Our Experience ~ Angel Calloway (4/7/03)
"Missing Him" by Heather (7/16/03) and "Lost" (9/03)
"Three times the hurt!" (8/11/03)
"My Angel Matthew' by Lisa (10/8/03) GA
"A BABY SO WANTED - TAKEN" by Rach (10/19/03)
"Our Little Angel, Taylor" by Rachel (11/03)
"I just wish there was an easy way to have kids." by Sara (11/23/03)
"I thought I was doing ok..." by Gina (11/23/03) GA
"I need help. I just lost my fourth baby through miscarriage last November." by Yvette (12/19/03)
"Never Thought......." by Patti (1/4/04)
"the baby i never knew" by jeannette (3/14/04)
"Older" potential mom - thinking to try again.." by Rebecca 7/17/04
"Miricle baby #3" by Kerry (8/8/04)
"Elizabeth Vaishnavi: Our baby girl..." by Ambuja (August 21, 2004)
"Baby Delph ~ 03/25/2000" by Andrea (August 21, 2004)
"DANIEL RYAN HICKEY ~ 8/25/04" by Kimberly (September 1, 2004)
"How can I move forward?" by Amy (11/10/04)
"Halia Thum ~ 8-4-2004" by Amanda (1/10/05)
"Marissa Renee ~ 01/21/05" by her mom (1/25/05)
"Will I ever be blessed with a miracle?" by Lisa (5/4/05) GA
"The story of my two Angels" by Christy (5/4/05) GA
"Aidan's Memory" by Ila (5/2/05)
"3 Miscarriges and a Disability (6/15/05)
"Miscarriage...I am very upset and it seems that society tells me i shouldn't be." by Gwen (6/30/05)
I went to the bathroom and seen blood. I paniced and called the doctor. They didn't act like it was anything bad, but I could feel something wasn't right. I made an appointment for the following morning. I prayed all night for it to be nothing serious.
The next morning I went and was getting the ultrasound. I had had one at 7 weeks and saw it as soon as it came up on the screen. Its little heart beating away. I thought it was as healthy as could be.
This time laying there I was facing the monitor, but I kept my eyes closed. Nobody was saying anything. I just kept praying, and I finally opened my eyes and the doc. said I don't see a heartbeat.
Tears started falling down my cheeks, and I felt all alone. Even though I was crying in my mother in laws arms I was alone. I felt no one could give me back that part of me.
I was histerical for days. Then god told me every thing was going to be fine. He told me he was holding my baby, and I would be able to see it soon enough. I don't think I could have made it through this without him.
I still cry so it won't bottle up inside me. Afterwards I feel so much better.
It also helps having so many family members to talk to and cry with. You really need to talk to people who love you and care about you. People who are willing to go through it with you. My family are the best, and I am blessed to have them.
God knew what he was doing, and I will never question him. It is because of him that I even got to experience something living inside me. There is alot of people in this world who won't ever get to feel this awesome feeling. It is for them that I will always feel for.Sandi
I lost my baby after 4 weeks. I miss him so much. I want someone to talk to. I need someone who feels the same way I do. I still grieve even after so long.
I am still struggling with the loss of my first child. I struggle everyday. I cry almost every night. I need people who feel the same way to help cope. I need to vent.Heather
Marcia's thoughts: I know it seems like a long time since April, but in the process of grief four months is about the point of time that the reality of all of what has happened to you clicks in. (see Month by Month under Sharing Stories). You have experienced two losses and it takes time to grieve these. Often, society doesn't let or want us to grieve a baby that we loss to miscarriage. I and we know that every child is important and special - no matter how long we carried him or her. In our path at the angel are the words from Dr. Seuss - "A Person's a person no matter how small." Those words are going to be the theme of our Memorial and candlelighting services this year. We will be asking for moms or dads to write on this thought for our service (it is of course optional to do so), but you might have some thoughts along this topic.
Our path is especially significant for people like us who have no grave to visit. The memorial bricks provide us a place to name our baby and to visit. The garden is beautiful! The couple that designed the path had several miscarriages, too. Their work is in memory of their babies. They now have two living children.
Our newsletter editor had several miscarriages as have I and we understand the pain. Several in my group have had miscarriages. There is a lot of information about miscarriage on our site. We encourage parents to seek medical support - often there is help for stopping miscarriages. There are some very good doctors in Atlanta that have helped many of our group have living children.
Please come join us at our meetings. Our Parent Packet gives you the directions and information about our groups.
I don't know what to do. I am lost. I was so alone when I lost my baby. I thought it would last...I have had two losses beforehand. I remember having the mantra "Third time is a charm." My fiance Josh was gone to basic training and all I had to communicate with him was by USPS. I wanted to be held and comforted, but all I got was "Maybe you were better off and you shouldn't dwell." Josh wrote me that he lost his mind and broke down being so far away. I still feel as if it was my fault. I didn't go to the doctor even though I should have. I don't know what else to feel. I am numb.
Marcia's thoughts: Heather, please join us at our meetings - there is one in McDonough, GA on the first Tuesday of each month. If you haven't already ordered our "Parent Packet," (either online or by calling us) it would give you the directions to all of the meetings, supportive books to read, and grief support.
Did you see the beautiful pictures of our Angel Garden and Memorial bricks and article about us in the Sunday, October 5, 2003, Living section (front page) of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution? It told of Jennifer, our group's newsletter editor, who has lost three babies to miscarriage. It was filled with hope and healing after tragic loss. I have a link to it on my site. You are not alone if you will join us or email some of the members on the site. Please take care.
First of all, Thank you to everyone who have shared their stories, they have really helped me and I don't feel as alone.
I have had 3 miscarriages. Each one has been in the first trimester and my longest one making it to 12 weeks. I am a Labour and Delivery Nurse and as of yet have not been able to return to work since my last miscarriage a few weeks ago on July 29, 2003.
My husband and I waited for 4 years after we got married to decide to have children. We always knew that we wanted children and both of us finally felt we could provide everything needed to have a healthy family. I got pregnant right away with our first. Instantly my whole life changed. My thought process, my hopes and dreams, and my goals. My pregnancy went to 9 weeks when I started to spot. I was at work and an ultrasound was done. There was no Heartbeat. My whole world crashed. I needed a D&C the next morning.
We waited for 3 months to try getting pregnant again. I knew that I was pregnant before the test turned positive for our second one. Again, my world changed and I convinced myself that I would not be a "repeat miscarrier" as they call it. This pregnancy lasted to 6 weeks and then I awoke to heavy bleeding and cramping. I was losing another precious baby. How could this be happening to me......I had so many feelings twirling through my soul. This time I did not need to have a D&C which I was relieved about because of the feeling of such loss and lack of closure after my first.
We didn't wait long to try again because we were sure that this third baby would be just fine and that we couldn't be cursed. I started progesterone therapy as soon as I found out that I was pregnant because my doctor and I thought I might have a problem with my progesterone levels dropping before the placenta could start producing it's own levels. I had a day of cramping when I was at work when I was about 8 weeks pregnant so my doctor booked me off work until I was past my first trimester. My time at home was going great. I felt better resting and was very confident that I would return to work with a nice swollen belly with a beautiful baby inside.
My life totally shattered on the morning of July 28, 2003. I was almost 12 weeks, I awoke to use the bathroom and and saw the faintest hint of blood. Words can not describe my feelings. I AM CURSED!!!!! Again, I have lost my little baby. I decided this time to return home and have my baby there where it should have had the chance to live and grow and be loved.
