I don't know where else to turn. It seems as though my life has spiraled out of control since my baby was stillborn 8 weeks ago today. I have, since then, suffered the loss of both of my cats.

This past Sunday, I began bleeding so heavily while singing in the choir at my church, that because of the amount of blood all over the floor, I thought that I was hemorrhaging. I have since learned that I have retained products left from the delivery and I have to have an emergency d & c tomorrow. It's as though I'm reliving the horror of the labor and delivery of my baby all over again. More than anything, I worry that this is never going to end.

Just when I think I've moved forward 3 steps, something comes and knocks me back 10 steps and I am worse off than before. I've grown tired of the platitudes and the looks of pity. I'm tired of people avoiding the subject entirely. While I appreciate that some are trying to protect me, I feel as though I am in this alone. I don't want to hear how strong I am or how MY pregnancy wasn't meant to be. It's as though people are telling me I wasn't worthy of having a baby. I am very fortunate to have a tremendous amount of support from my family and friends. However, I just can't help but feel almost angry...like how dare them try and console me and not have a clue what a living hell I am in. Then I feel awful for being so insensitive to how difficult this is for them too.

I suppose my question is this: Is it time to get myself checked in to the nearest mental hospital?

I appreciate the opportunity to just vent here. This is the safest, most comforting place I know. For all of you, I am forever grateful. Peace, Mary

My name is Jennifer Curles. I'm 29 years old. On December 1, 2003, I went into preterm labor at 21 weeks with twins. On December 4, 2003, I gave birth to Kaitlin and Braxton. We had their funeral on December 6, 2003. This was my first pregnancy and me and my husband were devastated.

My family has been very supportive, but they don't know how I feel. I still don't know why this has happened or how this could have happened. It has been a very difficult time for the both of us.

For the last five months, we planned for the arrival of the twins daily - now we are not sure what to plan for. I would really like to talk to someone who has had a similiar experience.

15 weeks April 4th, 2005, the shock of my life, I found out that I was pregnant. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would or could happen.

I am 34 years old, I have 2 other children, they are 15 and 5 years old. With both of my boys I had to be under the care of a reproductive endocrinologist. I took medications, they ran tests, and I worried! I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and Hypothyroidism. My cycles have NEVER, been normal, I have never used birth control, my doctors said that I would probably never conceive on my own. William blew me away.

I knew he was a boy, from day one. I love little boys, all of my friends said this was a girl, I would just smile. I picked his name out on the day I found out, my husband just smiled. He is much more reserved than I am. He is the mature one! I was ready to go crazy, go shopping, look for a bigger house..... the whole nine yards.

Then my joy faded, I just didn't feel as well as last time. I was nauseated much more, and I would get terrible pain in my lower belly whenever I stood up. I wanted to sleep! I would 8-5 and by 1:00, I needed a nap. This was not normal for me.

Then June 1st arrived, I head his very strong heartbeat, I felt at ease again. I was so ready for this, I was 14 weeks. I had planned out my maternity leave and contacted sitters to help care for him.

Then Tuesday June 7th changed it all. I came home from work for lunch, I felt fine. I went to the bathroom, and Will was coming, ready or not. I had no pain, no contractions. I felt fine.

My husband rushed home and took me to the hospital. At 2:04, he made his way into this world, all 2.4 ozs and 12 inches of him. I was afraid to look, I knew what he would look like, but I did.

We held his tiny perfect little body, so small, so fragile. I was ready to just die. Then the doctors informed me that we would have to go down to sugery, the placenta would not release and I was bleeding. The doctor told my husband that it would be 15-30 minutes and I would be out.

Well 3 hours later, they were finished. Apparently I almost bled to death. They gave me 2 units of blood and several medications to stop the hemorrhaging. My hematocrit dropped form 12, down to 6. My doctor told us that I was half a minute away from a hysterectomy. I almost did die.

She also added that I should never get pregnant again. I have to say that, the care and compassion that she showed me, her level of knowledge and her effort amazed me. I would find it hard to trust anyone more than her, with my health, other than God. She said this was her first experience with someone hemorrhaging like this at 15 weeks, I can’t find any information on this and I need some help.

The doctor has recently said that she would take care of me if I did become pregnant again. I am afraid, afraid of losing another precious baby and afraid of my boys losing their Mom.

