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"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts - Along this Path

Remembering Our Babies - Third Term Loss - Known Causes - Entries 2001

We were going to have a baby -
we couldn't believe it.
We were so excited we told all
of our family right away
and then terror struck...


"Damini Sky" by Carmen (4/1/01)

"John Patrick" by Denise (May 4, 01)

"Austin and Rebecca" by Penny (7/6/01)

"I lost my son Jason Richard Paulk on August 7, 2001." by Tammy (9/13/01)

"God's Will." by Leigh (9/26/01)

"Joshua Devins McMullen" by Tara (10/3/01)

"ASHLEIGH'S STORY" by Nessa (10/13/01)

"Nicholas Patrick Agro - My Angel Forever" by Susan (10/24/01)

"Abby and Ellie" by Sandy (11/12/01)

Damini Sky

Hi, my name is Carmen and my fiancee's Roy.

I was 7 months pregnant when lost my daughter, Damini. I went into the hospital on 1/11/01 due to my hands, eyes and feets were swollen. I thought it was normal, but actually I called my OB and he told me to go to hospital ASAP.

When I got to the hospital, the OB on duty that night didn't tell me what was going on. She called my doctor, and he came ASAP. When he got there, he told me that they couldn't find a heartbeat, and also my blood pressure was so high, that I was in the stage of stroke. At this time there was nothing they could do for the baby due too she was dead already for 2 days and I didn't know. I was diagnosed with pre-eclempsia. I was in critical stage for 2 days.

They enduced my labor. She weight 2lb and 13oz and 19 length. She was born 1/12/01 and buried 1/16/01. It's been hard for both of us.

Right now I am still suffering from blood pressure and kidneys problem due to the pregnancy. The doctor says I should wait at least 1 year. Hope I'm not the only in this situation. Thank you for giving me the time to share my story. My e-mail is

Damini Sky Rodriguez

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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John Patrick

hello -

It's hard to believe I'm conversing on such a web sight - who would have thought that God would have blessed me with a son only to take him right back. But then again, it wasn't God who decided to take him, it was Doctors not doing their job that lead to the loss of my son. God is just watching over him until he and I and his father can be reunited again.

It all started in November of 1999. I met a guy, dated him for awhile, then conceived his son. When we found out I was pregnant There were mixed feeling. He offered marriage. Even though we hadn't known one another long, we got along very well and we both wanted to raise our son. We could never have expect what was to follow.

We Wed on January 1, 2000. I remember the preacher blessing us as well as any children we may have someday. I think he knew I was pregnant at the time, even though I was only 1 1/2 months along. To this day whenever I look at my wedding picture I remember the fact that John Patrick was in my belly growing - we really were a family for a short time.

I started having terrible pains down my legs very early on. The Doctors kept saying they were normal. I didn't feel well, but being my first pregnancy and believing that Doctors knew what they said/did, I didn't worry to much. As time passed, I kept growing out and little JP kept kicking with pretty good frequency and force.

My son made it to 35 weeks of gestation, five pounds and nineteen inches long.

On a regular trip to the Doctor I had a blood pressure reading of 180/110. I was put in the hospital where my blood pressure came down. Another Doctor released me the next day. My son died approx. 24 hours later.

Why they let me go home, I'll never understand or forgive them for. The Doctors say because my blood pressure came down letting me go was normal. Funny how after reading all my medical papers I learned that no one signed off on the high protein found in my urine tests that day. My son was far enough along that he should have been immediately delivered when my blood pressure started acting up. In hindsight I blame myself for not seeking additional better educated care at the time - no one informed me just how serious everything was until after the fact, when it was way to late for my little son.

John Patrick's final hours started as a pain across my lower back. I called the Doctors frequently and received no calls back. With the pain getting worse, I went to the hospital. I was left in the waiting room for over 2 hours. When the pain started getting even worse, I voiced questions of why I hadn't been shipped to the GYN/OB floor yet? Finally some attention was received. Just in time as it was to play out, I was on the correct floor finally for some attention, just in time to hemmorage.

After several hours a Doctor came in, did an ultrasound, and told me my son was dead. As unprofessionally and unfeelingly as possible he delivered the news of our loss.

