It is strange how people "just know" when they are pregnant. I never really believed that until Friday the 13th of Oct. 2000. It was unplanned, but I knew. About 12 days later I confirmed that I was going to be a mother at only 19(I was 18 at the time). My boyfriend and I had decided that we already loved this baby, and we would do anything to keep him. Both sets of grandparents had agreed that they would help us in anyway possible and they wanted this too. Even though I had to give up school for a while and move home with my parents, I didn't mind.

At 7 weeks I went to have an ultrasound done. I was told everything looked fine and that the baby had a heartbeat of 150 beats per minute. I went home feeling happy knowing it was healthy.

On went the weeks of morning sickness, giving up smoking, drinking no caffiene, alchohol, and abstaing from everything bad. This was especially hard for me since it was the holiday season, and people my age are not very sensitive to a pregnant woman's needs.

I remember on New Year's Eve sitting there crying becuase I knew something was wrong....but still I didn't even have a sip of anything. My boyfriend told me everything was fine, and not to worry. He know admits to me, he too knew something was wrong but didn't want to make me upset.

New Years day I woke up early afternoon and went to the bathroom. I wasn't even spotting. Just a little tinted discharge, but I knew it was over. I want to the E.R. and sat there for hours. They tested my blood and examined me...everything was fine. Then I had an ultrasound. The minute I saw him, I knew he had died. I started crying and my boyfriend tried to calm me.

Then he asked if the tech could measure the heartbeat....there was nothing, but she didn't say anything. I was wheeled back and the doctor told me it was a fetal demise. I cried, my boyfriend cried, my parents cried. They wanted to keep me so my ob/gyn could come talk to me. I wanted to go home. So I did.

The next day I went to the doctor and he said I would have to wait until Friday to have a D&C, and I would start bleeding heavier in the next few days. It was Tuesday. I couldn't believe they would make me carry the baby like this. I went home in disbelief.

I woke up on Wed. with strong contractions at 7 a.m.. The doctor said to meet him at the hopsital and I would have the D&C later that day. Instead of giving me something for the pain the hospital lied to me and gave me a drug to give me more contractions. It must have been horrible for my boyfriend to sit there and watch me cry and scream and not be able to do anything. I was finally given some demerol at 11:15 a.m. My water broke at 11:30, or I should say exploded, before the drugs even kicked in. I finally went to sleep.

At 1:45 I woke up becuase I felt something. I looked down and there on the bed lay my 12-week old baby boy. There wasn't even nurses around. When they did come they put him in a jar with some fluid and left him on the table next to me. I looked at him. He was perfect. So small with a face and fingers and toes. I cried.

At 4:30 I had the D&C. When I woke up my boyfriend cried as he told me it was a boy and that the doctor had looked at him and he looked totally healthy. The doctor left before I even woke up. I wanted to ask him questions but I guess he didn't care.

I wonder what went wrong with Adonis. He is all I think about all day everyday. My boyfriend is more of a mess than me. He can't eat or sleep normally. People have been telling us things like this happen for a reason. I don't believe that we were too young or that we should have been married first. I think it was just random and it happened to us.

I feel like my boyfriend and I don't fit in with other 19 year olds now. We experienced something more adult than they ever will for years. I gave up school and many other things for Adonis. I miss him. I wonder what went wrong. I guess I will never know, but I know he is up in heaven watching over his mommy and daddy.

It all began a little over two years ago now. I was 21, and a first year university student. Still living at home with my parents and dependent on them, having a baby was the last thing I needed to be thinking about. I didn't think my life could change so drastically in such a short amount of time. When I found out I was pregnant a million and one thoughts raced through my head. What would my boyfriend say or do? Would he support me and our baby, or split as some do. What about my parents, they would kill me.

I quickly decided I couldn't have this baby. I only told my best friend who agreed to help me in any way she could. Soon I began to feel bloated, tired, and morning sickness set in. I spent many mornings at school running out of lectures to get to the bathroom. As time went on I began to grow attached to that baby, and loved the idea that this baby was growing inside my tummy. I loved my boyfriend and knew we would be together, we had plans to marry once I finished school.

I then decided I would have this baby, still not having told my boyfriend my best friend became excited while I was still feeling scared and confused. My own excitement quickly grew only to have it shattered so quickly.

