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"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts - Along this Path

Remembering Our Babies- Third Term Loss - Unknown or Uncertain Cause...2001

Thomas has put life
into perspective for me,
Life and Love are everything.
Dunfermline, UK

Entries on this page


"I'm Sorry" by Kay (1/11/01)

"The Story of Jason" by Becki (2/10/01) and (1/4/02)

"My Perfect Angels" by Kalena (3/2/01 posted 4/1/01)

"Charles Dalton Wilson III" by Alta (4/19/01)

"Marco Alfredo" by Grise (6/7/01)

"Our Little Angel" by Jane (6/29/01)

"Memories of Malcolm" by Michelle (8/23/01)

"My Lost Love - Zachary Scott" by Helene (10/6/01)

"Little Person" by Sheri (10/16/01)


I suffered a still birth just weeks before I was due. When I found out that my sweet little baby that I had carried for so long was gone - my heart broke. I fell into the guilt session and blamed god for taking my baby's life but knew for some reason he wanted to love her and comfort her.

I found out by going to a regular dr. appointment and they couldn't find a heartbeat and sent me to have an emergency ultra sound. When they told us the news I was in complete shock. I cried and cried so long for the love I carried was gone.

I had my labor induced and after 13 hours delivered a little girl who weighed 2 lb. 9 oz. and was 15 inches long. She was the little girl I always dreamed of with lot's of black hair just like her daddy.

We held her and kissed for a long time before we finally said our goodbye's.

This is the hardest thing I ever had to do was saying goodbye to my darling daughter. We sadly miss her but will never forget her for we held a true angel in our arms. We very much so love you our little Camryn Mae.

DECEMBER 21, 2000

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I'm Sorry

On January 9, 2001, I gave birth to my daughter Trinity Asia Jackson, at home. As I was preparing myself to go to the hospital, I had to make a bowel movement. I felt that it was O.K. because I made a bowel movement like 15 minutes earlier. I pushed one time and she exit my vagina into the toilet.

I then called 911. She was taken to the hospital in the ambulance. When I arrived at the hospital, she was lying in an incubator. I thought she was alive, but she wasn't. No one told me until I came out of the bathroom to be examined.

This is my first experience, dealing with the lost of a child. I try to be strong, but I constantly blame myself. Asking myself "If I would have....she would be here with me." I am so sad.

In her memory, I plan to get her footprints tattoed on my back along with her name and birthdate. I haven't discussed in details my feeling about my lost to my family. I don't feel to do so anytime soon.

I'll do anything to have her here with me.

Trinity Asia Jackson

Marcia's comments: Your feelings of guilt and sorrow are very normal for a grieivng mother. I have heard many stories through the years and from what you wrote - you did nothing unusual. Every mom has intense feelings of guilt - "If I had only...." then all would have been fine. What we learn is that we did the best we could and, I believe, our babies know that and they know we love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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The Story of Jason

Two days before our wedding we discovered that I was pregnant. We were so happy, life couldn't have been better!! From 6 weeks to 12 weeks the morning sickness was really bad, but we didn't care, it was worth it. At 20 weeks we had a call from the Doctor saying that one of the blood test results indicated there could be a problem and that I should have an amniocentesis. A week later we had the results - everything was fine!

At about 32 weeks I got a damaged rib which Jason took great delight in kicking continuously. At least we knew there was nothing wrong with his legs. Jason always moved a lot, some nights he would wake both of us with his kicking. He even managed to kick the phone off my stomach once.

In the morning of the 2nd of January 2001 he was moving as normal, but in the afternoon I felt a little sick so I had a sleep. I was feeling very tired because I was due on the 19th of January. The following day I noticed that he had stopped moving. We knew that babies tended to slow down towards the end so we wern't too worried. Jason had done this before as well and then started to move in the afternoon. By midday we contacted the hospital and they told me to drink something sweet as this would wake him up. After one hour he still hadn't moved.

We went to the hospital and they tried to find a heart beat. There was nothing. They then did a scan which showed Jason's heart had stopped. He was dead. We couldn't believe it, how could this have happened at this stage, after we'd gone through all this!