Sofia L.R. Mithani Jan 23rd, 2004 Precious Mithani May 27th, 2004 - Both dearly missed by our family and always remembered.

With my dear Sofia, all looked well I have 3 other children and nothing to worry about my Dr. even told me I was good at making babies. I noticed she was not moving much so went to the Dr.s and they did a nonstress test. Well, that was not very good so they sent me to get a biophysical profile ultrasound. They said it was perfect. Well I just was not convinced.

But my Dr. reassured me that I was being paranoid and that Sofia was perfect. That sometimes babies just look that way for no reason on the strip and everything was fine now. My Mom who is usually very perceptive on my health and well-being even told me everything was fine. So I made the biggest mistake of my life and ignored my gut feeling and 2 weeks later Sofia was gone!

I wish I could go back in time. I would have made a big stink and made them monitor her every single day. I have alot of regrets.

After Sofia I was determined to become pregnant again and nothing was going to stop me- not even my husband who was totally against the idea. He thought we needed to forget about having another one despite how I felt. I now understand his feelings, but I still don't agree with them.

Well, I found out I was prego with Precious and it totally consumed me. I actually felt happy for part of the day - that was a miracle considering my loss of Sofia.

Well, things started off just fine. The Dr. told me that loosing Sofia was like a very rare thing and did not expect it to happen again to me. He got a heartbeat!! It was 150bpm. I knew it was a girl.

Then he set up my first ultrasound I could not wait for it. It was at 14 weeks and that was the day that we found out our Precious was gone. I remember going into the room where they do the ultrasounds and I saw her little face. They could not tell if she was male or female yet but I just knew by her face!

Well I got an ery feeling from the tech but ignored it. I just went on and on how happy we were about Precious and the horrible loss of Sofia. Well, the tech did not even give us a hint something was wrong.

About an hour after I went home from the visit they called me to come in. I was totally thrown off guard by that and asked them what for? They replied the Dr. needs to speak with you and we are not allowed to give out any details why. I tried pressing and telling them if something were wrong but they kept to their guns.

So I went in by myself not expecting to be told what they were about to tell me. The Dr. came in and sat down and had a sad look on his face and tears in his eyes and he did not even have to say a word. I knew then.

I broke down and I think half of whatever life I had left in me after losing Sofia was gone now too. I think I just melted down.

They had the staff call my husband and my mom and sisters showed up to give me support. I was going from instant breakdown to total denial and there must be something wrong with the machines.

So they did around 3 ultrasounds to prove to me that it really was true. They also gave me Zoloft to take home. Unbelievable, I still say it.

Well, I decided to carry Precious for 1 week knowing she was gone inside of me but I almost could not let them take her from me. I wanted to go with her. I still felt connected like I was still nurturing her in someway.

Eventually the day came to say Goodbye and I was not ready. I was so close to canceling the whole process but other factors influenced me for going thru with it.

So we said goodbye and I found out that same exact day that my best friend was pregnant with a baby girl. I knew it. I thought it was unfair but wished her well.

I think I walked around in a cloud until recently. I just could not stand the empty feeling in my arms. I craved to hold my babies and smell them and take care of them. I searched and searched on when I would be fertile again and planned accordingly.

Well I got one of my wishes I became prego again!! This time we took all the tests to find out if something was wrong and all came back within normal limits. I had to take a baby aspirin daily and folic acid. I was willing to do anything and everything to help this baby survive.

Well we went through so many nonstress tests daily and biophysical ultrasounds and all showed HE was well. Everything looked great!

Then I started to spot around 27 weeks and went into the hospital to be examined. They said everything was good. No problems but come back if you are not feeling better or convinced. Well I felt ok and I had bought a baby doppler early in the pregancy to monitor the baby's heartbeat at home. Thank God for that one. It really gave me peace of mind.

I had constantly been having braxton-hicks and thought this one might be fast. I did have a c-section planned so we did an amnio and it was bloody and the results were contaminated so they canceled that date of c-section and that was 2 weeks prior to my water breaking.

The day Sean was born. That morning of June 2nd, 2005 my contractions started around 6am and were getting stronger and a little painful plus I was nauseated and feeling like this is it! I had an ultrasound scheduled for that morning at 8am and juggled in my mind which one should I go to first, the ultrasound or the labor and delivery room? I chose labor and delivery thank God for that.

