My husband and I tried for over a year to get pregnant. We found out we were finally pregnant with our first child three months ago. Soon after, however we found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy and would have to be terminated with chemotherapy.

The grief that we have felt has been overwhelming. The whole process has left us very sad and tired. We have lost a lot of the hope that we had. We were only three months pregnant, but our connection to our unborn child was incredible.

Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to see that other people are feeling the same kind of grief. We will soon be trying again and this has given us some much needed hope, but the fear of it happening again remains.

I'm really looking forward to the Year 2000, perhaps it will bring more "hope." Holding onto hope has been a struggle in 1999 for me.

Two years ago, my son Ian was stillborn 9/11/97. After postponing trying again for 6 months and then trying another year with no pregnancy success, my husband and I decided it was time to seek professional help. I do have regrets now for waiting an entire year before we sought help, considering my 35+ age, but we thought we did the right thing.

Our workup concluded some infertility issues, so onto the BBT charts, then I had an HST in July and finally a laparoscopy in September. The doctor found endometriosis and lasered it off successfully. That's the short version of that whole story.

Shortly after the lap surgery, I realized I missed my period. After such a long period of time without success, I actually took 3 home pregnancy tests before I would believe it was true. Within 2 days of the last test, I started bleeding. PANIC. What does this all mean, I thought?

The next chapter of this story ends in sadness, we found out I had an ectopic pregnancy. The day this conclusion was made, I watched in horror as the Technician tried to locate a fetus in my uterus. No baby. The last time I had an ultrasound was with Ian in September 1997; the doctor that day said, "I'm sorry, we can't find a heartbeat." I'm really fearful of future ultrasounds.

I'm convinced again that the "bonding" between Mother and Child happens immediately ... so many thoughts crossed my mind after I took the home pregnancy tests ... the baby would be born around Father's Day ... if I could make it through the first trimester it would be reason to celebrate Year 2000 ... etc. etc. How sad I am that this happened, how sad I am that I can't control it.

Some of the emotions I had after my stillbirth have returned since the ectopic, but on a lesser level. Not as intense, but it's definitely there. I think I am still in a bit of shock, it's so hard to believe, it happened so quickly. Grieving ectopic pregnancies is important, too. They are real, they matter just as much as any other pregnancy loss.

My doctor explained that it's a good sign that I became pregnant after the laparoscopy ... I'm trying to remain hopeful for another successful pregnancy, but it is very difficult. I promised Ian he would have another brother or sister soon ... I hope he and "Baby Autumn" are dancing together in Heaven.

Our first child was a surprise. We didn't mean to get pregnant, but once we knew our baby was on her way, we were so very excited. The timing couldn't have been more perfect.

We talked and dreamed and made plans for hours. We shopped and picked out names and told everyone we knew. WE were in awe of this miracle that was happening to us.

Then, everything went wrong. I started passing out at home and we rushed to the hospital. We were diagnosed and sent to a bigger hospital. There, we were told that they didn't know what was wrong with me, but that we had to wait. I was in so much pain and I couldn't move and it hurt to even breathe. Fifteen hours later, I was rushed into surgery. I didn't have time to think about my baby. It took two days after the surgery to finally realize what had happened. It hurt more than words can say. We were both devastated and in shock. I wanted to die.

The doctors were horrible, the pain, both physically and mentally, was unbearable. Nobody understood what I was going through. Slowly, I started to see the light at the end of the darkness.

Sometimes I still can't believe that this happened to us and it still hurts so badly to have never seen my first child. The pain is always there, but I have learned to live with it, to co-exist with it. Loosing my first baby is a part of my life. I have found a place in my heart for the love I have for my Hannah, and I have realized that no one can take that away from me.

I lost my angel Abby on March 22, 2001 due to an ectopic pregnancy. I was only 9 weeks along. She is sadly missed by her mommy and daddy.