Due to my bleeding and blood clot they decided that I should have a vaginal delivery. I'm guess, my son left my womb approximately 24 hours later.

I will go to my grave blaming the Doctors, and managed care. None of them will ever feel the loss I feel. They get to home after work and hug their children.

I go home and get the only picture I have of my son out, I hug his picture, kiss his picture, and tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am that I didn't go elsewhere for care.

So that's my sad story. Because of my age and the toxemia, placenta abruptio, my husband and I are not planning to try again. I guess my son brought my husband and I together. He's a wonderful guy who stood by me all the way.

We are going on our first year anniversary of loss, July 1st. I wish I could say the pain has subsided some, or that I understand it all better now, but I don't. My life will never be the same. At least now I can look at another baby and not cry as much - no babies are as cute as mine was.

I find it very troubling that if I go to work, and don't do my job, I'll get fired or not paid. These Doctors didn't do their jobs yet they still got paid and all I have to show for their work and my money is a picture of what was to be.

You own my heart little boy John Patrick. I miss you more then I ever thought it possible to miss someone. Stay warm and safe until I see you again.

Denise McCormack

Denise John Patrick 07012000 Stillborn/maternal complications May 3, 2001

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Austin and Rebecca

My name is Penny, I am 29 years old (a few months shy of my 30th birthday).

I thought I would have at least two children by now, but unfortuantely I have had two pregnancies and nothing to show for them.

My first pregnancy went beautifully, until about 33.5 weeks

I started to have strong contractions and was dilated about 1cm. I was placed on bed rest and started taking steroids, just incase the baby was born early (this would help the lungs mature.) I went for a check up once a week, but on my second visit the doctor said "There is no heartbeat."

I thought he was lying, I said "The baby is upside down, you just can't hear the heartbeat because he is in a weird position." I was sent straight to labor and delivery and placed on a monitor that was flatlined, then the doctor brought in the ultrasound "NOTHING."

I was induced and 16 hours later, I closed my eyes as I delivered my son, Austin. I did not wish to see him, I just could not do it.

I was placed on the same floor as new mothers, "What was I?" "How could they be so inconsiderate?" I had to hear babies cry, and I could not take it. I discharged myself within 10 hours of delivery, I had to or I would go crazy.

My husband went home that night, because I basically could not even talk to him. That night he took apart everything in the nursery, cleaned it completely out; and put it all away in storage. My baby shower was 6 days prior and we had just washed everything and put it all together. Austin was delivered March 16, 1997.

I was told it was a one shot deal,

.. sometimes these things happen and we never find out why. Happily, I became pregnant again and this time it was a girl. I had her name picked out from day one, Rebecca. The pregnancy went smooth again up until 30 weeks this time.

I had an ultrasound done and was told the fluid was slightly low. I was again put on best rest, IV fluids and steroids. This time I did not make it as far, at 33 weeks I was delivering another dead baby.

I was in total disbelief. "What did I do to deserve this?" I believed I was in HELL. I again did not wish to see the baby, nor did my husband. I believed everytime I closed my eyes I would see this small lifeless body and there was nothing I could do about it. Rebecca was delivered January 23, 1999.

I have since had some extensive testing done and found out that I have a few conditions that may be of concern,

..or could be the cause for these terrible losses. I have a bicornuate uterus, confirmed by an MRI. I had CIN 4. CIN stands for cervical interepithelial neoplasm, "CANCER", and HPV or human pappiloma virus. I have had several surgeries including LEEPS, D&C's and laproscopic surgeries, and now I wait. I wait to see if my new high risk OB doctor gives me a green light to try one last time.

I need to have a child, a family, someone to depend on me.

I have loved so many other children, "Why not my own?" I am terrified to do this again, I need words of encouragement. I feel so lost and dazed, "Should we get pregnant, what should I do?"

I need to go to the graves of my children and tell them they have a new baby brother or baby sister.

I need to move on with my life. "Am I a mother or was I never meant to be one?"

Austin Richard
Third TermLoss/matarnal complications

Marcia's Comments:

Doing something for your baby helps the healing process

You may want to light a virtual candle in memory of your baby or include a verse or thought in our Memorial Garden. Doing special things for our baby often helps to ease our pain.