Our family have been very supportive and my co-workers are very concerned but I feel like I am so alone. My doctor is sending us for genetic testing and recommends us not to try and get pregnant for at least 3 months. My whole life is on hold and I feel like I'm standing still.
It truly has helped to read other people's feelings and positive outcomes. I continue to feel like I am in my own little world of anguish and nobody understands how this turmoil can possibly feel but after reading about people naming their babies and doing things to recognize the short lives that they had, I think that doing that might help deal with the hurt and anguish.
Thank you for such a wonderful site MarciaTania
I have two healthy children, Thank God, but I have also lost a baby. For years I have suffered severe bleeding and other female problems. My Dr. wants to do a hysterectomy, but I am only 37 years old so I am holding out as long as possible. In March of 2000, she gave me the option of a surgical procedure that would hopefully stop the bleeding all together or at least slow it down, an endometrial eblation. This procedure destroys the lining of your uterus, therefore you can not get pregnant after it.
Of course, with my bad luck, I would be the first person she's ever heard of who did concieve this past summer. I also used birth control to be extra safe and still got pregnant.
On Oct. 6, 2002, my family went to visit my in laws as it was my mother in laws birthday. All morning I was experiencing sharp pains in my lower abdomen. After resting for a while I felt better so I went back to be with the family. I got up to go to the bathroom and fluid just gushed and went everywhere, like when my water broke with my two previous pregnancies. I could't be pregnant- we used birth control and I had not been bleeding at all for months.
I went to our local emergency room and they were packed, did not consider me an emergency, so we went home and went to my Dr. the next morning. She did an ultrasound and to our horror there was a beautiful, little lifeless baby. There was no fluid at all and no sign of life. He was eighteen and one-half weeks gestation. We were shocked and devestated.
Because of high risk to me she immediately sent me straight to Northside Hospital, where I spent the next four days in horror. None of the normal ways to induce me to deliver worked and I was exhausted and becoming hysterical. C-section was not an option because my uterus was at high risk of rupturing. Our only option was D&E, the same horrible procedure they use for abortions. Our baby would have to be destroyed to be removed from my body. The thought still just tears me up inside.
The Dr. was able to tell us it was a boy, and that his spine and legs were deformed. We named him Matthew David and had im blessed by the chaplain.
His remains are at a very old, historical cemetary in Stn. Mtn. that we visit often, but we have since discovered the beautiful Babyland Garden at Arlington, his brick is being placed this Sunday.
I feel very guilty that I did not know I was pregnant even though I am told he would not have survived anyway. The procedure failed as my uterus lining is coming back and so is the resurgance of the problems I was having.
In Jan.2003, I found out I have type 2 Diabetes, due to gestational diabetes during undetected pregnancy, then in May I fell down the stairs and broke bones in both of my feet. See, I told you I have bad luck. I can only pray that the next year is better.
Bless you guys for giving us a place to share and for the wonderful Angel Garden. It gives me great peace each time I visit.
I had recently seperated from my husband and got pregnant to another man. I have two lovely boys already and the thought of three under 4 on my own was daunting. I thought of abortion but could not do it so instead I decided to let my friend who was desperately trying to adopt adopt this baby.
She was over the moon.
We went to the midwife for our 12 week check and heard the heartbeat so loud and strong. 5 days later we went for a routine scan and were told the heartbeat was not there anymore. My first thoughts were "your'e doing it wrong - your'e not looking in the right place" Apparently there was something wrong with the baby and a second doctor confirmed what the woman had told us.
Two days later I had to go for a D&C to remove the baby. Because I had decided that this was not my baby that I was carrying and that it was my friends I thought it made it easier to accept but in actual fact I was kidding myself.
I have had a miscarriage before and the feelings I have had for them both are different and yet they are the same. The day after my D&C another girl I knew was going for an abortion - my feelings were "here she is getting rid of a baby she doesnt want and here we are loosing a baby that was so desperately wanted" I just couldnt make out the sense in it - where is the justice in that?
My friend was thinking of calling the baby Lily if it was a girl and so in that theme we have both planted a lily plant in a pot. We are going to get the baby when it comes back from the lab and have a service to say our goodbyes (just the two of us) and then hopefully that will be closure and we can start to put that to rest and move on. I also wrote a poem for the baby which I have included.
We are going to put this poem in with the baby when we have our service.
Anyway it has been good being able to "put this down on paper" and get some of my thoughts out in - I know that my friend is going through the same thing but it just doesn't seem right to talk to her about it incase I upset her.
Marcia's thoughts: I would suggest to please share your feelings with your friend - I feel most certain that she has very similar feelings as you do. Bringing it up for her is just like bringing it up for you. You both have experienced a death of a baby that was special for you both. Talking about it together could be very healing for both of you. She can always ask you not to share if it makes her uncomfortable. My guess is is that she will cherish the opportunity to express her feelings.
It is special that you are planning a memorial, that this little one's name is Lily, and that you have offered a poem in her memory. Yes, writing down our thoughts can be very helpful, I am glad it felt right for you. In our groups, we often talk about doing a journal for healing.
Having a service will be very meaningful. Do understand that doing healing activities is part of the grieving process. While they will help, they don't necessarily end the process. Each of you will grieve differently and there is no timeframe for grief. Please read my thoughts online under "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal." Bless you both and please be gentle with yourselves as you continue through the grieving process.
My husband and I just lost our little one 8 weeks ago. I went in for regular visit to the doctor. To find out about some tests she had ordered 2 weeks prior. I was to be 15 weeks at that time. And she started to look for the baby's heart beat. It seemed to take long time. She felt that the baby was okay so she wanted another sonogram to make sure.
So I went back later that afternoon. I was excited to see the baby again and maybe learn of the sex.The lady who was doing the test started to say that she couldn't find the heartbeat but then stopped talking to me. I knew something was wrong. She kept saying that I had to talk to the doctor. I began to cry for I knew deep in my heart something wasn't right.
When I talked to Doctor all she could say was"I don't know what the tech told you but I need you to come in tomorrow."
So all night I kept praying that things would be okay. And asking God to put his hands on our little one.
The next morning my husband and I went back to the doctor's office. She began to tell us that I had miscarried the last week. And our little one was gone. That I needed to go and deliver the baby and that she wanted me to have one last sonogram. So that I could see for myself.
Luckily my mother was there also. When I saw the picture and that flat line my heart broke. The sonogram said that the baby was 14 weeks. I felt so numb by all the news and never imagined that this would happen.
Then I had to give birth to our silent angel Taylor. We got to spend some time with him or her. I tried to say goodbye. I will never forget how sweet Taylor looked. I know that there wasn't anyway that he or she could have lived. The main organs devloped outside of the little body.
I have 3 other friends that are also pregnant. One delivered on the same day as I did. It hurts me that I lost my baby I was so ready to be a mommy.
So now I go to the Chritmas box Angel in our area. It's the one place I know where I can go be with Taylor.
I miss Taylor so much. And my love for him or her grows everyday.Rachel
Marcia's thoughts: You were blessed to be able to hold and see Taylor. Those memories will always be dear. I hope that you have visited more of our online pages that support parents who have experienced a miscarriage. It is also special that you have the Angel of Hope to visit near your home as we do here. So many of our parents have found comfort and peace in our SHARE Atlanta Angel Garden. Please know our thoughts are with you.