I lost my baby at only 8 weeks pregnant. I grew to love this child and always wondered what it would be like to be a mom. I wish it could not of happen like this but she is in a better place and I will soon meet her or him. I felt like it was going to be a girl. I Love you and we will soon meet.

Our Story begins like this, In July 2000 i found out i was pregnant by doing a pregnancy test at work. It showed positive and i was over the moon. I phoned my fiance who was also at work. I told him the news and he came straight to my work place and cuddled me. He was overjoyed.

The next few days went by and i began to feel unwell. I went to work on Saturday morning and remember my boss asking what was wrong as i looked grey in colour. I sat down for a while and told her of my symptoms,which were, dizziness, tiredness, tummy cramps and when i sat down i had back passage pain.

My boss phoned my fiance who came and took me to the hospital. When i arrived at hospital i was given a pregnancy test which came back negative. We were told by a very unsympathetic doctor that i would probably miscarry and that my baby had died.

I was sent to a ward for more tests. One which was another pregnancy test which came back posotive!!!!(strange i know) I was told that it was probably a faulty test before and that i was still pregnant. The doctor said to go home and to come back the following Monday for a scan.

That Monday i had a scan done in the morning and was told my baby was in the correct place but it hadn't survived. There was no heartbeat.

I was taken to the ward again where another doctor came and told me i would be having an evacuation to remove the baby from my uterus. We were absolutley gutted! Our baby would be gone when i woke up, and sure enough it was.

I was sent home a few hours later feeling empty and so upset.

The next day i was admitted back into hospital. I had been lying on the floor screaming with pain, being sick and very faint. The doctor didn't do any tests he just put me in a bed and told me i had an infection from the surgery i had to remove our baby. I stayed in that bed for a week and was fed antibiotics and strong pain killers. I was then told to go back home as my condition had improved.

A few days later i was due to go on holiday to the Isle of man. I still felt very unwell and phoned the hospital. They told me my symptoms were normal and to go away it would do me good, so off we went.

The second day of my holiday i was still bleeding only it was getting very heavy and was clotting,so i went to the hospital for a check up.

When i arrived i was dealt with straight away. I had my blood taken. My blood pressure was very low. I was given a scan and was told i needed a laparoscopy as there was something that looked abnormal. So off i went to the theatre on holiday.

When i woke up i was in so much pain it was unreal .A doctor came and sat on my bed and told me id had an ectopic pregnancy that was around 16 weeks. He also said i was very lucky to be alive and asked why on earth i hadn't gone to hospital sooner.

When i finally came home i phoned my hospital to see what exactly they had taken from my uterus as they do tests on it to identify a fetus. I was told no sign of a baby was taken away!!!!!

We are now sueing the hospital for Medical Negligance. I will let you know the out come.

I am finding it very difficult to come to terms with it all and i miss my baby so very much. It would of been his 1st birthday on February 12th, i am really dreading that day.

Please e mail me for a chat,i could do with talking to someone who understands.

On August 24, 2002 I started having pains in my left side and on Monday august 26,2002 I could no longer take the pain. My husband took me to the emergency room, and they did a pelvic on me and said I was bleeding but that there was no cyst on my ovary. The doctor said I had pulled my groin muscle. He said because I was bleeding he wanted to do blood work and get a urine sample. After a long wait he returned and told my husband and I that we were pregnant and he wanted to do a ultrasound since I was bleeding.

The nurse came and took me to the ultrasound room. I kept watching the technician's face. I asked her if she saw anything, and she told me she saw a sac. I went back to the room and after another long wait the doctor came in the room with his nurse and told me I was pregnant but that I had miscarried. I just tuned him out after that and started crying. We went straight home, and I had to call my ob-gyn.

My ob-gyn told me there was no way that the ER doctor could have seen anything in the ultrasound because my hcg number was only 707 it has to be 2500 to see anything he said. So he told me I was still pregnant, and I needed to be put on bedrest until Wednesday. On Wednesday I needed to come in and get more blood work done to see if my hcg number increased. He said if it did I was still pregnant and if it decreased I had miscarried.