You ask "Who am I?" I discuss the confusion and secondary losses

... (wondering if we are parents, feeling like failures, loss of hope and innocense) that follow a tragic loss in "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal." We are parents to very special babies. Denial is on stage of the grieving process. When we can begin to turn our energies used to deny what has happened into embracing our child (who we loved and most have wish for since our own childhood) then we can begin to heal. Doing something in memory of Austin and Rebecca may help you to begin to heal.

Healing is helpful as we begin the next step of our journey.

Making choices for the next part of the journey is never easy. We have an entire group entitled "Subsequent Choices and Grief" because our parents need to talk through these kinds of things.

Going to high risk doctors is a choice

... that many of our parents decide to do. These doctors can give more support when we have soooo many questions.

Subsequent Pregnancy Fears and Support

We then have an entire separate group for parents who are moving through their "subsequent" pregnancy. We know how nerve racking this is because we each have done this ourselves! I have an entire section on this on the site plus 5 subsequent pregnancy diaries!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I lost my son Jason Richard Paulk on August 7, 2001.

He was at 39 weeks gestation. He was 6lbs 10oz and 18 & 3/4inces. I lost him due to placental abruption. I was told that he died within a couple of minutes after the placenta split away from my uterus. I had lost alot of blood. My kidneys were not functioning. I stayed in the hospital for a week. Fortunately they did not put me on the maternity ward. I don't think I could have heard other babies crying when mine would never cry. It is a day that I will never forget. Here is my story.

On August 6th, I was talking on the phone to a dear friend. She was calling to check on me and to see if I had had the baby yet. I wanted to see my son so bad. Everyone did. I got up to put the phone back on the base when I was griped with pain. I told my husband that I thought this was it. The previous week we had had 3 false alarms. We decided to labor at home for awhile. The pain was sharp but was manageable for awhile.

The pain then started to get more intense and unbearable. It also was coming on top of each other. My stomach was hard as a rock. I thought something was wrong. We called the advise line and were told to come into the hospital. I could not even talk the pain was so bad. We dropped our daughter off at my parents house. I felt like I had to use the bathroom so I got out and went in to use it. Nothing came out. As I got up my water broke. There was a tinge of blood in it. I yelled for someone to call 911. I knew they could get me to the hospital quicker than my husband could. And if I delivered in the car my husband would not know what to do.

The ambulance got there within minutes. The pain was so bad. I begged them to give me something for the pain. They of course could not. They got me on the stretcher and into the ambulance. Every bump hurt my stomach. I was given an iv. It seemed to take forever to get to the hospital. But we finally arrived. I was so glad to see that my midwife was there. She looked very concerned.

I begged her to give me something for the pain. She told me that she needed to assess me first. The EMTs gave her the bulletin and a nurse examined me. You are only 1cm. I thought 1cm I will be here forever delivering this baby. I had been 1cm for nearly 2 weeks. They then placed the fetal monitor on my stomach. I remember them moving it all around. I looked over at the midwife's face she looked like something was wrong. She told a nurse to get the dr. I was in so much pain I could not grasp that something was so seriously wrong. The doctor rushed in and told me to calm down that they were concerned about the baby. After she moved the monitor around she ordered someone to get her an ultrasound machine. When it came in and she tried to find a heartbeat. I saw her face go pale. She told a nurse to give me something for the pain.

She then turned to me and said the words that no mother wants to hear. We don't hear a heartbeat. I started to cry and ask her if she was sure. She then told us that I had had a placental abruption and that there was a lot of blood behind the placenta. They needed to do a c-section right away. She then said sorry but the baby is gone. I went crazy. I looked over at my husband who was holding my daughter and he was crying. I shouted no. The rest of my family was there and they came in. I saw my sister and my parents they were all crying.

I was given an epidural and sent to the operating room. I remember thinking that maybe there was still a chance that he was alive. As the operation progressed and she pulled him out I remember praying to God let him be ok. She announced that it was a boy. I was so happy. Please be alright I prayed. Then she said the words that I will never forget there is no heart beat. No I shouted over and over. I turned to my husband and told him that I was sorry. I felt like a failure. I still do.