One day while at school I began cramping, pain I will never forget. I just ignored the pain not sure what it was, being too nieve to know other wise. Before leaving school that day I made a quick stop to the bathroom and noticed I was beginning to spot, but still I just brushed it off as one of those things that happen. The next day I left school early, the pain was unbearable, and I was bleeding pretty heavy (what I thought anyway).

I drove myself to the hospital where they did an ultrasound and some other tests. That was when the news came, I was in the process of having a miscarriage. I remember laying there crying wishing my boyfriend were there with me, only he wasn't and I had to deal with this on my own. I went home that day and cried till I couldn't cry no more, I couldn't even phone my bestfriend to tell her what had happend.

For months I would cry for no reason, my boyfriend and family didn't know what to think since no one knew what I had been through. I eventually told my bestfriend a few days after but, she wouldn't listen when I needed to talk. I think it made her feel uncomfortable.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore I was miserable and my boyfriend couldn't understand why. One night I decided I would tell him and did. He was shocked, and upset, and hurt at the fact that I didn't tell him, but he still loved me just the same and understood why I felt I couldn't tell him.

It's been two years since this whole ordeal. I'm still in school with one year left. My boyfriend and I are engaged to be married, and just recently moved in together. It still hurts, and I still cry myself to sleep some nights, but I have found comfort in being able to visist this site, and took comfort in creating a memorial for my baby Jesse.

I would appreciate to hear from others, as well as be a listening ear to those who need one, I did.

The whole week before Christian was born, I wasn't feeling just right but just thought it was the ever changing feelings associated with being pregnant. At 21 weeks I was just beginning to really truly feel his little kicks. On Friday April 20th I woke up with the worst lower back pain, then went to the bathroom and saw that I was bleeding.

My fiance took me to my doctors office (I should have been going straight to the hospital). They did an ultrasound and told me that my membranes were funneling through my cervix and that we may loose the baby.

All I could think was, how can this be happening to me, I can't loose this baby. I wanted him more than anything. I couldn't understand. I had the perfect pregnancy, no vomiting, not a lot of pains and aches. Both the baby and I were healthy. I felt better pregnant than not. The terror and fear I felt was unlike anything I have ever felt.

The drive to the hospital was the longest drive of my life. After we got to the hospital they made me lay pretty much on my head and gave me medication to stop the contractions as well as morphine for the pain. On Saturday they did an ultrasound and told me the membranes were funneling back in and that if this happened they could perform a cerclage, and I should be able to hold the baby for at least a few more weeks.

The next day my lungs were filled with fluid, and they decided to take me off the medication ( the medication was causing this). I look back and wonder why they didn't try to put me on anything else instead. I was so out of it, and it upsets me that I was not in any frame of mind to make any further suggestions. I was pretty much just letting my fiance make all the decisions. (I am glad he was there.)

The doctor told us we would pretty much just have to let nature take its course. On Monday morning I could feel my baby very low in the birth canal kicking, and I knew this was it. My poor child, I wondered if he was feeling afraid or if he knew what was happeneing. I knew I didnt want him to suffer, so at that point I just wanted to deliver him. But they made me wait so they could do another ultrasound (I had to wait until the ultrasound department opened) which was totally ridiculous considering the fact that we all knew what was happening without having to have an ultrasound.

I delivered Christian Allen Lehman that morning. He lived for about 3 hours. I was so happy that God let us have that very little time with him. He was so beautiful and sweet. Such a little angel. I was amazed at how perfectly formed he was for how tiny he was.

It has been 5 months and although my relationship with my fiance has not made it through this terrible tragedy; I have, and I know that I am stronger because of it. ( I know I can handle anything.) The pain of loosing my son has not gotten any lighter. It is still a very strong pain..... my heart hurts continuously...

I did alot of horrible things in the past year. I admit that. I have been scared to share my story, for fear of people looking down on me. My name is Laura. I am 20 years old. I now live in Dallas, TX, with my close friend (hopefully more soon), Adam.

I guess you could say I ran away from my problems, but if O hadn't I would have gone crazy.

Last year I met nick. Despite the fact he was definitely not my type, he made laugh. So we began to date. Sometime around my 19th birthday, I got pregnant.

Being 19, working in a dead end job, I got scared. My pregnancy didn't become evident for about three months. My period was normal, and I didn't have any morning sickness. After I realized I was pregnant, I began to do all the things a pregnant woman isn't supposed to do. I drank a bit, I was never much of a drinker. I began to do drugs. I had never been much of a drug user, but I thought my life was over....so why should i care?