My husband and I got pregnant right away and were so excited. I had my doctor's appointment at 12 weeks and he was out of town. They couldn't find a heartbeat and said they wanted to do an ultrasound, but went to lunch and forgot I was in the waiting room. Then they finally realized and did an ultrasound and discovered there was no heartbeat and that my baby stopped developing around 6 weeks. I was devastated, but not discouraged.
We waited a couple of years and again I got pregnant right away. I had lots of bleeding again, but they said there as nothing they could do for me. I had seen the hearbeat and carried on as usual. My sister and I went to Chicago for the weekend and within 5 minutes of being there my water broke at 17 weeks.
We went to the ER and the doctor asked me why I was crying. I thought are you an idiot? They had me stay in the hotel on bedrest for three days and then said I could go back to WI. I started cramping on the way.
I went to the doctor at home the next day and they did another ultrasound. They baby looked like it was being crushed in the corner. That evening I had lots of pain and cramping and they baby came out, however not all the way. My husband called 911 and they cut the cord, but left it in my body.
At the hospital they tried to induce labor so I could pass the cord on my own, but all I got was a nice big infection. I couldn't look at the baby when it happened! - It was just too much to deal with. My husband saw her though and said she was cute, but little.
Several days after I got home my milk came in and the hospital called to confirm my stay for when my baby was actually due.
Then I needed several years to deal with all this. We had tons of testing done and sought out a specialist. We tried for 1 1/2 years with no luck. I was put on clomid and got a cyst on my ovary. We stopped tracking everything and I finally got pregnant.
We were thrilled though with guarded excitement. I was put on progesterone and had to give myself two injections of heparin a day in the stomach for something called lupus anitcoagulant. We felt they finally figured it all out. I hadn't had any bleeding and was scheduled to have a circlage put in at 13 weeks with bedrest to follow for the duration because of being exposed to DES when my mom was pregnant with me. I was willing to do whatever I had to.
We went in at 8 weeks for an US and they couldn't find a heartbeat. They figured the due date was wrong and told me to come back intwo weeks. I wasn't too worried yet because I hadn't been bleeding. I went back and still no heartbeat. They wanted me to wait one more week to be sure.
I was still giving myself shots hoping it would be ok, but they determined that this baby also stopped growing at 6 weeks and scheduled a D&C for a week later so all the medication would be out of my system. Low and behold I started cramping and miscarried the day before my surgery.
They have no answers and the doctors all say different things. My doctor told me it still could work.
I just can't seem to feel better this time. My husband had a brain tumor removed in Sept 2001 (he is fine and we are grateful), but it just seems like nothing is going right.
I know life isn't fair and that we have a lot to be grateful for, but sometimes I just wish it would work out. We looked into doing foster care, but were too stressed out about it. Now we are looking into adoption, but in some ways that prolongs the heartache as it proves how hard it is to have children.
I get so tired of having to understand people's stupid comments and that they mean well. I hate being around pregnant people. I just feel sad. I feel guilty that my husband doesn't have kids because of me, but he assures me he will stick by me no matter what.
I am ashamed to talk about what has happened to me and feel some safety doing so here. I don't know why I feel ashamed. I feel like I've done something wrong if I tell people about it. I feel guilty that I don't ever want to try again. I at least can get pregnant and so many people can't.
I just wish there was an easy way to have kids. I appreciate you taking the time to hear my story - sorry if I got long winded. I wish you all the best of luck in your journey.Thank you. SaraSara
Marcia's thoughts: Sara, you are at a place where many of our parents come to - a very hard place to be in. Perhaps, one of the HARDEST places to be in. You are tired of all of the efforts that have gone into what should be so much easier: having children. I liked your statement: I just wish there was an easy way to have kids. I have felt it myself and heard it many times. Having children used up much of my "adult" life! Frustration, tears, fears, guilt, uncertainty, a life "put on hold" waiting for the children to arrive. Then they don't.
SHARE Atlanta works at providing a safe haven to talk about and share the pain of loss. Everyone who is a part of our group understands because most of us feel the same way - or has in the past. These feelings aren't forgotten. They are dealt with then when we hear another parent speak the words, we can say "We understand." because we do..
You have done so many good things: sought medical support, followed their advice, gave yourself time between losses, and tried to figure this out. You have three children, but they are not with you in a physical sense. One of the realities of loss is the grief. Often, especially with early losses, we don't really grieve the deaths. Your thoughts of guilt (not giving your husband living children, about not wanting to try again, feeling ashamed to talk about your losses - feeling low self-worth and ashamed of the 'failures' (which you didn't cause) are all secondary losses. Our primary loss is the death of our babies, the secondary losses are all of the other things (or losses) that happen because our babies died.
We have to give ourselves "permission to grieve" and to recognize the loss of our children. Society has put a low significance to the loss of a pre-term baby (the hospital's reaction to your crying, other's dismissal, etc.). WE have to make our statment that every life counts and that when our baby died we lost a very special part of us. A part that we have often thought about since we were children. When we do this, we can begin to make these little ones part of who we are - not an insignificant happening. If it is insignificant why do we hurt?
WE hurt because our children, our dreams are gone. But, we can honor these little ones. Many name their children (my two miscarried children's names are - Catherine Marie, and Elizabeth Hope). I don't know for sure what sex they are, but I decided they were girls. I have mementos in their memory (just as I do for my grandparents) and as I have seen other moms do this, they begin to heal. You may have mementos and named your babies, but if you haven't there is an entire section: Coping Ideas about this.
As you heal, some of the other decisions for having a child become less overwhelming. Many of our parents adopt to become parents, but I believe you have to be at peace with your past before this feels like an option. Sometimes, parents opt for foster care or no children (this usually isn't the case). But, it is in the healing of our grief that our heads clear, forgiveness happens, and new options can be dealt with.
Grief work is hard and it takes time. Time is empty, I think, if we don't use it to work through our grief.
Sara, you and your husband have been through a lot. You have given much to trying to have living children. My guess is that time has past but grieving might have not clearly happened. Your babies are special. They will always be a part of you and your husband. That is a good thing.
These are just my thoughts. I know that I have had five children, three in heaven, two on earth. Each one has been meaningful in some way. But, it took learning how to cope and deal with the very feelings that you are expressing - normal grief feelings - for me to make their lives meaningful because they ARE significant.
My hope is for you to work through your grief and find the path of what will be on the other side. I guess I got long winded, too.
I thought I was doing ok and that I could handle my loss, but I have come to see that I need someone to talk to. My husband tries, but he does not know how to help. I thought that since I lost my baby so early that it would be no big deal, but I miss my baby. Does anyone have any suggestions of who I can talk to or help with dealing with this. Thank youGina
Marcia's thoughts: There is also a great deal of information about emotional and medical support for those who have experienced miscarriage on this site. You will find links in our Medical/Links section and under our "Sharing Stories, Our Experience, Miscarriage."
I see that you are located in the Atlanta area. If you haven't already, call our number or send me an email with your address and phone number on it, and we will send you a Parent's Packet from our local group. Enclosed in that are some brochures about grief and our groups (where they meet and when), a suggested reading list, and a “SHARE Atlanta” booklet with thoughts shared by our members about SHARE Atlanta and healing. You will receive a years subscription to our newsletter, at no cost to you.