There was alot of blood loss I recall her saying. I don't remeber anything after that. When I woke up I was in a recovery room. I prayed that i was a dream but I knew that it was not. My family was there and they were crying. I immediately started to cry. My heart ached. My precious baby was gone.

The doctor came in and talked to me. I remember asking her if he felt any pain. She told that he did not and that he died within a couple of minutes after the abruption.

She then asked if I wanted to talk to a chaplain. I said yes. The chaplain came in and talked with me for awhile. She really just listened to me cry. She is very nice. She then asked me if I wanted to see Jason. My husband had already held him. I told her that I did and she told the nurse that was taking care of him to bring him in.

When she walked through the door carrying my lifeless son I burst into tears. She was also crying. My husband could not take it and took my daughter out to the lobby. She then placed him in my arms. I looked at him and I cried. I held him to me. I took the blankets off of him and I held him against me. He was so beautiful. He looked like my daughter when she was born. I held his little fingers and I looked at his legs. I took off the little cap and looked at his hair. I smelled him and kissed him. How could he be dead? I cried and asked God why. The nurse asked if I wanted to take a picture with him. I said yes. I held him up and gave a faint smile. My heart was breaking. I wanted to die. I told her that she could take him back. SHe gently picked him up and took him away.

I saw him only once more. The day that they took me to the critical care unit I asked the nurse to bring him to me. They let me take him with me. On the way there I passed a couple of nurses and one said Oh look she had a baby. I cried. I had friends and family come to support me. When I saw my mother in law I burst into tears. Jason was born on her birthday. I remember thinking what a birthday.

We had a memorial service for Jason on Agust 16, 2001. A few days after I got out of the hospital. I was still weak from the surgery and from loosing so much blood. I had a total of 9 blood transfusions. And my kidneys finally started to function. The mememorial service was nice, but it was so hard to go and make the arrangements. We decided to have Jason cremated. I have never been able to stand looking at a child's casket. I have his urn on my mantle.

I have had a couple of good weeks. A good week is when I don't feel like I am dying. When I can look at his pictures or talk about him and not feel as if my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

My family was worried about me. I think they feel that maybe I should not feel so bad since I did not know him long. I wanted and loved Jason from the moment I found out that I was pregnant with him. None of them has ever had to make funeral arrangement for their child.

I still don't have an appetite. I eat once a day. I am smaller now than before I was pregnant. I do not sleep. I can't stand to look at my body in the mirror. I still feel like a failure. Even though being told that there was nothing that I did or did not do.

I have my 6 week check up next week. I am not looking forward to it. I should be showing off my Jason. In my heart I have made peace with my loosing Jason. It still hurts. I still miss him and want him back. My husband and I are thinking about trying again. We are both petrified that this will happen again.

Well this is my story. I hope that sharing it helps someone. And I wish that I could have someone to talk to that knows my pain.

Entry #2 on 9/13/01: My Story of Jason

Jason Richard Paulk was born into the arms of Jesus on August 7, 2001. I do not know the time. He weighed in at 6lbs 10oz and was 18 3/4in. He looked exactly like his big sister did when she was born. He has Black curly hair. I never got to see his eyes. I know that they are brown but I never got to see them open.

I miss him so much. I think about him every day. Some days are easier than others. I have had a couple of good weeks where I don't feel like I want to die. Die so that I can see that face again. So that I can hold him in my arms again. But I can't die, I am needed here. His sister and daddy need me and I need them.

Jason is being cared for better than I could ever care for him. He plays with Jesus. He runs around on streets of gold. He has family that has gone on before him. He will never know pain or sorrow. Only the purest and holy love of God. He is happy and smiling. He is whole. He doesn't know sickness or disease. How can I be sad about that.

I take comfort in these things. And in the knowledge that one day I will see him again. He will meet me at the pearly gates and say welcome home mommy. I will get to hold him for all eternity.

In the mean time I will look at his pictures. I will have days that I will miss him terribly. I will keep him forever in my heart and a part of our lives.

Jason Richard Paulk will be forever missed by Tammy, Richard and big sister Tiffany. As well as a host of family and friends. He is now our beloved angel. On earth and in heaven.

Mommy loves you!

