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"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts - Along this Path

Remembering Our Babies- Third Term Loss - Unknown or Uncertain Cause - Entries 2000

Thomas has put life
into perspective for me,
Life and Love are everything.
Dunfermline, UK

Entries on this page

"Alanah Rose Bond" by Kerri (3/30/00)

"Saying Goodbye before Hello" by Kelly (4/6/00)

"Miles Above Us" by Sally (5/22/00 posted 6/8/00 and 11/28/00)

"Heights and Depths" by Melina ( 6/25/00 posted 7/12/00)

"In Loving Memory of Our Baby Ivory Anderson" by Alima (7/31/00)

"Jessica Anne's Story...." by Kathy (10/31/00)

"My son Jack" by Vanessa (10/19/00)

"Hello and thank you for sharing your stories" by Gina (11/6/00)

My son born still at 8 months: To my sweet baby boy Jacob Michael Aungst 11-8-00" by Michelle (11/28/00)

"Precious Child" by Angela (12/6/00)

Alanah Rose Bond, Our Little Angel Too Special to Keep

My little angel Alanah Rose was born on 10th January 2000 at 2:50pm weighing in at 6lb 10oz, a great weight for 37 weeks. It appears that she died at about lunch time the previous day, this was the last time I remember movement. I think I will remember it until the day I die though.

My pregnancy finally began after 14 long months of trying, all my other pregnancies had happened either in the first month or without trying (I even fell pregnant on the pill once!).

Nine weeks in, I had my first stay in hospital with a threatened misscarriage. I went in at about 11:00pm and couldn't have an ultrasound until late the next morning. Thankfully, it showed a healthy little jelly bean.

I felt my first movements around 14 weeks and she was always very active from then on. At 16 weeks I was in hospital again this time with high blood pressure, headaches, vomiting. Again Alanah was doing just fine.

At 21 weeks after spending the night vomiting, I had a funny loss of some mucus, I had been going to go to work but decided that maybe I should see my GP because of this. Thank God I did, he found me 3cm dilated and membranes buldging.

Withing half an hour I was in theatre with my OB/Gyn putting in a suture. Then I was flat on my back with my feet elevated (a most comfortable way to spend your nights) for a week to make sure that I didn't continue with labour. I was also diagnosed with an irritable uterus which meant that my braxton hicks contractions really hurt and occurred almost constantly. Again they assured me that Alanah was doing just fine, it was only me that was suffering.

The plan was that they would remove the stich at 38 weeks and induce labour, providing I held out that long.

I then spent more time in hospital at 30 weeks with more threatened prem-labour which they treated with a drip, ventolin and steroids for Alanah's lungs. They managed to hold it off again, the stitch was still in place and I hadn't dilated any further. Alanah still doing just fine.

From this time on I really began to worry. Alanah's movements seem to really slow down and I would have long periods without any movement at all. They did numerous CTG's and assured me they were fine, however I wasn't so sure, her heartbeat was VERY erratic, it would go right up to over 200bpm and then drop down to about 115bpm.

On Thursday 6th January, at 36 weeks 4 days, after spending the day at work in increasing pain because of the contractions and with a feeling of heaviness I went to to hospital again. My blood pressure was 165/105, I had what I considered to be severe swelling(they said it was moderate) and ++ protien. The locum (my OB/Gyn was on holidays) decided that he would remove the stitch, keep me in overnight and decide in the morning whether to induce then or on Monday at 37 weeks.

We now know that he made the wrong decision. Friday morning and Alanah had an excellent CTG, my blood pressure had come down to 145/90 but still had swelling and ++ protein. So I was sent home with urine sticks and told to come in Monday to have my baby.

My protein remained the same on Friday but by Saturday was down to +. I took this as a good sign. I spent the week-end finally making some preparations for Alanah. Up to this point, I had been working full-time (something I hope I will be able to forgive myself for at some stage) and just hadn't done anything at all.

Matt and the kids and I were so excited, we were finally going to met this long-awaited completion of our family.

Monday morning I was up at about 2am, unable to sleep, so I was on the internet reading birth stories, I remember reading the title of one about stillbirth and skipping over it, because that could never happen to me. I also remember that my belly felt really strange, sort of hard and really heavy, I assumed it was because Alanah had engaged even more.

