My experience...

2 miscarriages and still trying with hope...

I want to let everyone know what I went through..

I joined the Marine Corps in 1997 and married a wonderful man in 1999.

Jonair was the fourth baby that I lost to a miscarriage. But he was my longest term baby. I lost him at 14 weeks. I found out that I was pregnant on Mother's Day of this year. I waited to tell anyone because I wanted to have a time when it was just my baby and me together so that we could have a special bond.

Six weeks into every pregnancy the problems began and so they did this time. There wasn't a week that I wasn't at the doctor's office or in the emergency room at least 3 times. Every time I thought I was having a miscarriage, and there were many, I'd go to the doctor or the hospital and there would be his heartbeat! (Once it looked as though he was making the fingers in ears, tongue wagging face at me on the ultrasound!) And again tears and sighs of relief.

The night time was more soothing and comforting because everything was quiet and peaceful, and I would talk to Jonair and tell him how much I loved him and how much he was wanted. I tried to channel all my love into my womb for him to feel. I'd lay so still and quiet because all I wanted him hear was the beating of my heart because I felt that it was so soothing and comforting to him. There were even nights that I would tell him that if he just didn't feel like fighting anymore that it would be o.k. if he went back to heaven and that I would love him still.

Still the problems continued. So did the praying. On July the 24th, the day of a scheduled regular visit and one week before going to find out my baby's sex, I began to leak fluid. At the hospital my doctor told me that she would have to do a D&C because Jonair was already in the birth canal.

I asked for a few minutes along to say good-bye to him. Returning home I could find no comfort, no peace. How could I be pregnant one minute and not the next. The nights were extremely hard.

After a month I sat down and I wrote a letter to Jonair to tell him how blessed and how thankful I was that God had allowed me to have him for the time that I had him. At the time of my miscarriage I did not know that he was a boy because I was to find out the sex the following week of my miscarriage. In my letter to him I told him that I was sorry that I was unable to give him a name because I never got the to know his sex. But at my 6th week post-op check-up the doctor told me that my pathology report stated that my baby was a boy. And although he'd always been my baby, never a embryo or fetus, somehow knowing that he was a boy just made him more real.

Even to this day my heart aches for him and it always will. I still count the days, weeks and months that I should be. And even though I never got to feel him move aournd inside me or I never got to physically touch him, I hear his heartbeat, STILL!

Hi, I was doing research on multiple miscarriages, without established cause, when I stumbled onto your website. First let me say, that it is the best site I have ever checked out on the world wide web! I want to tell you how awesome it is to see that there is a place we can go to know there really are people who REALLY know how we feel.

I have had eight miscarriages and one "tubal" that resulted in the removal of my right tube. With each loss, a piece of me died, too. I have alot of very loving, people in my life, but none that REALLY know how I feel.

My mom, however, did have one miscarriage when I was very young. She was six months along and my brother was at least six weeks under developed. I never met my little brother, the only one I ever had. I always think about what he would've looked like, how close we would've been.

In his memory, I swore when I had a son, I would name him, Jason Michael,(the name he was to be given). But I've never had the chance. My mom, doesn't talk about it and doesn't like for me to talk about my losses much either.

I've lost most of them within the first eight weeks. It seemed like I just find out that I'm pregnant, and they tell me, the pregnancy is over. They call it a "natural abortion". I hate that term. I woul never aborted my pregnancies, and the term just adds more guilt. You think, "well, if I hadn't done whatever it was, my body wouldn't have gotten rid of it. If I hadn't been just a little scared, of another loss, or the million other feelings a woman has.

My longest pregnancy lasted four months. My mom and boyfriend were elated, even though I was only 17. Things were going well. I was feeling good, and was progressing nicely. But then I started spotting. Not much at first, it was really light, hardly even noticeable. But I called the hospital, anyway. They just told me to lie down and if it got heavier to go in. When my mom got home from work at 11:00, that night, it had gotten heavier so we went to the hospital.

The dr., on call, did a blood test and a pelvic exam and said that it would be a waiting game and sent me home. He said if the bleeding got worse or I passed anything, to get there right away. So home I went to await the loss of the child I already loved so much. I laid down on my bed, and with each sharp pain, I felt a piece of my heart shatter.

I awoke to go to the bathroom, and all my fears turned into, reality. At 4am, mom and Chris, were rushing me back to the hospital. The new shift had taken over by then, so I had to endure all the repeat exams, from just hours before. The only thing this dr., did differently, was an ultrasound.

For most pregnant mothers' their child's first picture, to be taken before it is even born, is a wonderful experience. But for me, when I looked at the screen, my heart broke into a zillion pieces when the technician, confirmed that my baby had died. The only picture I will ever have of my precious baby, was one confirming that he or she was dead. I still see that image in my mind to this day.

The dr., admitted me, and said that another dr. would be in to see me about 8am. They gave me medication for the pain and a valium to relax. Yeah, sure like a pill is going to help me relax, I just found out I'd never get to watch my unborn child grow.

When the new dr., came in, he once again repeated the process. Then he told me that I had to decide which option was best to take care of "it". He gave me the following options and then said it was up to me.

I didn't even have to think about it, when I gave him my answer. In fact, I gave him my reasons for not wanting the other options I had been given. I explained that I was in too much pain to "wait it out", and refused the pitocin (pardon the misspelling) because I couldn't give birth to a child I would never take home.

Against my wishes I was put on the pitocin, anyway. All day, they pumped that stuff into me, and I laid there in pain, and waiting. For almost two days, nothing happened. Around, 8:00, that night a nurse came in to give me another injection of the medication I had already been refusing. I told the nurse that if she injected that medication into me one more time I would kill her. They were strong, immoral words, I realise, but I had had enough.