Jason Richard Paulk
Stillborn/placental abruption

Marcia's Comments: You have shared what so many others have also felt and shared in our groups as well as on our site. The pain and loss of this tragedy are real and intense. Your families desire for you to "move-on" is a normal one, but your heart and soul must grieve in order to heal. Others don't usually understand this - especially when they want to believe there should be little grief because this was such an early loss. (This is THEIR desire to protect themselves as well as you.) Over and over on this site and in our groups we discuss these concepts and how to cope with what we have lost. We have lost our baby, our hopes, our dreams, and a piece of us. We do survive. Our baby would want us to. As we make our baby a part of who we are - a very important part of who we are - healing can begin.

If you haven't already, call our number, and we will send you a Parent's Packet from our local group. Enclosed in that are some brochures, a reading list and our newsletter. You will receive a years subscription to our newsletter, at no cost to you. We are having an Angel of Hope Dedication on October 21, visit our site for more information on this very special event and "angel" garden. Also, under SHARE Atlanta Information is a link to National SHARE and you can receive their newsletter and information. My Woman's Support Group meets this Wednesday at my home, and you are welcomed to join us. You will meet other mothers who will share similar thoughts and who are working to cope and to heal. I have a hug of support waiting for you... Take care, Marcia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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God's Will.

My husband and I were married only 5 months when I found out I was pregnant. We were so happy! I had waited my whole life to become a mommy. I had a very good, normal, uncomplicated pregnancy until my 34th week.

I developed PUPPS disease, an all over body rash. But, it was not just itchy, it was VERY painful. I would scratch until I was literally tearing out chucks of my skin. I was having weekly ultra sounds because I have High blood pressure, therefore, high risk.

I begged my doc on the Friday before my due date to induce me. I was in such horrible pain, I felt like I was literally losing my mind. I knew Will was already over 7 pounds, and perfectly healthy. He refused.

The next Friday, one day before my due date, I went to the doc. He couldn't find Will's heartbeat. After pushing for 5 hours, they finally realized I needed a C-Section to deliver him. Will came into the world, born still on my due date 4-15-00. He weighed 8 punds even and was 20 inches long. The most beautiful baby God has ever created.

Well, it wasn't bad enough I lost my son, but, I then started a struggle for my own life as well. I got E-Coli in my blood from the c-section. I almost died. Then, because I had blown up like a balloon the night he passed away inside of me--me blown up with water--I developed congestive heart failure. They started finally giving me water pills, and I lost 65 pounds in 4 days!--all water. When they took my stapels out, my incision came open. I got 2 different staff infections at the same time in it--Will would have been 4 and 1/2 months old by the time it finally closed up.

I have dreamed of having children my whole life. I want this more than anything. My husband really does too. We are trying to get pregnant again now-so far--no luck..Am going to give it 2 more months, then see if we can try fertility pills. I am terrified of another loss, but, my desire for children is stronger than my fear. I must say, my faith has been sorely tested, but, I do believe God will bless us with children.

A lot of days, I just take it hour by hour, minute by minute. My grief is such an enormous, tangible thing, that it's very hard to feel like you can control it enough to keep sane, and to make it to the next day.

We have a website for our angel Will, who is now, God's Will. I would love for you to go and see our beautiful angel. There are pictures, and poems I wrote to him, and letters to him from Daddy, Nana, cousins, and Aunt Cathy. Please sign his book to let me know you shared him with me. It warms my heart to see when people are seeing my angel, and knowing him, just a little. I can't take him out with me and show him off, so, this is the only way I can share my angel with the world. The address is:

Angel Will's Website

Thank you for your site, it helps more than you know to have this kind of support available.

We love you Will!!!! We will always remember you, we will always love you, we will always miss you, and we will always keep your memory alive.

Leigh (and Todd) Moss

William Todd Modd
Stillborn/many complications

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Joshua Devins McMullen

My name is Tara and my husband and I lost our first baby a son named Joshua on July 26 ,2001. The doctor suspects that it was a cord accident but we will never know for sure.

On July 26 I went to my doctors office for our weekly check up only to find out that three days before my due date my baby had no heart beat. Josh was delivered C-Section later that night at 6:35 pm he weighed 9 pounds and 4 ounces and was 21 1/2 inches long with reddish brown hair.