I presented at the hospital at 7:30am and Matt ran the kids round to the day-care Mum's. Our wonderful midwife, Jan took me into the labour ward and immediately hooked me up to the CTG. Well she couldn't find a heartbeat and told me it was just that she was tired, at this stage I wasn't really that worried. She left the room and while I was waiting for Matt to come back I tried poking and prodding her but all to no avail, by the time Matt arrived I just knew she was dead.

The Dr then arrived and tried again to find her heartbeat but to no avail and then he said the words I will never forget "I'm terribly sorry I can't find a heartbeat, it appears we've lost the baby" he was so full of remorse, blaming himself.

It was no-one's fault. We then had to wait to have it confirmed by ultrasound before induction could begin. At this stage we had to start letting people know, how were we going to tell the kids that the baby I had promised them not an hour ago was not going to stay.

We had our loss confirmed by ultrasound at 9:15 then had the gel inserted. Mild, sporadic contractions followed until 1:30 when the Dr returned to break my waters. Boy did they hot up then, but the epidural was in within half an hour and that made things so much easier.

Anyway it seems I only had about 10 real contractions and then I began pushing, three pushes later and our little angel was born. The thing that still really gets to me was the deafening SILENCE. Birth and death should never go hand in hand, my son screamed the place down when he was born and I just couldn't believe how completely different this was.

I also wasn't prepared for how perfect she would be. I felt (and still feel) really guiltly that my birth was so easy, I feel I should have had a terrible amount of pain and trauma to match the emotional mess I'm in.

It's been 11 weeks now and I feel we're a little way down the long road to recovery. I only hope that she's happy, wherever she is and that she knows how very,very much her family loves and misses her every single day.

Alanah Rose Bond
10 jan 2000

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Saying Goodbye before Hello

It has been 3 weeks since my world changed. I'm a healthy 25 year old woman who wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I had never looked more forward to anything else in my life.

I was a day shy of 37 weeks and I went in for my regular check-up. I considered myself a model patient because I had done everything right and every test had come back with perfect results, I had an uneventful pregnancy with no mishaps. Who could have guessed the news I had to receive.

The doctor could not detect a heartbeat- this had never happened before but I did not panic thinking his hand held monitor may have needed batteries or anything. He sent me to the local hospital to get an ultrasound, I was still unaware that there were any problems. I was more excited to be able to have another ultrasound since I hadn't gotten one since 9 weeks. I wanted to see how big the baby was.

I arrived to a few nurses ushering me around and I put on the Johnnie and got on the bed. I looked up and saw my doctor, I had not planned on him being there- they shut the lights off in the room and the panic set in. I looked straight up at the ceiling because I did not want to know the sex of the baby.

Everything was quiet for about 5 minutes then I heard a nurse say " Do you see what I see?" Then I heard it "fetal demise" What was that? In all my reading I had not known that word, but it didn't sound good. I asked what that meant and they told me there wasn't any fetal movement and the baby didn't have a heartbeat.

My baby who had been so perfect wasn't breathing. Complete shock is what hit and total numbness is all I felt. Our dreams were shattered and reality was now just a hard disbelief.

I had wonderful nurses see me through a rather easy delivery and at 12:30am, on Monday March 13th, I delivered a beautiful baby girl. Perfect in every way.

Our lives have been changed forever and for some reason we were chosen to be blessed by this Angel. This is what I have to believe. We laid Kiera Rose to rest on Friday- St. Patrick's day. Although the weather had been beautiful and it had gotten warmer- it snowed that day. I took it as a sign of purity and innocence- my baby was home.

She touched many lives in her short little time and she knew only good. I miss her everyday and I only hope that she feels the love her Daddy and I have for her. You are my sweet angel Kiera Rose, I love you! Mommy

Kiera Rose Fitzpatrick

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Miles Above Us

I was due June 10, 2000 with my first baby. We had decided not to find out the baby's gender, we wanted to be surprised. Little did we know what a surprise we were in for. I was so excited to be finally becoming a Mommy. I felt like I had been waiting all my life.