SHARE Atlanta's Angel Memorial Garden with memorial bricks to remember your baby is in Babyland in Arlington Memorial Park Sandy Springs. Many parents find it very healing to visit the garden. There is a memorial pathway for parents to include their special baby's name or loving thoughts about their baby in either a memorial brick for the pathway or in a keepsake brick (for your home). You can see pictures of it on our site (under ***Angel Memorial Garden) and in our Parent Packet.
You might have seen the article about our group and our angel in the Living section of Sunday, October 5, 2003 Atlanta Journal-Constitution. You can read it online - there is a link to it on the front page of our site. It specifically discusses miscarriage.
Also, consider reading through some of the material I have written (see drop down box) under "The First 24 Hours and Later" and "Allowing Grief to Happen to Heal." I wrote both of these with the confusion and pain of grief tied with the overwhelming desire to heal - in mind. They are based on my own experience with quotes from entries made on the site to validate this process called grief.
You may want to light a virtual candle in memory of your baby or include a verse or thought in our Memorial Garden. Doing special things for our baby often helps to ease our pain. I believe that we must give ourselves permission to grieve our baby - no matter how long we carried him/her. Often the dream to have a baby started when we were children and it is an important part of who we are to be as a parent. You lost an important part of you so you are grieving this little one. You can heal, but you have to grieve, first.
I need help. I just lost my fourth baby through miscarriage last November. I am dying inside. I cry myself to sleep every night.
I am so jealous of my sister -in- law who just had a new born baby- her third child, I can not go to see her. Sometimes I feel like such a failure I eventhink of suicide. I don't think I will do it but I just feel worthless as a woman.
I really need to join a group and find a way to start healing from four losses and no hope for a healthy pregnancy. Is there a support group I can join through share Atlanta? When and where is it? Please respond. YvetteYvette
Marcia's thoughts: We will be sending you our wonderful Parent Packet. Please read it and join us at a group in January. I promise you will meet other moms who feel exactly as you do and who wish to share their story with others. You are NOT alone - we are here for you.
Have you considered lighting a memorial candle in memory of your babies? I often helps to do something for our little ones. If you haven't named your four little ones, you could light one candle in memory of your special angels or babies or whatever you would choose. I will light a candle either or on both of or candle pages.
It might seem strange to do so, but so many find such comfort in doing this. You are grieving because you have lost four babies that mean much to you. They were your future. They are and always will be "part" of who you are. I often say that I have been molded by my five children: three in heaven and two living sons. ALL five mean a lot to me. I hurt, grieved, and healed - you can too. You are on the way by recognizing your need to talk about and figure out your grief.
Also, you will find help from others who got medical support. I don't know what you have done around that issue. Different doctors sometimes can really be supportive in our losses. There is hope...
There are several moms who just emailed me who have experienced miscarriage. They are on the same page as your note. Email them - they need someone, too.
You can email me, others and please come to my group in January. The packet will have directions to my home - the group is at my home. There also is a group in Austell. I have a hug waiting for you...
Never thought that I could lose another one...this is my third time here. My two other angels are Christian 5/5/99 (stillborn) and a miscarriage 9/11/98.
I truly thought this one was meant to be.....it was so hard after Christian, my husband and I divorced within 6 months, it was just too hard. Things were finally starting to go well again with my ex, and then I found out I was pregnant, not planned, so I was scared and happy at the same time. So I thought in the back of my head perhaps this was the path to our new start...considering that is how it all ended.
I was so wrong.....granted I was more prepared to lose this child, I really didn't think it would happen again. I feel like it's a sharp knife in a deep wound that will never heal and this just opens it all back up again. I miss so much and am so tired of feeling loss and so much guilt. And in a way, I fear that this will just push him away.
I tried not to get excited but a part of me just couldn't help but feel so complete and so new on the inside. Jeff and I do have an amazing 11 year old daughter, Alexa, and I thank God for her daily.....but I can never forget....what could be.........Patti
Marcia's thoughts: You have had a lot of loss with the loss of three children and a marriage. You are blessed to have your living daughter, but she can not take the place of the three you have lost.
In our groups we discuss how multiple losses influences us - it is a shock to think this can happen more than one time. It is like we never can 'get over the grief.' We fear we will have this same pain for the rest of our lives. We talk about gradually healing...as our babies would want us to. We talk about finding meaning for their presence in our lives. That is why I include a section on this topic on the site.
I have lost three, too. I often say that my five children, three in heaven and two on earth, have made me who I am today. Each has had a different impact on my life. Each is important and special to me. It took lots of pain and energy to work through the grief, but I know that it is doable...just lots of work.
Please consider reading through some of the material I have written (see drop down box) under "The First 24 Hours and Later" and "Allowing Grief to Happen to Heal." I wrote both of these with the confusion and pain of grief tied with the overwhelming desire to heal - in mind. They are based on my own experience with quotes from entries made on the site to validate this process called grief.
You may want to light a virtual candle in memory of your babies or include a verse or thought in our Memorial Garden. Doing special things for our babies often helps to ease our pain.
the baby i never knew 2004 for me started out bad i thought i was sick to my stomach i was vomiting and i had no appetite then findig out that i was pregnant was a shock i remember thinking wow theres someone inside me i was looking forward to being a mother but all of that changed on feb 20 at 11:30 when i was taking a bath and then i started bleeding eight hours later it was over i was the same 21 year old that i was before Marcia's comments: Jeannette, are you the same 21 year old as you were before? You have been through an experience that could make a difference in your life - in a positive way, if you let your baby's presence in your life become a meaningful presence. It is something to think about. It was an event worthy of writing a very touching verse. I found your words very exacting and full of feeling. I believe that we can use those experiences in our life to change us for the better (even if we feel good about ourselves) - if we make that choice. You were blessed with a new life and that life will always be part of who you are. Thank you so much for sharing your deepest thoughts. There are many stories about miscarriages on this site - many are very touching. Life, no matter how long, does touch us. Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts...take care.
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the baby i never knew
2004 for me started out bad i thought
i was sick to my stomach i was vomiting and i had no appetite
then findig out that i was pregnant was a shock i remember thinking wow theres
someone inside me i was looking forward to being a mother but all of that
changed on feb 20 at 11:30 when i was taking a bath and then i started bleeding
eight hours later it was over i was the same 21 year old that i was beforeJeannette
Marcia's comments: Jeannette, are you the same 21 year old as you were before?
You have been through an experience that could make a difference in your life - in a positive way, if you let your baby's presence in your life become a meaningful presence. It is something to think about. It was an event worthy of writing a very touching verse. I found your words very exacting and full of feeling. I believe that we can use those experiences in our life to change us for the better (even if we feel good about ourselves) - if we make that choice. You were blessed with a new life and that life will always be part of who you are. Thank you so much for sharing your deepest thoughts.
There are many stories about miscarriages on this site - many are very touching. Life, no matter how long, does touch us. Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts...take care.
I HAD A MISSED ABORTION OR MISCARRIAGE ON 7/13. THIS WAS ONE OF TWO MISCARRIAGES. THE FIRST PREGNANCY WAS (3) YEARS AGO ENDING IN A MISCARRIAGE AT 5 WEEKS. THIS PREGNANCY MADE IT AS FAR AS 8 WEEKS GESTATION. I AM AN OLDER POTENTIAL MOM AND WILL BE TRYING AGAIN.Rebecca
Rebecca, If you read this, please send me your email address...somehow it is not correct. I would like to respond to you and include your email in this message as you asked. Take care, Marcia
My husband and I recently lost our 3rd baby. Our 1st baby was an ectopic pregnancy growing in my left falopian tube. I had ruptured with a lot of pain that is why we went to the ER.