My husabnd and I tried for four years to conceive Josh we thought all of our prayers had been heard and answered we were to finally have our first baby but yet we are know left with an empty cradle, an empty heart and much pain. I love you Josh and my heart aches for you love mommy.

Joshua Devins McMullen
Stillborn/cord accident

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I can still remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited when I found out I was having a girl. The whole pregnancy went well.

I was experiencing labor pains throughout my 7th month but figured they were braxton hicks. I woke up thee days later after telling my doctor about the pain, and I was in full labor.

I was unable to walk or sit. My hsband flew to the hospital to get me there, but when we arrived we had no clue what was going to happen. They called my doctor and told her I was there she immedeatly came over.

After 16 hours of labor I gave birth to a baby girl. They say she died during delivery. They later come to find out that I have a blood diorder called thrombophilia. That is what ended up taking Ashleigh from me.

I had a little boy in June so I know there is life after death. My son almost died the same way, but because my doctor was determind to give me at least one child - I was able to bring him home.

When he gets older I will tell him of his big sister and how much he looks like her. Both of my childern were and are premies. I love my daughter just as much as I love my son.


Thank you for letting me share my story.

Ashleigh Jean Wihrow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Nicholas Patrick Agro - My Angel Forever

I had been home from work for a week. Everything was done: House cleaned, bottles boiled and hospital bag packed. I was excited and ready for my first baby to arrive. I went to the OB doctor three days before my due date for my weekly checkup. With a quick sonogram they verified that the baby’s head was down and estimated that the baby’s weight was around 9 lbs.

When we got to the hospital the labor nurse was very condescending to me since I was not in “active” labor. The labor nursed snapped at me “ It’s not even your due date yet”. I felt embarrassed and started to cry. Meanwhile my due date was one day away since it was already after midnight. They told me that these pre-labor contractions could go on like that for 2 weeks. I thought to myself “Are they kidding me?”. I was in pain. The baby was fine. They sent us home.

The contractions continued all day Sunday. I was so exhausted and confused. That night I was able to sleep about 2 hours until I awoke to even stronger contractions. I woke Nick up about 2 hours later when the contractions became even stronger. I was so afraid to go to the hospital because I feared they would belittle me again. So I waited until I could not longer take it anymore.

We arrived at the hospital at 6:30am. It was August 27th - our baby’s due date. The first thing the labor nurse said to me was “Did they teach you about early labor in Lamaz?”. I sternly replied “Do you want me to go home?”. She said “Well you’re here now we might as well check you out”.

She put the contraction monitor on me and then started to find the baby’s heartbeat. After a minute or so we thought to ourselves the machine must be broken. She left the room and brought the doctor back in with her. I thought nothing of it. Next thing we knew the doctor was searching for the heartbeat using a different machine. There was complete silence in the room.

The nurses stood and watched. That was when I started to worry. Nick and I were holding on to each other. I said to the doctor “Should I be concerned ?” and he replied “We can’t find the heartbeat. It doesn’t look good.”

I didn’t want to believe it. I cried “No – this can’t be”. I don’t know how many minutes went by. We still didn’t believe it. Nobody had said the baby was gone. Then in comes this nurse who I hadn’t met. I turned to her and said “Is the baby gone?” and she said “yes – I am so sorry”.

That moment my life was forever changed. I cried “My baby’s gone..My baby’s gone”. It was the most tragic moment of my life – a horrible, horrible nightmare. The nurse, who name is Laurie, gave Nick and I a hug and told us how sorry she was. She comforted me – I could feel it – I needed it so desperately.

My world was crumbling. My baby was dead and I was in active labor with very painful contractions and was 5 centimeters dilated. I just laid there in shock while they put me on an epidural.

A short time after that Laurie was checking my blood pressure and she looks at me and quietly says ”I’ve walked in your shoes”. I couldn’t believe it. Someone else standing right next to me had also been through this nightmare. She gave me strength.

The doctor broke my water and felt the cord at the bottom of my uterus. It appeared to be a “cord accident”. During contractions the baby’s head had pressed against the cord and cut of the oxygen supply.