I was induced at midnight and 4.5 hours later I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. The silence was deafening when he'd been delivered. He was the image of both of us weighing 2.7 Kg and measuring 50cms. He was perfect. We left the hospital that night with empty arms.

The following week we had his funeral, so many people came, it was amazing to see how one little boy could have touched the hearts of so many. He's at the childrens garden in the cemetary which has a wonderful view of the lake and the Alps.

We're now trying to pick up the pieces of our life. We have a baby room with everything in it, the only thing it's missing is our son. Jason was our first child and we will make brothers and sisters for him, but this will take time. We have to try and heal a little first. He will always be our special little boy and we love him and miss him so much.

Becki & Andrew
Jason Dominic Shaw
January 4th 2001
2/10/01 (posted 4/1/01)

Entry #2 1/4/02

Thank you so very much for including another one of our little babies (Baby Shaw ~ 21st November 2001) on your website. One year ago today I lost Jason Dominic who was stillborn at 38.5 weeks and he is on section 12 of the virtual candles and his story is also on your site.

We now have some hopeful news. On Christmas day, out of the blue, we found out I was pregnant again. This was a totally unexpected and wonderful surprise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My Perfect Angels

I had the perfect pregnancy. Other than the normal body changes, I had no problems and that is very uncommon with a twin pregnancy. I did everything right. I went to all of my scheduled prenatal visits and even called the doctor if I thought that something was abnormal. Finally, the day I had been waiting for was just around the corner. I went to the hospital to have a nst on 1-24-01 and my babies were perfect.

Just 4 days later, I went into labor and there was no heart beat. I had to have an emergency c-section. When I awoke from the surgery, I had learned that my babies were stillborn. My physician said that they had passed only a couple hours prior to delivery.

At first, I thought that I was gonna be ok emotionally because I had just dealt with my father passing in the same year. Here it is a month later and I'm more depressed than ever.

I keep wondering if I did anything wrong. I keep playing the "what if" game. What if I had done this or that, would things be different? Everyone keeps telling me that we can try again, but I don't want another baby.

I want my twin girls. I guess the thing that comforts me and gets me through everyday is knowing that they are with their grandpa. They died not knowing the evils of the Earth. They were truely pure and perfect.

Darian Nova & Kaelin Star Jordan
3/2/01 posted April 1, 01

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Charles Dalton Wilson III

Learning that I was pregnant was a real joy to my husband and I. It was a very good pregnancy because I did not have any complications nor any morning sickness. I looked forward to my baby's arrival. I wanted to be a mother and care for my own child.

When I lost him, I was very sad and upset because he was so close to being with me. God gave me a beautiful gift and He had to take him back, that was really unfair. I know that He has plans for my little baby boy and I know that my baby is safe.

On March 16, 2001 around 6 pm I told my husband that I wasn't feeling a lot of kicks or movement of my baby. I told him that I feel him ball up a couple of times though. I was already on my 33rd week at that time. I told him I want to go to the Labor & Delivery to get checked and hear my baby's heartbeat. We called to tell them we were coming and they said okay.

When the nurse tried to the nurse tried to find my baby's heartbeat, he said he couldn't find it and he said he'll be back to bring someone else to try. A female doctor came, Dr. Slater tried also but couldn't. She called more doctors and tried using the ultrasound. That's when I panicked. I thought it takes three doctors to find my baby's heartbeat? Then I hear them whispering.

I was also watching the monitor, I can see my baby. One of the male doctor asked if I knew... that's when I started crying, my husband already knew, he came and whispered to me, "they probably made a mistake." I was praying to God to please give me my "little miracle."

I delivered on March 17, 2001 to a beautifl baby boy at 7:48 am. My little boy is in heaven and always and forever my little angel.

Charles Dalton Wilson III

"Charles Dalton Wilson III" by Alta (4/30/01) and "5 Months and counting..." by Alta (8/29/01,My son is suppose to be 7 months old today!!! by Alta (9/17/01), "Charles Dalton Wilson III" by Alta (5/17/01)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Our Little Valentine

Learning that my husband and I were expecting little pitter patter of baby's feet brought joyfull tears to our eyes. Little did we know, that it would all end with tears of anguish.

