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"After 5 years or more...Forever in Our Hearts...does anyone else remember?"

"My Baby Jan Sebastian" by Angie (3/14/04) Five Years - anniversary

Marcia's thoughts: I actually wrote a lot here, but I wanted to share some thoughts that we have often talked about in our group...and please never worry about "leaning on me" that is why I am here. I know that we need each other very much.

After five years people are afraid to bring it up because they fear that we have moved on and don't want to talk about it. Some parents actually may feel this way, but most don't. Many people never have many, if any, people mention their child - even at the first anniversary. People are hesitant to 'bring it up' because they fear our reaction to them for doing so.

If you wish to speak of it, touch on the topic with those who you feel safe with (it may not be too many) and then see how they react and move from there. Today, more and more people are learning about grief with all the media coverage of our national tragedies (9/11, etc.)

Another factor also is people are busy in their own lives and don't remember many living people's birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Often it is an invitation to a party that jogs the memory. "Oh, it has been a year since Tom was born! WOW time flies." So, I encourage our parents to mention that they are nearing an anniversary or due date or whatever - to those who they wish to remember. Several of our parents have sent out cards they made to help others remember this time.

Remember lots of people are not caught up where you are and in reality we can't really expect them to be. Even with happy memories...we do the inviting to a party and others come as they wish. We discuss 'birth' stories with those who are interested...etc.

Our situation with our baby is "ours" and it is most important to know that WE will not forget. Many parents who come through my group are worried about forgetting. They are afraid of 'forgetting.' Some get so afraid of forgetting that they can't let go of the grief for fear they will let go of their baby.

I think few, if any, forget -ever. If we are healing and are doing what is good for us and the memory of our baby, we get less and less in need of lots of attention to our baby's anniversary. The many things we suggest for doing in memory of our baby vary because as we move through the years our needs for how we remember differs with healing. I know parents who give in our "Outreach for Healing" program to a child that would be the age of the child they lost - at 5 a gift for a 5 year old. Putting mementos on their child's grave is special...as you have done (even from a distance). I/we always put different things on Seth's grave and it has been 20 years. I put things on my dad's grave and it has been 13 years.

Not forgetting by doing what means something special to you is very important. Only family members put things on my dad's grave...no one else, to my knowledge does this. He was important to many people. He is mentioned to me - at times- today, and it always touches my heart. But other people actually do move on.

I will always love and remember my three babies, my father, Leon's decreased father, but I can't really expect too many others to feel and react the way I might feel. Alternatively, it would be hard for me to keep up with everyone of my friend's anniversaries of the death of their baby or beloved family member. It is not because I don't care...it is because I just can't do that. I am one that has trouble with birthdays too!

Lastly, I'm not sure that my father would want people grieving for him all these years later...remembering him at times, surely, but just as our child would, he would want me to heal and hold him close in my heart, but not need to have lots around his death.

If you wish to remember with balloons, special foods, a ceremony, this has to be your decision. Then, make it special for you. This is between you and your very special child. Include those who you feel will be supportive...and as the years pass people may not understand your need to remember.

This is especially true if they have never experienced a death of a love one or if they denied themselves any lingering recognition of that loved one. Putting flowers on the grave site is special for some and not for others. Some very dear people prefer to remember their loved one within their heart in not with physical reminders at the cemetery. Each of us has to make those choices.

Another factor here for you might be what I call "key" years. The five year mark is often very hard. We think of a five year old as beyond the 'baby' stage and now a young child. I often have parents mention to me about these times (6 or 7, 13, 16 or 17 and 21 are other key ages) . We think about these ages with our living children as being 'hallmarks' to a "growing up" so we do this with our children we have lost, too.

Lots of things go into our feelings, don't they. You have honest and real feelings and reactions. I am glad you can share them and that you have remembered Jan in such loving ways. You will never forget him. You have been blessed with three wonderful sons. As I have said many times...all my children the three in heaven and the two here on this earth, have helped to make me who I am today. I love each one differently and the same...I love them as a mother would and I am please that they are my children.

I am thinking about you...I am glad you sent the poem, I know that when parents read it they will be touched. You should have received or will receive a package from me. It has several items in it...including one of our 'angels' and an Pregnancy and Newborn Advocacy pin. Hope you know that I care.