Our families came. We cried and prayed. I had developed Toxemia. Hours went by. I was not dilating any further. At some point I realized that I didn’t even know the sex of my baby. It was no longer going to be this big happy surprise that we waited 9 months for. I needed to know the sex before I delivered my baby. They did a sonogram and said “It’s a boy”. I knew it all along.

I finally had a C-section at around 5pm that day. Laurie was supposed to end her shift but decided to stay on as my nurse during the surgery. She was a godsend. I was out of it. Nick held my hand the whole time.

Then I looked over and saw my son Nicholas Patrick. The first words out of my mouth were “He is so beautiful”. I was happy to finally see him. He was so big – 8lbs 10 oz. He had a handsome face and had these big chubby hands and feet. Laurie cleaned him and dressed him and handed him to Nick. I stared at him for a long time. I never wanted that moment to end.

I was very sick at that time so I wasn’t able to hold him right away. Laurie took pictures of Nicholas for us. Our family saw him and held him for quite a while. I am so glad for that. Nicholas was the first grandson, niece and nephew on both sides of our family. He was so wanted and loved.

I finally held Nicholas. Nick placed him on my chest. I was still a little out of it so it helped me forget the sadness and it allowed me to enjoy seeing and touching him.

I don’t know how Nick ever gave him back. It must have been so difficult for him. I never saw Nicholas Patrick after that day. We had a service for him at the cemetery about ten days later.

I miss him so much. I cry for him everyday. I want him back so badly. He would be 8 weeks old this week. Everyday I suffer with so much pain.

I hurt for the endless “nevers”. I’ll never see him smile or see his eyes open (they were blue). I’ll never hear him cry or breathe. I’ll never hear him say “Mommy”. I hurt even more for the life he lost. So many things that he will never experience. We will never get to know him and he will never get to know his mommy and daddy. Our hearts are broken forever.

I want Nicholas to know that he gave me joy. He gave me the happiest 9 months of my life. I hope he can feel my love now and forever.

Hello Marcia -

I want you to know that this website is so helpful to me - thanks you If you need me to abbreviate my story - I would be happy to do it. I'm not sure if it's too long to post on the website. Thanks.Susan

Nicholas Patrick
Stillborn/cord accident

Thanks for your words of encouragement. You're right - Nicholas is a part of who I am and will always be a part of who I am. This is a long journey. It is the help from those who have been through this that gives me some comfort during this long, hard journey......Susan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Abby and Ellie

I came across this site. I am not sure how I found it. I felt compelled to write. I was reading about Baby Cameron. The story touched me so I needed to wrtie. I wrote to his mother Jennier and the e-mail wouldn't go.

Our story is this...On September 30, 2001 I gave birth to beautiful twin girls, Abby and Ellie. I was in my 31st week. They were beautiful. Abby's weight was 3 pounds 4 ounces and Ellie was 3 pounds 2 ounces. If I had only gone into labor they would still be here today. They were so healthy.

I woke up on Sat. the 29th not feeling great. I figured that for the most part it was normal being so far along. I tried to rest and I seemed to feel a little better. The next morning I didn't feel them moving as much as I thought they should of been, so I called the doctor. She said come in and get monitored, so off I went.I went by myself, and my husband stayed home with our 2 boys.

When I got there we could not find their heartbeats....I could feel my world closing in around me and there was not a thing I could do about it. My sister is a nurse and she happened to be working that morning. They called her up to be with me whle we did the ultrasound. We were in this tiny room, and within seconds we all was true...our babies were gone.

I thought I was going to die. Everyone was in complete shock. This doesn't happen!Not both. It is so rare .I just went completly numb.

I had to deliver them. Abby came at 9:31pm and Ellie at 9:34pm that night. It was the cord....that was it. Abby got it around her neck and they were identical and shared enough blood (twin to twin transfusion)so that when Abby passed, Ellie went with her. They were soulmates.

The delivery was the most beautiful moment of our lives and the worst moment of our lives. We brought two beautiful souls into this world and released them to a greater power at the same time. We were so blessed to be able to deliver and hold them. We held them, took pictures, and I mothered them as long as I could here on earth, and I continue to mother them in the hereafter.