February 13, 2001 started like any other day. I was 34 weeks and counting the days until my baby would arrive. But by the time I had got home from work, something was wrong. I was experiencing contractions every ten minutes.

We went to the hospital were they performed several ultrasounds, I was totally oblivious to what was going on. I looked at my husband and he had tears in his eyes. Then the doctor told us both, "I am so sorry, We do not see/hear a heartbeat". How could this be I asked, the Doctor told me on February 9th that everything was great.

Eleven grueling hours later, I delivered our beautiful daughter, Madison Leigh, at 6:44 AM on February 14, 2001. She was just a vision, she looked just like her father. She was 2 pounds 13.3 ounces and was 15 inches long. The thought of her with God and that she is my Angel passes through my mind each and every day and brings a little peace to my broken heart.

Our daughter, Madison Leigh Guerin, Never took a breath, nor greeted the world with a bellow. But she Lived, and she will continue to live in our hearts and memories, ALWAYS.

Madison Leigh Guerin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Marco Alfredo

When we found out that we were pregnant, we were both smiling, after what we went through, me, leaving my family, crossing the ocean to go to your arms, two diferrent countries, cultures, and language. But the important thing is that our love was bigger than any ocean. Being pregnant now, was like we were blessed for our love.

During the pregnancy I did not fell sick in the mornings, and my stomach was not really big, but round and beautiful. But something inside was not ok.

I have never had thoughts about a living child in my arms, it was only the pregnancy, though I considered this strange. I did not pay much attention. I´m 22 so maybe this is the main reason.

When, in the fourth month, I dreamt it was a girl I knew it was going to be a boy, cause I wanted a girl! Later with the ultrasound we found out it was a boy. I told you to chose the name, and you only had in mind the name Marco, so we began to call him Marco.

When he began to kick, it was a strange feeling, how amazing is nature! - I use to tell myself.

My mother was going to come to visit us, to help us with the baby, for three wonderful months. I haven´t seen her for one year! Everything was just ok.

Once I had a headache so we went running to the hospital to check, and two days before we were in the routine control. Later I told my doc, that every time we were there, normally on Thursdays, two days after we would go to the hospital for something. But it was always that everything was ok.

The control of the week 35 came, and I was joking with my doc about going the next Saturday to the hospital, and that the next time we would come with my mother. I was so excited!!!.

It was Friday the 4th of May, on Saturday I didn´t feel Marco moving at the times he used to move. I told you, but we agreed that maybe he had no longer space enough to roll, and we were anxious. Maybe he was coming soon!!!!

Sunday the 6th, as I didn´t feel him moving I called my doc, and asked him what to do. I was joking about the fairy tale of the little boy calling the people saying the wolf was coming, at the end noone belived him, and the wolf actually came. My dc told me not to feel this way, he told me that in the hospital noone would blame me for going so often, so we decided not to go to that hospital, but to an ER. I was in a way laughing, and I even felt Marco moving!

I was wrong, the dc there couldn´t find Marco´s heartbeat!! He was joking that maybe he was hidden. Then in your language words (german) he told me he was really sorry, I didn´t know what to do, what to think, how could that happen??? On Friday was everything perfect!!!! There were only 4 weeks left!!

They sent us to the hospital we avoided going - to induce. We came back home, and I phoned my family. It was horrible, having them acroos the ocean, telling them that their grandson was dead.

We came back to the hospital, and they gave me something for the pain, and even a peridual. The worst was listening at women giving birth to thier living children. I remembre there was a woman shouting as if she was being killed. I told you to make that stupid woman shut up, that she was bringing a living child to the world. That she should stand the pain.

Monday the 7th at 13 pm Marco was stillborn. At the beginning I didn´t want to see him, then I said yes. We held him. I wish I would have held him for hours instead of minutes, but I just didn´t know what to do. The nurse asked if we had a camera whith us, and I though she was totally crazy. Luckily she took pictures of Marco and cut some hair. Now I thank her. I wish we would have made a lot of pictures with him. We did not.