She left the room and about an hour later, I received a phone call from DR. Bennett. He asked me why I was refusing the medication and I stated my claim again. When the nurse phoned him, she omitted the fact that I was having a miscarriage, and led him to believe, all was fine. He was very sympathetic, and said that he would be in to see me in the morning and if nothing happened through the night, he would give me the D+C. So again I waited.

I didn't sleep, that night at all. The physical pain was attrocious, and the emotional was worse. The dr., came in at 7am, and by 8, I was being prepped for surgery. The surgery went well, but when I awoke, I was asking for my child. I had sworn I had had a healthy child. But my mom gave me the harsh reality, that my baby was gone.

I cried for weeks. Everyone gave me the same cruel, cliches, and told me I was still young and had plenty of time. That was Dec. 19, 1994, and I am still childless. not to mention, having suffered the loss of two sets of twins, two single pregnancies and the tubal.

I have a cousin, that is the same age as my second little Angel, would be. He was born Jan. 1, 1995. His mother was dating my uncle, but was giving the baby up for adoption. Neither her or my uncle were ready for a child. They broke up during her pregnancy, and my aunt agreed to raise the baby.

I was so angry. I hated that "woman". Here I was suffering the loss of my precious child and she was throwing hers away. I couldn't comprehend it. How could God, let my child, who would've been loved more than my own life, die, and allow her to have a healthy unwanted baby. It wasn't fair. IT JUST WASN'T FAIR!!!

Now I have a beautiful 9 month old niece, named, Mackenzie. I love her with all my heart, but I am also very jealous. My sister is 5 years younger than me and has endomitriosis. Although I am very greatful she was able to have her daughter, I can't help almost hating her. It just doesn't seem right that with her established health problems, she can have a child on her first try, and I can't have a child, with no reason, for it. I don't like feeling this way about it, in fact I hate myself for the way I feel toward my sister and niece, but I can't help it.

Every day I'm faced with the harsh reality that I may never be blessed with a child of my own. I will never be able to afford other fertility options, and because of my mental illness, (bi-polar and PTSD) will never be able to adopt. I'm terrified and don't know what to do. I can't go through life never being able to hear the pitter patter of little feet in my life.

If there is anyone outthere that can help me please feel free to e-mail or send me an instant message.

My beautiful baby you have gone to heaven to join your sibling. Mommy and Daddy miss both of you so dearly. Mommy is so empty inside without you.

I was only 19 when I lost your brother or sister so I was not expecting to lose you. You have to wondeful brothers here with mommy and daddy. One day we will all be joined together in heaven till then know that I love you both with all my heart and so wish I could hold you.

Happy birthday my first born little one you would be 9 this month. Take care of your baby brother or sister for mommy. I know Jesus has a rocking chair and that you fell no saddness. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

In 1991 I had my first misscariage. I found out I was pregnant one month after being married. We were thrilled. At 11 wks I began spotting and three days later began bleeding very heavily. I went to the Dr. who was totally callous and insensitive and he preformed a D &C. I grieved heavily. My friends and family were very supportive and sent flowers and came to visit.

I spiralled into a deep depression and after three years of infertiity became pregnant again. I had a beautiful baby boy who made life joyful again. One year later I had a 30 wk premmie baby girl. She too has made life joyful but this time the joy was later in coming as she is disabled and her first year of life was hell for all of us.

Stress increased due to her disability and the issues around raising two small children. My husband and I drifted apart. I dealt with stress by keeping busy which took me away from my family and he dealt with it by turning to another woman. I found out and the children and I left him. We came back together with the understanding and belief that we went tragically wrong but we were meant to be together.

I found out I was pregnant again. This was after 6 years of relatively no birth control and we were both approaching 40 fast. It felt like God was divinely intervening in our lives once more. I was shocked but happy. My husband was happy but terrrified. My mother in law was angry--my family was thrilled. Our children were thrilled.

I had several weeks of morning sickness and a nagging feeling that this baby would not come. Then I had my eight week visit. We had an ultrasound and it showed a healthy baby with a strong heart beat. I began to relax and enjoy the idea of a new family member.

Then came that last week in May. Once again I was 11 wks. My husband crashed his car and by the grace of God was not killed...four days later I began spotting. It was very light and I still was not overly concerned. I kept remembering that beatiful heartbeat in the ultrasound.

I did make an appt just to ease my mind. When I got to the Dr.(this time a much more compassionate one) I was taken in for another ultrasound. This time there was no heartbeat. The tech kept checking and finally I said I don't see a heartbeat. She said I am so sorry I don't see one either. The dr said my baby had died a few weeks before.

I went and got my husband and went to the hospital for a D&C. I am willing to accept that it is Gods will that this baby too went to join Him but am having a hard time because everyone has just gone on like I was never pregnant.

I do not know how to greive and move on alone. I feel like noone not even my husband is grieving the loss of this child. Everyone is sad for me but the feeling that there was a life and now it is gone is not there.

I treasure the fact that this child was conceived and grew inside me even if it was for such a short while. I write this because I know that you women will understand that I lost a life and maybe help me in honoring that life so I can go on. thank you,Dana

I come here looking for someone, ANYONE to help me with this pain. As I prepare myself for my upcoming and final infertility test, I find myself feeling more and more out of control of my emotions.

I have had 4 miscarriages inall before 12 weeks. 3 of them being within the last 15 months. I dread going to the hospital and seeing so many happy new parents with there beautiful babies, and all I have ahead of me is a painful test ,a maxi pad and an unsupportive family. So unsuportive,that my mother in-law stated that "she didn't consider us losing 3 children because they didn't breath."

I had a saying from this site on my refrigerator that says "grief can make you a bitter person or a better person." I fear it is making me bitter. I hope someone can help. I am only 30 and I feel as though my life revolves around something that so many take for granted.