We got to see our baby for the first time (that we later named Trooper) on the sonogram, we saw his heartbeat. Then right after that I had to have emergency surgery to remove him. We were both devistated. It happend so fast, and I had never had surgery so I was scared. The dr. said I was lucky I came to the hospital when I did, if we would have waited I would be dead.
I didn't really care at the time. I wanted to die, because I didn't have our baby anymore. I lost part of my left tube and our baby.
My husband and I waited about a year before we tried again and it took us about a year to get pregnant. This time my dr. was monotering me in case it was ectopic again, and it was. I was about 5 weeks along and baby #2 (who we later named Hope Renatta Ward) was growing in my right tube. I had laproscopic surgery to remove her and my dr. was able to save my tube.
After loosing this baby my husband and I were not sure about what to do next. We had tests done (blood, hsg, sonograms of my tubes). We prayed alot and just asked God what to do next. My dr. and infertility dr's said our best bet would be ivf, but my husband and I felt that God just wanted us to put our faith and trust in him. So we decided to try naturally and let God be in control.
We got preg within 3 months and the baby was in my uterus!!! It was such a miricle, because of all the surgery's I had had and the state of my falopian tubes.
I was about 6 weeks along and I started having cramping and bleeding. I miscarried at home and took our baby to the er with us to confirm what we already knew. It was so sudden and heartbreaking.]
The tests they did on our baby said that something was chromosonally wrong, like down syndrome. My dr. said that miscarriage can happen when something is just not right, like down syndrome.
So now we are healing and getting ready to try again. We know that God is bigger than all that we are going through, and he already has our life planed out, so all we can really do is trust him and know that he cares about us and knows the desires of our heart.Kerry
After being diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and told that I will have trouble conceiving, I found out that I was pregnant April 2004. It was the happiest day of my life.
I went for my first ultrasound at 8 weeks and my baby was doing fine. My husband and I had decided that we didn't want to find out the sex of the baby until birth. The next four weeks following the ultrasound, I finished up my master's degree at school. When I took my final exam I drew strength from my baby to calm my nerves.
A week after I was done, I went in for my second pre-natal appointment to hear the baby's heartbeat. We had trouble hearing the heartbeat and my husband joked that the baby was hiding. The doctor decided to do an ultrasound. Later on my husband told me that he knew there was something wrong the moment he looked at the ultrasound, the previous time the doctor had pointed out the heartbeat and now he could tell it wasn't there.
The doctor told me that the baby had died at 8 and 1/2 weeks and that I was miscarrying. I went into shock, for I had no symptoms at all and all I knew and understood was that I will never be the same again. A part of me had died with the baby.
After waiting a week, a D&C was performed. Six weeks later the doctor called and told me that I had had a baby girl and she had Turner's syndrome.
It's been 8 weeks since the miscarriage and I struggle every day with it. I am shocked at how common it is and yet how no one ever wants to talk about it. I guess it is because it is so painful. I made a decision that I will talk about it, especially to other women going through it, because no one should have to feel as alone as I have felt sometimes.
We named our daughter Elizabeth Vaishnavi (Indian name as I am Indian and my husband is American). Although I know she is in a better place and where she is, she is perfect in every way, I still cry that I never even got to see her face. I hope I get to someday.
New baby for sister-in-law bring up "issues" for grieving parents. by Ambuja (8/23/04)
4/67 "New pregnancy and new worries..." by Ambuja (10/13/04)Ambuja
Marcia's comments: Yes, miscarriage is "common" - more common than we thought because more moms are "talking about their loss." It is through the sharing and the openness that more is being learned about miscarriage and pregnancy and newborn loss in general. Something we hide can't be learned about. The largest section of my website is the section on miscarriage. I have thought all along that is because it is "dismissed" by the hospital and doctors and parents are made to hide their pain. It is hard to discuss something when everyone around us acts like it was "nothing" to get upset about. On the site, it is "safe" to talk about it.
We talk about it on the site and in our groups. In my mind, any baby loss during pregnancy is the loss of our future child that would grow up in our homes and hearts. My two babies that I miscarried are an important part of who I am today as are my two living children and the son we lost at two days of age. No, I haven't participated in their growth, but I was excited about their presence in my life and grieved their early passing. They are members of our family and because I finally allowed them to be a part of 'who I am", I have a cherished memory of each of them.
Elizabeth will always be your child and her presence in your life can help you mold who you are just as living children do or other relationships do. It is your special way of being with Elizabeth that will determine how she influences you and your interactions with others and in your life in general. Our tragic loss of our baby can, with time and gradual healing, serve as a reason to support others so they will not be alone...as you have suggested in your letter.
I became pregnant with our 3rd child in January of 2000. We have already 2 beautiful boys and were thrilled to hear I was expecting again. I immediately went out and bought a baby book. We told the boys the good news and were just thrilled. My due date was November 16th, 2000.
I had absolutely NO problems with my previous pregnancies and didn't plan to have any this time...God had other plans.
I was approximately 8 1/2 weeks pregnant when I noticed I was bleeding and I had cramps. I never experienced this before so I knew something was going wrong. A mother just knows...so I went to visit my midwife and she said just give it a few days and hopefully it will stop. Well I gave it 2 days and during those 2 days I called my midwife a hundred times. She was getting angry with me...as if I was a burden to her!!!!
The dreaded day finally came...I went upstairs to the bathroom because I felt an urge to express something "down there". So as I walked into the bathroom, I pulled down my pants and laying in my panties was my baby. It didn't look like a baby but I knew if I went through it, I would eventually find something. Brokenhearted and horrified I screamed: "I lost our baby, I lost our baby!" My husband didn't know what to say.
I took the embryonic sac to my midwife and she conferred with another dr. that it was indeed, (an ambryonic sac) during the 1st trimester. I was so sad and disoriented. To make a long story short, I grieved harder and longer than I thought I would. A baby is a baby, no matter what age.
I couldn't believe that this happened to me. Someone without a history of problems...I guess it can happen to anyone. So I made a book about my unborn baby, not knowing if it was a boy or a girl. I did'nt care what it was I just wanted him or her to be here with me. I felt very angry and sad at the same time.
Months past and I was still grieving not knowing I was pregnant with our 4th child. I found out soon enough and was thrilled and scared at the same time. I didn't want anything to happen to this one either. And no I never went back to my midwife...I chose someone else with more compassion and heart for life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My due date was the exact same date as my miscarriage. I knew that was a sign that everything would be okay. I wound up having the baby girl I had always dreamed of...Haley Marie. She was born healthy and happy.
The point to my story is that I lost my baby and was very sad, yet God sent another one down here for me and she is wonderful. Someday I will know my 3rd child. In memory of you my 3rd baby...3/25/00 Thanks for listening. AndreaAndrea
My water broke last week. I entered the hospital and was given intravenous fluids overnight. I delivered him at 1 pm the next day.
He was perfect. He was 20 weeks and the cause unknown. Going in for a mri next week with a suspected bicornuate uterus. This is my second loss this year.
The first baby was blighted ovum in January. devistated. I saw him on ultrasound only 3 hours before delivery. He was moving around and kicking. took me until the next morning to be able to look at him. really wish that i hadn't. can't get the thought of his little face out of my mind every time i close my eyes. i feel numb. taking lexapro again. took it after the first loss. suffering from post tramatic stress disorder. helps take the edge off. i've recieved so many floral arrangements that i find the smell of flowers depressing.