We had only 8 wks until we could bring our baby home. On Wednesday April 12 we went in for a routine check up. I told the nurse when she was taking my blood pressure that I hadn't felt the baby move all morning. But I had been told by people at work, and had read, that the baby would have less dramatic movements as he got bigger and had less room, so I tried not to worry too much. I had called in at 27 weeks and hadn't felt much movement for several hours and was told that it was too early to worry about that and in fact we had an ultrasound that day and the baby was all curled up on my left side and just didn't have much room to move, although he was fine and growing normally. I had started to get more worried this time, but I never thought that anything could really be WRONG.

When the nurse tried to find the heartbeat she couldn't, and told us that it was a new monitor and she was going to go get a different one that she was more used to. She never came back in. Instead the dr came in with the portable ultrasound. She looked and looked for a long time and I knew by the look on her face after a minute that something was wrong. She kept pushing harder and harder on my abdomen. Finally she put her hand on my leg and said,"I'm so sorry, but I think what's happened is that your baby has died." I will never forget those words.

My doctor was going to be out of town the next day (Thursday) for something she said she could not reschedule, and since she wanted to be there for my delivery we arranged to go into the hospital that evening so that by the time we actually delivered the next day, she'd be there.

So they started the Cytotech (tablet suppository put up near my cervix) Th evening at 6:30 and every 4 hrs after that and then they were going to start the Pitocin Friday morning. I was having mild contractions by 10pm but they said that I wasn't dilating much yet.

I had wanted to have the whole natural birth thing but decided that it was sort of pointless to endure more physical pain than necessary under the circumstances, so I went ahead and had Demerol at about midnight. When that wore off I decided I wanted the epidural. By this time it was about 3am on Friday the 14th. I still was feeling some pressure around my cervix and vagina, even though I couldn't feel anything else at all from the waist down. The nurse said that sometimes that's from having a full bladder, so she emptied it with a catheter and it did help for a while.

Then that feeling of pressure came back a few minutes later. I called to tell the nurse just to be sure. (My husband had decided to take a nap since everyone expected it would be a while still when they checked me at the time the epidural was put in, and I was needing him less since my pain was so medicated.) When the nurse came in and checked me, my water broke immediately.

She yanked the call cord out of the wall and immediately about 10 nurses and the dr on call came in and our little baby boy, Miles was born. They never gave me the Pitocin and I never even had to push!! They wrapped him up and handed him to me.

He was so perfect and beautiful, except for his color and the fact that he wasn't breathing and his heart wasn't beating. And that room was SO deafeningly quiet. How I wished he would just scream and the whole thing would've been a nightmare and we could all wake up. But that didn't happen. He was 17 inches long and weighed 4 pounds 13 ounces, which is pretty big (I'm told) for only 32 wks.

We both held him, although now I wish I had held him a lot longer. But the placenta wouldn't deliver and they had to take me into the OR and do a D&C. They were afraid I would hemmorhage otherwise. Before they did that though we both held him and I had my husband take one picture of him while I was holding him. Now I wish we had many more pictures, but at the time I didn't know what I would want.

The nurse said he had reddish hair and asked if I wanted her to clip a little to tape to the card with his footprints. So I do have that and I am so grateful to her, because I hadn't even noticed his hair while I held him. I did unwrap him a little and count toes and fingers, but I never turned him over or looked at his whole little body. I wish I had.

It's been 5 weeks now and it seems like so much longer than the 32 weeks that I was pregnant with him. I really enjoyed being pregnant. Even the aches and swelling and tiredness. I loved it all. I really miss it and resent the fact that we don't have our baby here with us to hold and nurture. I have all this nurturing energy and nothing to do with it. I am planning to plant a garden but I don't think that's going to cut it somehow. Plus I'm in Texas and it's already 90 degrees these days!

We just got the autopsy results back a few days ago. Basically it told us nothing conclusive. That really bothers me because I am a very analytical person and need definite answers to things. There was one test that was to check his chromosomes to see if there was an error in the way they were formed. The test didn't work. Nothing grew on the culture plate. My dr called to talk to the pathologist who did the autopsy and the technician who ran the actual tests. They said that they got a sufficient sample but that it looked like it had been about a week between the time of death and delivery and that if it's been more than a day or two that test usually doesn't work.