I lost my Mother on March 5, 2000 and I have cried for everyday since then and until 9/30/01. From that day on I am so grateful she is there to take care of my babies. It is such a warm feeling in such a horrible situation.

Something like this happens in less than 4 minutes. The girls didn't suffer. When they broke my water it was clear, which means they were never in distress. That in itself is something to be thankful for. This is an act of nature. I wish I understood why my babies are not with us here on earth. That we will never understand.

I have added their birthstones to my necklace, and we have put up a picture with their footprints. They are a part of our family and will forever be. My Little Girls are "Angels in waiting...waiting for me." I will see them again, but until them I must be the best mother I can be for my boys and the best wife I can be for my husband.

I choose to keep their memory alive in a positive manner rather than losing myself in sadness. When we express happiness, happiness will follow. We all have tragedies in our lives, it is inevitable. It is how we choose to deal with them that will define who we will become. I have lost 3 very important people in my life in a very short time. I have learned that you must stay very strong and grounded or you will get very lost in the sadness. I miss them, but all the sadness and negaative thoughts will not bring them back.

I am determined to make their short time on earth a memorable one. Their sweet, little souls have touched so many people. We have received, and given money in their memory to St. Jude's Hospital and we are donating almost $1500.00 to our local hospital so we can purchase something in their memory which will touch the lives of all new babies to come. I love them and I am so proud of them. They are going to live on through all of us whose life they touch. They were truly beautiful.

It has been a little over a Month today, and by our faith, our beautiful children, each other, and all our family and friends we are here and we are surviving this each moment of each day. Abby and Ellie have touched so many of us in so many many ways we are not fully aware of yet. They are our "Little Girls" and will forever be our "Little Angels".

Sometimes we are tested and bad things happen to good people.Times like this make us much stronger and have changed us forever. These Girls have...they have changed us in such remarkable ways. They have the sweetest souls. I wish I new why these things happen, but I don't. I do know that during the darkest moments in my life, I have chosen to look for sunshine, and I found it shining on the faces of my beautiful twin baby girls and my beautiful boys. I am just surviving day by day, and being so thankful for what I have and for what I have had.

They came to us as such a surprise...we had taken NO fertility drugs and twins don't run in our how blessed were we to have had that chance to give birth to them. To hold them for as long as we did. As strange as they came to us is as strange as they left us. I will forever miss them.

My heart goes out to all these is the hardest test for us....I hope my story has helped in some way because all of yours have helped me. Reading seems to help and hearing that I am not alone helps too. Please remember my Girls with a smile, they were beautiful, just beautiful little souls.

If anyone knows Jennifer the Mother of Cameron please send me her e-mail address. I wrote to her and I would like to send it. All of you take are in my thoughts. Thanks again for your time.

Abigail Barbara and Ellie Rachel Steele
Stillborn/Twin to Twin transfusion

Marcia's Comments: I, too, encourage parents and friends to see a positive meaning in their child's brief presence with them. (See drop down box "Making Your Child's Presence Meaningful.") I feel as though ALL of my children, the three in heaven and the two here on this earth have helped to make me who I am today. I also see my father holding my little ones!!

As you cried for your dear mother, tears of sadness are there for your two daughters. Sadness is part of the grieving process. Many try to go around this stage of grief by denying it. Happiness is VERY important, and I am, by nature a happy, positive person. I didn't want to cry anymore, but I have found that crying is part of the release of grief so is the loss of control. Tears often are seen as another part of "loss of control." In reality, they are part of grief and when they come, if we let them come can be healing. If we realize their part in grief, then we can "share" them with the need to make our experience and child special. Then, we can know that what they offer in healing can be balanced with the other coping mechanisms (mementos, rituals, etc.)

The gifts you give your girls and your family are knowing that you want to share the wonder and joy of Abby and Ellie in so many special ways. You don't want to forget them and you WILL NOT. They will be a part of your family forever.

I wrote Jennifer for a long time - as did other moms. I haven't heard from her in awhile. She, too, had lost her mom and she was a single mom. I still think of her. I am sorry if we have lost her email. Which email did you have. She changed it several times. If you will send me the one you tried, I will see if it is the latest of her emails!! I know she would appreciate your thoughts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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