I want to try one more time. I would have stayed in bed for the next four months if I hadn't delivered him.
I don't want to give up. I'm so afraid that this will happen again. (or another blighted ovum). I am prepared to go into surgery or whatever it takes. I feel so bad for my husband. He has been so strong during this whole ordeal. I know that this is very important to him too.
Thank you for your email. My husband and I are doing little things to remember Daniel. I ordered a Victorian Birth Certificate and had it framed. (The hospital was not allowed to issue a birth certificate because he was only 20 weeks.) Also, I had a pendant ordered with his name and birth date. We have decided that if we can have children in the future, we will tell them that they once had an older brother. When we speak of him, we use his name. We went to the fair last night. My husband wanted to leave early because there were "too many babies". It's going to be a long road. I've read everything on the website, and it really does help. Thank you for your support.
Marcia's thoughts: Both of our living children are "subsequent children" and they know about their 'older' siblings. They know that I feel that all of my children are significant and helped to make me 'who I am today.' I can't imagine not having the two children I have today...but the pain of the three I loss seared my heart for a long time. Our living children are the joy of our family and our three in heaven will never be forgotten or taken for granted.
In our group, we talk about Relationships, which includes almost every interaction that we make with others, and even going to a fair or grocery store is hard for a very long time after our loss. Every one is either pregnant or just had a baby. It is very difficult to face when our pain is so intense. It is a normal response, that many people who have never experienced a loss do not understand.
Doing special things for our babies is key to healing. When we do these things we make our baby very real to us and sometimes to those who are close to us. We also build our memory bank and make our babies safe within our hearts and homes. Gradually we heal as we know that we will never forget our child and we have had time (and can have time whenever we wish) to be with our baby as we do special things in his or her memory. I love the things you have done for Daniel. Where did you buy the Victorian Birth Certificate?
I went onto the net and entered "Victorian Birth Certificate". There were several sites and there are many that offer to fill them in with calligraphy. My aunt filled in ours. I have it over this desk where I can see it every day.KIMBERLY
How can I move forward?
How can I move forward, when life for you has ended? How can I go on, when you are no longer here? How can I be happy, when you are not here to share in it? How can I go on, when all I want to do is go back to when you were safe inside me?
I don't even know where to begin?
My son was born at 18 weeks as a result of an infection inside the embryonic sac. I had complications all through my pregnancy, but it didn't make it any easier. I tried not to get attached or excited, because of all the complications, but after hearing the heartbeat and feeling the first flutter of movement inside me, how could I not get excited and attached to someone my fiance and I had created.
The hardest two days of my life were the two days that I was in labor. It started as small hardenings of my belly and then turned into full blown labor at about midnight of the first day. I did not get any sleep that night. The next morning I went in to see the doctor, and he had me hooked up to a fetal monitor at the hospital. I layed in the hospital all day feeling it get worse and worse, knowing what was happening and watching the nurses do everything they could to stop it, but it was all for nothing.
A little after midnight, my water broke and shortly afterward, William Keith Shenton was brought into this world. He never got to take a breath, or see the world around him.
I don't blame the doctor, or the nurses, but I don't know where to place this huge weight I have on my shoulders. I feel like my world has fallen apart even more than it already had prior to William being born or even concieved.
My parents decided two years ago to divorce after 32 years of marriage and the stress that caused me has put my job and even my life at risk several times. I have had a difficult time coping with all that the divorce has brought me and now I have lost the one light that I had.
I just don't know where to turn. I write in a journal, but it doesn't seem to help. All I do is cry when I read what I have written. I have tried concentrating on my work, but since I am around children all day, that is also difficult.
I feel weird because if I see a new baby out, I break down in tears. I just don't know how to move forward with my life.... if anyone has any advice, please let me know. Thank you!Amy
Marcia's thoughts: First, please read my comments to Crystal whose story is on the page about the grieving process...
"How do I move forward?" by Crystal (9/8/04) GA
I am sorry about the compounded loss of your baby after the loss of your parents marriage and your "family" as you knew it. That must be very hard to deal with.
Your feelings around the loss of William are very normal. There is an entire section on Grieving and Healing on this website and much of what you have described is there. There also is a large section on Miscarriage Experiences under Email Exchange/Our Experience, Miscarriage. There, too you will see that your feelings are inline with other moms who have experienced the loss of their baby. It helps, some what, to know that our reactions are within the range of "normal" and that we are not going crazy with them. You are doing some good things with writing in your journal and sharing about your loss. You might not want to go back and read your journal so soon. It might be that you need to walk further down your path...though crying is often a "positive" coping mechanism.
We learn that grieving is a process..not an overnight event. It takes work and doing things in memory of our baby to heal. As I often share, our child would want us to heal...to honor them by making their presence meaningful is important. No child would want his/her parent to remain sad because of them. Yes, we need to give ourselves "permission to grieve" (as you are doing) and find ways to honor our baby's memory. Grief is "doable" if hard. If it becomes too hard, there are excellent counselors or pastors who can often get us through some difficult times. Even going to talk with someone like that one time can often give us unexpected support. Especially when there has been numerous grief situations in our lives. Together we support one another through this process.
On June 23rd I was delighted to be holding a postive pregnancy test. Our son, Jack, was about to turn 3 in September. I'd wanted my children a little closer than 5 years apart, and they were going to be 3 and a half years apart :D I was happy, happy that I'd have more time with just me and Jack, and happy that I'd have time with both of them I didn't want Jack to be old enough for school just as the new baby was born, I didn't want him to feel cast aside!
I told my husband later that evening, and we called a few friends. We weren't ready to tell family yet, because my mother doesn't think I should have any more children. We also told Jack. A few days later I stopped at my mom's office with my son, who proudly boasted "I'M A BIG BROTHER GAMMA!!" The negative comments began.
On July 20th I had my first OB appointment, it was a new office, one I hadn't been to before, so when I was directed to the ultrasound room I was suprised. The ultrasound showed a yolk sac, and possibly a fetal pole. The midwife checked my dates again and asked if it was possible that I was only 5 weeks along, not 7 almost 8. I told her no, I was very sure of dates. She sent me to the lab and scheduled another ultrasound for 3 days from then.
So I had my hormone levels tested that day (Monday) and again 2 days later. Then the 2nd ultrasound. This time I took my doula with me, my husband couldn't get out of work. We saw almost the same thing, except this time, inside the sac there was something moving around, and what looked like a tiny little heart beating. I was happy there was growth, and much less conserned. My midwife consulted with the OB and they had me come back in 1 week to measure growth,a s it should be considerable in that stage of pregnancy.
So, I told me husband, and he immediatly called his boss for the time off. On August 2, 2004 I went for my 3rd ultrasound. What we saw was devistating. The sac, the tiny baby, and what we'd thought the week before to be her heart...still. She had died.
We were told our options, and I opted for another hormone level, and to just allow things to happen naturally. My hormones had decreased by more than half, and the bleeding began on August 4th, around 11 AM. Our baby was born around 8 pm, in her sac, and layed to rest.
Later that night after my husband had fallen asleep I began to hemmorage, and we went to the ER. They let me know that the uterus was empty, and with just a little pressure the bleeding should slow considerably. They sent me home in more physcial pain than it took to birth my son, and feeling more empty than ever before.