Looking back, the last time I definitely remember him moving WAS almost a week before he was born. I don't know for sure if that was the last time he moved, I was so used to him moving that I didn't really notice it that much anymore. And I would get so busy during the day that I wouldn't notice until I got home at night. I WISH I HAD BEEN KEEPING BETTER TRACK OF HIS MOVEMENTS! Not that it would have saved him, I'm told it wouldn't have mattered, but I would have some peace of mind knowing that I paid more attention to him and that I might have a better idea of when he died.

So since the autopsy was inconclusive we are to assume that it was a cord accident that was not apparant after delivery. The dr checked the whole cord (my husband watched her) and said there weren't any knots and she couldn't feel any kinks. But supposedly it could be pinched between the baby's shoulder and my pubic bone or something.

In a way I am glad that they didn't find anything wrong and that we had a perfect baby and that it was something so freaky and rare that it's not likely to happen again. But it wasn't likely to happen once and it did. And I sort of wish they had found something that could be "fixed."

I want a baby so bad. Why couldn't we take him home? I want to be pregnant again NOW, I don't want to feel my tummy flat (well, not FLAT, but empty). I feel so EMPTY. But in another way, I never want to go through another loss and if being pregnant means that, then I don't know if I can do that.

Miles was our first baby, the first boy on my side (my brother has two perfect daughters), and the first grandchild on my husband's side. I feel bad for our parents too.

I know it's hard for people to know what to say or do, but the people I work with are pretty severe cases I think. One of my bosses didn't even say hi to me the whole first week I was back after having Miles. Another co-worker, who I thought was my friend, told me to "forget about it and start laughing and enjoying" my life again. Those were her exact words, after 3 weeks!

Luckily, my family and a few friends have been really helpful. and I have found a lot of new friends on the web and a lot of good books. One of the books I highly recommend is: Pregnancy After a Loss by Carol Cirulli Lanham. It has a lot of good info and ideas if you're even considering another pregnancy.

Also, there's a message board that I go to at There's a lot of people there who've lost a child although many of them were older children (at least older than ours). But I've found it to help me a lot sometimes. Everyone there understands what it's like to lose a child and there are a few of us who lost an infant or had a stillborn. I haven't made it to a support group meeting yet as they only meet once a month and the only time they've met so far, I just couldn't go yet. I plan to go soon.

If anyone wants to email me please feel free. I know that it helps to hear other peoples' stories and know that you're not alone. and peace...

Miles Daniel
Austin, TX
5/22/00 (posted 6/8/00)

Marcia's thougths: In our drop down box under "The First 24 Hours and Later", "Allowing Grief to Happen to HEal", "Co-Workers, Family and friends Menu" and many of the Sharing Stories titles speak to these issues. You are not alone in how you feel. This is a difficult loss and many in our society are not aware of this fact. As I have said, and others, too, society does not really know how to deal with death in general. But, I feel as though we are learning more each day. Carol Lanham spoke with our group in March and she and I spent a wonderful evening together. Her book IS excellent.

Entry - update 11/28/00 -Update:

We met with a perinatologist a few months ago to obtain a second opinion about the cause of Miles's death since the autopsy was inconclusive. He said he would NOT assume it was a cord accident and that he actually thinks that's assumed too often when there are all kinds of other reasons that a baby can die before (or during) birth that often go unrecognized on an autopsy. Since Miles was of a good size and proper proportion for his gestational age he could rule out many options. He said he thought that for some (unknown)reason Miles's little heart just stopped beating. He compared it to a healthy teenager out playing ball who just drops dead from a heart-attack, not common but it happens. He said it could happen again, but is VERY unlikely and that in a future pregnancy they would perform more frequent monitoring and include more detailed types of monitoring as well. He said that as long as we made it to 32 weeks the baby could be delivered early and stay in NICU for a few weeks. Of course, none of this made me feel any better to hear, especially since Miles was exactly at 32 weeks when he died. But it was sort of easier to accept than a cord accident since there was nothing significant about his cord or the placenta.