My mom changed her ticket, and arrived on Wednesday the 9th, I was so down. I asked her "why, why my baby."

Nobody told us such things could happen. Even n our group with other pregnant women, they all had something to complain about. I didn´t. Never.

Marco was buried on Friday the 11th of May. My mom, who first on the phone told me not to see him, saw him, and cried a lot. She told she was wrong. It made her good to see him.

Today, 9th of June, my mom is gone. She left yesterday, and I´m totally alone at home. You work till 5pm every day. With mom here I was ok. Now I am horrible. If it weren´t for this wonderful page, I would not have anybody to talk with, so thank you guys.

I really want to get pregnant again, but I´m really afraid.

I hope there is someone there that can understand me, and help me. I need a friend. Someone.

That´s my story, about my angel, Marco, forever our first baby.

Marco Alfredo Leibold
Nuernberg, Bayern, Germany

Marcia's comments: Dear Griselda, I just posted your entry under "Sharing Stories, Our Experience, Thirdterm Unknown Cause." I hope you continue to find support here. Please email others on the site. I know that it seems so overwhelming when family "goes home," husbands are at work and the mom is left at home to remember and grieve - alone. You are not alone in your feelings or your reactions.

I have to share that your feelings of sensing something might not be quite right with your pregnancy have been shared by other parents. I, myself, felt that when I lost my baby. I'm not sure why we feel like that - it's almost like natures way of preparing us for what is to come.

Your feelings of not wanting to see your son and not being prepared for the loss are very normal. You are blessed that you had supportive nurses who gave you the opportunity to see and hold Marco. It is never long enough - no matter how long we have with our child. WE wanted a lifetime.

Bless your mom for coming, holding, staying and being so very supportive. Marco is her grandbaby and it took much for her to do what she thought, at first she shouldn't. I have letters from grandparents on the site that help us understand how they feel.

You can survive this by taking small, healing steps and by making Marco's presence in your life special - as you have already. I feel as though each of my children (living and in heaven) have helped make me who I am today. I healed after the hard task of grieving.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Our Little Angel

Sophie Jane Moore

Still born 27th May 2001

I have a son already who was born at 32 weeks and he is fine he is nearly 3 years old now. Then I fell pregnant again and we were both really excited jack would have a little brother or sister. Every thing was going well through the pregnancy. I was monitored quite closely because Jack was early.

When I got to 32 weeks I was a bit worried because I hadn't got past this before - any way everything was fine. I got to 35 weeks and had to go to hospital for a check up and the doctor said she wanted me to have a scan because she thought the baby was small but it was nothing to worry about.

I couldn't have a scan for 2 weeks as the scanners were all fully booked. I saw my midwife the same day and she said there was nothing to worry about. This was on the Monday.

Through the week every thing felt ok until the Saturday when I didn't feel Sophie move all day which was very strange for her as she was always very active. So I went to the Hospital and they couldn't see a heart beat.

That is the worst thing anyone could have said to me. I just felt numb and in disbeleif. How could anyone take my little angel from me. They induced me at 10pm that eveing and by 2am on the Sunday I had had my little girl who weighed 5lbs she had lovely black hair just like her dad. I expected her to start crying and that every thing would be alright but I realised that it wasn't. They took my little angel away.

Over the next few days all I felt was numb and that I was having a nightmare. Then reality sets in and you think yes it did happen.

I think about Sophie every day and just wish things could have been different and she could be here with us now. I miss her so much. I think I will always think of her and the pain will never go away. Jane

Sophie Jane Moore

Marcia's Comments: Your feelings are normal for after the loss of your most special baby. I know that we never forget them, and I have felt that all of my children (my two living sons and my three in heaven) have helped to make me who I am today.

Parent's share that their pain lessens and memories of the cherished moments while pregnant, as they held their baby and little things that they might do in their child's memory help to make this time a "bittersweet" part of their life help them along their path. We say that we NEVER have to "like" anything about our loss, but so healing does happen, we gradually weave our pain into our life's journey. Many feel that by making their child's presence in some way meaningful - they give their child and this part of their life special meaning.