So on Wednesday we had the blood work done and went home. Thursday morning I woke up in severe pain and my husband called my doctor. They said that my hcg level had tripled and he needed to get me up there right away. So we took my 2 little girls to their grandmother's house and went to the doctor's office.

When I got there they wanted to get a ultrasound, but first she wanted to get a urine sample. On the way to the bathroom I felt like I was leaking something. I pulled down my underwear and there was bright red blood everywhere! I went into the ultrasound room and told the technician and she did the ultrasound and she could not find a sac or a baby. She told me she thought I had a ectopic pregnancy and called the midwife in to verify. The midwife told me that I had had a ectopic pregnancy and that they were going to have to do surgery or my tube would expand and burst and I could bleed to death.

They had to fit me in to get surgery done since they were booked. The doctor came to talk to me before. He told me that he did not see a ectopic pregnancy, but that he did not see a baby. He said I could have ahd a ectopic pregnancy and that I was miscarring it now. He told me what he was going to do. He said if my tube was damaged that he would have to remove it. Well the tube was damaged so they removed it and removed my baby.

I am very sad and feel so empty for the baby I will never know and never hold in my arms and sing to. I wonder if it was a boy or girl. I wonder who it would have looked like. I wonder if I will ever be able to have another child.

I do not know how to get thru this loss. I long for my baby who my body rid itself of. I will always remember coming home and seeing the positive pregnancy test on the desk and the blanket I was wrapped in while I was miscarrying. I wonder if the pain will ever end.

I know my baby is with the lord, and I will see him or her one day. But for now I need the lord to get me thru this.

I found out I was pregant after my daughter's first birthday. I was having a lot of pain and I just knew something was wrong. I started bleeding and my husband took me to the er and they did an ultrasound and the nurse told me nothing. After four hours in the er the ob finally comes in and told me the baby was in my left tube. And we could do surgery or a shot. I chose the shot.

There is really no option cause was going to lose the baby anyways. I got the shot and it was awful from there. I was in so much pain i couldn't move. After a week of being on the couch and knowing if I waited much longer my tube could burst, and I could die. I was in so much pain my husband took me to the er again and they did emergency surgery to remove the tube. It was scarey, and hard.

I stay in pain and think my baby would be doing this now.

Well I found out I was pregnant xmas 2001. I was scared and I was in pain. I went to the er knowing what was going to happen again. But I am proud to say I now have another little girl. I thank god every day. I just know one day I will see her.

I concieved my Julian in May. I found out I was pregnant on July 8, 2002. On July 9, 2002 I was being operated on.

My baby was in my left tube and it was about to burst. It was so overwelming.

I had my other baby at my mothers. He was only 5 months old. I was not ready for another child but at the same I was not ready to lose one either.

Now I do not have a left tube and it seems my right one is surrounded by cysts. I do not want another child yet but I do want more. It may now take exspensive procedures.

After reading the other stories I felt I had to do this for myself, my husband and our baby. On February 2, my pregnancy was terminated because of a ectopic pregnancy. Our JJ was only 7 weeks, but we loved her so much. She would be our first child after trying for 2 years to have a baby. I wish I could say the pain is not as hard because the baby was so young, but it is awful.

We found out about the pregnancy during a visit to a fertility specialist on January 17th. We had no idea, but we felt so grateful for finally getting pregnant. At the visit, the doctor did a vaginal ultrasound that showed what we thought was a gestational sac in my uterus. The doctor gave us a picture of the fetus, but told us it really was too early to say whether the fetus was growing properly and to return in 3 weeks for another ultrasound. Honestly, looking back, I think the doctor knew there was a problem. He did not order any blood work, he sent me home.

We were so excited we told everyone immediately.