It has been a little over 7 months and the days are easier but not without trial. My husband and I get a lot of healing out of going to our Pregnancy Loss Support Group every month and have also been going to a private marriage counselor. (Please don't be afraid to seek professional help. If you can find the right person it can really help. We're on our third counselor and I think we found the right one now. Shop around!) My husband is having serious doubts about his desire to raise a family since our loss in April. I, of course, am hoping his feelings will change back and he will remember how excited he was about becoming a dad and how much Miles added to our lives during the short time we had him. He'd be a great Dad! So, this is a very serious and troubling issue for us. If anyone else is experiencing anything similar I'd love to hear from you. There's not many out there that I've found who are in the same boat.


Marcia's thoughts: Dads (like moms) have various reactions around the subsequent baby. Some are ready way before the mom is - others, like your husband, need more time to be ready to take the "risk" to try again. They don't want to have to even think about the pain of loss. Often it takes about a year to work through these feelings. You have been approaching all of this in a healthy manner. The counseling, group, and medical follow-up is positive in the sense of trying to get a grip around all that has happened.

Getting through the first year "holidays" and anniversary is another significant hurdle. Trying to deal with the thoughts of another pregnancy at this time of the year is often more than can be handled. It is surprising to me to see how much folk's feelings can change after they have moved through these times. I understand that when one spouse is ready to move on and the other is not, that that is difficult. But, the time frame of a year, though it seems long in this fast paced society - is not in the world of the grieving process. Grieving and moving along (I believe) should be thought as in little sound bites - trying to predict how you will feel, often even the next day(!), is difficult.

Perhaps, you might consider, first dealing with ways to cope through the holidays. Giving yourself some concrete ways to express your feelings might help both you and your husband. (See Holidays in the drop down box.) Then continue to form a plan for a subsequent pregnancy so that you both know what the medical directives would include. Continue group and counseling, as needed. You might consider ordering Tom Golden's books on Men's Grief (these are referenced on his website-a link is under Links/Group, General Grief). These are, I believe, helpful for men who are dealing with the confusion and pain of grief. Then as Mile's anniversary arrives - move through that time.

As I have said (and others say the same), grief is not a moment in time. It takes time and work to move through-as humans we constantly regroup as we do work through it - which is the good news! So, be gentle with yourselves - don't force statements or decisions.

Just some of my thoughts...based on what I have seen in myself and with those online as well as in the group here in Atlanta during the last 16 years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Heights and Depths

I was twelve days late and we were impatiently waiting our babies arrival. My first son had been ten days late and the next son only three so I was surprised that this one had not come on time.

I had a non-stress test on Thursday and an ultrasound on Friday. The Dr. felt that it would be okay to wait until Monday and then induce if I had not gone into labor on my own.

On Saturday night the contractions started around 10:00. They were very close together right from the beginning. We went to the hospital around 2:00AM. I was already pushing when my midwife got there.

Amelia was born within a few minutes. I was so excited. She had come so quicky I had hardley had to push and most of all it was a girl. We had waited to find out. I wanted to be surprised. I could not believe that it was a girl. I was overjoyed. This was going to be our last baby.

There had been some muconium in the fluid when she was born so the midwife had handed her over to an aspiration team immediately. My first son had been in a similar situation so I did not think there was anything really wrong. There were at least 10 people working on her and I started to realize that this was a little more serious. My midwife was sewing me up as quick as she could. By now she knew that there was a serious problem.

Amelia's heart was not beating when she was born. Somewhere in the last 24 hours before her birth her heart had stopped. Finally all the neo natal doctors files out and the midwife went over and brought Amelia to us in one swift movement. It was not until that moment that I realized that she was not alive. The shock was unbelievable. Never in my wildest imagination had I thought that I would lose a child this way. My husband and I could do nothing but howl and sob. I don't think I shall ever forget that moment.

"Natalyn Rose and Amelia Claire" by Melina (subsequent pregnancy support)(2/9/02)

Amelia Claire
April 30, 2000
Atlanta, GA (attends group)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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In Loving Memory of Our Baby Ivory Anderson

On Saturday,July 15,2000, our baby was born but she had already passed. I never got to see my baby move or hear her cry. I never got to nestle her close to my breast and feel the warmth of her mouth as she suckled my breast. I thought it was so un-fair to hear other newborn cries drifting down the hallway into my silent grief laden room. Why had God taken my baby away? I wondered why did God let me carry my baby for 38 long weeks just to give me such heartache.