As time went by I decided that I wasn't going to have a miscarriage. It just wasnt going to happen, so I took out several loans and headed to an abortion clinic. My family was always very open minded, so it wasn't something they would have looked down on me for, if they had known. I thought it was a good decision considering I was barely 19 years old.

So I went on oct 2nd 2001. That's when my life changed for the better I suppose. They told me I was too far along. I was six months pregnant. I thought I was at most five months. so I dealt with it.

I told my family and friends and the baby's father, Nick. I quit smoking and everything else. I started eating right, and took really good care of myself. I fell in love with this child I had never met before, and cried nightly that I had never cared to meet her before.

Soon she became my life. I went straight into mommy mode. Everything went smoothly. I got every test possible to make sure my drug use didnt affect her, and every test came back clear. I was due to have a perfectly healthy baby on january 27 of 2002.

We bought everything we needed to take care of the baby. Nick and I spoke every night. It began to look like Nick and I would get married and raise our child together. I really never loved him, but I wanted a family life for my baby.

Christmas rolled around, I felt a mixture of misery from being so huge, and excitement of the thought of my baby coming soon. It was truly the happiest time of my life.

December 30 I woke up to nothing. She was never still, ever....except this morning. Everyone told me when it was time, the baby would get very still, so of course we all began really getting ready. New years eve at ten pm, I began to get really worried. The baby hadn't moved in almost two days, and I was getting contractions. So we went to the hospital.

Twenty past midnight on new years day, the doctors told us my baby was dead.

Besides the fact that I knew that I was giving birth to a still child, they made me go through natural child birth. So all together I carried her four days while she had already passed. Two days in labor ~ the best time of my life turned into the worst in a heart beat.

I spent a total of a week in the hospital.

After I had Elora, I came down with a bad case of epilepsy. I nearly bit my tounge off in Applebees after her funeral. Nick left me. He wouldn't even call me, and he still doesn't to this day. Once he found out about Eloras death, it went from our baby to just my baby. He didn't even cry.

I live with so many scars of rejection and guilt that it's hard to get out of bed in the mornings. I don't cry every day now, and I can think of other things besides her death.

I think I'm healing pretty good. I would just like to know if she forgives me for what I did to her. I want her to know that I wouldn't have traded my time with her for anything. I've got several years till I get to see her again.

Thank you all for letting me share my story. Laura ferguson ( mommy to Elora Reannon 01-02-02). Laura
Elora Reannon Smith
Jan 01,2002
Stillborn
Wichita Falls, Tx
5/16/02

It has been a few months since the evening I found out I was no longer carrying twins. I still have dreams that I give birth to two healthy babies. Some nights, I have the dreams every time I fall asleep. I wonder if the surviving baby can remember their twin? We felt like the twins would have been one boy and one girl – now there is one boy. We even had names picked out very early.

Now, I feel guilty for being sad. There are a lot of other issues in my life that need my attention, but my thoughts keep going back to the baby I lost. I don’t understand how one month, we could hear two heartbeats and the next see no sign of a second baby on the ultrasound monitor. There was an ultrasound done very early that had actually confirmed that it was twins and I saw both of their little hearts beating. I don’t know how to move past seeing and hearing two little hearts beating together.

My mother said that although she never had an ultrasound when she was pregnant with me, the doctor heard two heartbeats in the first trimester and then only one during the second (I was a single birth). This has been weighing heavily on my mind as well lately. I am scared that if I become pregnant again, that I will have to go through this all over again.

My relationship with my significant other was strained before we found out we were expecting and sometimes I get angry because he has taken a step back emotionally from me and from this pregnancy. It is so hard to focus on things as it is, but I feel like I am grieving for the loss of a baby and the impending end of a relationship. I want to be compassionate about his feelings because I know he is also experiencing a range of emotions, but I feel like that means I have to hold all of my feelings in.

I don’t know how to say goodbye to a baby I only saw during my 10th week of pregnancy on a fuzzy monitor. Family has always been the most important thing in my life and I am sad/angry that this has somehow put a wedge in the family we were trying to grow together.

I think of this baby as the girl we thought we would have, and have given her that name: Kelsi Jean. I love her and believe that she is now one of God’s angels. I think about her every time I see a baby girl’s outfit that I would have given my daughter. I do not want to forget her but I do not know how healthy it is to think about and dream about her all of the time.