopted. Options have to be considered and thought through. It is so good to know that we can have the possible other choices.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Meredith's story..."" by Meredith (12/17/98)

Atlanta--Stockbridge, GA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Leucocyte Immune Therapy

Hi, Everyone I just heard about this website. I had 3 miscarriages within 2 years. I am being treated by a specialist.

I am very depressed about the losses. I always wanted to be a mom since I was young. I am just hoping the next time it works out. I am sure many of you are experiencing similar situations. I am just glad that there is a support group out there. I am being treated with an immune problem. I am undergoing Leucocyte Immune Therapy. If anyone else out there is going through this I would love to hear from you. I lose very early in the pregnancy. The longest one was 8 weeks. I miss them all so much. Yesterday was Valentine's Day and all I could think of was these angels.

Staten Island, NY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Everyone says,"well you have one child already"

In October on 96 I gave birth to a wonderful little boy! I just assumed I'd easily have more children. When he was 7 months old I unexpectingly became pregnant and lost the baby at 6 weeks. It took 8 months and fertility drugs to get pregnant again and lose this baby at 6 weeks. The doctor found that my Anti-Phospholipid antibodies are low and that next time I become pregnant I need to take Heprin and baby asprin. I am so scared to become pregnat again! The worst part is that no one understands, including my husband. They I should be thankful to have my son and not to worry about. I love my son more than life itself, but I long to give him a sibling. Does anyone have a similar story or have any advice? Dion


Marcia's thoughts: I am sorry about the loss of your two babies. You have had to deal with much during the last year or so. You concerns and reactions seem very normal to me.

The SHARE Atlanta Workshops deal with many of these issues! The difference between men and women's grief and how "others" see your grief. In our Sharing Stories section I could add your story to "Other's Reactions" because it would help for folks to see that what you are experiencing is what many folks have happen to them after they have had a loss. Folks want you to "get over this" (not worry) and feel better...NOW, but it takes time, support, and energy to heal. Grief is a normal process...we have to move through it in order to heal. Please read about "The Significance of You and Your Baby" - one of our workshops.

Also, in our Links, Medical Resources, "Miscarriages & Early Losses" there are sites that discuss the use of heprin and baby aspirin and your situation. They may answer some questions and provide some support. We have had numerous moms with the same situation in our group. Being pregnant "the next time" is difficult, that is why there are three pages about Future Pregnancies on our site(and we have a Subsequent Pregnancy Group here in Atlanta). We do survive those next pregnancies, and it helps to have support.

I am glad you have visited our Chat Line/Message Board! Harold has done a wonderful job in providing these supportive pages.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Well I still can't cope sometimes. I wrote my story here last year. It had been almost a year since I lost my baby. (I lost my baby in Sept. of 1997) It was my second ectopic and now both of my tubes are gone.

I still get emotional sometimes only because of my fear that I will never have my own children. Like my last hope of becoming a mom was washed away.

My husband, gratefully, is so supportive. Invitro is the only way for us to have our own children. But it is so expensive. I think I've dealt with my losses and have come to accept what happened. My greatest fear, not having children, is the only obstacle I can't overcome. I'm 30 and my husband is 33. I'm afraid that by the time we save up the money to try invitro, I will be too old. Money doesn't grow on trees as we all know and it's hard to save up thousands of dollars. I'm still hopeful that it will happen for us and right now, refuse to accept the idea that I'll never have my own children.

Maybe someone else here, knows how it feels. I haven't given up hope and pray that God will bless us with a child someday.

Willoughby, OH

We have had several folks in your situation in our groups through the is so hard with the money becoming such a focus. After checking(in length..) two couples found support in their insurance(nice, but not always there...). There has been a move in this direction through the last couple of years. We have had numerous successful invitros..and several have elected to adopt. Our latest baby is, Ian, adopted by a mom and dad in a similar situation to yours. We have an excellent doctor locally that has helped our parents even in their early 40's have a baby. I would say you have a little more time...We get so anxious because we want a family so very badly. I took us forever to have our two living children.

