"Healing and our memorial brick garden" by Debbie (10/04) GA
I just wanted to give you an update on how things stand with me. I have read and reread your answers and they helped me so much. I have also done alot of praying for healing and some answers and guidance.
Before the SHARE Atlanta meeting that I went to in July, I asked my husband to take me to see Babyland at Arlington. I didn't think it would be hard for me since I thought I only wanted to have a visual in my mind if it came up at the meeting. ( Being a former teacher, I like visuals!) I was surprized at how hard it was for me. I didn't think that I would feel the need to go back there again, but a week later, I asked Joe to take me there again and to go a way that I would be able to figure out since I am not familar with that part of town. Again, I cried because it was so hard. But, I knew that it was a good cry.
Yesterday, I got up and told Joe that I just needed to go back to the cemetary for a while. I took my journal and wrote a couple pages about how I was feeling and praying for some healing.
When I began to read about SHARE Atlanta, I told myself that I didn't feel a need to put a name to my babies and even asked you about that. I also didn't think it was important or necessary to have a brick.
But......I went back to Arlington today with journal in hand. I sat down again on the brick wall and started to journal. I was surprized that I wrote non stop for over an hour since I am definately NOT a writer, but it was so good. As I gazed up at that angel of hope, I knew that God was answering a prayer.
I felt so much peace about everything, knew for the first time in 12 years that my babies were safe with Him and had my mother in law to watch over them. I knew that I needed to give each and every one of those precious children a name. In my heart, I always felt like they were all girls, maybe because the only ones I successfully carried were boys, I just don't know where that feeling is coming from. I only have a definite knowledge about the last one.
I have also decided that the closure I need will be in a brick (or six) because that will give me a place to go and grieve, somewhere to put flowers and remember their significance in my life. It is a way to honor them and to let the world (if you will) know that these children were very important to me.
As I drove into the cemetary today and I looked around, it was so clear what I needed to do. I have no place that I can go and put flowers because there is no tangible evidence of my babies anywhere. I have no mementos and that is the hardest. So, the bricks were the answer. I am so thankful that SHARE Atlanta offers that to people like us.
I also decided on the way home that in order to name these children, I would like their names to reflect the women that were and are still important in our lives. Joe's mom passed away two years ago and was a gem. So, I was thinking that Joe could name one of the babies using her two initials (OB) first an middle name after Olga Bader and one after my Grandmother that passed away at 96 last year (so use GG) for first and middle name (initials) and so forth and so on.
I still plan on coming to the meetin in August, but wanted to share in the fact that after 12 long and painful years, I am starting to feel some healing. I appreciate all your kind words and your thoughtful response to my many many questions as I try to progress along this path of grief.
Debbie's decision on October , 2004 for the upcoming SHARE Atlanta Memorial Service
Here are the names that we have chosen for all of our babies.
Debbie is also helping us with the Festival of Trees for 2004. She is making an angel skirt for the tree.
"Debbie's Diary...Our angel garden, naming her babies & memorial bricks"-10/04" by Debbie GA
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