With no support information, and nothing to dull the pain. I came home, and went to bed, my husband left for work. Earlier that day I had been contacted by someone at SHARE Atlanta. I had found the information online the day before. The women I spoke with gave me great comfort in knowing that I wasn't alone, and there were others who understood my pain. I was invited to a meeting, which was to be held the following week.
At this meeting I met 4 wonderful women, with heartbreaking stories, who accepted me into the group with hugs and tears. I left that meeting with a sense of relief, that I didn't have to do this alone. My husband is greiving too, but he doesn't understand how I feel, nor do I understand how he feels.
We've decided that our loss was a girl because he, my husband had been having visions of a little blonde haired girl in a purple dress 'spinning' and calling for 'daddy'. We named her Halia, which means "loved one remembered" in Hawaiian.Amanda
I was 13 weeks pregnant. My fiance is in the army and can't go to my appointments with me usually so I was taking my 4 year old son. He went to see the ultrasounds and then when my appt came at 13 weeks he was going with me to hear the babies heartbeat. I was so excited the morning was going so well. I went to the doctor, my son went also, and I gained only one pound. I thought "oh yeah" that was my goal for the month and I did it.
Then we went in, the nurse tried the doppler twice. I didnt get upset because I know sometimes its hard to find. The doctor came in and said since the nurse couldn't find it he wanted to do an ultrasound. He stuck it on my tummy and found the baby. I could see, and I didn't see a hearbeat, just my baby not moving.
He asked my 4 year old to turn the light off so he could see better. He still didn't see anything. A cold feeling went through my body and I started to shake. I knew at that point I had lost my baby. This was to be my third baby but my fiance's first.
The Dr. did a vaginal ultrasound and looked at me and tried to explain that the baby looked as though it had just quit developing and he didn't and prob would never know why. I was devestated.
I took my 4 yr old to the hospital and we did the PAT registering and I cried. We came home and I had to explain it to my children, my fiance, and my family.
I was a mess the next day when I had to go in for the D&C. I feel so lost and that was 5 day ago. I feel pregnant still and I feel lost. I know I am suppose to be enjoying the flutters of the baby soon and finding out if its a boy or a girl and I dont get to do all that now.
My fiance has been so spportive and wonderful. The hospital and my doctor also have been wonderful.
I just cant seem to get over it and I feel like people think I am over sensitive because I know I didn't have the baby, but it was part of me and I knew that child for 13 weeks.
I am truly sorry for anyone who goes through this and I have pity on those who don't understand your loss because children who aren't given the chance to be born are still angels and still a part of our lives.
Memorial Candle for MarissaMarissa Renee
Marcia's thoughts: Please read more about miscarriages on our website. We have "known" our child since we played mommy and daddy as children. For many of us, we anticpate his/her birth as soon as we find out that we are going to have a baby or as soon as we start to plan for one. The largest section of this website are the stories and thoughts from those who have experienced a miscarriage. Could it be because moms feel safe to share here because the larger world dismisses this type of loss? The more we discuss our miscarriages the more we understand that what the March of Dimes projects as the number - as being possibly half of pregnancies are lost to miscarriage - could be a truth. When this number becomes a truth, then doctors will not be able to dismiss all of our losses due to "miscarriage." AND, causes will be found. Please know we are thinking of you.
I am in my mid 30's and have never been pregnant. I have always wanted children from a very young age. I always thought that it is a miracle to be able to create and grow a life in our bodies. I couldn't wait to experience this wonderful miracle. I found out that I wasn't able to get pregnant the normal easy way, due to antibodies and my husband had a vasectomy 15+ years ago. So our only chance was to do IVF. And as everyone knows this is an expensive procedure. It took lots of talking, crying and thoughts of leaving my husband and doing this on my own before he would try this option.
Well we went through it all and got pregnant the 1st and only time we could do this procedure due to the financial side of IVF. I was SO excited!! I found out at work and called my husband with tears of JOY. We had alot of support from family and friends. So I was on the phone or computer and didn't get a bit of work done.
A couple of weeks later we went for our first ultrasound and heard the heartbeat. This was a wonderful sound. Here I was pregnant for the first time in my life. For years I had accumulated so much baby stuff. We were ready!
On November 15th 2004 I went in for another ultrasound. I was one day shy of 9 weeks along and we had no heart beat. I was told I had a missed abortion. I was devastated!
At this time my Mother was in the hospital and just got out of ICU. I was scared that the stress of what was happening with my Mother was the cause. I was told this was a chromosomal or genetic. I was still unable to go see my Mother and she was put back into ICU that following morning. I didn’t want her to think this was stress caused by her being ill. I missed a couple of days until I was ready to see her and tell her about the baby. I had a D&C on that Friday and my Mother passed away not even 12 hours later.Lisa
Marcia's thoughts: Lisa, you have suffered greatly in such a short period of time. Your grief must be very difficult to face. I hope that you will allow it to come, though, and work through it so you can gather some peace. There are several in our group that have had similar experiences...so much loss in such a short time. I understand, too, that you have the loss of the important and what might be the only opportunity for a baby with special intervention. Please talk with your doctor to make sure that this is the case..sometimes there are answers we are not aware of. My thoughts are with you...
You may want to light a virtual candle in memory of your baby or include a verse or thought in our Memorial Garden. Doing special things for our baby often helps to ease our pain. We also encourage parents to name their baby..no manner how far along in your pregnancy you are. This is your baby and it is special to give your child a special name. There is more about naming our babies under Coping Ideas. Certainly, not everyone chooses to name their child, but know that it is often comforting...especially for the mom. This baby was your little miracle, and his/her presence will always be part of your life.
I have been married to my DH since Nov of 2002. We had decided to wait a year after we got married to start trying to get pg, I have a step daughter and we thought it would be best to adjust to family life before trying to complicate it.
Well from Dec of 2003 to April of 2004 we took the laid back approach to trying to get PG, we just had fun Some where in that time I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I knew I had had it in the past but had stopped taking meds for it. I didn’t know at the time that this can cause infertility. Well shortly after starting meds we got pg.
The first HPT I took came up weird, it was neg. but then turned pos. after about 7 mins…..I retested the next morning to find the same thing. So I went to my DR 3 days later, it was over memorial day weekend so they weren’t open on Monday.
Funny thing the urine test came out the same way at the dr and the nurse told me I wasn’t pg. My Dr knew we had been trying for a while so she went ahead and did a blood test to be sure. It was pos. Well I went on about life for a very short 4 days. While I was at work (I work in a retail store and am on my feet 10hrs a day) I started to spot. I freaked out and called my OB and was told “don’t worry about it”.
Still feeling parinoid I called my regular Dr and she told me to come on in. They ran a blood test and my levels were still going way up so she said to go home and rest. I spotted for the rest of the day and then that evening, in the middle of my step daughter’s 13th birthday party, I started bleeding really badly.
I called my OB’s emergency number to be told that there was nothing they could do for me. So I just dealt with it the best I could. Just when I thought I was getting my life back to normal SURPRISE I was pregnant again!!!!
This time everything seemed SOOO normal. No bleeding no cramping and I was enjoying every minute of my pregnancy symptoms.
I had my 1st OB appointment on Aug 30th. They brought me in and took down all my info, I had only been to this OB once before. They didn’t run any blood test or anything. The Dr started to perform an internal ultrasound and at first everything seemed fine, she said the baby measured 9w (which was big because I was 8w4d) then she hesitated and said she couldn’t see/hear the heartbeat.