We are dedicating the "Angel of Hope" statue here in Atlanta in October and the theme is "Taking on Wings" Making Our Child's Presence Meaningful. Many will buy memorial bricks to place in the angel's garden. These bricks are one way to validate the importance of our little ones in our life. Mementos and special occasions can help us to heal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Memories of Malcolm

I remember when I first found out that I was really pregnant. Angelica was 9 and I was in shock. At first I could not believe it. Then I saw him. A tiny speck of a baby... my baby.

I had had a miscarriage at nine weeks so this pregnancy was something special. His father and I were at odds. While we were not married, we had been together for a number of years and had know each other since 7th grade. Inspite of a less than exciting time with my partner, I was so excited about my son.

I told my boss (an Episcopal priest) and explained that I was seeing a high-risk doctor to monitor my pregnancy. I even told him that my baby's name would be Malcolm. He laughed at the idea of me being 3 weeks pregnant and feeling like I knew this was a boy. Little did I know that my blessing and bonding would be one that would end in sorrow.

All seemed well. I went to the doctor at 35 weeks (on a Thursday) and heard Malcolm's heart beating as usual. I even kidded that I was so ready to have him with my doctor, who had only recently found out that she too was pregnant.

The following Wednesday, I went to labor and delivery because I had noticed that I hadn't felt Malcolm moving. While in my mind I wanted to believe that nothing was wrong, in my heart I felt scared and empty. When the oncall doctor confirmed that Malcolm was no longer with me, I felt like I would never be whole again. My heart still aches and this is the first time in my life that I have truly been able to say to anyone just how I feel.

I found out today that I am having a son. I am so afraid to hope and prepare for this baby that until I began to show, I told no one of my pregnancy. We don't really know what happened to Malcolm and I don't know if I can survive that pain again.

I loved Malcolm and no other baby can take his place. My daughter Angelica still hurts and even cries now and then when we see something that reminds her of her little brother. I know she is excited about Jabari (that is the name of the son I am carrying now) as am I, but our love and grief for Malcolm taints our joy with pain.


Malcolm Amir
June 14, 2000

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My Lost Love - Zachary Scott

My heart aches so much that I can not even explain it. I have an emptiness inside that will not go away. This horrible tragedy was not a possibility, why would I even consider it? No one ever discussed a loss in pregnancy so late in the third trimester. I wanted this baby so much. Two weeks ago, we buried my baby boy - Zachary Scott. Since then time just stands still.

At 35 weeks I thought I was going into premature labor. My concern was that the baby would be too small. If only I knew. I had menstrual like cramps for a few days; however, I just saw my doctor three days earlier and everything was fine. The baby's heart beat was normal and a sonogram showed the baby in breach position. I told the doctor that I was feeling crampy and he said that was normal. The baby was not as active as before, however, I thought it was because there just was not as much room. Now I keep asking myself "what if....." What if I was more persistent with my doctor - could I have saved my baby? I know I have to stop doing this because there is nothing that can change what happened.

When I got to the doctor's office they said I was not in premature labor and wanted to put me on a fetal montior. The nurse struggled to find a heart beat and said that a sonogram would be able to determine the baby's position better. I went into the sonogram room and we saw the baby. I felt reassured for a mere instance.

We saw the rib cage... but where was the heart beating? I did not see it and the nurse was silent. I finally had enough courage to ask if the baby was moving... the nurse said it wasn't. I was absolutely hysterical. Thank God my husband was by my side.

My world was crushed! What do you mean? I do not understand? What happened? I still do not understand. How???? Why???? There are no answers. I have been told it was an "unexplained accident".

I knew I just needed to get to the hospital. Maybe everything would be okay. It wasn't. It would only get worse. I would have to be induced and give birth to my child I so dreamed of.... except the baby would not be alive. How could the world be so cruel?

After 10 hourse of labor... two epidurals and demerol... I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy. He was 6 pounds 11 ounces and looked absolutely perfect. His name was Zachary Scott.