Then on February 1st, I started having severe stomach pains and diahrria. I called my husband from work, but by the time he got home I was very dizzy and fainting after every bowel movement. During one fainting spell, I woke up and my vision was gone - this sent us to the hospital.

At the hospital I was told that the baby was fine and I was suffering from dehydration. I laid in the hospital bed for hours but I never felt any better. Actually the pain became more severe. I couldn't move my head and my stomach and shoulder areas were in pain. After what seemed like an hour-long ultrasound I was told there was no baby in my uterus and that I may have had a tubal pregnancy. The sad thing is, I was in so much pain that I was ready to go into surgery immediately. I wanted to save my child, but I knew that the pain I felt could only be hurting the baby. I was told by the doctor that the baby ruptured my fallopian tube and I was bleeding internally, which was causing the pain.

I was in bad shape. My right tube was removed. The next morning after surgery I woke feeling fine. It didn't hit me until days later what happened and that I wasn't pregnant anymore.

I know people that have gone through miscarriages and then went on to have healthy children, but right now I just don't know if I can handle trying again. Everyday I miss my child. I miss rubbing my stomach and knowing that the child I've always wanted is there. Now all I have is the pain from the surgery and memories. I know we will try again, I feel it in my heart, but I'm afraid.

I pray that this experience can help someone else suffering from the loss of a child. I pray that my JJ knows that we love her very much. Michelle

I was in great pain and bleeding heavily, our gp told us I was having a miscarriage. I went to the hospital and had a scan, they told me they didn't know what was happening. We had to go back every 3 days for blood tests and scans. After 7 weeks, the pain was at its worst, so I was rushed to hospital.

We waited 10 hours for a scan. They told us that the baby had died and it was in my left Fallopian tube. I was 14 weeks pregnant.

The day after that, I had the operation. I awoke with a great sense of loss and emptiness, I felt like a murderer for letting them take my baby away. I felt that if they had just left it everything would somehow be ok. I went back to the ward, and the Doctor told me they had to take the tube as well.

He also said, if we wanted to know the sex he would tell us. Of course we wanted to know, it was a girl.

This happened 2 years ago and it still feels like yesterday. Our son is the only thing that stops us from hitting bottom. Im gratefull that I have him. I have been told its unlikely for me to concieve again, but we are ever hopeful. We don't want to give up trying....Ever Where there's life, there's hope.

My story is of several losses.

I am 33 years old, and I have a 14 year old son. I was young when I gave birth to him in very difficult circumstances. I became a single parent had to give up my nursing studies and live on social security for several years. My circumstances changed again sevaral years later when I began to train again as a staff nurse and met the man of my dreams who is now my husband.

Life was good for a while. I worked as a staff nurse, and we were living as a family.

Then one day my husband and I decided after much debate that we would try for a family. Because I had been so hurt before I had to make a decision that I would trust my husband and that everything would be ok. So time went by and one and half years passed still no pregnancy no baby. Then one day when i had more or less given up and left it in the hands of god I discovered I was pregnant.

I could hardly believe it. I phoned the doctors got an appointment that very day and so it was confirmed. The day I discovered I was pregant was Tuesday so our families on Friday night just several days after confirmation went out and celebrated with my husband and I for a meal.

During the meal I began to feel surreal as though this was too good to be true, but I pushed the thought out of my mind. My husband and I returned home after the meal and celebrations. Exactly thirty minutes after we got home, I noticed bright red spot bleeding. I said to my husband and tried to convince myself and him that it was ok. Although I had never experienced this when I had been pregnant with my son.

So the next day came and went. Then Sun I had been resting frightened to move incase I micarried, I felt sharp pain in my right side as though I had pulled a muscle. And there was more bright red spot bleeding.

We went to accident and emergency that night and again every thing felt surreal. They did a pregnancy test and the doctor examined me pressing on my stomach. When he pressed I felt a sharp pain in my right side. He asked did I feel faint or dizzy. I said yes but laughed and said it was due to all the excitment. He said he would arrange a scan for next day at early pregnancy assessment unit.