She left the room and my heart sank, she came back with the other OB of the office and the nurse, who both confirmed that there was no heart beat. They sent me directly to the hospital where we learned that my white blood cell count was extremely high…..I had been sick the whole week before the appointment and been getting mixed messages about what meds I should and shouldn’t take.
I have asthma and when I get infections it causes me to have attacks and I cant breathe. My reg dr told me to take my breathing treatments but the OB’s nurse told me not to, then after the fact the OB told me I should have been taking them.
They admitted me into the hospital to perform the D&C. It was a very tramatic experience due to Dr complications and the fact that when they gave me the anesthesia my blood pressure and respiration dropped drastically.
Once all of this was over with and I went to my post op appointment 6 weeks after my D&C, I was told that my baby had a chromosomal abnormality, which was non-genetic (doesn’t reoccur). I was very relieved with this news but when I asked the OB what we were going to do in the future to prevent another m/c she said “nothing.” That they don’t run test until after a woman had had 3!!! This was the last straw.
I made an appointment with a new OB, who was referred to me by the post op nurse after my D&C. I saw her on Nov 4th and she ran 14 or so different blood tests…..she spent almost 2 hrs with me taking med history and talking about the different possibilities of problems. See I am adopted and have no medical history for my birth family.
I got all my blood results back and it turns out that I have some type of blood clotting disorder (my blood is too thick). So I have started taking baby asprin and the new OB is going to run some other tests as soon as I get pregnant again.
I have been in a online support group since my second miscarriage and learned about SHARE through them. I would love to help and support this orginization, it's been just what I have been looking for. I celebrated my second child's e.d.d. on April 7th and at this time named her Grace Anne. Thank you for reading and listening. All my love and prayers, ChristyChristy
Marcia's thoughts: At SHARE Atlanta, we encourage parents to not wait for the "3" number to seek medical support. In doing so, many loose three children. Often what you have found to be true happens...there is a reason. As long as we do not encourage medical intervention until after the 3rd loss, doctors will believe that this is standard and an okay practice. Well, every loss is a loss of a child and causes great grief. Often, there are reasons (like the anti-body factor that you found) and with assistance we do not have to loose another baby.
It is in the asking, the encouragement we seek from the medical world that we will help them to understand that it is important for them to look for answers. The March of Dimes is one organization that is encouraging the medical community to seek answers and to provide intervention to stop losses. It will only happen if PARENTS "push the envelope." Where there is no encouragment, there will be no research, no support of good doctors like (Dr. Beer in Chicago with anti-body factor; Dr. Collins with cord accidents and local doctors who are working very hard to help parents have healthy babies.
Christy, thank you for the kind words of support for our organization and please thank your wonderful doctor for supporting you and helping you to support a subsequent pregnant with medical care and doctor support.
I don't exactly know where to begin. I didn't even know where my story should go but as I sit here and think of my little angel I realize I need to let it pour out of my how much he meant to me.
I am so filled with grief that I don't know how to express it. I can't sleep, I can't eat and I can't cry enough tears. All the days seem to blurr into one. I loose count of what day of the week it is. To say this grief has bought me to my knees is an understatement.
I figured I might be able to look online and find some help and a precious way to remember him besides in my heart. After looking for hours I was blessed to come across this website.
The way it is set up is so beautiful and informative and it really does make your heart happy. I love the gentle listening section for songs and when I saw you could have a brick to lay on a beautiful path with your child's name I just felt like this is the perfect way to remember my precious little baby.
To say the least this pregnancy was going well. I had no idea anything was wrong and then he was just gone at 13 weeks.
I still think I'm dreaming. Sometimes I would talk to him evey night and sing songs to him. He was so much a part of my family already. I miss him so much - my arms ache for him. Thank you so much for this site.Ila
Marcia's thoughts: Miscarriage is so misunderstood and unsupported. This site has more letters from those moms who have experienced miscarriage than any other loss. I believe it is because here we can share...it is safe and no one will judge that we "didn't know our baby enough to grieve his/her passing." Our children are real from the beginning - as is our grief. Each parent, mother and/or father, needs permission and a safe haven to grieve. Thank you for you kind words about this site. They mean much to me and to those parents who volunteer with SHARE Atlanta. Together we work to grieve and to heal.
I can't believe I now have to say that I have more miscarriges than live births. My first was born in 1997, I was young and naive and thought pregnancy just "happened" and that it took care of itself. He is a happy, healthy 7 year old now. My second was born in 1999. I was still naive... even when he was diagnosed with autism when he was 16 months old. I remember thanking God that it wasn't serious. How silly I feel now.
My third was a miscarrige at 8 weeks. I was shocked that this could happen and went a little crazy for a while. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after my son's diagnosis and my husband's mother passed away. He deployed to the middle east 6 weeks later; gone for 6 months.
My fourth was a miscarrige while visiting my family in Alaska. I was 9 weeks, and never more embarassed in my life. I could not stand all the pity and it made things worse... I think my heart began to harden because I know they all meant well but it made things worse. I just wanted to go home, but couldn't fly because of the bleeding.
My fifth is taking place right now, I am 9 weeks... or should I say I was 9 weeks. I have not cried, maybe I am believing the rhetoric that the baby is too young to be attached to yet.
I am sad, and reading all these postings seems to be cracking this shell on my heart. Yep, I am afraid to feel an emotion because I feel robbed of so much. I want a large family. I want healthy children and I am envious of those who are blessed with that gift and don't even know how special it is.
I did not tell anyone I was pregnant except my husband. I want more children but it seems like it is not for me. Autism is hard, and the losses are hard. I think I will adopt.Miscarriage
Jenifer, Ashamed, out of place, scared, confused, angry...all are emotional outcomes of what you have been through. As you share, the other posts say similar things and need similar support. Women who have miscarriages are often very quickly dismissed (read some of my other comments on this page) and it is through our being advocates for our own health and the health of these babies (yes, they are real...that is why we grieve) that we begin to turn the medical world and society in general around to understanding the significance of these children and our grief. Then, future mothers and parents will not be embarrassed to express their grief or to receive help or support. I have seen it for years...we are better today about miscarriage but we have a long ways to go.
Please be gentle with yourself..allow your grief to come. Consider naming your babies or doing something in their memory. (See Coping Ideas for ideas.) They are your children. I have five children...3 in heaven and 2 on this earth. All five have helped to make me who I am today and all five are very special children.
I recently has a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I am very upset and it seems that society tells me i shouldn't be. I have been looking for a support group to attend but i wonder if i would fit in there. GwenGwen
Marcia's Comments: Please read some of what is on this page. Your thoughts and the comments you have heard from "society" is why we have an uphill battle in giving ourselves "permission to grieve in order to heal." It is also why we are so fearful of actually acknowledging and expressing our pain and seeking the proper medical support after a loss...especially a miscarriage. All you are feeling is normal and wanting support and seeking it is a very positive direction to steer yourself.
SHARE Atlanta is absolutely the "right" place for you. We are here for anyone who wishes to heal after a miscarriage, ectopic loss or any other type of loss of a baby during pregnancy or right after birth (up until a baby is two months old...then parents usually have other issues and need other types of support and other groups.)
Please send us your address and we will send you a Parent Packet with all sorts of information about SHARE Atlanta and our programs of support. Sometimes just knowing that we are here...is very helpful for parents.
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