After the doctors cleaned up the baby, my husband and I held him. He just looked so normal, but he was cold. I wished I held him longer but I was scared of death. Now that I look back on it, I wish I could have held him forever!

We had a memorial service at the cemetery two days later. Sitting here writing this, I still can not believe I buried my baby two weeks ago.

We have so much support from our family and friends, and that does help, but it is not enough. People tell me it will take time. One day at a time.

The baby's due date is coming up in a few weeks. I am not looking forward to that date. I will make it through it, I have no choice.

I now am so grateful for everything I have in my life and how precious loved ones are to me. I am truly blessed with a wonderful and supportive husband and my 3 1/2 year old twins who mean the world to me. However, there is a void in my life and a sadness that will always be with me. I also, feel very vulnerable. If this tragedy could happen - what else? I hope that someday soon my life will have some sort of normalcy but it just seems so far off.

It truly helps to talk to people about what has happened. Knowing that other people have gone through the same experience provides strength and courage. Although I cry when I read other stories, it is comforting to know that we are not alone in our pain.

Zachary Scott

Marcia's thoughts: Your thoughts are very normal about the "what if's" and the upcoming due date. You can read other mother's thoughts and ideas for the due date time under "Holidays, Anniversaries and Due Dates" (see Main Drop Down Box). This will be a difficult time, but there are some things that help you through it.

Part of the grieving process for any loss, is the guilt as we address the "what ifs and only ifs." Guilt in grief is what makes us revisit over and over the pretime of the loss and question ALL we did or didn't do in hopes of a way to figure out how to FIX it. It drives us for a long time. We have to keep reminding ourselves that we did the best we could in a situation that we have never experienced before. And, even when we have had similar situations we can't always take care of every issue. At some point, we forgive ourselves for any preceived wrong and our grief eases. We use a lot of energy as we grieve and it takes time and patience to work through all of our issues. As you say, you are not alone, many of us have walked this path and part of our gift is to be here for you as you struggle with this walk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Little Person

Here I sit another sleepless night. Trying to cry myself to sleep. You would have been two months old today. It was only 10 short months ago (Jan 8th 7:30am) that I was so happy, words cannot explain the feeling. The baby I have wanted for so long was on the way. I only had to wait 9 more months to see you. Your Daddy nicknamed you LP, short for Little Person.

The first 6 months were fairly normal. I was borderline gestational diabetes so they told me to eat like I was a diabetic. I went to the trusty Internet and learned how to eat like a diabetic. I was a perfect diabetic except for the Coke Icee I had every other Sunday. Well it turns out that I am RH negative. All the sudden they want me to get a shot. Well I got the shot that numbed my arm for an hour. Still everything was fine although I had horrible upper right pain.

You stopped moving. They told me you had turned head down. They told me that since I was such a small person that at 32 weeks you had the amount of room that a normal baby has at 40 weeks. I shouldn’t expect much movement. They told me the stretching I felt was you.

Well time went on. I started seeing spots and having horrible migraines. They told me if this persisted that I was to go to a neurosurgeon.

More time passed. I still had the migraines. My blood pressure goes up. You are still not moving. I get really upset and tell the doctor that you are still not moving. He listened to your heartbeat for a while and sent us home.

We go to our regular doctor’s appointment and they cannot find a heartbeat. We go to the hospital. They cannot find a heartbeat. These people actually sounded surprised. I had been telling them for over a month. The stretching that I felt was not you because I still felt it.

Finally after over 24 hours of pitocin and horrible shaking and the crash cart outside my door I finally got to see you. You had red curly hair and big feet. You were the most beautiful being I have ever seen in my life. They cleaned you up and dressed you in a little sailor suit. They wanted to hand you too me but the 2nd epidural numbed me to the point I couldn’t breathe and I was still blue and trying to pass out. I was so afraid I would drop you. Your Memaw sat with you for an hour next to me. It was so real, I just knew you would wake up and look at me. When your Daddy had you I kept wanting to ask how you were doing. I was now so sad that words could not explain the feeling.

Your Daddy is the most wonderful man on the earth. He never left my side and he never will.

Your Grandma has described the angel that was there with us. She has been a nurse for many many years and has heard many stories about angels. If she says she saw an angel, I am sure she did. I asked God for help and I believe he sent an angel. I am still wondering if that angel was you.

The strangest thing happened. Our church sent over the preacher from our wedding. This is a very large church. The odds of seeing the same preacher twice is statistically slim. He did not put on the best show at our wedding. We got married the day of the 1993 blizzard. Everyone thought that the preacher was pulling me aside to tell me everything was okay. He was pulling me aside to tell me that we were all going to die if we didn’t go home. Some how I think he missed the idea that day.

The preacher performed a sort of dedication ceremony at the hospital chapel. He did a wonderful job I am told. I sort of heard what he said. I spent the entire time holding you and staring into your face. I felt the strangest calm. You were wearing a cute bunny gown that your Memaw bought for you and you were wrapped in your Daddy’s baby blanket. I studied every curve in your face and your little curls escaping from your little bunny hat. It was the most wonderful moment of my life. I hid in the chapel while your Daddy gave you to the nurse. I couldn’t handle the thought of giving you away forever.

There were close to a hundred people at your funeral. We just had a graveside service. Your Daddy and I didn’t want them poking at you anymore that what was already done for your autopsy. You were buried with your Daddy’s blanket and your Mommy’s teddy bear. The same preacher did a wonderful sermon and someone sang some wonderful songs, I was told. I once again I thought of your perfect face.

Your Grandma was convinced that the doctors killed you and she was not going to let them kill me. My blood pressure was still messed up and some other stuff. I went to the doctor and so did my mother. She ripped my doctor apart. She forced her to do several tests I am sure that she would not have done. They all came back somewhat normal, supposedly. At least I was not going to die, unfortunately.

My mother has found a lawyer. He was recommended by an OB that said, “This gross negligence has to stop”. Ironically this OB was sued by this lawyer and the lawyer won. I think suing is a worthless process. Everyone is trying to convince me that it may make these doctors listen to their patient’s closer.

Well my postpartum comes around. Jennifer at Share told me that I should try to be nice to my doctors. This might help me get a better response. I took a list in and asked her all the questions I could think of. The doctor nonchalantly told me that there was nothing wrong with me and that they had no idea what happened to you. She kept wanting to give me drugs. I continued to refuse. I was still nice. I asked for a copy of my records because I read on the Share website that it was my right to have them. I wanted to send them to Dr. Collins, hoping he could give a better explanation. The doctor said why because you want to sue. I was still nice.

Well little Justin I am still trying to figure out what lesson God is trying to teach me. I am hoping that someday I will make sense of all this. I will forever blame myself for your passing. I will always wish that you were here with your Daddy instead of me. I have learned a few things though. I will always fight for the people I love even if that means being rude or causing someone not to like me. I will stand up for myself and not let people push me aside. I believe even more now that life is precious and we should cherish every moment.

Mommy and Daddy miss you very much.

Justin Christopher Morgan

Marcia's Comments: Sheri, you did so many special things for Justin, and it is clear how much love is shared in your family. I can vision his sweet curls sticking out from under the bunny hat. We love our dear little ones so much, don't we. I still see so much of that time of my life as if in a dream.

I think you are wise to seek some answers from other supportive doctors. Most of our moms learn to be assertive as they decide the path they will travel after a loss. We discuss guilt is our way to try to figure out what we did wrong in order to fix it. Well, I don't believe we did anything wrong. I do think we can do the most we can in order to cover every base there is so that we can feel extra good about the doctors that will carry us through our next pregnancy (if we choose to get pregnant again - most do).

We gradually learn to forgive ourselves for anything we preceive we might have done. Our baby would not want us to walk around with that kind of pain the rest of our lives. But, all of this is involved in the process of grieving. These are the very things we talk about in our groups. In our discussions we learn we all carry similar concerns and fears and that we will survive this tragedy. We are glad to have each other for support.

One thing we try to do is take the special memories we have, treasure them and use them to make, in some way, our baby's presence in our lives meaningful. That way our baby becomes part of our fabric and can strengthen us. I think you have already found some of the stronger threads.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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