My husband and I left the hospital. As I looked back at the doctor, I saw a look in his eye that I will never forget - that basically indicated that all was not well and that I seemed totally oblivious to him. Of course, I was not. I knew in my heart of hearts all was not well. I just was clinging to the hope that it would be.

So the next day we attended for the scan, and we were told that our baby was ectopic. The world seemed to come to a standstill for us. We were ushered into a wee room away from the other patients in the waiting room, and told that I would need surgery. I had picked up leaflet on ectopic pregnancy thinking this leaflet was not written for the likes of me.

I then became lightheaded, and the doctor said it would need to be surgery today as soon as a spot became available. Then the doctors tried to get venous access and checking my blood pressure and arranging for blood tests to be ordered. There was a lot of rushing and panic.

Being a staff nurse, myself, I was used to being on the other side not being the patient. Yet throughout, I felt peace and knew I would not die. They stabilised me, and they sent me to the ward in a room shared with three other woman. All of us with completely diverse medical conditions.

I had no privacy in which to weep. I had to weep in the toliet and behind the curtains surrounding my bed. My husband and I were devasted.

I was to go to theatre the next day and overnight they fasted me and closed the door. I lay there wondering if I would rupture. The nurses would not know {my pain} as the door was firmly shut allowing them to have a quiet nightshift.

Then, I did not care. I knew my baby was going to be taken from me. So we lay there my baby and I together - in our last moments united.

In the morning after feeling pain during the night which is when i beleve my baby began to pass away, I had a shower and again said to my baby how much I loved it. I could hardly stand such was the emotional pain that seared through me.

Then it was down to theatre. Just another day for the staff when they wheeled me into the operating area. I asked to speak with the consultant and said should he have made a mistake then would he make sure my baby would be ok at all costs. He said yes rather unconvencently.

Then a nurse who was just learning commented on how nice my hair was and then proceeded to congratulate me on my pregancy. When I said I was pregnant, this occured moments before I was about to go under anethestic. Then I woke up in recovery and the first question I asked was was it ectopic. One of the nurses said yes.

I BEGAN TO WEEP AND say that I did not want to loose my baby. I could never have an abortion because that is what I felt had just happened. My baby ripped out of me by some surgeon. It flushed down the sluice how cold - how callous - how wrong. I was separated from my precious baby.

After four weeks, I returned to work thinking that when I returned to work all the emotional pain and loss would somehow disappear. My right falliopian tube had been reomoved and so had my beloved baby.

Everyone was so kind and many flowers and cards came to my husband and I. He was so strong for me and kind - ever listening. I don't know how I would have coped without him.

Others were distant - not really knowing what to say or even understanding our great loss. Others seemed distant on on a different plane to us. By others, I mean our families and friends. These people whom we had helped on many occasions and loved. I just wanted our loss to be validated. Our baby to be mourned by them -not just forgotten and it all treated as an operation.

So back at work trying to forget. To block out the pain, I am trying to get pregnant again. My work collegues were very understanding, and I think they missed the old me. But here I was the new me. I was trying to break free of the pain and begin again.

I was very angry at god and felt that he had abandonded me. How could he allow this to happen?

The months passed. I contacted the ectopic trust and spoke with a very kind woman who validated my feelings and said it was alright tO GRIeVE AND MADE A SUGGESTION TO LET A BALLOON INTO THE AIR AS AN ACT OF REMEMBRENCE. I took a mental note of this and carried on with life.

Then it was CHRISTMAS time - the end of a very bad year and a new begining. So I threw myself into making prepartions. Christmas day came and I was late for my period four days. Christmas day was spent with our families, and it seemed to be a day of healing for us all. A chance to put behind a dreadful year in which each one of us had experienced hardship and pain. All of us had our own painful senarios.