Please check out the Medical Links on our site about invitro..also under Links, Other Resources and Groups, we have links to RESOLVE...They are here for situations like yours.

Needless to say, you have experienced numerous kinds of losses...with renewed grief each time. Working through each kind is hard. Seems like there are constant obstacles and pain. Not to mention choices and decisions. Choices and decisions that we never thought would have to be made. There is a level of acceptance(as you suggested). It seems each couple has to work through what the seemingly "right" goal "for now" is. Not easy...very emotional.

Through the 15 years in SHARE Atlanta, I have seen folks struggle with these decisions..they do survive, but it takes work and time. Happily, most have gone on to have children. A few do decide to not have children. It seems that turning every stone that you can helps so that later a person can honestly say they tried all that they knew how.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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..I had placental pregnant again...suggestions please!!!

On July 27, 1998 my husband and I found out that our third child, a son, had died just two days before his scheduled c-section delivery. The cause was a placental abruption which almost cost me my life also. We are a very committed Christian family and have a very strong extended family and church family. We have made it through this because of that support and from reading information on websites such as yours. We are recovering very well but I do see that this will be an ongoing process not a quick fix situation.

We have just recently found out that I am pregnant again! I am eight weeks pregnant and am already going through the confusing feelings that I knew would come. I am excited, scared and nervous all at the same time. Since all of my pregnancies were very normal and they could find no reason for the abruption I am seeing my regular ob/gyn. Some people have told me that since I have suffered a loss I should see a high risk specialist. Do you have any research or opinion concerning this issue? I love and trust my doctor but I want to do the right thing for this baby and for my peace of mind.

I also was wondering if you have information on how to obtain a doppler device for my peace of mind. I have heard mothers talk of it on your website and I have seen people with them on television but I can't figure out where to purchase or rent one. Any information that you could get me would be very helpful.

We are trusting God and know that He will be with us through this next pregnancy as He has been with us through our grief. But I also feel that the more information I arm myself with the more confident I will feel. Thank you for the service that you are doing. You have helped me tremendously.

For a beautiful poem that Wendy wrote, with additional thoughts about Mother's Day, please visit...
"Dear Aaron" by Wendy (5/3/99)

Chesapeake, VA

Marcia's thoughts: I have several thoughts around your questions. First, under our Subsequent Pregnancy Menu(from the drop down box on the front page) you will find several pages that may aid you in your decision:

1. "Links/Medical Sites/High Risk Pregnancies" there are several sites that discuss your previous condition

2. Links to Other Sites that focus on Subsequent Pregnancy Issues...there are several sites that describe the monitor, etc. plus numerous sites that provide additional support during subsequent pregnancies.

After reading these sites you may have a better idea as to what to do. Folks in our local group have often sought a high risk doctor after such a loss. They have the need for more "hands on" medical support, especially down the road. Many want more ultrasounds and "instant" access to the doctor. At the least, I would go and talk to your present doctor about your concerns. Ask him if he has a course of action to follow for folks who have experienced what you have...based on your concerns. Also, ask him how to get a doppler...he should be able to help you...if the sites don't. Read the literature on the sites ...and in any books and see how you feel about his answers. Be your own advocate and listen carefully to what he shares. He may be very prepared to care for you and your baby to be!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Second Miscarriage...

I have just experienced my second miscarriage in two years. The first was a second trimester, and the most recent was at 5 weeks. My doctor is not helping me to understand the reasoning for this, although he said my uterus is tipped from the delivery of my first child. Do you have any possible explanations for these devastating losses? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Henniker, NH

Marcia's thoughts: Please visit our Medical Resource page...there is much information on many internet sites speaking to these issues. Your desire to better understand is normal and needed so that you might prevent a subsequent loss. Reading some of the current information related to these problems may help you as you engage your doctor in discussion.