I was in there on the monitor to see how strong my labor was and I was really feeling sick so I got up and puked standing up in a large trash bin in the room and low and behold my water broke while I was puking. At first, I just felt something come out like a liquid and then I looked down it looked like blood just blood no water. I was in a panic and almost could not speak. I kept pressing the call button but it would not work and then finally it worked I was crying I demanded them to save my baby.

They told me to relax and put me back on monitors and said baby is fine but you will have your c-section in 1 hour. I said 1 hour? Yes, they said. I had to call everyone. And everyone showed up.

Well, Sean had to be resesitated and had an apgar of 1 for 2 min and then went to a 9. All I could do was thank God for him. I told the Dr. he saved my baby by acting so fast.

And now Sean is here and I am happy for that, but he does not replace Sofia or Precious. I still have that emptiness inside but also have Love and happiness for my other children that are here with me.

But nothing can fill that void ever.

Thanks for letting me share my story with you. I would have included more details but did not want to write a book so I only wrote half of a book.

I also want to mention my Sisters loss of her first baby. She was 5 months pregnant when she found out and this happened in August 2005. Our family has suffered too many losses and I pray for all who has to go thru this torment and tragedy. God Bless to all.

On October 30th of this year my precious son was stillborn. I can't wrap my head around these past two months. It's like this is just some horrible nightmare and any moment I am going to wake up and feel my son kicking in my stomach.

I guess my story begins around this time last year. I remember coming home from my annual ob/gyn check up and letting my husband know that I wanted to have a baby. After he gave me a list of practical reasons why we should wait he folded and I set my course for 2005 on becoming a mother.

It wasn't until August that my girlfriends urged me to take a pregnancy test because they were sure I was pregnant (I took 5) Everyone came back positive! I ran down stairs and told my husband who just laughed and said, “I know”. I dubbed my little gift my Almond Cub not wanting to say he/she for 9 months.

My doctor said I should expect my little one sometime around April 2nd. Everything was going according to plan. I was sick for the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy but even that brought me joy because my little one was real not just a dream anymore. My doctor assured me I was healthy and so was the baby.

I heard my Child's heartbeat for the first time on my birthday. It was the prettiest sound I've ever heard. I discovered that if I played Jazz I could get AC to kick and he would move to the sound of my husbands' voice. It was amazing.

Then on October 29th everything changed. My doctor had sent me home on bed rest the day before because I had some discharge. He told me it was nothing but just go home and relax he'd see me on Monday.

So on Saturday I thought nothing when I went to use the restroom for what seemed like the millionth time. Wrong, my water broke. After 8 hours in the emergency room, they finally told my husband and I the baby was gone.

Around midnight my labor was induced and 10 hours later little Nathaniel was born, a boy.

Even after knowing he was gone I still expected to hear his cry, is that weird? Maybe it was just hope that one of those biblical miracles would take place.

I held my tiny son in my arms told him how much I loved him that I would never forget. This summer I was just a girl with a dream and a wish. Now, I am a mother with a dead son and only footprints, pictures and an urn to remember him by.

Though countless people keep telling me I'll have more children, I know in my heart even if that's true they well never be nor replace my little Nathaniel. My little Almond Cub.

I found out I was pregnant in 10/6/05, about two weeks after conceiving. I was so happy and so nervous, being that this was my first pregnancy.

I started bleeding the day after my pregnancy was confirmed. I went to the doctor and was told that some women carry to term with interuteral bleeding and some don't.

From then on my pregnancy was filled with anxiety; I had very little room for joy, but I so wanted my baby. However, I was afraid to let myself hope. I miscarried on 12/29/05. I was 17 weeks. Although I knew all along that it was a possibility, it was still devastating.

I saw my baby for a split second. He/she looked like a teeny, tiny baby. Although I had tentative names for the baby: Eason Giovanni for a boy and Syler Reina for a girl, I now call my baby Angel. My boyfriend is from Mexico and I was born in the United States. Angel is a boy's name in Latin America and a girl's name in the states. So, along with the fact that my baby now is a true angel, the name seems fitting. Although many people might think it strange to name the baby after it is gone, I know some of the people who have gone through this will understand.

I am 36 years old, and very afraid that I will not be given another little miracle, so I ask anyone who reads this, if they are so inclined, to say a little prayer for me. For although my Angel will never be forgotten, I now so desperatly want a baby.