My husband and I allowed ourselves the luxury of our secret - maybe a new life we had created. BOXING NIGHT which was a Monday, I went to work and experienced some back pain but no bleeding. That's ok then I thought. Next day which was Tuesday, the supermarkets were open, and we got a digital clear blue test - nothing but the best. Yes, we were pregant again thank you god for healing me. Thank you for this gift of a new baby. All the pain behind a new beginning for all of us.

That same day, I felt very exahausted and sick. I thought I had been working too hard. I worked in a very busy male medical ward. I was constant nightshift so I rested, and we cancelled the party we were going to have. My husband went out so elated was he and chatted with his best friend while I rested and felt the warmth of my new baby inside me. My 14 year son and I were watching Tv cocooned away together. How wonderful and fulfilling. I love life.

I was still having back pain but no bleeding. Wednesday morning 6.45am sharp pain I went to the toliet and there it was bleeding. Oh how I wailed. One day we had pregnant test positive on Tuesday, now not even 24 hours later - bleeding.

So we went to the early pregnancy unit and told them it was early. They said to sit down and wait. Then we would see a doctor. They were very matter of fact. So we saw our world around our feet and me also in physical pain.

Eventually, no doctor but a nurse just took blood for tests. I was sent home and told to come back on Friday. We will see if it looks as though you have miscarried. So that two days passed in a blur.

We went back on Friday morning to be greeted with "What are you doing back? Your blood hormone level is only 19. We tried to phone you to save you the journey in." We had not left the house in two days, and we never received such a call from them.

I then proceeded to say what did she mean my blood test was only 19? There was a waiting room and thinking a scene may develop, we were put in another room. The nurse told us I had miscarried. No, I could not believe it. I would not believe it.

I asked if another urine test could be done. Could another blood sample be taken? She looked at me in pity as though I was in complete denial. I knew my baby was still alive in me. So she did so at my requst and we were sent home.

Again, the next day I phoned for my results. I was told they had risen to 26. Saturaday was NEW YEARS EVE, we were divastated, and we trying to grieve for a miscarriage that was what the doctors and nurses told us. So we went out with our friends to a party and tried to join in with the spirit, but such was the casum between us we could have been on a differnt planet. My husband and I gazed at each other across the room knowing deep in our souls what the other was feeling. We continued to chat and smile. When the bells rang for the start of the new year, our hearts could have broken. All our dreams again flushed down the toilet - literally.

New Year's day my husband went to football. I was to go to get more blood taken. I don't drive so I would need to get a taxi. Noone was aware we had had this second loss apart from our one set of friends.

My husband said just leave it rest - put it behind you with the start of a new year and all that. I wondered when I woke up if I should go. I decided I would. I still thought maybe I am still pregnant.

So I went in to the hospital and was put again into a room. They did not even bother to put on the light for me. The doctor took more blood tests, and I asked her if Ihad definitely had a miscarriage. Yes, it seems so.

I LEFT THE HOSPITAL. As I was leaving, a couple left with their new baby. Oh how my heart was wrenched. I began to walk along the road. I could not get a taxi. As I walked, I looked into other people's houses and saw all the warmth of their lights and close family celebrating New Year's day. As I crossed the motorway I had a fleeting thought that I would not like to be safe crossing the road. I could just take my chances, and all this pain I am carrying would end. Then I thought of my husband and son, and I crossed over the road safely. I eventually got home that evening when my husband picked me up so bereft did I feel.

So Monday came, and we took down the Christmas tree and went to the supermarket. We waited for the doctors to phone with the blood results. Of course, they did not. I once again phoned them and chased up the result. A doctor spoke to me and said hello how is your pregnancy. It is progressing well - your blood hormone level is increasing. I said, oh no, not me - you have the wrong patient. The doctor replied it was definitely me. I should come back on Thursday for more blood tests. And so we began to feel hope again.