Please consider changing doctors to find one that will support you in your quest for information and prevention. There are "high risk" and/or "infertility" doctors who focus on these issues...they are often in a better position, then the regular OB, to provide information and support because they DO focus on these kinds of situations. They can identify a problem much quicker because of their specialized education and their intense working with other women who have had various medical situations. Many doctors will see you on a consultation visit(as you consider your next pregnancy). During this time you can go over your charts, explore your concerns and realize any medical procedures that are out there for your particular situation. If the initial consultation is positive, then a return visit can often open even more avenues.

Sometimes a parent will want to stay with the original doctor because s/he "knows your history" or s/he is a family friend or you like him. I believe we must remember that you are not asking a second opinion or changing to a specialist necessarily for personal reasons(directed at the doctor), you are going elsewhere to find support to have a living child. The reason is personal for wish no more losses.

I always remember that doctors are people with education to deliver babies and help moms medically. When all is well, we usually have a set of priorities in mind, but when all is not well, we may need to regroup and find a doctor who focuses on the issues at hand. A different doctor can be quickly caught up on past issues and feeling confident that s/he is very competent in the area of your concerns is extremely important as a parent approaches a subsequent pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Has spoken to Dr. Collins....

My husband and I moved to Georgia in January of 1999. In April, right before my 31st birthday I got pregnant with our first child. We were so excited because we have been married for seven years and had been waiting and planning for the time when we would be ready to have a baby. I got pregnant the first time I tried.

In August I went to my doctor for my five month appointment and first ultrasound. My husband was with me when the ultrasound technician informed us our baby had died. It was the most devastating thing either of us has ever been through. I went to the hospital, had labor induced and after 32 hours our baby was born with his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck three times tightly. My doctors ran every test you can think of - autoimmune, infection, chromosome and everything came back normal. As rare as they say it is, it appears that our baby died from an umbilical cord accident.

I have looked all over the internet and the Share Atlanta site and I talked with Dr. Collins in Louisiana about his reasearch on cord accidents. He feels certain that is what happened in our case.

My question to you all is this - being new to Atlanta I don't know much about the doctors here. I feel that I received wonderful care from my current doctors, but I was wondering if anyone might know of an Atlanta doctor who might be especially good about pregnancy after miscarriage and hopefully knowledgeable about umbilical cord accidents. I asked Dr. Collins if he knew of any doctors in this area and unfortuntately he didn't. If anyone here could advise me or provide a recommendation my husband and I would really, really appreciate it. Thank you so much, Gretchen Larson

Atlanta, GA

Marcia's thoughts: My wish is that you had been at our last meeting - Future Pregnancy Issues was the topic! We discussed many of the topics you brought up. Because we are supported by so many doctors in the community, the group moderators try not to get into too many recommendations - but we know that our moms and dads(mostly moms) discuss the issues of what doctors are most supportive. Also, it helps to know where in Atlanta you are! Dr. Collins has been a wonderful resource on this subject. There are some excellent doctors in the Atlanta area and some are more for the "high risk" end.

There are numerous high risk doctors that we could guide you towards if you could name some doctors or let us know more where you live. A visit to our groups often opens doors as moms discuss different factors of who they are seeing.

Also, the email exchange could point in a good direction. Let me know where you live and I will see if some of our members who are on line who have had similar experiences will email you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My son Samuel was born 10/30/97 and was diagnosed with a diaphragmatic hernia. He had to go on ECMO. He had several surgeries and died 11/28/97. I would like to talk to other parents with this same issue. We are talking about getting pregnant again. It is just now, that I realize that no matter how much we try we will never bring him back. I only knew him for 1 month, but I feel like I had always known him for a lifetime. It is not fair when other people that do not understand tell you not to worry. They say you can have another baby. They say well at least you did not get attached to him. All the feelings of grief come back when we start to plan the next pregnancy. I would like to talk to other people with similar experiences.

Died soon after birth
Louisville, KY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My Daugther Georgia was born on 6th April 1999. She later died at 23 days old on 29th April 1999 after complications after open heart surgery. The loss of our Daugther due to a heart defect has left us very nervous about the birth of our new baby in March 2000. Although we have had tests done to find any abnormalities it does not take away the fear that maybe it will happen again. Here's hoping that all is well.

Brisbane, QLD Australia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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