Ivory was so beautiful and perfect. She weighed over 10lbs. and I could see her father in her pretty little face. I could see myself too. It is so amazing how two people who love each other can create such a creature.

Leaving the hospital without our baby was the toughest thing to do. I saw the hurt and anguish in my husband's face as we realized that our hopes and dreams for our little Ivory were lost forever. It has only been a little over two weeks since our loss but I know that some day things will get better. I have up and down days. There are times when I just want to shut the world out and grieve alone and times when I need someone to talk to. There are other fears and anxieties that I experience and I hold on to the hope that one day I will be able to look at my baby's pictures and think of when I first held her in my arms and smile as I cherish the nine months that I did have with her. I realize that nothing can take that experience away from me. We miss you so much Ivory.

Love, Mommy, Daddy, and Big Sister

Ivory Anderson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My son Jack

My son Jack was born still on July 24 2000, he was my firstborn son, closely followed 10 minutes later by his beautiful twin brother Luke. We have a 5 year old daughter and waited so long to decide whether to have another baby as we had so many problems with her.

We were excited to be pregnant again although that was short lived on my behalf as I soon was hit with unbearable morning sickness for 20 weeks. Imagine our surprise and delight at the first scan at 20 weeks to find out we were two adorable baby boys.

I was closely monitored from then on and all appeared to be well. Both boys were a great size and everything seemed perfect with them.

My waters broke at 33 weeks and I was taken to a larger hospital in Sydney Australia which was better equiped for premmie babies although I was assured my boys would be fine as they were such healthy sizes: already over 2kilos each at 32 weeks.

I was given a drug to help open there lungs up and put on bed rest to see how things progressed. I started having contractions on the 22 July and the boys were being constantly traced. The contractions progressed to 10 minutes apart. It was just a matter of waiting.

Then suddenly the contractions stopped. I was taken back to the ward and carried on with my bed rest and constant traces and monitoring. Everything was fine.

I went to bed at 12.00am on 24 July after being traced again and was told the boys heartbeats were "perfect." I awoke at 4.00am with back pain but decided not to say anything as I had false alarms before, then at 6.00am I told a midwife who then inturn called a doctor.

I was taken to the delivery ward and traced again, only this time I was in full labour having heavy contractions. Then all of a sudden by boys "perfect" heartbeats had become one "perfect" heartbeat. I was in shock, total devastation in that instance my world and dreams were shattered forever. I knew though I had to go on to deliver Jack in order to let Luke come safely into this world.

Jack was born at 11.55am and he was perfect. He was just still. Then 10 minutes later our precious second son made his grand entrance full of life but wondering, and still now 3 months later, he is forever looking for his "other half".

No reason was ever found for Jack's death even after an autopsy and 6 weeks waiting for an explanation nothing was found.

It all seem so senseless. We lost our firstborn son; our daughter lost her brother she so longingly waited for; and worst of all our twin son lost his soul mate and part of him. Jack took a part of us with him when he left, but we are glad he did he can hold onto it until we are all lucky enough to meet up with him one day. We take comfort in the thought of him being lovingly looked after by his sweet Nanna.

We waited so long for you Jack
Then so quickly you were gone
Such a tiny life
Such a huge impact!!!

Jack Raymond Fuller
24 July 2000

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Jessica Anne's Story....

I wanted to write the group for sometime now. I have gained strength by attending the Share meetings and meeting some of you. Thank You! I have wanted to express my feelings after losing our daughter, Jessica Anne, on April 4, 2000, but have often had a hard time putting it into words.

I wrote this poem for my husband, Jay, for Father's Day. See below. I framed and matted it for him and gave it to him as an expression of my love for him as well as our stillborn daughter. I can send it as a JPEG image as well. I think it really says what is in my heart and the place I have come to now. I wanted to share it with the group in the event it might help someone else. We have it hanging in what would have been Jessica's room.

While life has seemed to march on and me with it, I guess, I still have a place in my heart that can never be filled. It still hurts! Time does have a way of healing, but even time will not remove the emptiness I still feel about losing Jessica.

We have tried to remain positive for ourselves and our 3 year old son, Alex. Alex has truly been a blessing in all of this. He has been a bright spot in our lives when we thought we had none. Alex is a reminder everyday of what we have to be thankful for. We have been able to feel Jessica's presence through Alex many times over the last few months.

Alex has said things that I believe were messages from our daughter or signs from God. The morning after we told him that his baby sister had gone to heaven to be with God, he woke up crying mournfully. Not the typical cry of a cranky toddler, but a very different cry. One I had never heard before and haven't heard since. As Alex calmed down and laid between us, he very slowly and calmly said "My baby sister is telling Jesus she wants to come home to be with Alex". We were beside ourselves that a 3 year old could articulate such a message. We hadn't said anything like that to him. He has said many other things from time to time that seem beyond his years and comprehension. Although Alex is only three, Jessica was a very real part of his life for the nine months I carried her. He looked forward to being a big brother so much and I feel he truly feels a sense of loss as well. He talked to her daily, would sing to her and plan how he would help take care of his new baby sister. He still talks about her occasionally and I wouldn't have it any other way. Jessica will always be a part of our lives and I want him to always remember her too!

We found a very nice resting place for our daughter at Greenlawn Cemetery. She is on the lake with Duck's for Alex to feed. We visit often and try really hard to concentrate on the positive things during our visit. While we visit "Jessica's remembering place", as Alex calls it, we feed the ducks, water the 8-ft pink Dogwood we planted there in her honor and spend spiritual time together along the waterside as a family.

Finding out we lost our little girl during a routine doctor's visit at 39 weeks with no known cause has been without a doubt the most devastating thing that has ever happened to us. While we try to be optimistic and look to the future, it is very difficult not to look back and wonder "why". I have come to believe that although I may never like it, I may never understand it, I may never get over it - I must accept it. I have come to terms with the fact that although I can ask it over and over, I will never know why. I am actually at a place now that I no longer need to ask "WHY". I only trust in the fact that there is a "Why".

I also wanted to share some exciting news and is probably the reason I am finally able to write down our story about Jessica. Jay and I are expecting another baby. We feel very blessed at this new chance at life. Our calculated due date is, if you can believe it, April 4, 2001. If that is not a sign, I don't know what is...

Thanks for all your support, Kathy

To read the beautiful poem Kathy wrote in memory of her daughter


Kathy's site in memory of Jessica Kathy
Jessica Anne Garcia
April 4, 2000
Roswell, GA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Hello and thank you for sharing your stories

My name is Gina and my husband Enoch and I just lost our little angel Gabrielle. I was at the end of my 35th week when I went in for my regular check-up on 10/23/00 when my doctor had problems trying to pick up the baby's heart beat. It had been an uneventful pregnancy except for the difficulty I had and am still having with eating and drinking. There is still a strong unpleasant taste in my mouth that I have had since the 1st trimester.

Anyway, I sent to the hospital for a confirmatory ultra sound only to be told of the fetal demise of our baby. I was in absolute shock!!! The baby had been kicking and just enjoying its self only the day or so before.

I called my husband at work when I was admitted to the hospital. We decided to go ahead with the planned c-section. We were delivered of a beautiful baby girl:) I have cried and cried for the loss of our child and can't seem to make myself function at this time. The pain of the c-section and my milk ladden breasts all remind me of our loss. I am afraid that we may not be able to have another child. We have had a previous miscarriage at 9 weeks in 1998 again without cause.

How do you progress after something like this? How are you managing? It was ?nice? knowing that I am not the only one out there. When does the crying stop? Thanks Gina

Gabrielle Abena Asante-Bediako

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My son born still at 8 months

To my sweet baby boy Jacob Michael Aungst 11-8-00

We were so close coming to the end of my pregancy. As that last month came closer we got so excited. Our Daddy and me had everthing almost ready. A couple of touches to be done. You have a big brother Lester. He is 4 years old. Jacob you were all that little boy would talk about. He even picked out your name.

The doctors told me that your little heart had stopoped beating. They said that you were stillborn.

Forgive my ignorance. How did this happen? Why did you leave me and your home that we had waiting for you? I know that you are with god. You smile and be happy and joyful like you should be.

Everything was happening so fast. After your Daddy picked me up from the doctors office. We had went home to tell your big brother that you were gone. We told him that you had went to heaven to live with god. He cried. He said please don't take my baby brother. After being home for a couple of hours, we had to go back to the hospital. Things didn't go the way the doctors thought that they would.

The medicine they gave me to dilate did not work. Jacob we beleive that you died on sun.(11-5-00). Everything had started at the hospital on mon. I was not able to have you until wed. It was almost afternoon. 11:47 to be exact. When you came out you were breeched.

You were do tiny. But, you were perfect. You looked exactly like your Daddy. Everyone thought that your brother looked like Daddy. They should have seen you.

Those days of waiting were filled with a numbness. We had planned everything for you. We had help from Pastor Hand. We had never done anything like this before.

It has been 3.5 weeks since that day. I am trying. I can picture you all dressed in white. And, you are kicking and smiling and being so happy. Just the way that you should be. I know that you are in my heart. You are mommy's little angel. May god bless you and all of the other little angels in heaven with you.

Read Michelle's Poem in our Memorial Garden

Jacob Michael Aungst

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"Precious Child"

Karissa was my fourth pregnancy. I was so excited about being a mom.

The "guy" I was with kept telling me how much he wanted a child, but once we found out I was pregnant...he was in and out of my life. By my 7 month I told him that I didn't need him; that we would make it without him.

In late July I lost my mucus plug and was spotting. I saw my doctor, but he just said "You're fine." He never actually checked me physically. On Aug. 4, 1998 I started having really bad pains down my back and my legs. I just figured it was due to the hot weather and to the fact that I had only gained 7lbs with her. By 8 a.m. on the 5th I was having some pain in my abdomen. I went to work and my aunt said that she thought I was in labor. She took me to the hospital. The nurses couldn't find a heartbeat; they assumed the baby was breech. The doctor finally did an ultrasound after being there for 2 hours. He placed his hand on my arm and said,"The baby's heart is not beating." I was devastated!

I asked, "What do we do now?" He told me that I would have to deliver. I didn't want to do it. I thought this couldn't be happening to me. I almost made it to full term. I was 7 1/2 weeks away. (I had had three miscarriages previously.) At 1:40 p.m. I delivered a beautiful 2 6 3/10 oz baby girl. She was perfect other than the fact that she didn't cry. I never questioned why God took my little girl from me...somewhere in my heart I believed he knew what was best due to the situation I was in.

The "guy" was there for the delivery. Afterwards, I kept blaming myself....even though everyone kept saying it's not your fault. I still felt responsible. The "guy" told me the day after she was gone that "You killed her, now deal with it." Then he beat me and raped me. At that moment I felt lucky that she wasn't here to have to deal with this "guy". I finally put this "guy" in jail for what he did to me.

Less than a year after I lost her, I met the most amazing man. He was kind, gentle, loving, caring...everything you would want in a man and more...he was a God send. He went with me to a memorial for Karissa and was so supportive. He even wrote a message on his balloon for her...not ever knowing her. He loved her more than her own "father" did. How sad! We married November 13, 1999 and on November 30, 1999 we found out that we were pregnant.

On July 3, 2000 we had a healthy, beautiful, baby girl who we named Mikenna Rayne. Karissa will never be forgotten just because I had another daughter. Mikenna will be told about her "big sister in Heaven" when she's old enough to understand.

Besides I had Karissa cremated and she is with me every day. Her urn is a praying angel with her name on it. She has a stand with her belongings such as Ty Beanie Babies, Baby book, with her birthday cards that she gets each year, flowers from the "Walks to Remember", miscellaneous momentos, and various other trinkets. My daughter is in a wonderful place with wonderful people. She's with her grandma Ruthann and her grandpa Chuck and with "our" (Quentin and my) precious kitty cats, Candy and Rackle, and with the most wonderful father she will ever have....God.

Karissa Ruthanne

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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