Thursday came, and I was seen by the same nurse as before who had said i had miscarried. She told me that there was no need for more bloodt tests. I was told my blood levels had climbed to 145. It must of been a very early pregnancy. How did I know she asked me to do more bloods?

I said it was because I knew deep down it was not a miscarriage. Ten years ago I experienced one - although we were abroad at the time in SPAIN. When I came home my then general practioner said it was just an allergic reaction to the birth control pill. I SURPOSE LOOKING BACK I WAS IN DENIAL AND WAS QUITE HAPPY WITH HIS EXPLAINATION. Although again even back then, I knew I had lost a baby and I think it was a girl. I allowed myself one night of crying to grieve. Then blanked it out for years.

Anyway the nurse seemed to be quite gratreful at my insistance of taking bloods and here we were now talking of my live pregnancy. I was to return in two weeks time for more bloods and during these two weeks again we allowed ourself to rejoice and pushed out any thoughts of negativity.

Then two weeks were finished and my husband and I were going to the early pregnancy assessment unit for more blood tests and a scan. My husband took the day off work. We went in for scan and were told it was another ectopic. We could hardly believe it.

We were again put in a room then after we had cooled off so to speak we were seen by the same doctor as last time in Aug 2005. This was, Thursday 19th Jan 2006. He said about operating, and I said what about the injection methotrixate. He said maybe. He would speak to consultant.

We then said that we had been concerned from day one that it was another ectopic and had voiced this for weeks to the nurses and doctors. He then came back and said that yes I would be a candidate and i would get it today. Eventually, I got the injection that day.

As I felt the cold liquid flow through the muscle, I knew it was the end. Yet again came the surreal feeling that this could not be actually happening to me and my husband. What had we done wrong to deserve this.

TWO WEEKS PASSED and I had no pain or bleeding just feeling dizzy and ill and emotional. One night as my son and I watched TV, I reached down to get something under the bed and felt tremedous pain following this. I went to the hospital where they admitted me as an emergency because the pain was really bad.

The next day, I had another scan and more blood tests. They were going to operate but then they held off because my blood count was decreasing. Then they told me, I could go home.

By now family and friends were all aware, and I decided that this time I was not going to cover up the pain and distraught. We have received more help and understanding this time round and it has been of help especially to me.

My husband again has been a rock and is wonderful. He too has suffered deep pain and has continued to carry on. I love him.

Now 5 or 6 weeks down the line with the pain and bleeding subsiding and after a lot of soul searching. I am waiting on the final blood results. I do not know what the future holds for me and my husband. But this has been such a profound experience. The resoureces such as books written by other mothers on loss of their babies the ectopic web sites have helped.

Finally, I released balloons - 3 in total - the other day at the beach. One balloon for each baby lost. Although people must of thought I was a bit crazed after the intital aggitation, I felt deep peace as I watched them float to the sky. I thought of my babies now in heaven - at peace and happy playing together. That they are watching me and their father willing us on - wanting us to be at peace. Until the day where we we can all be together again - reunited with our precious babies.

Marcia's thoughts: What you have shared here is so very vivid and clear about the intense pain and disbelief that is part of all of our experiences as our babies die. You have expressed it so very clearly. I know that many mothers will recognize their own experience in your writing. It always pains me to know how many of our moms and families still suffer from the lack of "emotional" support from "first responders" (nurses and doctors) to our situations. Though, much has improved (because of advocacy and awareness from parents and supportive professionals around the world), we still must press on.

The Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Community has unique issues: many wish to deny our baby's reality and thus deny our reality of pain. by not denying our child and our grief, we encourage recognition of our issues and needs by the medical community and society at large.

We need to use our energies to honor our children's memories as you have done by writing this beautiful diary opening, releasing the balloons for your three little ones and giving them a "safe place within your heart." By doing this, you have allowed others an opportunity to "share" in your experience and see how you are working to heal. I wish that you would let me include your email here so others could share with you. Also, please consider joining us on our forum: